My Body-His (13 page)

Against the far wall were two five-drawer filing
cabinets. “What are in those?” I asked, pointing to them.

“
Files, of course,” he said with a
smirk.

“
Hmmm.” I continued my scan of the
room.

To the left of the cabinets he had hung a rack with
all types of whips and paddles. I moved in to get a closer look and
removed a nicely carved wooden device that reminded me of a
spatula. It had holes throughout the paddle.

“
Don’t think I want to experience this one,” I
said, laughing.

“
Then don’t disappoint me,” he said. He
narrowed his eyes and I knew he meant it.

“
No problem,” I said, but my gut twisted. I
hung the spatula thing back in its place.

On a spindle attached to the wall dangled a set of
whips that looked similar but had varying lengths and widths of
leather strips. I saw the paddle he had used on me the night before
and several other varieties of wooden paddles. I noticed a riding
crop and wondered how that might feel.

“
Why do you store the paddles and whips in
here?”

“
I like to keep them under lock and key, and
they are quickly accessible when I need to use them in my
pictures.”

“
I’m confused,” I said. “What does one have to
do with the other?”

“
You will see soon enough.”

“
Explain, please.” I started to get annoyed,
which felt much better than scared. “Those pictures you took of me
after sex ….” I put my hands on my hips and pivoted to face
him. “The guy who was here that first day …. Do you plan to use me
for your pictures? And other girls? Will you be having sex with
other girls? Disciplining them?”

He didn’t respond right away. We just stood there
looking at each other. I realized in that moment if I ever did
leave him it would be anger that propelled me out the door, not
fear.

I walked over to the picture on the wall and said,
“Who is this?” I could now see that it held a photo of a voluptuous
woman dressed in a leather corset bound by rope. The angle of the
model as well as the lighting made the scene erotic. The woman
looked suspended in the throes of an orgasm.

“
Boy Jane, you have a pretty good jealousy
thing going on there. A little bit of jealousy is sexy but too much
is a real turn-off.”

“
You haven’t answered my question—”

“
I would have thought that the love and
connection we just shared would be answer enough, but apparently
not for you. I will whip other women for photographs. A great many
of the photographs that I sell include bondage and whip marks—like
the one you are looking at—but I will not sleep with anyone but
you.”

“
And orgasms?”

“
Jane, you are trying my patience.”

“
I believe you told me you would answer all my
questions regarding your work, did you not?”

“
Well, get them out of the way, because after
today I’m done with them.”

“
Fine …. Will you be photographing any
previous girlfriends?”

“
No, and I will not be providing orgasms
either. If they happen to cum just from the whip alone, that I
cannot help. Are we done here?”

He was bristling. My interrogation had clearly
annoyed him but I didn’t understand why. How could I be finished? I
could’ve gone on asking questions all day. Instead, I said, “One
more question. Where is the Japanese connection?”

“
I sell my work in Japan.”

“
Do you sell it anywhere else? Do you sell your
paintings, too? Is that how you’ve learned to speak the
language?”

“
You said ‘one more question,’ and I’m all
questioned out. Please get out so I can get some work done. Go out
with your friends if you want. I’ll be busy for a
while.”

He practically shoved me out the door and locked it
behind me.

I felt dismissed, like a child leaving the
principal’s office after being punished for bad behavior. His mood
shifts left me dizzy.

The idea of seeing my friends had seemed appealing
after our wonderful lovemaking, but now it felt dreadful. I grabbed
clothes from the bedroom, dressed in the bathroom, and quickly left
the apartment.

* * * *

I went back to my place, climbed into bed, and lay
there feeling sorry for myself. I was realizing more and more how
isolated I had let myself become. I had no one to talk to. No one
who would understand what I had chosen to do. Hell, I didn’t even
understand it. Why did Luke’s control over my body turn me on so
much? Why did I feel so safe and yet so afraid? His moods bothered
me the most. He could be so cold, so mean, even, but then hold me
with such care and gentleness. I sat up in bed and rummaged through
my bag for my cellphone.

“
Parker?” I said, holding the phone out and
pressing the speaker button.

“
Hi, Jane, I was just about to call you back,”
she said. “Do you have time for dinner tonight?”

“
Dinner would be great. Where would you like to
meet?” I sat up in the bed.

“
There’s a new Thai place on Hollywood
Boulevard. Know where it is?”

“
Sure. I’m pretty hungry right now so can we do
it a bit early?”

“
Five o’clock work?”

“
Perfect.”

* * * *

I drove to Try My Thai still uncertain what to tell
her. I just knew I had to speak to someone. I had thought of
calling Sandy but she had been so busy with life that I didn’t want
to bother her.

Parker and I hugged our hellos and took a booth in
the mostly empty restaurant. As always she stood impeccably dressed
and statuesque.

“
I’ve called you a few times and left messages.
I even called you at work yesterday. They said you were out. Twice
in one week. What gives?” Parker said.

“
I’ve met someone and it’s moving
fast.”

“
The guy that you barely mentioned the other
night?”

“
Yes, him.”

“
Well, fill me in, girl. You must have had a
change of heart because you said you weren’t interested or
something to that effect.” She moved her chopsticks to the side and
placed her napkin on her lap.

“
It was more like I was confused. Nothing like
this has ever happened and it was just moving so fast.
Is
moving so fast. But—”

“
Are you in love with him?”

“
Yes,” I said, finally acknowledging that fact
to myself.

“
And does he love you?”

