My Body-His (24 page)

“
Hey, that’s not fair,” I said,
laughing.

“
I never said things between us would be fair.
Did I?”

“
No, but hey …. Wait, wait,” I said between
laughing. “How am I supposed to ask my questions?”

“
That’s the point,” he said.

He stopped his tickling and began drawing circles
around my right nipple. My breathing increased, revealing my
craving.

“
LUKE,” I yelled. “Seriously!”

“
Okay, but get it over with already. You’re
taking such a long time.” He shook me again with his
laugher.

“
Were you out with Pierce?” I said,
quickly.

“
No, of course not. But to answer your next
question and to get back to my exploration of your bodily reflex
responses, I did have an opportunity to speak with him before
coming up to our place. I told him I put you up to the task you
performed. He seemed to buy it. I also asked if he was willing to
be used in the future and guess what he said.”

“
Yes,” I said. “But that won’t really be
necessary, right?”

“
We shall see. Next?”

“
The delivery of the food.”

“
Oh, did you like the delivery boy? I picked
him out for you. They were going to send some old guy. I thought
you’d have more fun with the boy.”

“
Di— Did you change the time the food would be
delivered?”

“
Of course,” he said. He smiled as if he was
proud of himself.

“
And his coming onto me?”

“
I think your nudity was the culprit in
that.”

“
How did you know I opened the door
naked?”

“
I was waiting downstairs to give him an extra
tip.”

“
You’re too much.”

“
Much better than too little I would
think.”

I laughed out loud. “Can I get up now?”

“
Definitely not,” he said. “Is the
interrogation over? Because I have other plans for us.”

“
One more question that’s been bothering me for
a long time,” I said.

“
Let’s get it over with quickly,” he said,
running his hand down my stomach and stopping just above my
mound.

I squirmed, finding it hard to focus. “Luke, come
on!”

“
Ask me already, Jane, really!” He
chuckled.

“
Why did you tell me to get you a pack of
cigarettes at the party when you don’t smoke?”

The bed shook uproariously as the laughter exploded
out of him. “Why do you think?” he said. “You’re a smart girl.”

“
Oh,” I said. I understood. He had just wanted
to make the challenge of going downstairs even more
difficult.

“
Please tell me you’re done with the
interrogation.”

“
Just one more thing,” I said, trying to
suppress my giggles.

“
Out with it.”

“
The delivery guy thought you were my dad,” I
said.

“
Well, then, little girl,” he said, adjusting
us and rolling me over his lap. “This bad girl needs her
spanking.”

* * * *

On Sunday I took my last pill and freaked. I would
get my period in a couple of days and yet I had to be naked in the
apartment. The fact that I hadn’t considered that challenge earlier
just showed how detached I had become from reality. Surely Luke
would understand. I used tampons, but as every woman knows, they
are not foolproof.

“
I took my last pill today,” I said.

“
And?” he said.

“
Well, I’ll get my period in a couple of days
and want to be able to wear underwear during that time.”

“
No. Keep a towel with you. That’s what the
others did.”

His comment took my breath away. “The others?”

“
We’ve been through this, Jane. There have been
others before you. You already knew this. Yes, the others used a
towel. Put one on couch, one on the bed and one for the chairs if
we sit at the table. You’ll get used to it like everything else.
One woman just kept a towel with her and moved it around. You’ll
figure it out.” I had been dismissed. He went back to reading the
paper.

“
How many others?” I asked. Angst constricted
my throat trapping my breath.

“
Jane, please, let’s not do this again. We have
a wonderful day ahead of us. We had an amazing day yesterday. Let’s
leave the past in the past.”

With Luke I suffered jealousy for the first time in
my life. My closest brush with jealousy up until then had happened
after a boyfriend and I had called it quits. There was this woman
from work who would get drunk and hit on him while we were still
dating. After we broke up he slept with her. It pissed me off. He
wasn’t cheating on me but it still made me mad. I wasn’t sure if
that qualified as jealousy or righteous indignation. With Luke I
felt jealousy at the very thought that there had been women before
me and worse, that there could be women after me.

Why was I insecure about his love … about his
loyalty? He’d been constant from the start, but I still questioned
if our love was special to him and even more importantly, whether
or not I could easily be replaced. His reassurances didn’t seem to
help.

Luke put the paper down and turned to face me. It was
as if he could hear my thoughts. “Baby, you’re my one and only. As
long as you choose to stay, you’ll have my undying loyalty. I love
you and have no interest in others.”

“
Okay,” I said but wanted to say so much more.
I wanted to know all about his past girlfriends. I needed to know
if he had taken pictures of all of them and how they were different
from me, but it would just piss him off if I asked.

He broke my train of thought by saying, “I have to go
away again, love.”

“
When?” My shoulders dropped and I tried not to
pout.

“
Tuesday,” he said.

“
For how long this time?” I knew there was bite
in my question but I couldn’t control myself.

“
Possibly a week. I don’t want to be away from
you that long so it may be shorter. I’m only flying to Seattle, so
the turnaround time won’t be as long.”

“
Oh.”

“
Of course you are welcome to come along. I’ll
be busy but will have time for you at night. Don’t you have
vacation time you can take off from work?”

“
Yes, but we’re required to give four weeks’
notice prior to taking off longer than a day.”

“
You can always quit that job of yours and try
your hand at writing a book. You have taken to writing, it seems. I
watch you get lost in your own world when you’re on the computer.
Think it over, love.”

