Authors: Jennifer Loren
“If that’s what you want, I’ll go.” I nod before he can say another word while trying to reassure myself and him with my stiff posture. “Then I will go, so you can get on with your life … with your new man.” He leans in tight to my ear. “I’m sure he will be more than happy to fuck you the way you like. I know I enjoyed myself,” he breathed harshly.
“Get out!” I spin around directing him to the door, only to come face-to-face with him, seeing his pain and feeling mine. “Get out. Go home Sean.” My legs giving on me once again, I grip the nearby chair and try to hold myself together as he storms off grabbing his bags, cursing under his breath the whole way.
R
andy waits outside at the car as I stand by the window hiding behind the drapery, glancing out when I think no one is looking until Sean comes storming up the walk. I move away quickly, raising my chin and forcing my conviction to the surface when he rushes through the door. “Last chance, sweetheart. You still want to end it this way?” I nod softly, glancing at the walls around him. “Just remember you’re the one that did this.” I close my eyes hard only to be shaken back by Sean’s hands on my face suddenly. His lips crash to mine, “you’re upset, I get that. I don’t want to leave you but please understand I am doing this for you. Call me when you calm down and want to talk.”
“No. You’re doing this for yourself. You are doing this - so
you
don’t have to answer uncomfortable questions. So you can have me, without having to deal with all the issues that come from being with me.” His warm eyes quickly change as I confront him with the truth. “I can handle Spencer, I have handled him, and I … will continue to handle him for the rest of my life – without you.”
With a snarled lip he steps away from me, shaking his head. “By the way, Justin can’t possibly satisfy you like I do.” He said glaring at me as he approaches the door, tossing an autograph picture of himself on my sofa. “For your scrapbook.”
I have to do this. I have to. It’s for the best.
Gritting my teeth and fisting the back of the chair, I watch him walk out the door. “Sean!” I yelled, surprising myself even more so, than him. He takes a step back in, waiting for me to respond with eager curiosity. “I’m … I am … I really wish you the best and I always will … think of you fondly.”
Sean nods with an exasperated exhale, “you as well Ava,” he said slamming the door shut, jerking my heart out of my chest and smashing it to the ground.
“
A
re you going to be okay?” I give Randy a half nod while staring out my window still dazed. “Do you want me to stay here with you?” Shaking my head I still feel numb. “Are you sure because ....”
“Go. Please. Go,” I said waiting for the door to close before making myself a drink, my first, but over the next few days it will not be my last. My days have turned into weeks as my silent phone becomes a haunting reminder.
I hate her. I wish I had never met her.
“Fucking Bitch!” Throwing my glass against the wall, I watch it crash into pieces while the alcohol rains down, hypnotizing me into my chair and letting the deadness take me over.
“Sean!” My mother continues screaming through my house until finding me, drowning my issues. “What are you doing? Drinking? Give me that.” Taking my drink from my hand, she grips my face hard. “I can’t believe my son is sitting here, in the dark, hiding from life. Sean!”
“What Mother!”
“Get yourself together!”
“What do you want?”
“I want to know what happened with you and Ava.”
“She doesn’t want me anymore?”
“I don’t believe it. What did you say to her?” Twisting my head away from her grip, I manage to get up and stumble back to my bar. “You must have said something.”
It has to be my fault, obviously.
“You need to go to her and tell her how you feel, that you made a mistake and you are sorry?”
“She turned
me
away mother or did you forget that?”
“You have made a mistake letting her go. This decision is going to haunt you, mark my words.”
“Go away mother.” I close my eyes tight and luckily when I open them again, she is already on her way out the door. As much as I hate fighting with her, I know she is right about one thing, I need to get up and stop hiding. Ava would have called by now if she was going to.
Over the next few days I try to get back into a routine. Ignoring the numerous reminders of Ava that haunts me throughout my own home. It all seems to work until an alarm I had set for her birthday goes off, causing me to crash all over again. The pain overwhelms me right to bed, into dreams of her.
Always of her. It is maddening but
yet
I would go crazy without them.
“Sean! Sean where are you?” Ethan yelled.
“I’m up here,” I said roughly and unsure if I really know where I am.
“Damn you look like shit.”
“Thanks.”
“Get up and take a look at this. Here are some possible projects for you, I thought maybe it might get your mind off of things.”
“Ethan,” I said pushing the papers away from me. “I need to know she is okay at least. Can you make sure of that, without her knowing?”
“I can do what I can but I won’t invade her private life for you.”
“That’s all I want.” Taking the papers and rubbing my eyes to focus, I know my brother is watching my every move as if I am a wounded child. If he only knew, he would understand a little more than what he is at this moment. I can still remember when I found the beautiful necklace with the antique locket. I had put a picture of us from when she was here within it, scaled to fit perfectly. I did not get the chance to give it to her before I left Atlanta. It sat for days staring at me. I must have picked it up a hundred times at least, threw it in the trash almost as many but eventually that damn alarm went off. Yesterday, I had it wrapped in a velvet box and sent it to her with her favorite flowers. The note attached was simple, no more than,
Happy Birthday - Sean
. I am not sure she will ever open it or even accept it but maybe if she sees it … she will forgive me.
A chilling breeze blows through my windows, blowing the papers around my room until one floats down in front of me. I pick it up and read the description before handing it back to Ethan.
“This one,” I say to Ethan. “This is the one I want.”
“Sean this is a secondary roll, it’s not even the roll they are offering. You should read the rest of the script, read the roll I am suggesting before you decide.” Ethan narrows his eyes at me, confused by my decision.
“It’s the one I want Ethan.”
“You don’t even get the girl, you lose the girl to the leading man.”
“Perfect,” I said walking away ignoring his judging eyes.