“
Yes, he says he does.”

“
But what? You don’t believe him?”

“
It’s just that at times it feels so right … so
there
, and at other times I get scared.” I shifted in my
seat, unable to meet her penetrating stare.

“
We’ve been on our own for a long time, Jane. I
think it’s perfectly normal to be scared. What’s he like? When do I
get to meet him?”

“
Well, he looks a bit dangerous, but when he
smiles his gray eyes light up his face.” I looked at her and
smiled. “He’s really fit, too. I haven’t quite figured out what he
does to stay in shape but his body is amazing. We’re living
together. Did I say that yet?”

“
What?” Parker said, slapping both hands on the
table top. “How long have you known him?”

“
A week.”

“
A
week
? I thought you didn’t believe in
love at first sight? You fell in love with him in a week? Have you
lost your mind?”

“
It’s all your fault, anyway,” I said, pointing
at her. “Had you been in town last week, we would’ve gone to a
movie and I would’ve never met him. I planned from the start to
blow him off but he was persistent and—”

“
And ….”

“
And I guess sometimes these things just
happen. I mean, not usually to me, but there are all kinds of
stories of people falling madly in love with each other
quickly.”

“
Are you madly in love with him?” She shook her
head in amazement.

“
Madly
would be a good word for it,” I
said under my breath.

“
What does that mean? This is so out of
character for you. You are the pickiest person I know when it comes
to men.”

“
The word’s ‘selective’—your word for it, I
might add—and that’s true. That should make you confident I’ve made
a good choice. Let’s order, shall we? I’m starved.”

“
Promise me I’ll get to meet him soon and I’ll
drop this,” Parker said. Her look of concern unnerved
me.

“
I promise,” I said but wasn’t sure I meant it.
I saw her shoulders relax and I sighed in relief.

* * * *

The drive back to Luke’s apartment—our apartment—had
me brimming with anxiety. I parked by the building and sat in the
car stoking my courage. I had just decided to get it over with,
when a knock on the window scared the hell out of me. Looking out
the passenger side, I saw Luke standing there. I got out of the car
and walked toward him. My stomach was twisted in knots and I felt
close to tears.

“
Hi, babe,” he said. “I was starting to worry
about you.” He pulled me in and engulfed me in a warm
hug.

“
I thought you were mad at me,” I said. My
voice sounded young and scared.

“
Something you should know about me: I never
stay mad for long. Anyway, you were right that I said I would
answer your questions about my work and I was right that you need
to let go of the jealousy thing and trust in us. We are an ‘us,’
you know, and I like ‘us’ very much. So trust in the safety you
feel in my arms and everything will be fine.”

I wanted to believe what he told me. I needed to
trust the way I felt in his arms. I wanted to know that I was truly
the
one
to him and not just one of many. He walked me
upstairs into our place. I knew that only time would reveal the
truth. Time would be the judge and executioner. I decided to give
time a fighting chance.

A week passed and we settled into a routine. He
granted me permission to wear my running clothes in the apartment
when I used the treadmill. That felt like a minor victory. I would
get up early in the morning and run before work. Luke slept in.
While I showered, Luke would wake up and make breakfast, including
strong coffee I soon came to appreciate. We would eat silently
while he read the paper and I devoured my newest novel. Every day I
would head off to work with a smile on my face.

Luke filled my every thought. How I managed to get
anything done in my haze, I do not know.

Our daily ritual included sex. He consistently found
new ways to tie me down and get me off. His imagination seemed
limitless. I managed to avoid any more discipline during that first
week of cohabitation and almost believed we were in a normal
relationship. Almost.

* * * *

“
I’m going to Japan on Monday and will be home
on Sunday,” Luke said.

“
What?” I said. I threw my hands up in the air.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“
What would be the point?”

“
To help me prepare myself, I guess. How long
have you known?”

“
I’ve known since before we met.”

“
What the hell?”

“
Jane …” His voice was stern.

“
I don’t understand this. You think it’s a
normal thing for a boyfriend to tell a girlfriend just two days
before he leaves? Why did you keep this from me?” I felt so
infuriated and his apparent lack of awareness of my anger left me
even more incensed.

“
Quit your job and come with me,” he
said.

“
No chance. First, I don’t plan on leaving my
job, which I’ve already told you, and second, even if I did, I
would give two weeks’ notice. So have fun.” I sat down on the
couch, naked as the day I was born, and crossed my arms over my
chest.

“
Oh, I will. No doubt about it.” He grabbed my
thighs roughly to spread them.

I just looked at him and watched him walk away.

We didn’t have sex that night for the first time
since we had moved in together. I acted angry but felt more scared
than anything. How would I manage a week without him? He had become
my obsession, my fulfillment, my freedom from the lonely days and
boring nights.

By Sunday I had let go of my fear and anger and
looked forward to the first entire day Luke would spend with me
since we had met.

“
Put on your running clothes,” he said as he
rummaged through his drawers. He dressed in running shorts and a
tank top.

“
Where are we going?” I asked.

“
You shall see,” he said, taking my hand and
leading me out the door.

We got into his black Honda S2000 two-seater that
looked a lot like a Porsche.

“
Wow, nice car,” I said. He kept it impeccably
clean on the inside as well as on the outside.

“
I’ve told you that money is of no consequence.
I do hope you’ll think about leaving your job while I’m
away.”

“
I’ll think about it,” I said.

I tried desperately to forget that I would be driving
him to the airport before work the next day.