Never Let Go (Take My Hand) (4 page)

“He should have told me,” I argued, even though I’d
already forgiven him.

“Come on, Emmie – put yourself in his shoes. He
found a letter that he wasn’t supposed to see yesterday, and after I explained
I made him promise to keep it quiet. Would you refuse a dying man when all he
was asking for was
one
day?”

“Don’t say that.” Even though I was beginning to
accept it was true, that didn’t mean I wanted the ‘D’ word rubbing in my face
at every available opportunity.

“You’re going to need him. Don’t push him away.”

“I love you so much,” I cried into his chest. My voice
was so high I’m not even sure I was intelligible. I squeezed Chris tightly
– clinging to him like this was the last chance I would ever get. “This
isn’t fair.”

“I know, Emmie. I know.” He continued to hold me for a
few minutes longer. He swept away the loose strands of hair that stuck to my
tear-soaked cheeks and rocked us back and forth together. “I love you, too.”

I sat up and my hand instinctively reached up to his
face. After palming his cheek for a second my fingers wandered to the back of
his head.

“You look so normal. It’s hard to believe there’s
something in there that’s going to steal you away from me.”

“Go to Dexter,” he said again, removing my hand from
his head and kissing my knuckles. “I know there’s probably more you want to
know and we’ll talk more later. But for now… go and let the poor bastard know
you’re not kicking him out.”

“Okay,” I nodded. I tried to smile but it wouldn’t
come. It was like those particular muscles in my face had dissolved. Climbing
off the bed, I headed for the door. I turned around briefly before I closed it
behind me and Chris had flopped backwards onto the mattress with his hands
pressed over his face. “I love you,” I whispered, knowing he couldn’t hear me.

Then I made my way downstairs, planning to throw
myself straight into Dexter’s arms.

Dexter

My
breath caught when I saw Emily standing
in the doorway. Immediately, I jumped from the couch.

“Emily…” I breathed, too nervous to approach her. “I’m
sorry.”

She didn’t respond with words, choosing instead to run
towards me and throw herself into my arms.
Thank
fuck.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” she sobbed into my chest. Her
whole body vibrated against me as she broke down and I held her tighter,
curling one hand behind her neck and one around her waist. “I don’t know what
I’m going to do. Tell me what I’m supposed to do,” she cried, making my eyes
sting and my heart ache.

“I don’t know, doll.”
I
wish I did.
“We’re just going to have to try and get through this one day
at a time.”

Chris appeared at the other side of the room while I was
still holding Emily. He motioned to the front door with his thumb and I gave
him a knowing nod that said I’d take care of her. I didn’t know where he was
going and I didn’t ask. The only thing I could focus on right now was soothing
Emily and holding her till her tears dried up.

An hour or so later we were settled on the couch. Emily lay
across my lap with her legs dangling off the edge. She’d stopped sobbing, but
every so often just one silent tear would seep from her swollen eyes.

‘Fuck’ I groaned inwardly when my cell started to ring. I
hated disturbing Emily but I couldn’t ignore it in case it was Aunt Sarah. This
country was still so new to her and as yet she didn’t really know anyone. Em
and I are all she’s got.

“Hey, sweet cheeks,” I answered after seeing her name flash
up on the screen.

“Hey, honey. Are you still coming over tonight?” Shit. I’d
arranged to go over because Emily was supposed to be meeting with Snickers.

“I’m sorry, something’s come up. I don’t think I can make
it.”

“He’ll be there!” Emily called out, loud enough so Aunt
Sarah could hear her down the line.

“Um… guess I
am
coming
after all. Eight o’clock?”

“Sounds good to me. And don’t eat! I’m making dinner.”

“Sure,” I agreed. “See you soon.”

After hanging up I lifted my ass so I could tuck my cell in
my back pocket. Emily looked up at me with a sad smile… a
forced
smile. I kissed her on the forehead, letting my lips linger
as if I could draw out her pain into my mouth.

“I didn’t think you’d be up to seeing Snickers tonight, and
if that’s the case then I’m not leaving you alone. Aunt Sarah will understand.”

“No. I still want to see her. She needs to know about Chris.
I just have no idea how I’m going to tell her.”

“I can stay with you.”

“I’ll be fine. I’ve missed her so much. I kind of need this
time alone with her.”

“Then I’ll shoot Jared a text. He can come and keep me and
Aunt Sarah company.”

