Authors: Regina Bartley
“You won’t lose me. I’ll always be here. You are my sister forever.”
“I love you Ry.”
“I love you too, kiddo.”
26
Moon
Saturday May 25
th
Dear Moon,
I know that I haven’t written to you since I have been here and I owe you an explanation. I’m nearing closer to the end of treatment and as my final project I’m supposed to tell the ones that I love my story. You are included in the people that I love. Tomorrow is visitor’s day and I have scheduled a session with my doctor and my parents and I am inviting you to come and be a part of this group. You don’t have to do anything you just have to come and listen. I am asking you to be there for me. After you hear my story, you may not want to speak to me ever again and I understand that but these things have to be said in order for me to completely heal. I want you to be there and I know that you will be. You are always there when I need you. I never even have to ask. So tomorrow at noon, and I know you know where the center is. I have gotten all seventy six of your letters that were never mailed.
I hope that you don’t hate me because I haven’t written you back. I told you a while back that I just needed time. If you still want to be my friend after tomorrow then I’m ready to start over with you. But let’s just take one step at a time. First we have to make it through tomorrow. You are still my best friend forever.
Love,
Shine
I read the letter ten times. She wrote me back; she really wrote me back. My girl wants me to be there and I will be there. This is the best news ever. Hurry up tomorrow!
27
Shine
Today is Sunday and the day I finalize my fate, or at least my fate with Moon. I had nightmares last night when I went to sleep. Each time I would close my eyes I would see Moon staring at me with such hatred. I hadn’t had nightmares since my third week here, and one bad thought sent them right back to me. In order to handle this day, I had to make sure that I took my medication first thing this morning. I hate that I still have to rely on taking it but it helps me, even when I feel like I don’t need it. I only take it once a day now and I am completely off of my sleeping pills. Just taking my body off of those has helped. I don’t feel like my brain is fogged up, or like I am trapped inside of a bubble. The feeling is actually normal.
It took me forty five extra minutes to get ready and I skipped breakfast. Well, I tried to skip it. Johnny came crashing my pity party with bananas and cereal. I tried to stay mad but it’s hard when he’s around.
“It’s time to go meet with the doc. We have twenty minutes before your family will be here and we should get in the room and get situated.”
“I get what you’re saying, but I don’t know how you are so calm right now.”
“It’s because this is not about me. Now pull yourself together. Time to roll out,” he kissed my forehead and patted my ass, the best combination. “I love you and you are going to do great.”
I didn’t answer because I wasn’t so sure. I just let him pull me to my demise. The ending I wasn’t ready for. The sweat staining the pits of my shirt was all the proof I needed. When we got to Doctor Greene’s office, I was glad to see no one was there yet besides the doc.
“Bradley, what are you doing here?” The doctor asked.
“I want him to be here. I asked him to come.” I interrupted not giving anyone anytime to speak. I went to my sofa with Johnny by my side. We shared the couch together. Doc had set up several extra chairs in the space so that everyone would have a place to sit.
“Are we taking off our shoes yet?”
“Not until I feel comfortable, and I’m not comfortable yet. I’m not sure if I will be today.”
“I understand.”
Right on cue was my parents. I went straight to them for hugs and they embraced me. They both seemed glad to be there. Little did they know I was about to make them wish they never showed up. They each found their seat after they greeted the doctor and Johnny.
As I sat there and waited for Moon I became more and more nervous. I fidgeted and bit off every one of my fingernails. At three minutes until noon I was about to give up on him showing when he walked in. He was the most perfect person I had ever seen. He looked the same as ever. He wore his loose fitting jeans and he had a button down collared shirt on, but I could see his usual white beater poking out underneath. He was still just as sexy, all the way down to his work boots.
I felt like we had been away on extended vacations and this was our homecoming. I couldn’t stop the tears that flowed out of my eyes. He stood there in the doorway not knowing what to do -obviously, and I couldn’t speak because of the tears. I was too choked up. Johnny stood up and walked over to him. Thank the Lord.
“Hey man, I’m Bradley. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too,” they shook hands.