“
How would it work? I mean, I need my paycheck
to pay for my condo and car. I get health insurance, life insurance
and a 401K from my job.”

“
This is how it would work. You would get rid
of your apartment. Sell it, and we will invest the money. Your car
is a lease right? You can turn it in early and I’ll pay the
penalty, if there is one. As we will be together most of the time,
I can’t see why we’d need more than one car.”

“
Oh ….” I didn’t know what to say.

Being raised by a single mom had made me long for the
day when a man would sweep me off my feet and free me from having
to work. I had dreamed of writing the next great American novel. I
imagined I should be jumping for joy but inside I felt petrified.
How much autonomy would I have left? I wondered if I’d lose all
control over my life.

“
Jane?” he said. “Are you okay?”

I thought about what my mother said regarding the
small bathroom. He said he had a lot of money but our apartment was
small. I found it cozy and perfect for us, but if he had loads of
money, why had he chosen that particular apartment?

“
I don’t know how to say this and I mean no
offense but—”

“
Just say it,” he said.

“
Well, our apartment is fairly small and has no
elevator and really, I’m not complaining at all, but if you have so
much money ….”

“
That’s not what I thought you were going to
say,” he said, laughing. “I picked this place because it was close
to your work and immediately available. That’s all. I figured we’d
move when you finally decided to leave your job. Maybe move closer
to the beach, because you love to run there, or move across the
country. If I didn’t love what I do, I could retire now. So there’s
no need for you to worry about insurance or anything
else.”

“
It’s a lot to think about,” I said. I felt an
instant shift in his mood.

“
You can think about it while I’m away again.
Keep in mind that I will tolerate us being apart less and
less.”

“
What does that mean?”

“
Exactly what I said. I want us to spend our
lives together. My life involves a lot of travel and I want to
share that part of it with you. There are many temptations out
there when I’m traveling, and I’ve never strayed, but I only have
so much tolerance for being alone.”

“
That feels like a threat to me,” I said,
standing up from the table and beginning to pace.

“
Take it as you will, Jane. I’m a man with
needs and I only have so much patience. I’ll never do anything
without telling you first and I’m telling you nothing will happen
on this trip, but eventually we’ll have to come to some arrangement
if you plan to keep working at your job.”

“
Arrangement?” I said. I moved back toward the
table. I wanted to cry and hit him at the same time but did
neither. I just stood there in front of him with my arms hanging at
my sides. I felt raw and exposed, as if my heart was splayed open
for him. He was like a crow picking away at it.

“
We’d see other people while I’m gone. You’d
have the same prerogative as I, although I’ve been known to get
jealous. It can be ugly.” He paused. “At any rate, Jane, my
preference is for you to give notice at your job as soon as
possible.”

* * * *

Luke left on Tuesday and, thankfully, we parted on
good terms. However, while he was in Seattle, I discovered more
than I had bargained for.

On the Thursday after Luke left I got home from work
and heard his phone ring for the first time. I hadn’t bothered
turning off the ringer because the calls had been infrequent. By
the time I went to bed, though, there had been a couple more, so I
turned it off. During the night I was awakened several times by the
phone in the second bedroom and realized they were coming hourly.
By three o’clock in the morning I had convinced myself the caller
had to be an ex-girlfriend because no business associate would keep
calling every hour throughout the night.

My stomach churned and I got very little sleep. At
five in the morning I sent an email to Luke.

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject: The Phone

Hi Luke,

The phone has been
ringing every hour since I arrived home from work last night. I
turned the ringer off on the phone in the living room but the one
in your office keeps ringing, and I can hear it through the wall. I
got very little sleep last night and am pretty grumpy.

Did you piss off an old
girlfriend? Should I be worried for my safety? I know you hate my
jealousy but it’s running rampant right now.

Is there something you
can do about the phone? I mean I know you’re on the other side of
the country but if there’s a way for you to turn off the ringer
remotely, please do so.

You can’t get home soon
enough, Luke. I hate us being apart.

I’ll have a surprise
for you when you get back.

I would love to get a
call from you just to hear your voice.

Missing you so,

Jane

The calls continued until I left for work. When I
returned home on Friday, only twenty minutes passed before the
phone rang again. I checked my email but found nothing from Luke. I
realized I didn’t have his number. Or did I? I looked around the
bedroom for the card he had given me with his email address. I
dialed the number on the card from my cellphone. When the phone
started ringing in his office, I felt defeated.

Staring at the card, I wondered if controlme.com was
a website. I opened my laptop again and typed in www.controlme.com.
As the first page populated, my own image stared back at me. There
could be no mistake. I clicked on the picture of me tied to the
chair following my nipple torment and subsequent orgasms. The click
took me to another page of pictures. Had he taken so many of me
already? There I was, tied to the bed, tied to the artwork behind
the couch. There were pictures he had taken in the studio and even
of me sleeping. I had to admit, as pissed off as I felt, that the
pictures were good. But I couldn’t imagine why people would
actually buy these when they could already view them on the site. I
wondered if anyone had framed photographs of me on their wall.
Trepidation seized me at the thought.

I went back to the home page, where I found photos of
at least twenty-five different women. Many were in school-girl
outfits, exposing themselves under their skirts. One woman I
recognized from the photograph in Luke’s office. I clicked on her
picture and found hundreds of photographs—several of them part of a
series. Her first pictures were similar to mine, but as I scrolled
down the webpage, they became more and more extreme. In one photo
she had what looked like needles, thick ones, piercing each nipple.
Frightened, I shut the laptop. I wondered if that was what he
intended for me.