“Good idea.” Emily nodded and then swung her legs around,
sitting upright on the edge of the couch. “He doesn’t know anyone round here.
He’d probably just end up sitting in his hotel room by himself.”

“Are you okay?” I asked, taking hold of her hand. I
regretted it instantly. Of course she wasn’t okay!

“No,” she answered solemnly, shrugging weakly. “And I’m not
sure I ever will be again.”

“You will. I promise you. I don’t know when and I don’t know
how but you will.”

She smiled softly, pacifying me. Though I knew she didn’t
believe me.

The next couple of hours dragged in silence – the only
sounds being our breathing and the occasional sniff of Emily’s tears. What if
she was right? What if she never was okay again? Every time I looked at her I
saw this fragile, broken little girl and every part of me ached to fix her. But
I couldn’t.

A knock at the door pulled me out of my thoughts. Emily was
upstairs getting changed so I walked over to answer it. I knew it would be Snickers.
The original plan was for them to meet up and go out somewhere, but after
today’s events Emily wanted to stay in. Chris was staying the night with a
friend to give them some ‘girly time’ and once Em came downstairs, I was
heading to Aunt Sarah’s.

“Hey, American,” she greeted. “Move ‘em or lose ‘em,” she
added, pointing to my legs. Smiling, I stepped aside and let her wheel past me
before closing the door. “Where’s Em?”

“Upstairs. Is Jared still on for tonight?” I knew he was,
because I texted him. I guess I was just making conversation.

“Yep. I think he’s secretly really chuffed. He’s missed your
bromance.”

Bromance?

“Rachel!” Emily said, leaping across the room and bending
down to hug her. Still no smile…

“Whoah… What’s going on, Em? You sounded like shit on the
phone.”

“I’ll leave you guys to it,” I interrupted, walking over to
Emily and bringing her in for a kiss. “You gonna be okay? I really don’t mind
staying.”

“Seriously you guys are really shitting me up now,” Snickers
piped up.

“I’ll be fine,” Emily assured, but I just couldn’t bring
myself to believe her.

“Well I won’t be late. Don’t ever forget that I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Wrinkling my face in concern, I kissed her chastely on the
lips, nodded to Snickers and then left for Aunt Sarah’s.

**********

Using my key, I opened Aunt Sarah’s front door. My neck
jerked back a little and my eyes widened in surprise when I saw Jared sitting
on her couch with his legs spread out.

“Wasn’t expecting you for another hour,” I said, kicking the
door closed behind me and walking over to him to shake his hand.

“I was bored, and I didn’t think your lovely aunt here would
mind my awesome company.” Jared winked at Aunt Sarah, making my stomach churn.

“Dude… no flirting with my aunt,” I scolded, shaking my head
and trying not to smile. Aunt Sarah giggled and raised her palms in the air. “You
find the place okay?”

“Taxi driver did, yeah.”

After making my way over to the recliner, I flopped
backwards and let out a heavy groan.

“What a fucking day,” I breathed, feeling completely
exhausted.

“What’s happened, honey? Is Emily okay?” Aunt Sarah asked.

“Chris is dying,” I blurted out, pinching the bridge of my
nose between my fingers as if that would make a difference to the violent
headache I was getting. No one spoke, but both Jared and Aunt Sarah’s mouths
dropped open. “Brain tumor,” I added.

“Jesus,” Jared muttered.

“My God, poor Emily. How is she coping?”

“She’s not. And I don’t have a fucking clue how to help
her.”

“You stay strong, that’s how you help her,” Aunt Sarah said
firmly. The hidden meaning didn’t go unnoticed. She was effectively telling me
no matter how hard this situation was, now was
not
the time to get off my face on whatever substance I could lay
my hands on.

“I have no intention of using again.” And I meant it. Of
course I’d considered it. The second I found the letter in Chris’ truck my skin
started to itch… but I will
not
let
Emily down again. Not ever.

“I wasn’t suggesting you were,” she retorted, flashing me a
motherly smile.

“Yes you were, and I don’t blame you. I’ve thought about it,
sure. But I won’t go there again. Ever.”

“Finally,” she breathed, unable to contain the wide smile
that crawled across her lips. “You’re being honest with us. I think Jeff may
have been the therapist to finally get through to you.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. I kinda miss Jeff. He ‘got’ me, you know?
I have a new appointment with some dude called Jacob Reeves next week and I’d
be lying if I said I was looking forward to it. It feels like starting from
scratch all over again. Then again, Jeff said he’s a friend who takes the same
‘relaxed’ approach as he does. Jeff says relaxed, I say fucking crazy.

