My Body-His (23 page)

When I walked her to the door she said, “I can see
why you let Luke sweep you off your feet. You seem happy, Jane, and
that’s good.” I knew that part of her affability was the liquor
speaking but I appreciated it nonetheless.

“
Thank you for coming,” I said and actually
meant it. “Are you okay to drive, Mom?”

“
Yes, of course I am. I never let myself drink
too much. Let me by, please.”

“
Drive safely,” I said.

Pierce left next and said, “We’re good, Jane. Luke
explained it all to me and now I understand.”

Pierce’s
understanding
had me more worried
than Pierce’s confusion. I wondered what Luke had actually said to
him.

Sandy left next. As she was leaving she said, “I
would love for the four of us to go out. I’m sure Jason and Luke
would hit it off famously.”

“
I’ll ask Luke,” I said. “It was so good to
finally see you. I feel like it’s been months but it’s only been a
couple of weeks.”

“
Life really has changed for you in a short
while. That’s obvious. I think it’s a good change and I’m happy for
you, Jane.” She gave me a big hug and I accompanied her to the
door.

“
This was a lot of fun,” Allison said. “Rick is
going to kill me because I invited another person to the
wedding.”

Parker said, “If it’s going to cause problems, Ally,
I won’t—”

“
Not at all,” Allison replied, laughing. “It
was so great meeting you and I definitely want you there. He’ll
live with it, not to worry.”

“
Thanks Jane,” Parker said, “This was great and
I can see I’ve nothing to worry about. Sometimes we just get lucky.
Hopefully I’ll be next.”

“
They say weddings are a great place to meet
someone,” Allison said.

I hugged them both goodbye.

Brian was the last to leave. Luke and Brian were deep
in conversation as I said goodbye to all of our other guests. I
couldn’t fathom what they’d have to talk about or what they could
possibly have in common.

Luke walked Brian to the door and Brian said, “I
clearly waited too long, but the best man won.” He smiled and then
said, “See you at work on Monday.”

“
Oh,” I said. “Okay then, thanks for
coming.”

The night had put me in a tailspin. I should’ve been
happy that everyone liked Luke so much, but for some reason I was
even more concerned.

“
Well, that turned out well, Jane,” Luke said
as he closed the door. “You did a great job. You have wonderful
friends who really care about you, and your mother is a hoot. I
even thought Pierce and Brian were an interesting pair.”

I turned to face him, the wine giving me courage.
“Why were you late? I had to make excuses for you. I remember that
first day outside my office when you said, and I quote, ‘I am never
late.’ ” I began to undress, avoiding his eyes.

“
Is that really what you want to talk about? I
thought we would climb into bed and I could make it up to
you.”

“
Were you out with Pierce? What did you say to
him? Why, all of a sudden, does he ‘understand’?”

“
Jane, come here and let me take you in my
arms. We can talk about all of this tomorrow.” He reached for my
hand. “Did you tell the restaurant to deliver the food early?” I
would not be deterred.

Luke laughed but then tilted his head. “If you aren’t
interested in cooperating, I could tie you down and have my way
with you.”

“
Answer my questions and then you’ll see just
how cooperative I can be.”

“
I told you.
Tomorrow
, Jane. You’re
pushing it. Please come to me, as I truly want to make my tardiness
up to you.”

Unwilling to let the matter rest, I crossed my arms
in front of me.

“
Have it your way,” he said. “Don’t think I’ll
enjoy it any less. To the contrary, I will enjoy it even
more.”

“
No,” I said, stepping back as he
approached.

He just laughed and easily scooped my slight body up
into his arms. I kicked like a little kid wanting to be put
down.

“
So you want it rough, do you?” he said,
laughing again. He hauled me to the bed, dropping me in the
center.

I scurried to the side and tried to stand. In the
meantime he retrieved leather straps from the nightstand, pushed me
back down on the bed, and flipped me over. I kicked him in the
stomach but he foisted his body forcefully over mine. I wiggled to
get out from under him but he held me fast. He flipped around so
his head lay at my feet. After fastening the strap to my right
ankle he managed to attach it to the corner of the bed. He did the
same with my left leg. Tethered to the length of the bed instead of
the width, I was spread out as much as possible.

His leg was near my mouth so I bit into it with all
the force I could muster.

“
Oh, Jane, you’re going to pay for
that.”

“
Fuck you,” I said.

“
And for that as well. My advice is to
cooperate and shut the fuck up because I have an entire weekend to
keep you tied up and show you the error of your ways.
Unless …. Just say the word. Is that what you
want?”

“
I want you to answer my questions! That’s what
I want.”

“
I answer questions when I’m good and ready. I
apologized for being late and planned to make it up to you but you
wouldn’t let me. I never implied I’d be willing to account for my
time. That’s none of your business. I’m surprised, completely
surprised, by this turn of events. I thought we threw a wonderful
party. It was a good night and yet …. Too much wine, perhaps?
At any rate, you’ve more than earned what you’ll be
receiving.”

He walked around the bed and fastened my arms to the
side corners.

I had stopped fighting the inevitable. Did I want him
to punish me? Is that why I goaded him? I used to think I knew why
I behaved in certain ways but at that point I struggled to
understand myself. The party had turned out great, as he said, even
though he showed up late. Why was I pushing him?

He didn’t go to his office to get a whip or paddle.
He didn’t use his hand to spank me. He simply fucked me up the ass
without lubrication until he came. I had never felt more humiliated
or violated. The game of pleasure and pain didn’t exist that night.
The sex didn’t turn me on in the least, and I’m sure that was his
intention. Even with all the discipline he had inflicted in the
past, my pleasure was the ultimate reward. After the party there
was none.

