Authors: Anna Antonia
I heard the satisfaction tattooed across each syllable and smiled.
“Why me?”
A large sigh went through Damian’s body. “That’s a question I ask myself every day. I don’t know why you, Risa. I just know that it has to be you.”
His answer did nothing to soothe me. I heard the regret and disbelief irrevocably married to each syllable.
My smile froze.
More than ever I wished Damian blindfolded me again. I imagined he wouldn’t see the wetness seeping through the silky black fabric if he had.
“What’s this, little girl?” His thumb captured a wayward tear.
“Nothing. I’m just so happy to be yours.”
It was my deepest truth. It was also my greatest pain.
The memories of that night will be one of the few things to keep Risa going in the winter of her loneliness, being so close to the man who forgot he loved her…
I spent hours thinking about my first time with Damian because being
there
was so much better than being
here
.
Here was humiliating and heartbreaking.
Here was a false life that I still wasn’t sure how it even happened.
Here didn’t have the Damian I remembered.
Here had me going to the airport to pick up the pampered darling of a billionaire.
Here was the last place I wanted to be, but here was where I was going to stay because
here
was going to get me back
there
.
The sleek jet rolled to a stop. I squared my shoulders, taking what comfort I could from Elaine standing by my side. Her calm presence reminded me that the charade I partook in was for a valid reason and not an exercise in masochism. I was glad for it because I needed all the help I could get to survive the next few minutes.
The door opened and a handful of seconds later a familiar Titian head caught my attention.
Gretchen Smith was here to see the man who’d forgotten all about me but still remembered her.
In the too-brief moments before I’d have to speak to Damian’s ex-lover, the memories of making love to Damian for the first time replayed again.
And again.
And again.
I had to remember every intricate detail because I might end up being the only one who ever did.
DAMIAN
Things were different. I didn’t care for different. As a man of routine and order, I thrived on keeping my environment dependable.
Dull even.
Even if it wasn’t necessary for my cover as Damian Black-Price, I would’ve been this way. A place for everything and everything in its place. I earned the right to my peace considering the…extracurricular…activities I participated in for my secret family.
Structure. Discipline. Order.
Sacred tenets in my world, but imperative now that I’d apparently lost a chunk of my memories.
The doctors were optimistic that I’d regain them as time went on. Small slivers here and there before the full pictures ran their reels. I didn’t like the feel of incompletion, but it didn’t alarm me like I imagined it would a typical person.
I was used to having missing pieces. What was one more?
Besides, I was on my way to improving and getting the hell out of here. I’d be back at my desk in less than a month. My frustration had nothing to do with physical therapy and the backlog of my work.
It had everything to do with Risa. And Gretchen.
Our reunion was much I suspected it would be. Gretchen, exquisite as ever with her flame hair and flawless black ensemble, approached me with shock and sorrow. Her small hands reached for mine and she brushed her lips across my cheek lightly. I could smell the familiar scent of her perfume and face powder.
It was as if nothing had changed. Except everything had changed.
I didn’t feel the charge of desire I’d felt when our affair first started. I didn’t hunger to see Gretchen’s reserve melt beneath my hands. I didn’t want her.
Not like that.
I enjoyed her company to a point. It wasn’t quite peaceful, but it was familiar. To a point.
I never loved Gretchen but my fondness of her was real. Real enough that I seriously considered marrying her once.
But now it was as if she was anyone else from my past. The memories were there, but the emotions were dulled and faded. If Gretchen noticed my withdrawal she didn’t comment on it. She simply did what she felt needed to be done.
She accompanied me to the sessions. She fussed with my blankets. She read to me for ten minutes a day.
All in all, Gretchen treated me like an invalid but that didn’t bother me. The more she saw me as a sick man, the less of a chance she’d expect anything from me.
And that right there bothered me.
I didn’t understand my reaction. I’d already believed our relationship had run its course. Fine. But I was a prideful man. I despised any sign of weakness on my part.
Something else unexpected reared up.
I didn’t mind Gretchen doing the things that made her feel better. If arranging my blankets made her feel productive and a sense of control—fine. However, I didn’t allow her fussing any time Risa was in the room.