I was ready. I stood up and walked over to him. His eyes never left my face. Those eyes that once frightened my soul were now the most beautiful things I had ever seen. He was hesitating to touch me although I could see in his eyes that he wanted too. I didn’t give him any more chances at hesitating. I nearly knocked him down.
“Oh Moon,” I cried out as I hugged him to me. I cried because I missed him and I kept thinking that this might be the last time that he holds me like this after today. “I’m sorry. I miss you.” I whispered into his chest hoping that he would hear me. When I chanced a glance at his face his eyes were glassed over with unshed tears.
“I love you,” he mouthed the words to me. I don’t know if there was a hidden meaning behind his words, but I know they were true.
“I love you too.” I said back and I meant every single word.
We took our seats. Moon sat in a chair next to my parents and I was still sitting with Johnny on the couch.
“I’m glad that every one of you came today to be with Shine. My name is Doctor Norman Greene and I am only here today for support as well. We will listen to what Shine has to say to us and if you don’t mind I’d like for you to let her finish her story before anyone interrupts. Please remember that this is very hard for her to tell, but she needs to get through this in order to complete her process of healing.” He looked at me, “You have the floor.”
The first thing I did before I began to speak is took my star necklace out from under my shirt so that it was in my sight. It was reassuring.
“I have a secret that I haven’t told any of you. It has haunted me since the moment it happened and it is what led me over the edge. I have lived with this by myself for too long and I need for you all to know. I have to say I am sorry first to all of you because I know that my issues have caused each of you pain and I never intended it to be that way. I just wanted the pain I was feeling to be taken away, but the deeper I tucked in the secret the deeper my wounds became and the harder it was to heal.” I stopped for just a second to catch my breath and wipe my eyes.
“It was the day of my car accident, the day I lost everything. That day I had rode to school with Moon, so someone else was going to have to pick me up after practice was over. At first, I thought it would be my Mom, but she had to work so Moon arranged for his mom to come and get me. I went to cheer practice just like I planned only I was late for practice because Moon kissed my cheek in the hall and I stood there like an idiot blushing for fifteen minutes.” I glanced over at him and he was smiling. I continued. “Because I was late, Melody made me stay after and run laps. Which was fine, she would have made anyone else do the same thing. I may have called her a bitch too. I don’t remember. If I didn’t, I am sure that I wanted too.” I got the death glare from Mom and a smirk from Dad.
I went back to the locker room and took my shower. I wasn’t going to, but I got a text from Lisa saying that she was running late. I figured that I had plenty of time. Once I got out of the shower I was standing there in my towel.” I started fidgeting more and I guess Johnny noticed because he took my hand and held it with his, interlacing our fingers. He rubbed the back of my hand with his other hand. It was helping. “I’m sorry.” I said trying to regain control. “I was standing there in my towel when I heard a noise. I thought it was Lisa so I called out to her. It wasn’t Lisa it was David, Moon’s dad. I guess Lisa called him to pick me up because she was running so late.” I took another deep breath hoping I could get through this. The tears started overflowing from my eyes again and I could no longer look at Moon for fear that I would see the hate that haunted my nightmares.
“He staggered into the locker room by where I was standing. He was obviously drunk because I could smell the whiskey on him. He said he had just left a bar and I asked if he would go outside to the car and wait while I got changed. I was going to call Moon to tell him that his dad was there drunk, but he wouldn’t leave the locker room. He grabbed my wrist and held it real tight. I told him that he was hurting me, but it didn’t faze him. He just gripped me tighter.” I heard a slight gasp from Johnny and realized he had just put two and two together. I continued. “He told me I was beautiful and that he knew why Moon loved me so much. He kept getting closer so I tried pushing him away. I told him that my parents would worry.” My breath was become shallower. I wasn’t sure if I could finish, but I knew I had to.
