Never Tied Down (The Never Duet #2) (20 page)

   Riot, of course, was loved by all.  Tilly nearly fainted when he walked in the house, Susan blushed as she introduced herself to him, but Patrick and Porter just shook his hand, offered him a beer, and then invited him to watch football in the living room with them and Richard.

   I tried my best to help with the meal prep, but lucky for me, being the person who lived farthest away and saw her the least often, I got put on Mattie patrol, so I spent a good portion of the day playing with the sweetest and most adorable little girl ever.

   “I think her cheeks have grown to twice their previous size since I saw her last,” I said, making faces at Mattie as she tried to fist my hair and shove it in her mouth.

   “It’s not only her cheeks.  The chub is everywhere,” Ella said, chopping something on the other side of the kitchen.

   “You guys are going to give her a complex.  She’s perfect,” Megan added.

   “When are you going to have a baby?” I asked with a smile, knowing she would glare at me.

   “That’s what I would like to know,” Susan said from where her head was buried in the refrigerator. It was then that Megan sent me the glare I was waiting for.

   “I’ve told you all this before; Patrick and I are in no hurry to have kids.  We have a perfect niece we can spoil whenever we want, then her return to her parents and go home to sleep all night.  We’re just starting our careers.  We’ve got plenty of time.”

   “She’s right, you know,” Ella chimed in, coming to Megan’s defense.  “Porter and I already had our careers all figured out before we got pregnant.  I can’t imagine trying to do this at Megan’s age.  Give her a little while to figure life out.”

   “Are you and Riot going to get married?”  This came from Megan and then she stuck her tongue out at me.  I laughed while rolling my eyes.

   “Now, that’s something I can get behind,” Susan said, emerging from behind the door of the fridge, eyebrows reaching for the sky, dreamy smile on her face.

   “Yes,” Tilly agreed, expertly hand-mashing some potatoes.  “Or you could just use him for his body until you get bored.”

   At that, Ella, Megan, and I exchanged surprised glances until we all busted up laughing at the same time.

   It was hours later, and Ella and Porter had walked her parents to their car, Tilly had left a few minutes before, and the rest of us were all sitting in the living room.

   “We could watch a movie,” Megan suggested.

   “I think if we sit on this couch any longer, I’m going to fall asleep, babe,” Patrick said, running his hand up and down Megan’s thigh.  “It was damn good turkey.”

   “Well, I’d say we could go for a walk on the beach, but Mattie’s asleep and besides, it’s cold as crap out there,” Ella said, locking the door behind her.  “I know,” she said, rushing to a closet right off the dining room.  “We could play a game, and drink!”

   Ella obviously needed a reason to drink.

   “That sounds fun,” I offered.  Riot reached his arm behind me, resting it on my shoulders, and I leaned into him.  We were both sitting on Porter’s large couch, our feet up on his coffee table which he insisted “was made for feet.”  Everything about their house was gorgeous, comfortable, and handmade if possible, like his coffee table.

   “Hey, give me some sugar,” Riot whispered in my ear.  I turned to look at him, smirking at his request. 

   “You want some sugar?” I asked.  “What are you? Fifty? Who says that?”

   He grinned.  “I say it.  You gonna give it to me or not?”  He curled his arm, bringing my face closer to his.

   “I’ll give it to you when you ask like a normal person.”  He kept pulling me closer and closer until our mouths were just barely touching, but I was resisting, a smile still playing on my face.

   “Fucking kiss me, Kalli,” he growled.

   “See?” I said, running my hand through his soft hair, and using only the tip of my tongue to trace his bottom lip.  “That’s all I needed.”  He then trapped my tongue by capturing my mouth with his.  I was well aware of the fact that we weren’t alone in the room, but I couldn’t stop myself from enjoying him taking the kiss from me.  He asked for it, wanted me to give it to him, but in the end he ended up taking it, which was more his style.

   “You guys better hurry up with the game.  Kalli and Riot are going to have sex on your coffee table soon.”

   “The table was made for feet, not sex,” Porter said, coming back into the room after checking on Mattie. 

   Riot pulled away, but not far, his breath panting across my face.  “That was some good sugar, sugar.”  I couldn’t help but smile.

