Authors: Julie Blair
“I don’t know,” Jamie yelled. “I can take care of myself.” She yanked her hand away from Carla and the towel unraveled.
“Obviously you can’t.” Carla grabbed Jamie’s hand, wrapped it, and held it up between them.
“What are you doing here?” Jamie’s voice was sharp with accusation.
“I came looking for you. I was worried sick when you didn’t come back or return my calls.”
“You came looking for me?” Jamie stared at her, her head tilted, a puzzled look on her face.
“That’s what friends do for each other.” Their eyes met. Was she imagining the instant of longing in them before Jamie looked away?
“You didn’t need to do that.”
“When I hurt my back, didn’t you scold me for not calling you for help?” Carla didn’t know whether to scream or cry. Why was she trying to comfort someone who didn’t want her to?
“That’s not the—”
“Why do you make it so hard? Everyone from Penni to your staff tries to help you, and you ignore all of us.”
“I can take care of myself.”
“Really?” Carla was so angry she could barely control herself. “You’re working yourself to death. You barely let your accountant or attorney help with the embezzlement. I had to help you behind your back, for God’s sake. And it wasn’t even your fault.”
Jamie looked like she’d been slapped. “But it’s still my responsibility…” Jamie’s brows pulled together, as if she was trying to figure something out.
“Responsibility isn’t all there is to life, Jamie. Happiness matters, too. Your happiness, not your father’s. Your dreams, not his.”
Jamie’s mouth opened but nothing came out. She’d never looked so broken. Without thinking, Carla gathered her into her arms.
“No,” Jamie whispered, her body stiffening. “I can’t.”
“You can’t what? Let me hold you because you’re hurt and upset and I care about you?” She rubbed Jamie’s back, trying to relax her.
“I need you,” Jamie whispered.
“I need you, too.” Carla met Jamie’s eyes. They held fear and desire in a hopeless standoff.
With a strangled cry Jamie wrenched away from Carla and stood, steadying herself against the coffee table before stumbling to her desk and collapsing into her chair.
“What, Jamie? You think I’m going to kiss you again? I won’t put you in an awkward position. I promised you that in the card.” Tears filled Carla’s eyes as she sat down in the chair across from Jamie. The woman she loved and she couldn’t help her. “Hold your hand up.”
Jamie bent over and picked something up from the floor. When she straightened, she was holding the crumpled yellow envelope.
“You didn’t even read it. I tried so hard to get the wording just right.” Shaking her head Carla pushed herself out of the chair as she brushed tears from her cheeks. “Come on. Let’s get that hand looked at.” She was nearly to the door when her phone rang. Pulling it from her pocket she stepped into the hallway as she answered it. “I’m sorry, Mike…Yes, I’m all right…I’m at Jamie’s office…”
*
Jamie was vaguely aware Carla was talking to Mike as she anchored the envelope with her right elbow and slid her left index finger under the flap. She pulled out the card and read it. Her stomach fluttered. Carla was taking the blame for the kiss, apologizing, promising it would never happen again, pleading for their friendship to continue. The memory of the kiss circled her and she let it. Her heart lifted. It might have been wrong, but everything about it had felt right.
The pieces of her life fell into place in a new arrangement. Carla came looking for her. It was Carla who’d helped her figure out what Marjorie had done, Carla who’d gotten the insurance companies to help, Carla who’d redecorated her office, Carla who’d encouraged her to play softball. Carla who’d known it was personal, and comforted her. She took a deep breath as if finding something beautiful that she’d lost. Her heart tripped over itself as feelings tucked away for twenty years demanded their freedom. She trembled as the truth broke through. She was in love with Carla.
“All right. I’ll call you later. And Mike? Thanks.”
“Is it true?” Jamie asked, as Carla walked back into the office. She looked exhausted and sad. Jamie’s heart stuttered. She’d hurt her, and that was the last thing she wanted to do.
“Every word. I won’t put you in an awkward position again and—”
“No. The part about you love me.”
“How can you not know that?”
“Carla—”
“It’s all right, Jamie. Like the card says, your friendship means everything to me. I can’t lose you again. I’ll leave the clinic if—”
“No. I don’t want you to.” Jamie’s voice crackled with panic. She met Carla’s gaze and fell into those eyes. Kindness. “I want you to stay.” Jamie shook her head. That wasn’t what she’d meant to say. There was more. Carla nodded, but the sadness still clouded her eyes. Jamie’s heart broke and love seeped through the cracks, too strong to be denied. Why couldn’t she say what she’d waited twenty years to say?