“He yanked the towel from me, and I begged for him to please stop.” I let go of Johnny’s hand and leaned forward to where my head was almost between my knees. I needed air. Johnny rubbed my back as I cried. The words were strangled, but I kept going. “He grabbed my other wrist and slammed my head back into the concrete wall. I cried out as loud as I could for someone, anyone, but he smacked me hard across the face and told me to shut the fuck up. He told me to quit fighting him. I begged him with every breath to stop, but it didn’t work.” I could see out of the corner of my eyes that Moon was antsy in his seat. Was he going to believe me? I couldn’t look at his face. “He had both of my hands above my head and the other hands moved between my legs.” I stopped speaking because of my mother’s cries. It was hard to hear her. When I looked up I saw that Dad was crying too and there was nothing I could do about it. I put my head back down and cried some more. After a few minutes I continued trying to finish this nightmare. “I screamed help again, but this time he hit my face with his fist. He hit me over and over. It felt like my bones were breaking with every punch. Then he raped me and every time he entered my body he would say things that still haunt me today. He told me that Ryker wouldn’t want me anymore. He said that he wouldn’t want a slut.” I wiped my face and nose with the back of my hand.
“When it was over he forced me into the car and told me not to say a word to anybody. He scared me enough that I don’t know if I ever would, but I knew somehow I would have to figure out how to explain my face. I was positive that my nose was broken.
When we were in the car he was driving so fast. At one point, we were doing eighty and it was just a little old country road. When we hit the curve he lost control. I don’t remember a whole lot of what happened after that, but I remember knowing he was dead the moment I saw him. It was obvious, and then I puked my guts up right there in my lap. Anything after that was fuzzy until I woke up in the hospital.
That is the reason that I ran Moon off when I woke up. It was those eyes. They scared me because they were just like David’s and I was afraid. It was one of the hardest things for me to overcome, but those eyes are different now. I can see the good in Moon’s eyes now. I just couldn’t cope with the accident and the rape. It was too much for me. Then I started having these attacks which the doctor said was normal, but they never went away. The medicine just made me a ghost of myself and took away the pain. I thought since they took away the pain so easily that I could take it away for good. They made me float away to another world where I could live without fear and I wanted to be there forever. I needed to run away, so that’s what I did. I tried to kill myself and remove all the pain. Thanks to Moon I didn’t die. I lived and I got a second chance at life.” My body shook with my cries. “That day I lost my innocence, my best friend, and my mind. It has been a long hard road to overcome, but I have made it. I won’t ever be hurt like that again because I am stronger today then I have ever been.” I took Johnny’s hand back. “I am a survivor. I have each one of you to thank for that.” I made it through. I kept my head down at my lap. Slowly, I removed each of my boots and put them on the floor. I tucked my legs up tightly under me and waited for someone else to speak. I had said my peace and my heart felt less heavy because of it. Never would I be able to get back what David took from me, but I was alive today to talk about it and I was a much stronger person because of it.
I still hadn’t looked at Moon, when the doctor began to speak. “Does anybody have anything to say?”
With all the will power in my body I looked at him. His eyes were red and the tears streamed down his cheeks. “I’m gonna be sick,” were his words. He stood up and walked out of the room. No other words were spoken; they didn’t have to be. His heart was broken just like I knew it would be and he walked out leaving me broken too. Sitting there sobbing into my hands I wondered if I did the right thing, if my choices were worth the heartbreak.
“He just needs time, Baby.” My Dad consoled me and I went with open arms. Rubbing my head and holding me tight, he tried to say things to make it better. “Right now, shock is what he is feeling. Just like the rest of us, it’s hard to hear. We feel useless. Like me, I feel like a worthless Dad for not knowing and for not being there when you needed me the most. I would kill that man if he were still alive.”
“Oh Daddy, it’s not like that. You didn’t know. No one could help me, I was too broken.” We cried together. Mom took Johnny’s place on the couch and cried too. She never stopped. She couldn’t even speak she was such a mess. Johnny and the doctor left us alone to work out our feelings together.
“We are all hurting right now. I am sure that once Moon comes to terms with things, he will be back. Time will heal his wounds. Just like this time here at the facility has healed yours.” Dad spoke to me softly.