I absolutely refused to allow myself to appear weak in front of my PA. Despite the fact that I was avoiding her as much as possible. I didn’t want her to think of me as an invalid. I wanted her to believe I was a man without equal.
Being stuck in a bed wasn’t going to further such a grandiose opinion.
And even though I’d banished her to a point, I missed her.
I missed Risa’s chatter. I missed her smiles. I missed the sound of her small feet tapping into my room on towering heels that did nothing but emphasize just how tiny she really was.
I needed Risa to keep her distance for the moment. I practically all but threw her out when I designated her workspace in the private lounge Elaine and Leon took for their personal use.
Yet, it didn’t really matter because I’d call her back down once an hour when an e-mail or phone call sufficed. I’d then spend the time counting down the seconds until Risa reached my side.
Intent, I’d focus on every part of her.
How she refused to look at me more than a second, choosing to settle her gaze on a point over my shoulder. How her full mouth quirked down into a minute frown before smoothing out into an uninspired line. Even how quickly she blinked didn’t escape my attention.
Risa would stay only the bare minimum before leaving my room without a backwards glance. No matter how hard I stared her down and silently commanded for her to turn around, to give me something to prove she was just as entangled in this
thing
as I was.
She disobeyed me twelve times a day.
Completely. Unacceptable.
My growing obsession with Risa was uncharacteristic. What the hell did I care about a PA that I worked with for so little time that I couldn’t even remember her before now? But I did care.
Badly.
I cared that she wouldn’t look at me. I cared that she didn’t laugh in my presence, that she didn’t laugh at all. I cared that there was a pain in her eyes that she couldn’t quite hide from me.
I cared about Risa Kelly when I shouldn’t have.
Things were different indeed.
I never allowed myself feelings beyond a primitive sort. Affection purely for its own sake?
Never.
It was a puzzle that prompted me to revisit its pieces often as time passed.
It mattered to me how Risa spent her day away from me. I may have banished her to the lounge but I yanked the chain back when she was gone too long. The sound of her heels was enough to make any irritation I felt simmer down.
I craved control over her with a strength that didn’t seem unusual in itself, but considering our lack of relationship it was unusual indeed.
If I was a better man I’d let her go with an obscenely generous compensation package.
But I wasn’t a better man. I was a selfish, possessive bastard when it came to Risa. It would be a cold day in hell before I let her go.
My fixation on Risa didn’t go unnoticed by Gretchen. It was there in the stillness of her being whenever the diminutive brunette entered the room. Discomfort touched me when it happened. Despite my proclivities and financial status, I wasn’t an unfaithful man.
I didn’t tie the size of my dick or ego to how many women I could take or juggle at the same time. I found infidelity distasteful and, frankly, beneath me. I did enough lying just by the presence of my being and the secrets I kept.
I didn’t desire to add faithlessness to it.
Still, I
felt
unfaithful each time Risa came within my sphere. Even so, my fixation on her couldn’t be broken. I wanted her with me. Beneath me. On her knees. On my lap.
Something had to give.
“You’re cleared to leave in two days, Mr. Black-Price.”
I accepted the words as my due. “I’ll be leaving first thing in the morning. Have the discharge ready.”
“I’d prefer to keep you one more day—”
“Impossible.”
The doctor wisely backed down but not before shaking his silver head and letting impatience flavor his words. “You’ll naturally waive any liability for leaving early.”
I waved it away with my hand, already turning towards the table with my laptop and several files. My legs were strong and so was the rest of me.
Physical therapy did what it was designed to do. My will took it much farther. I wasn’t fit enough to run a marathon again, but I was more than capable of leaving this picturesque setting far behind.
“Have the paperwork ready and I’ll sign it.”
As soon as the doctor left and took his air of aggravation with him, Gretchen asked in her calm way, “Are you sure you can’t stay another day?”
“What for? I’ve spent an exorbitant amount of time here as it is.”
“True, but you’ve were in a coma last month.”