   “Okay, teenagers,” Ella called out, obviously referring to us.  “The only game we have that six people can play is Monopoly.”

   “I love Monopoly,” Megan cried, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her shoot up off the couch, Patrick following, albeit slower.

   I, on the other hand, froze in place, my hand still in Riot’s hair, his face just inches from mine.  He must have felt it because his hands went from being wrapped around my body to framing my face.

   “Just breathe, Kal,” he whispered.

   I couldn’t.  My lungs were like blocks of ice in my chest, frozen and unyielding, even for the air they were starting to burn for.  My hands were shaking, my throat closing, and my vision was blurring.

   “Kal, look at me,” he said, a little more urgently.

   “Is she okay?”  Someone asked from behind me, their voice laced with concern.  I tried to focus on Riot, but felt my eyelids fluttering closed.

   “Kal, damn it, breathe for me.  In deep and out slow, okay?”

   I looked in his eyes, the only thing I could focus on, and tried to take in a breath.  It dragged in, as if I were pulling in air through water, as though I were drowning on dry land.

   “That’s good, baby, now out.”

   I pushed it out, concentrating on his face.

   “In, again.”  He turned and I wanted to yell at him to turn back to me, to not abandon me in the middle of it, and I heard him yelling, “Get me a glass of water.”

   Finally his face returned to my vision and he said, “Deep, baby.  Get in as much as you can.  Good,” he said as I tried to do as he was asking.  “Now push it out slow.”  Slow wasn’t a problem, the air was coming in through water, but I was pushing it out through sand.

   He continued to remind me to breathe for a few minutes, which seemed like years, until I could breathe easier, until I didn’t feel like I was on the very edge of death, about to topple into its depths.  When I was breathing on my own, head resting against the back of the couch, brow sweating, I heard Ella’s voice.

   “Should we call someone?  Take her somewhere?”

   “She’s okay,” I heard Riot answer, then felt his lips on my forehead as he gave me a quick kiss.  “She just needs a minute.”  His hand was at my face then, thumb sweeping over my cheek.  “Baby, I need you to open your eyes and take a sip of this water.”

   I did as he asked, but when my eyes opened they found his and never moved from them.

   “Was that a bad one?” he asked, but I could tell he already knew the answer.  I nodded.

   “Is she having an asthma attack?” Patrick asked, and I could hear the genuine concern in his voice.  I wanted to curl into a ball and go to sleep.  I wanted to simply disappear.

   “Panic attack,” Riot answered for me.  I was grateful he was taking control, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about all my friends knowing my weakness.

   “Does this happen often?” That question came from Ella and she sounded like she was near tears.

   “I’m not really sure.  She has triggers.  This is the second one I’ve seen her have this month.”

   “Oh, God.”  That was Ella again, but her voice was muffled.  I couldn’t see her, but I imagined her hand over her mouth.  I wanted to cry.

   “Just give us a minute,” Riot said to everyone, but then his face was in front of mine again.  “I’m gonna pick you up and take you in the bathroom, okay?”

   I nodded and felt his arm slip under my knees while the other came to my back.  I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his chest as he carried me through the house and up the stairs to our room.  He continued into the bathroom and gently set me down on the counter.  I gripped the edge, trying to keep my balance as he let me go.  His hands came to my shoulders and he leaned down so I could see him. 

   “You okay?”

   “Yeah,” I managed.

   He stood up and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, bringing me into him, gently rubbing his hands up and down my back.  I wasn’t having a hard time breathing anymore, but my throat still felt raw and my heart was still pounding.  I let his hands soothe me and we stayed that way in that bathroom for a while.

   Eventually he pulled away and found a washcloth.  I watched as he ran the faucet, wet the washcloth, came to me and wiped it gently over my forehead and cheeks.  I let him take care of me, let him help, mostly because I knew he needed it, but partly because I needed it too.  My eyes stayed on his face, but he was concentrating on making sure I was cool and dry.

   “You’re flushed,” he said softly.  “Are you sure it’s over?”

   I shrugged.  “I think so.  I’m feeling a little better.  Just tired now and my throat is dry.”

   “Do you want to go to bed?  I could go get you some more water.”

