My Body-His (20 page)

While I recovered my equilibrium, Luke fed me my
meal. I had never enjoyed so much attention. He fed me water and
wine to wash down the eggplant parmesan. He dabbed my mouth with my
napkin and cared for me in a way my mother never had. He whispered
loving phrases as I ate and drank. We laughed and shared
affectionate kisses. I experienced a raft of conflicting
emotions—chagrin at my inexperience, euphoria at being cared for so
thoughtfully … All these lows and highs were combined with arousal,
which confused me the most. The turmoil reminded me of my dad.

“
I forgot to tell you that my father got in
touch with my mother hoping to get in touch with me,” I blurted
out. “I have his new number but I haven’t called yet.” It felt
weird to share intimate details without being able to see Luke’s
face.

“
Will you call? I’d like to meet
him.”

“
My mother wants to meet you but—”

“
But what, Jane?”

“
She’s a bitch … for lack of a better term.” I
played with the napkin on my lap and tried to imagine my mother
with Luke.

“
Are you worried for me?” he said, laughing.
“Oh, you would be surprised at how well I can put someone in their
place. They even end up thanking me for it. I think meeting your
parents will give me more insight into you.”

“
Will I meet your parents?” I asked.

“
They’re deceased.”

“
Brothers or sisters?”

“
No,” Luke said.

Goosebumps rose along my arms. It bothered me that he
had no ties.

“
Will I meet your friends?”

“
I’m mostly a loner, Jane. Many of my
acquaintances are work related. I only need one close friend at a
time and you’re it.”

“
Will you give me the chance to know you
better?”

“
Of course, my love. That takes time and we
have plenty of that … or will, as soon as you quit your job.” I
could hear the smile in his voice. He had an uncanny ability to
change the subject. “Let’s take dessert to go, shall we?
Cannoli?”

“
Sounds perfect,” I said.

“
One more thing before we leave the
restaurant,” he said.

Angst clouded my mind. I knew I would soon be paying
my penalty, but surely not in the restaurant.

I followed Luke’s lead back toward the front of the
front. All the sounds changed as we entered the kitchen. I heard
the clinking of plates and the sizzling of food on the grill and in
the pans. People hustled past us as we made our way through.

“
Where are you taking me?” I said.

“
Quiet,” Luke said, sternly. “Not a
word.”

As soon as I met his new expectations emotionally and
physically, he would push me even further past my comfort zone.
Fear put me on high alert, and tears brimmed in my eyes. I knew in
that moment that I’d never truly be able to catch up. I would
forever be treading water with this man. I had thought the incident
with Pierce would be the limit, but that night I realized that
there would be no limits. Luke would continue to push and cajole me
ever deeper. All these thoughts traveled through my mind as I
continued to allow Luke to lead me further into depravity.

When we came to a halt, I could still hear the
kitchen sounds muffled in the distance. Another set of feet
shuffled into the room. My first instinct was to pull away out of
fear, but I knew I had to bring those reactions under control.
Would he allow another man to fuck me?
I thought. I started
to shake, quietly fighting the tears that threatened to betray me.
The caring, comforting Luke had left and in his place was the dark
Luke I had also come to know. The energy shift was as striking as a
cold front moving in after a sunny day.

“
Put your arms out in front of you,” he
demanded.

Obediently, I held my arms out and felt them being
tied together. My panic edged forward, causing involuntary recoil.
Luke grabbed me even tighter, manhandling me. Then he led me
straight ahead again. The edge of a table hit me at hip level, and
my upper body was cast forward over the top. My toes barely touched
the ground, causing my calves to cramp.

“
Spread your legs,” Luke said, kicking my feet
apart. At that moment I knew for sure we had company. Someone else
fastened me to the other end of the table. I turned my face to the
side, feeling the cold surface. My body shook out of fear and
lust.

I disgusted myself.

“
I can see you need a little reminding to keep
those thighs open for me and a bigger reminder that your clit
belongs to me now. Your pleasure is completely under my control.
Are you ready, Jane?”

“
Yes please,” I said, taking a deep breath to
steady my mind.

I don’t know what he used on me but it was the most
painful device yet. It made a hissing noise as it went through the
air. Determined not to cry in front of an audience, I tried to hold
my breath in an effort to cork the flow. After a couple of strokes,
I no longer thought of breathing or not breathing. The lashes sent
such intense pain through me that it tangled my mind. My nipples
engorged against the flat table and I felt my flower flush with
wetness.

In the beginning I could hear feet moving around the
table but after about ten hits with the whip I could hear nothing,
smell nothing. I felt as if I’d left my body. My mind floated
somewhere else, into oblivion. I returned to consciousness when
Luke whispered in my ear. A rush of awareness inundated my senses;
I could feel the energy and presences in the room.

“
You were amazing, Jane. You took thirty-two
hits of the whip and they all enjoyed the show. I will show you my
appreciation when we get home.” The sweet, caring Luke had
returned, soothing the pain and fear of just minutes
before.

Someone untied me and Luke lifted me to my feet. He
fixed my skirt as a thunderous applause erupted around us. I was
mortified as the tears I had successfully kept at bay began to
flow, and I was grateful to have the blindfold capturing them. I no
longer recognized the life I had chosen.

Luke led me out to the car and placed a pillow on the
seat before helping me to sit down. This time he had striped not
just my ass and thighs but the part of my back that lay exposed
outside of the corset. The car ride home left me squirming for a
comfortable position. I couldn’t sit straight up so I positioned
myself on my right hip, leaning against the door. I bit my lower
lip, crying silently, and the tears did not cease as he opened the
door.