“How long’s he got?” Jared asked, getting straight to the
point.

“With treatment, ten months-ish.”

“Holy fuck.”

“Poor boy.”

“And is he having treatment?” Jared questioned before
blowing out a heavy breath.

“Yeah. Starts chemo on Friday. I’m fucking gutted. He’s done
so much for me when all I deserved from him was a punch in the face.”

“I don’t know what to say, mate.”

“Would it make me a selfish bastard if I said I don’t
want
you to say anything? I just want to
talk about something else for a couple of hours.”

“That doesn’t make you selfish, honey. You need a break.
That’s understandable.” I smiled gratefully. “Drink?” she added, flipping her
gaze between me and Jared.

“I’d offer you a beer,” I interjected. “But she doesn’t keep
them in the house, what with me being a raging addict and all.”

“No problem. I can’t drink anyway right now.”

I swear, if I’d been eating or drinking I would’ve choked to
death.

“You’re shitting me right? Is this because Snickers can’t
drink with the babies and you’re trying to be one of these ‘new men’ –
otherwise known as pussy-whipped morons?”

“Who are you trying to kid? You are
so
one of those pussy-whipped morons. If Em said jump you’d say how
high.” Yeah… I
am
one of those guys
aren’t I? “But no. I’ve been diagnosed with epilepsy. Can’t drink while they
mess around with my meds to see which one suits best.”

“How the hell did that happen out of the blue like that?”

“It wasn’t out of the blue,” he admitted, sighing heavily.
“I’d been having these seizures for years. I just wasn’t man enough to get them
checked out until I ended up almost killing myself while you were in the
States.”

“Holy fuck.” Sinking further into my chair, I sat back and
listened intently to Jared’s life story.

**********

Fucking hell. While I was busy shooting shit into my veins
and generally being a selfish bastard, the world was falling apart. First my
mom died, then Jared had a seizure at the wheel and almost died, and Chris got
a brain tumor and
will
die. Seriously
when are we going to get a break? A new start?

I
might not deserve a happy
ever after but my friends and family sure as shit do.

I had it all planned when we came back to the UK. I was
going to work my way through my ‘New Life’ list, help Emily make her way
through hers too… I’ve not even shown Emily the list yet but I’m guessing it’s
something she couldn’t care less about right now.

“…so after she told the delivery guy to go fuck himself, the
florist wouldn’t deliver for me again,” Jared rambled, snatching me from my
untimely musings. We’d finished our chili and Aunt Sarah’s homemade garlic
bread, and he was telling me how he would send Snickers a rose petal for every
day they’d been together. But then they had a huge argument and she sent the
flower guy packing.

“I suppose it was a stupid idea really. I mean how many
petals would I need to get for our fiftieth anniversary? And I’d be so old I
probably wouldn’t even remember. So now she gets a kiss every day instead. I
mean… I kiss her anyway, but one is dedicated to our new day of being
together.”

“You might wanna put your hands down your pants, man.”

“Huh?”

“You need to check and see if your dick’s still there.
‘cause for a second I could’ve sworn you’d turned into a chick.”

“Very funny, arsehole.”

“We should head back. Check on the girls,” I suggested once
Aunt Sarah came back in the room after cleaning the dishes. I offered to help,
but I didn’t hesitate to accept her reply when she told me to stay put and
relax. Jared agreed and after a goodbye hug and a yawn from Aunt Sarah, we
began making our way back to Chris’.

“Thanks, man,” I uttered to Jared as we approached the
terraced house. The last few hours had involved some lightheartedness –
some ‘normality’… and now I was going home, I knew the severity of our new
situation was going to punch me in the fucking face.

“For?” he asked quizzically.

“I dunno,” I shrugged. “Being a friend I guess.”

“Now whose dick is shriveling, huh?”

“Jackass.”

“Seriously, stop flirting with me. I think I’m getting a
semi.”

That right there, is typical Jared. He has no filter and
takes everything one step too far. I’d never tell him as much, but I wouldn’t
want him to be any other way.

“Too far, dude.
Way
too
far,” I said, laughing softly as we made our way to the front door. Then, as
soon as my hand touched the handle, all traces of humor evaporated from my
body.