   I thought about his question, and bed seemed like a good place to be at that moment.  The idea of slipping into our plush, comfortable bed, wrapping myself up in the fluffy comforter and Riot’s arms seemed like the smartest step I could make.  But then I thought about Ella’s voice, how she and Megan sounded so concerned, and I didn’t want to disappear.  I didn’t really want to face them, to talk to them about what I’d just been through, but I cared too much about them to let them come to their own conclusions.  I shook my head at him and he nodded, touching his lips to my forehead again.

   After a few minutes, when I’d felt more like myself, I took in another deep breath and then pushed it out slowly.

   “I think I have to go back out there.”

   “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” he said, protective Riot making an appearance.

   “I know,” I said, bringing my hand up to cup his cheek, “but I do want to.  I want to go back out there and show them that I’m okay.  And I want to try and play Monopoly like a normal person.”

   “If you start to feel stressed out at all, or like you’re going to panic again, I want you to tell me, and we’ll come back in here.  Promise?”

   “I promise.”

   He held my gaze for a moment longer, but then backed away and helped me hop down from the counter.

   When I came back into the kitchen both Ella and Megan stood up straighter and both their men flanked their sides.  I felt Riot at my side as well, and then he laced his fingers through mine.

   “I’m sorry about that.”  I took in a deep breath then pushed it out.  “Ever since Marcus passed, sometimes when someone says his name, or brings him up, or something that reminds me of him, it makes me panic.  It usually happens when I least expect it, and the only thing I can do is ride it out, try to keep breathing through it.  I’m really sorry if I scared you, but I’m okay.”

   “How can we help?”  Ella asked immediately.

   “Forget it happened?” I replied, giving a weak laugh.  She wasn’t amused.

   “Seriously, Kalli.”

   I shrugged.  “There’s really nothing to do.  Riot reminds me to breathe, breathes with me, sometimes he counts.  But besides that, try not to tiptoe around me.  The only way it gets easier is to get through it. So don’t treat me any differently.”

   “Riot said you have triggers,” Megan said.

   “Yeah,” I nodded.  “Marcus and I played Monopoly almost every night.”  I felt Riot’s lips on the top of my head, and I’d never needed a kiss more than I needed that one.

   “Oh, Kalli,” Ella whispered, her hand coming to cover her mouth as Porter turned her into his arms.

   “We didn’t know,” Megan whispered, Patrick wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

   “No, I know, and this is what I didn’t want,” I said, tears starting to form in my eyes, stinging and burning.  “I don’t want you guys to feel like I’m fragile, because I’m not.  I can handle all this, I can handle the panic and the sadness and the emptiness, because I know it’s only a fraction of my life.  Yes, I miss Marcus, and no, nothing will ever replace him, and sometimes the loss of him overcomes me, but I’m okay.”

   My friends seemed stunned by my declaration, but I didn’t want to be the poor emotional friend.  I needed them to look at me like they had before his death, before they saw me crumble.

   “So, I need a shot of vodka and I call the thimble.”

   It took a little while for my friends to relax after I’d basically yelled at them that I was emotionally stable.  But the shots Porter and Patrick brought to the table helped immensely.  We all gathered around their big kitchen table and began playing Monopoly.  I wanted to make it through the game, or at least last as long as everyone else, without having a breakdown.  And surprisingly, actually playing the game didn’t send me into a spiral of depression or anxiety.

   On my first roll of the dice, when I’d landed on the railroad, it was almost as if Marcus had rolled the dice for me, leading me to my old comfortable routine.  Whenever I used to play with him I’d buy all the railroads, never trying to buy properties.  I recognized that strategy for what it was.  It was the same way I’d coped with life: never put down roots, have a soft spot to land wherever I went, but heaven forbid I invest in anyone else, or myself for that matter.  So, when I landed on the railroad, I made the decision not to buy it.  No one really noticed how big of a decision it was for me, but I knew.  It was symbolic of how my life had changed in the last few months, how it was a representation of how my life had changed since Riot came into it.

   Later, when I bankrupted everyone with my purchase of Boardwalk and Park Place, as I watched all of my friends and the love of my life slowly lose all their money and curse my name, I realized I’d been playing the game all wrong my whole life.