Once inside the apartment, he gently removed all my
clothing, including the corset and blindfold. Then he bent me over
and removed the anal plug. I felt used and abused and very tired.
Lifting me in his arms, he brought me to our bed and ever so gently
laid my aching body down for a long night of recovery.

“
You will need to take the day off tomorrow,”
he told me.

I rolled onto my side, away from him. He smoothed my
hair as the tears finally subsided. Regaining my composure, I went
back to questioning my choices. Would I survive this crazy odyssey
of pleasure and pain?

Luke gently applied healing cream into the welts on
my back. His words of love and affection again obliterated all my
fears and apprehensions. I basked in his energy.
This
was
the Luke I longed for.

Cradled in his arms that night, I knew I traveled on
a dangerous path. I also knew I wouldn’t be able to give him
up.

* * * *

In the middle of the night I awoke. I tested my body
slowly and realized movement came much easier than I would have
thought. Cautiously I picked up my laptop and went out into the
living room.

I felt so incredibly mixed up and isolated, having no
one to tell of my confusion. I wondered why I had put myself in
this predicament. I knew then that I was addicted and couldn’t
possibly let go. What was it about Luke? I didn’t understand why my
body responded to him as it did. I was watching myself morph into
another person from moment to moment as though I had no say in the
matter.

I questioned whether I could ever have what I really
wanted with Luke. I sat there and typed, listening to his loud
breathing coming from the next room. He made me so happy and scared
at the same time. Terrified of where it all might lead, I still
couldn’t stop myself, let alone him. And truthfully, although I
needed it to stop, I didn’t want it to. I was fighting a battle
from within as to which side of my personality was going to emerge
the winner and rule my life.

What bothered me most was that he didn’t need me. Oh,
he
wanted
me, which was evident in his body’s response and
his insatiable desire, but
need
? I knew myself to be an
interchangeable part in the grand scheme of things. You would think
that hard truth would be enough reason for me to get out. Enough
reason to say goodbye. Enough reason to pack my things and go back
to my apartment. However, as he —and I—were all too aware, I would
be going nowhere. How could I go back to normal life after all I’d
experienced? I’d become so accustomed to his demands and control
over me and my pleasure, I could no longer date a “normal” man.

My father always told me that life came down to a
series of choices. Some choices we made would be good, and we’d be
happy with the outcome. Some choices would be dreadful (he liked
that word) and the outcome beyond our worst fears. But mostly, he
said, if we were willing to take responsibility for our choices, we
could live with the outcome either way.

Certainly some choices are made for us, especially
when we are young. The choice to stay, however, I made for myself.
No one held a gun to my head. Luke didn’t pressure me to decide one
way or the other. So why did I choose him, choose that life? I know
I said in the beginning of my story that I felt painfully bored.
Looking back, I can see how lame boredom is as an excuse, but I
never knew to what extent until I began experimenting with
Luke.

Admittedly, it sounded better than my being addicted
to pain/pleasure or whatever it ultimately might be. Maybe the
endorphin rush ruled my body then. All I know is that when he was
away I would get panicky and insecure, like I needed my fix of
attention or approval from him. Sometimes I felt like I should have
slapped myself upside the head and screamed,
Wake
the
fuck
up
...
what
are you doing to
yourself?
But then he would call or come home or send a sweet
email and I’d be healed all over again and good until the next
fix.

My dad never said much about stupid choices that I
can recall. He thought of life as one big adventure. I could never
understand what he saw in my mother. Why would my freedom-loving,
adventurous dad pick someone so unlike himself? So scared and
controlling? I wondered if I had chosen the same path. Was I also
picking someone just because he was completely different from
me?

I closed the computer top because I didn’t want to
think about any of it anymore. I climbed back into bed and Luke
immediately rolled over and spooned me into him. Despite the pain
of my welts, I reveled in his warmth and strength. I listened to
his breathing and within minutes fell back asleep.

“
Morning babe,” Luke said as he rolled over,
wrapping his arm around my waist. “How are you feeling?” He propped
himself up on his elbow and leaned in to kiss my breast.

I moved around a bit in bed and said, “My body’s sore
and tight. I need to call into work. Don’t think I’ll be running
today, either.”

“
Today will be a busy day for me,” he said as
he suddenly climbed out of bed. “Since you have the day off, plan a
get together for your friends and family for Friday. Make the
arrangements … order some food.”

“
Oh, well … I certainly can’t have my father
and mother in the same place and I usually don’t mix my mother with
my friends—”

“
Jane, love, just work it out. As I’ve said, I
can handle your mother. Wait on your father if you must but
otherwise let’s get it out of the way, shall we?”

“
Okay,” I said, filled with trepidation. I lay
there wondering how I would feel if they all disliked him. Would
they sense the danger lurking under the surface?

“
If I have time today I would love to get some
shots of you. Your welts are healing quickly,” he said as he ran
his hand down my buttocks and thighs. “But I think they will still
photograph well.”

“
Hmmmm,” I said distracted by his
touch.

He rolled me onto my side and swatted my ass.

“
Hey,” I said, yelping.

“
Time’s a-wastin’,” he said as he left the
room.

* * * *

I left messages for Parker and Sandy but put off
calling my mother. I thought of inviting Allison but worried about
mixing work with my personal life. I didn’t think Allison would
talk about Luke at the office but couldn’t be sure.

I wrote for a while and then made Luke and me turkey
sandwiches for lunch. Taking the chance of bothering him, I knocked
on his studio door.

“
Come in,” he said.

“
Lunch,” I said, holding out the
plate.

“
Come here, love,” he said. He took the plate
from my hand and pulled me toward him. “Thank you. That was very
thoughtful of you.” He kissed me thoroughly, leaving me dizzy with
lust. I enjoyed sitting on his lap and pushing his light brown
straight hair out of his eyes.