I
t does not take long before the contracts are signed and the time comes to pack my bags and head off to the location in Ireland. The countryside is beautiful here, giving me some hope that I can drown my memories. The movie is taking months longer due to weather, script changes and other complications and of course, I’m miserable. The first chance I get for some extended free time, I take it. After hours of seeing the usual sights and using the known roads, I take a detour and get lost deep into the country for hours. I come upon an old cottage overlooking a lake, surrounded by lots of lush land and mountains. The empty old stone home is being over taken by wild flowers and deep green ivy but still, I am speechless.
“Can I help you sir?” A voice said coming out of nowhere.
I turn, seeing an old man struggling his way towards me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to trespass but when I saw this beautiful place I had to stop.”
He nods with a shining smile. “Yes, it is a special place,” he said gazing over it with obvious fond memories.
“Would you happen to know how old the place is and maybe some of the history?” I asked, relaxing as the old man smiles happily.
“Oh yes, I was here when this place was built. The couple that built it lived here for many, many wonderful years. “Tá mo chroí istigh ionat” they always said to each other.” Leaning into me he whispers again, “tá mo chroí istigh ionat”. They shared one heart and it was only able to beat when they were together.” The old man looks up at my curious expression. “Come, come see,” he said waving me to follow him. I walk with him to a rock within the overgrown wild flowers, where he pulls back some of the growth to reveal the names Finn and Nora with the words, “tá mo chroí istigh ionat” underneath.
“What does it mean?”
“My Heart is Within You.” He said with certainty of the words meaning.
“That’s an interesting story.”
“Oh the story is much more interesting. You see Nora’s father was strong, powerful man and abusive. He did not like to be disobeyed. When her father found out about them, he made a deal and traded her for more land. She was shipped away overnight. Finn assumed her to be gone forever, promised to another man.” The old man shakes his head with a groan. “Horrible time. Finn searched for her for some time before finally giving up. Assuming she had moved on, he traveled from place to place trying to run away from the memories of her, never worked, of course.” He pauses grimacing a smile. “If he had only known that,
the stubborn mule
had jumped out of her transport and had been searching for her way back to him.” He chuckles with an exasperated sigh. “It was on a cold, rainy day when while they both were trying to take refuge from the rain, found each other and at once
their heart
beat again. Never looking back they escaped from her father to here.” He waves his hand over the place.
“That’s some story,” I said raising my eyebrows.
“Ahhh it is, but it is the truth. You can deny love but you can’t deny your heart.” I give him a respectful smile before sighing at the sight of the old place. “You have such a love?” He asked, although it seems as if he was making a statement. Not that it matters, I do not have an answer for him. “Hmmm, well you will find her again Sean, and then your heart will beat once again.”
I turn to say something to him but as quickly as he appeared, he is gone. I stand in place for some time trying to recall when I told him my name. My strange encounter with the old man sends chills up my spine, forcing me to go straight back and to bed for some obviously much needed sleep.
After a few more days, filming begins to pick up again and so does my energy, so much so that I have even taken notice of a British actress that has made a point to flirt innocently whenever she can. Her sweet approach always makes me smile.
“Sean,” Nicole said cocking her head with a provocative gaze.
“How are you today, Nicole?”
“Better now but I could be even better if you have dinner with me tonight?” Most men would have agreed without question to the beautiful blond but I hesitate.
There is nothing more I can do about Ava, it has been months and she has yet to even respond to my gift. She has obviously moved on and so should I. “What time?” I asked. My inner turmoil continues for the rest of the day into the night but I still pick up Nicole and we have dinner at a place she recommends. The dinner is wonderful and the conversation is decent. She is charming, beautiful, and eager for us to be alone. At the end of the night, I take her by the hand and escort her to her door hoping for more than a kiss. I am sure she wants the same but I am not sure if I am able to overcome the voice in my head.
She leans in close to me. “So do you want to come in?”
Leaning against her doorframe and staring into her smiling eyes, I stop myself again. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” Huffing she dismisses my indecision and presses her lips against mine.
Taking hold of her aggressive hands, I gently pull away from her. “Good night, Nicole,” I said walking away. By the time we finish shooting, Nicole begins speaking to me again but yet I still board my flight home leaving her number behind in my hotel room.
T
here is not much to do when I get home from filming. I try to keep myself busy and distracted but I am becoming anxious and wanting to get laid more than ever
. It should be easy
, I thought, walking into an old hangout and drinking immediately to work up the courage needed. Within minutes my ex, Courtney approaches, which should not be a surprise since we did meet here.
“Sean, I haven’t seen you here in a long time.”
Looking over her slutty outfit, I immediately have to fight my temptation to run.
I need this. I just need to get her to my house before she talks too much and annoys me into changing my mind.
“Courtney, you look good,” I said forcing a smile and focusing on the goal.
“I know,” she smiled appreciatively. “So, you here alone?” I nod silently. “Are you going home alone?”
I take another drink nodding, “unless you want to change that.” She melts into agreement. I call my driver and hurry her to the car. As soon as I shut the car door she leaps on top of me, grinding down hard and barely giving me a chance to breathe, while I repeat to myself,
I need this.
Once we get to my house, I push her up the stairs to my room, we kiss and grab at each other the whole way. I am pulling Courtney’s clothes off as she kisses my neck, pulling off my shirt, watching her take her underwear off, while I strip down to nothing. I kiss her and she kisses me back, rubbing the back of my head and positioning her legs around me. My dick is hard as hell and in position when she begins kissing along my jaw line, “ohhh Ava.”
Unfuckingbelievable!
“Who did you call me?” She asked pushing me off her. I shake my head. “Sean?”
“Give me a minute,” I snapped while walking to the bathroom.
Unbelievable.
I am
not doing anything I haven’t done before her. Why is it so hard now?
Splashing some water in my face, I continue to argue with myself.