“I’m glad. Now let’s get you to the ER.”
Jamie crossed to Carla in rapid strides. Her hand was throbbing but so was her heart. She was breathing hard, desire consuming her with each step. Something in Carla’s…everything…her voice with its soft cadence that invited disclosure…her soft curves that offered enclosure…her warm gaze that spoke of understanding…undid Jamie. She meant to hug her but at the last second…
She captured Carla’s mouth in a searing kiss. Her feelings took free rein and she moaned as desire obliterated everything else. She tangled her uninjured hand in the soft hair and held Carla to her as she drove her tongue deeper into the warmth—stroking, probing, seeking, withdrawing to nip at Carla’s lower lip, before pressing back into the warmth. She slid her hand down to Carla’s breast. She wanted more. Carla’s fingers wrapped around her arm, stopping her. Reality broke through.
“I’m sorry.” Jamie backed up until she hit the desk, her breathing uneven as desire battled with responsibility. She knew what she felt, but acting on it was wrong. She cradled her injured hand against her stomach and tried to find the right answer.
“There’s nothing to apologize for. Intense emotions sometimes get crossed. You’ve been through a lot today.”
“I’m no better than him.” Her mind spit out the words but her heart ached for Carla.
“You’re nothing like him,” Carla said, forcefully.
Jamie couldn’t take her eyes from Carla, from the understanding that was always there.
“Please,” Carla said, her voice softening as she moved toward Jamie. “Keep your father’s behavior where it belongs. You’ll never know the why, Jamie. Don’t compare yourself to him. Don’t turn judgment back on yourself because he’s not here to hold accountable.”
“What he did was wrong, Carla.”
“I’m not excusing it, but I understand about feelings overruling responsibility.”
“That night.” That night that meant so much to her had come at a price for Carla.
Carla nodded.
“But you did the responsible thing by going home to Mike.”
“I did the responsible thing by my parents’ standards, society’s standards. I wasn’t brave enough to do what I knew in my heart was right for me. I spent twenty years being responsible to the wrong dream. Not a bad dream. Just not the dream I wanted.” Carla’s smile was heartbreaking. “It took me too long to realize that sometimes you have to step outside of being responsible to find what makes you happy.”
“You and Mike.”
Carla nodded again. “I don’t know anyone who tries harder to do the right thing or to put other people first. But you’re so hard on yourself. It breaks my heart to see you so bound to responsibility for everything but your own happiness. I don’t like your father much. He gave the illusion of putting other people first, but he didn’t. He was about taking and you’re about giving. Let him go, Jamie. Don’t let him drag you under. Live your own life.”
Jamie absorbed what Carla was saying. Live your own life. Follow your dreams. Isn’t that what her mom had told her so many times? And Penni—two women she loved and trusted? She’d never heard that advice from her father or from Sheryl. She took a deep breath as her life shifted into something that finally made sense. “Can we sit here for a few minutes? I think you’re right about my hand, but I need to…be with you…for a bit. Please don’t be mad at me.” She was afraid to look at Carla. Afraid of what she’d see in those beautiful amber eyes.
“Like I said in the card, things are complicated between us—the surprise of meeting again, leftover feelings.” Carla’s voice was like a soothing caress. “Aren’t we just trying to make that transition from lovers to friends? We’ll get through it.”
Jamie knew in her heart she wanted more than friendship, but she needed to do it right. She didn’t want to be like her father, but she also couldn’t be responsible to the wrong dreams any more. For tonight a friend was exactly what she needed. Jamie smiled as she stepped toward Carla. Cradling her hand, she rested her cheek against Carla’s shoulder. As long as she had this shoulder to lean on she could make it through anything. “How do you always know the right thing to say?”
“Maybe because I know you.” Carla wrapped her arms around Jamie. “Do you know what I thought about you that night in Atlanta?”
“That I was hot and sexy?” Carla laughed, and the sound fed the lonely places in Jamie.
“Besides that. I thought you were one of the kindest people I’d ever met.” She smiled when Jamie looked at her. “Yep. Your mom would be proud of how you’ve lived your life.”
