My Body-His (17 page)

“
Not really, but whatever you say, Jane. Eh,
what is about to happen?” he asked in a whisper.

“
I’m serious, Pierce, this never ever
happened.”

“
Okay, sure. No matter what happens, it never
really happened. I get it and Jane, I can live with that,” he
said.

I knew he would say whatever he thought I needed to
hear if only I would touch him. I put my hand out, and he handed me
the condom. I ambled around the desk and turned his chair so that
it faced me and away from the front of the desk. At that moment, I
felt as if I had split in two. Rational Jane remained tied and
bound inside my head. The other half of me—my body—took
control.

I knelt down in front of Pierce, unceremoniously
unzipping his tan pants. Pulling his already hard shaft out, I
immediately unrolled the condom onto his penis. I tried to think of
his cock as a separate entity, not attached to an owner. His rigid
phallus jerked at my first touch and he moaned. I knew it wouldn’t
take long. I used both hands to stroke up and down on his shaft. In
no more than twenty strokes he rewarded me with a large load of cum
in the condom. Carefully removing it, I tied the top end into a
knot. I didn’t look at him or say another word. I took the condom
and did my best to hide it in my hand. Then I unlocked the door and
closed it behind me. Leaning back against the door to gather
myself, I became aware of the multitude of office sounds and
voices.

As I walked down the hallway, for the first time in
my life I had no idea who I was anymore. My body flamed with molten
desire, craving to be fucked and whipped hard. My fractured mind
pulled farther away from my old self.

I took the stairs back to my floor and locked myself
in my office. Placing the condom in my purse I sat down at my desk;
then I lowered my head onto my arms and cried. I cried for the girl
I used to be and for the woman I had begun to become. I cried
because I knew the path I had chosen would forever change me. I
cried because I no longer knew what tomorrow would bring and how
long I’d survive after that.

As my confusion and anger grew I opened the laptop
and hit play on the webcam, angling it so he would see only my
pussy. I harshly masturbated my clit until I came, screaming out,
not caring who could hear me. I fought to catch my breath and get
control of myself, slamming the laptop shut as the tears flowed
harder down my cheeks.

In a panic, I paced my office until I got myself
together. Then I wiped my face and chanced a walk down the hall to
the bathroom. I made it there without crossing paths with anyone,
sat down in the stall and peed. I cleansed myself of all my wetness
and even considered taking out the plug. Although he hadn’t ordered
me to wear it all day, I decided not to chance it.

Just the effort of walking back to my office had my
juices flowing again. I had four more hours to go and couldn’t
imagine how I’d make it through. I decided minimal movement would
be best. I took my time taking care of my much neglected filing at
my desk. Blessedly no one came by my office for the rest of the
day.

By the time I made it back to the apartment, even my
clothes seemed possessed. I felt strange and sordid, sullied in
some way. I anxiously turned the shower to hot with the intention
of washing some of the filth away. I removed the tulip, aware of
the chaffing around my ass. Stepping into the shower, I allowed the
water to cover my head and block out everything but my own
thoughts.

I never made the call to Parker about going to the
movies. Instead, I climbed into bed and checked my email. I
realized I needed to email Luke the videos I had made. I didn’t
know what to write to him. I had expected an email back but felt
extremely disappointed when I didn’t receive so much as a short
note.

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject: Today

Attachment: Jane4u.avi
& Jane2.avi

Luke,

I didn’t complete
Option
#3, as an
interruption threw me off. First video explains it all. I completed
Option
#2 to avoid #1.
The second video shows my state after #2.

No email for me? I’m
turning my life inside out for you and you can’t scrape a bit of
time to answer my email. That must be saying something. As I’m sure
you can tell I’m not in a good space. I’m already in bed and don’t
plan to get out until I have to get ready for what normal people
would call a lunch with
M
other tomorrow. For me it’s more like penance and
self punishment.

Anyway, I have nothing
more to say.

—
Jane

I knew I would feel better if I went for a run, but
instead I just lay there waiting for oblivion to take over.

The ring tone on my cellphone sounded. I snapped it
up off the nightstand and opened it.

“
Jane?” Luke said.

“
Yes, it’s me,” I said, sitting up in bed,
excitement erupting in me. “You called!” I remembered that I
sounded like a little girl whose father had come home from a long
trip.

“
Of course I called after seeing the second
video. Oh babe, are you all right? I never thought you would choose
option two but I’m so damn proud of you. You continue to amaze me,
Jane.”

“
I don’t feel the least bit amazing,” I said,
lying there staring at the ceiling, fantasizing about his smile and
feeling the happiness that came with hearing his voice.

“
Oh, but you will when I get home. Spatula is
off the list but you still owe me.”

“
What? What the hell are you talking about? I
have a condom full of sperm for you!”

“
I’m sensing a lot of attitude and here I was
hoping to console you,” he said. His voice sounded tiny on the
cell, not the way it would sound when he was in the same room with
me.

“
Console me? You sure have a funny way of
showing it.”

“
I was just letting you know that the second
orgasm you gave yourself was taking matters into your own hands
and, as you must realize already, your body is mine, Jane. All of
it, all the time. So you owe me for your not-so-little
release.”

“
Well, then, I owe you twice,” I said, scooting
back down and rolling on my side. Sarcasm never achieves what I
hope it will but is almost impossible for me to resist.

“
And why is that? Jane?” he asked.

“
I masturbated before work yesterday at the
idea of what I would do today.”

“
Jane,” he said, this time with annoyance in
his voice. “Jane, rule number one states: Your body is mine. You no
longer have control over your own pleasure. I will use your body as
I see fit for your pleasure and mine.”