I regarded her. Gretchen met my gaze without hesitation. I couldn’t help but think of Risa in that moment and how stingy she was in returning my stares.
“And now I’m not.”
Gretchen lifted her book from the side table with an elegant shrug. “Very well. We’ll leave tomorrow.”
Abruptly I threw out, “You haven’t asked for details.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
Gretchen crossed her legs, as if settling down for lengthy discourse. “Because you’ll tell me what you wish me to know as you’ve always done.”
“And the fact I haven’t said anything?”
“Says everything I need to know.”
Clever Gretchen.
“Damian, I do have a question however.”
“Hmm?” I stood in front of my laptop, fingers typing an e-mail designed to bring Risa to me. I’d had enough of lying down. I stayed on my feet as much as I could.
“What would you like me to do?”
I paused. What indeed?
I finished composing my e-mail and then sent it before turning my significantly divided attention back towards the woman who was supposed to be my lover.
“What would you prefer to do?”
Something like sadness darkened her eyes. “What I would prefer and what needs to be done are two different things.”
“Indulge me then.”
I really didn’t intend to encourage Gretchen. Selfishly, I hoped she was about to bid me
adieu
. It would make everything so much easier.
Gretchen set her book aside and walked over to me. Dressed in ebony slacks and a matching cashmere sweater, she was the picture of elegance and beauty. And I was unmoved except for the appreciation one would give a painting.
Cognizant but removed.
Gretchen stopped at my side. Her voice was quiet and sincere. “I would go with you, for however long you would have me. I would work to make you happy. I would stay with you, Damian.”
That throb of unfaithfulness drummed inside me again.
I didn’t want those words from Gretchen. I wanted them from Risa.
And yet, Gretchen had stayed by my side these past few weeks. She never complained. She was loyal to me and to our history.
I owed her more than this.
Running the back of one finger across her cheek, I thought back to our time together. She was my fairy, someone who didn’t belong in my world and could never be kept for long.
And yet she was willing to throw away her power just to serve mine.
It wasn’t fair to Gretchen to wish it was Risa saying those same words to me.
“I can’t ask you to do that. You have your own life.”
“My business is in capable hands, Damian. You don’t have to worry about that.”
“I don’t worry. I know your business means the world to you. You wouldn’t leave it vulnerable.”
Gretchen reached out for me, slowly as if she no longer had the right. Once again I felt guilty at the thought of making her feel unwanted.
“I shouldn’t push like this. I know I shouldn’t but if I don’t take this chance I’ll never be at peace with myself. I still love you, Damian.”
She declared it with broken finality.
I’d never said the words to her. I’d never said the words to any woman.
Suddenly, Risa appeared in my head. I thought of her and a sense of rightness settled over me.
“Can I come with you, Damian? Would you allow that?”
I bit back my instinctive “No!” and considered Gretchen. A pretty flush dusted her fine cheekbones. She let her mask drop long enough for me to see the genuineness of her request and how vulnerable it made her.
This wasn’t the Gretchen I remembered.
I rubbed my thumb across her cheek. It disrupted her powder, a cardinal sin towards a woman as beautiful as her. Still she stood there, waiting for me as if there was all the time in the world to give to a man who truly didn’t want to keep her.
Not the way she wanted or needed.
Everything was different. But was it really?
I leaned down. I had to know.
Gretchen’s gaze widened before her lids drifted closed. My lips brushed over hers, softly, and I waited. I waited for the customary desire to come thundering through my veins.
Nothing.
I felt nothing for Gretchen except fondness for an old friend. I may not have been able to remember the last six months, but I knew enough to know there was nothing to go back to.
Where did this leave us?
A strangled gasp tore through my dispassionate curiosity. I straightened up and immediately looked towards the door. My hopes that it was a passing nurse crashed as I knew it would.
My hand fell away from Gretchen.
Risa stood there in the doorway, a look of betrayal and suffering etched across her bloodless features.
She didn’t have the right to feel that way about me. Just as I didn’t have the right to feel that way about her.
Everything was different because I now knew without a shadow of a doubt that I wanted Risa and only Risa.