Tears stung Jamie’s eyes, and exhaustion was catching up to her. She kissed Carla on the cheek and stepped back. Now that she knew what she wanted she’d make it happen. “Will you go with me to the ER?”
“I’ll go anywhere with you. After all, how much riskier can it get than a Melissa Etheridge concert and a lesbian bar?”
“You probably thought I knew how to show a girl a good time back then.”
Carla wrapped Jamie’s hand in hers. “I don’t think a trip to the ER on a Monday night can top that night.”
“I’m glad you came looking for me.” Carla’s arm came around her waist and she relaxed into the support that would get her through this.
*
“I’m following you home,” Carla said as they pulled into the clinic parking lot.
“Carla, I’m—”
“Exhausted. I’m following you.”
The drive home was tense. What if Sheryl was there? What if she came out to greet Jamie? At least her hand was all right—some stitches but no damage to muscles or nerves. She collapsed against the steering wheel with relief when she saw the dark house. Another disaster was more than she could bear. She walked to Carla’s car and squatted down by the opened window. “Good night.”
“Is your partner home?”
“Yes.” Jamie lied because it was easier than the truth.
“Well, tell her to take good care of you. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Jamie watched until her taillights disappeared around the corner. She missed her already. Tomorrow morning was a long time to wait to see the woman she loved.
Jamie made it into sweats before collapsing into bed. She tried to stay awake. She needed to talk to Sheryl. How was she going to explain that she was in love with someone else, that she wanted out of their relationship? Her eyes closed and she was asleep in seconds.
Jamie sat bolt upright and looked at the clock. 3:23. She knew. Maybe if she hadn’t been wondering about her father’s absences, working late all the time, meetings and seminars on too many weekends, maybe if she hadn’t been chastising herself for missing the clues to his cheating, she would have continued to ignore the signs. Marching to the guest room she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Sheryl squeezed her eyes shut against the bright light. “What are you doing?”
“How long, Sheryl?”
“How long what? It’s the middle of the night, Jamie.” Sheryl sat up. “What happened to your hand?”
“The cheating. How long have I missed the clues?”
“What—”
“I guess I know why you think cheating isn’t a big deal. Who is it? One of those women you go to brunch with? Someone who can help you get promoted?”
Sheryl blanched and then her face turned angry.
“Never mind.” Jamie laughed. It didn’t matter. This was the night to claim her freedom, from a father she no longer respected, from a partner she no longer loved. She walked out.
“It’s a him and it doesn’t mean anything.”
Jamie turned around and stared at Sheryl. “You…with a guy? You cheated on me with a guy?”
“It didn’t mean anything. I was upset, and you were all wrapped up in that business problem.” Sheryl’s voice was a furious screech. “He comforted me…it just happened, Jamie.”
Jamie stared at the woman she thought she’d spend the rest of her life with. Her perfect hair was in a swirl at the top of her head. Lines around her eyes weren’t covered by makeup. She hated that damn perfume.
“What are you doing?” Sheryl’s voice became frantic as she followed Jamie to the bedroom.
“Leaving.” Jamie dressed in the clothes she’d had on and tossed stuff into an overnight bag. “You should be thrilled. Now you can have all the space you want.”
“Jamie…don’t be childish. Relationships go through hard times.”
“I’m not in love with you any more.”
“No one’s in love after ten years.”
“Oh, yes they are, Sheryl.” Jamie opened a drawer and lifted out her mother’s jewelry box. Carla’s note had been in the bottom of it for twenty years. She wasn’t leaving without it. Tucking it in the inside pocket of her jacket, she grabbed her bags and marched out, a smile spreading up her cheeks. The worst day of her life had just become the best day of her life.
She meant to go to a hotel but found herself on Carla’s street. Parking in front she stared at the house. Melissa was singing a ballad, and she let the song take her back, swaying as she remembered dancing with Carla in her arms. If she knocked on the door, Carla would welcome her into her home, into her bed, into her life. There was nowhere she’d rather be. She started her car and circled the block for one more look before driving to the hotel. She’d waited twenty years. She could wait a little longer.
“Phew. I forgot what a pain moving is.” Penni plopped herself on the couch and took a long swig from the Corona. “But it got me out of an afternoon of housecleaning and entitles us to gorge on the classic post-move dinner of pizza and beer.” They both swooped for the cardboard box on the coffee table, bumping elbows to grab the first piece.