He abruptly released me and left me alone in the
room. He didn’t return to our bed that night.

* * * *

The next morning I found him sleeping on the couch. I
removed my blouse and bra before I crawled back into bed. The sobs
shredded me as the reality of my life besieged me.

He must have heard because he came in and spooned me
to him. He held me as the weeping racked my body.

“
I love you, Jane, and in time you’ll come to
learn my ways. I’m not one to be pushed.”

I continued to cry. He stroked my head as he held me
and after a while the tears subsided. I didn’t say anything because
I didn’t know what to say. I felt confused, hurt, and angry—but
also safe in his arms. My mind split over feeling safe and rescued
by my persecutor.

I lay there, wondering if we could ever have a
normal, healthy relationship. The core of me already knew the
answer. I just wasn’t ready to face it.

That night several things became clear. It was as if
my tears had washed away my self-deception.

After the party I essentially had no one I could talk
to about this crazy life I’d chosen. My mother and my friends had
experienced the normal, happy, great guy who moved about with
confidence and a winning smile. They didn’t know that the artwork
behind the couch was used to tie me up and whip me. They had no
idea what lay behind the door to the second bedroom. They didn’t
realize I spent my time naked, that Luke’s control over me was
absolute even if I fought it.

“
Are you ready for some breakfast?” he
asked.

“
I guess,” I said.

We got up and walked into the kitchen. He had cleaned
up the party from last night. It was as if it hadn’t happened until
he opened the refrigerator and I saw all the Italian food.

“
Shall we reheat leftovers?” he
asked.

For me, eating that food again would have been like
reliving the party.

“
We can toss the rest of it as far as I’m
concerned,” I said.

“
It’s not nearly as good as Marcello’s
Restaurant. Why didn’t you order from there?”

“
I thought the food was fine, but I cannot
stomach eating it again. You’re so funny sometimes, Luke. First of
all, I didn’t know the name of the restaurant you took me to
because ….”

“
Right,” he said, laughing.

“
And, secondly, I’d never show my face there
again willingly.”

“
They didn’t see your face because you were
blindfolded. Now who’s being the funny one?”

“
Regardless, I’d think they were all staring at
me.”

“
We’ll have to work on some of those
inhibitions of yours, Jane.”

“
Inhibitions? How many people are okay being
whipped in front of an audience? A small number, I would
think.”

“
Perhaps. Perhaps not. People change. You’ll
see.”

“
So, breakfast?” I said, changing the
subject.

“
I’ll whip something up,” Luke said and
laughed.

I still wanted my questions answered but I didn’t
dare poke the sleeping lion. We ate in silence, the distance
palpable. I watched him as he read the paper. Being disconnected
from the one I loved made my heart feel as if it were physically
breaking. I felt depressed and lonely. I knew I should’ve gone
running first thing, but now that my belly was full of eggs and
toast, I had no interest.

“
How about a bed day?” he asked.

“
What’s a bed day?”

“
We spend all day in bed. We can read, make
love, talk, watch a movie on the laptop, eat dinner, etc., all in
bed. You could write if you wanted to.”

“
I’m not in a very good mood, so I’m not sure
what kind of ‘bed company’ I’d make,” I said. I leaned my face on
my hand and looked up at him.

“
I’m sure I can help with your mood. How about
we shower, and after, I answer your questions from last night? What
do you say? Come on.” He put his hand under my chin and brought his
mouth to mine. I fell into the kiss as his energy overtook me. He
explored my mouth with his tongue and sucked on my lower lip. My
treasonous body responded to him as if I was a fiddle for his
playing.

He lifted me up and pulled me onto his lap. His cock
was hard and I was wet. I slid down on top of him and he used his
arms to lift me up and down. I avoided his eyes. I was aroused but
sad at the same time.

“
Look at me,” he said.

I didn’t comply. He stopped moving my body and used
his hand to lift my chin. “Baby, look at me, please.”

This time I did as he asked. I saw the love there and
allowed it to penetrate me. When we connected like that all
thoughts of my ultimate doom vanished and euphoria took over. Again
and again he could bring me back to him.

* * * *

After the shower, as I climbed into bed, I pondered
how to best approach him. I had learned to make my words count.
“Question time,” I said.

“
You know how to kill a perfectly good mood,”
Luke said but smiled.

“
You said you’d answer all my questions. Better
to get them over with quickly than drag them out. It’ll be like
ripping a band-aid off a wound,” I said.

“
I guess your mood’s improved, Sassy Girl,” he
said, hugging me close to his chest.

“
Why were you late?” I hurtled forward with
abandon.

“
I had errands to do and they ran long. That’s
all I’m going to say. I don’t ask you to account for your day and I
demand the same respect. Next?”

I pushed away from him. “If I had showed up almost an
hour late for a party here …. I can’t even imagine the
consequences, so don’t give me that crap.”

“
That crap?” he said. He pushed me down onto my
back and straddled my waist. He held my arms down around the top of
my head.

“
Hey, let me up!” I said. I was completely
pinned to the bed by his strength.

“
Not until we are done with these silly
questions. Continue, please,” he said, smiling down at me. He
leaned in and kissed my nose.

“
Don’t patronize me.” I struggled to get out
from under him but his sinewy body and strong arms kept me in
place. “You think holding me down is going to keep me from asking
the questions I need answers to?”

“
Remains to be seen, does it not?”

“
Again, why were you late? Under those
circumstances, I would have to account for my time. I’d also
receive a good paddling, I imagine.”

“
Are you saying you want to paddle me? This big
man? Now that’s funny.” He laughed so hard it rocked us both on the
bed.

“
That’s a funny image, hmmm. Maybe something
for me to write about,” I said. He moved one hand to hold both of
mine and tickled my right side with his free hand.