“
Oh,” I said, sticking a finger in my mouth as
if I didn’t know that already.

“
Yes, Jane. So now you owe me twice when I get
home. I will take into consideration all the honesty you have shown
me while I’ve been away. You could’ve started the video over but
you didn’t. That means a lot to me and hasn’t gone
unnoticed.”

“
I miss you, Luke.”

“
Oh babe, I miss you, too. You wouldn’t believe
how much. I’ll show you when I get home. My flight gets in at nine
a.m. and that should put me at our place by ten. Wait for me in
bed, love.”

“
Okay, I will. I can’t wait.”

“
One more thing. I don’t want you talking to
other men. I don’t like you running ‘into’ Scott.”

“
Scott’s nobody to me, Luke.”

“
Regardless, please avoid him if you see him
again.”

“
If that’s what you want. Okay.”

“
I have to go now but I’ll be seeing you
soon.”

“
I love you, Luke,” I said.

“
I love you too, babe. Sweet dreams. Oh, and
have a good lunch with your mother tomorrow. Have to
go.”

“
Bye.”

His phone call changed everything for me. Before his
call I’d felt so depressed and ashamed and downright depraved, but
after hearing his voice my perspective shifted. He loved me and
that made all the difference. I got out of bed, fixed myself dinner
and watched a movie on TV. By the time my head hit the pillow again
the anxiety and fear for my sanity was gone. I felt apprehensive
regarding lunch with my mother but I figured that if I could jerk
off Pierce and survive it, I could handle anything she threw at
me.

For lunch with my mother I wore a new outfit—beige
shorts and a multi-hued green shirt. I looked in the mirror before
heading out and smiled. Although dreading the time I would spend
with her, I felt more powerful than I had in a long time.

I already knew what my mother would wear. A wool
skirt hemmed right above the knees—probably brown, a colorful
long-sleeved blouse that Jackson Pollack would be proud of and low
beige heels. She wouldn’t take the weather into consideration. I
never understood how my mother’s genes combined with my father’s
resulted in me. My mother was short and stocky with legs that ended
in cankles. She had her hair done once a week just like her mother
and kept it sprayed in place. I wore little or no makeup; she
wouldn’t leave the house without her “face.” I never quite
understood why my mother seemed more like my friends’ grandparents
than their parents.

“
That’s a smart outfit,” she said as she
approached. “You look younger, Jane, I like it.”

“
What do you want, Mother?” I said, pivoting to
face her.

“
Jane, why would you say something like that to
me?” She threw up her hands in exasperation.

“
Well, let’s just say you aren’t one for
compliments.”

“
People change,” she said, raising her eyebrows
as if offering just one possibility.

“
Have you met someone? Did you actually go out
to the community center?” I asked, suspicious as ever of her
motives.

“
Well no. Can’t I just be happy to be lunching
with my daughter?” she said as we followed the host to our
table.

“
Okay,” I said. I sat down by the window, still
waiting for her to reveal the real reason for her atypical
behavior. The snake you know is far safer than the spider you
don’t.

“
So, have you moved?” she asked.

“
Sort of,” I said. I took the black napkin off
the table and placed it on my lap. “After we have lunch I’m going
to swing back by my apartment and pack some more
things.”

“
Oh, I was hoping to see your new place.” She
lined her silverware straight on two sides and moved her water
glass closer.

“
We aren’t all settled in yet.” I couldn’t
imagine my mother in our place. I couldn’t visualize it at
all.

“
I see. So when do I get to meet him?” She
drummed her fingers on the table.

“
He’s out of town until tomorrow but I’ll ask
him soon,” I said to placate her.

“
Good.” Her fingers mercifully
stilled.

I finally realized her little act had to do with
wanting to meet Luke. If she behaved, she thought her chances of my
introducing him to her would increase. My mother was anything if
not crafty. She never seemed to go about anything straight on.
Lying was second nature to her—one of the reasons I abhorred
it.

“
You’ll never guess who I heard from last
week,” she said.

“
Who?” I pretended interest.

“
Jim,” she said nonchalantly.

“
Dad called and you’re only telling me now?” I
hadn’t heard from my father for years. The only reason he would
stomach calling my mother would be to get in touch with me. “That’s
bullshit, Mother. What did he say?”

“
Jane, don’t curse at me or I’ll leave you
sitting in this restaurant even before our food has been served.”
She moved her chair back, threatening to get up.

“
Okay, okay, please sit down, Mother,” I said.
“I will control myself.”

“
I didn’t hear an apology in that.” She grabbed
her purse off the table.

“
I’m sorry for cursing, Mother. Please tell
me.” Although I pleaded with her, I really wanted to reach across
and grab her by the lapels.

“
He wanted to get in touch with you,
but ….”

A litany of curse words ran through my head. I took a
deep breath before speaking. “But what?” I clasped my hands in my
lap, trying to calm myself.

“
I told him you were busy and I didn’t want to
bother you,” she said, tilting her head, as if that were a
perfectly reasonable response.

I stood up and walked outside the restaurant. I knew
my mother could see me but I didn’t care. “Fuck, shit, fuck, shit,”
I said out loud to myself. “If only I could slap her. That would
feel so good.” I took a couple of deep breaths and slowly walked
back in, heading back to our table.

“
Please tell me you got his current number,” I
said through clenched teeth. I sat down and placed my hands on the
table in front of us.

She reached into her purse and handed me a piece of
paper.

Why couldn’t she have just given me his number? So
like her to add stress where none was necessary.

“
Thank you,” I said, just barely managing to
get it out. “What did he say?”