New Year (8 page)

She’d accepted? News to me. For a moment, I thought maybe I’d had some sort of
complete memory blackout or else misunderstood her answer when I’d popped the question. But no. Anna was frowning at her mom. This wasn’t about me at all. It was about making some sort of point in their ongoing battle.

Anna
took my hand, which was resting on the tabletop, and held it. “Well, since you brought it up, Mom. Yes, Jason
has
asked me to marry him, and I’ve accepted.”

Nice one, Anna. A flare of anger and hurt flickered through me. This was not the sort of “yes” I wanted to receive. Not like this. Not as a
fuck you
to her folks. Was that the only reason I was even here? A wrong-side-of-the-tracks guy brought home to throw in her parents’ faces?

Following Anna’s announcement, a murmur of congratulations went around the table. Cousin Chloe and Woolly seemed sincere. Talkative Aunt
Patty asked if we had a date in mind. Her silent husband offered a small smile. As for Anna’s parents, her mom seemed to be biting back the things she really wanted to say, while Stan gave me a long, level stare I wasn’t sure how to interpret.

Anna’s hand
around mine was too tight and too hot. I pulled away from her grip.

“Excuse me. I need to”—
get the hell out of here
—“be excused.” I pushed back my chair a little too hard as I stood, and it nearly fell over. Woody reached out to catch it.

Of course my hip chose that moment to lock up
, and I had to grab the edge of the table to steady myself. Smooth.

Anna frowned up at me. “Are you all right? Can I help you?”

“No,” I snapped, feeling my jaw clench like a fist. I took a breath and managed a tense smile. “I’m great. Just need to…” For a moment, I could only think of the crude phrase “take a piss,” then more formal words popped into my mind. “Use the facilities.”

I got my balance, ordered my leg to obey, and limped out of the dining room
with as much dignity and calm as I could muster. But I knew Anna knew I was pissed. We’d been together long enough to read each other’s moods. I knew she’d probably come after me in a few seconds, and right then, I didn’t want her to.

Was this what it was always going to be like with us
, one step forward and two steps back, never quite in sync? We might love each other, but was that going to be enough? Given the differences in our lives, Anna and I could easily have never come in contact with each other. The fact that we
had
was either a fluke or a miracle, depending on how you viewed it. For me, it was definitely a wonderful miracle, but I was starting to wonder if deep down Anna truly accepted me with all my limitations. I doubted whether she loved me half as much as I did her.

After using the guest bathroom, I paused for a moment, listening to the voices floating from the dining room. No way was I ready to return to that. I headed toward the bedroom, clinging to the bannister as I made my awkward way upstairs.
In the hallway, the sound of giggling kids and a barking dog stopped me.

I went to the bedroom Gulliver and Haynes were using and tried to open the door, but it was locked. I tapped with my knuckles
and called, “Guys, what’s up?”

The
mutter of voices stopped, but the barking continued, and the sound of scratching came from the other side of the door.

“Have you got
the dog in there? Open up.” I tried to sound as if I expected to be obeyed but was sort of surprised when it worked.

The door opened
, and Baby rushed into the hall, barking and leaping up against my legs. I crouched awkwardly and tried to pick her up, but she slipped through my hands and ran toward the stairs, probably heading toward Anna’s voice. If I were a little faster, I might have intercepted her, but now she was Anna’s problem.

Haynes stood in front of me, his eyes big and round. Gulliver came up behind him, skulking
like he had after nailing his brother with a snowball that morning.

“You know Baby’s not supposed to be in the house,” I said sternly as I grasped the door frame and
hauled myself upright. Then I caught a glimpse of the room behind them. “Oh hell.”

In the brief time the dog had been in the bedroom, she’d managed to chew up a pillow
or two. Stuffing had settled in small white drifts around the room.

“What happene
d here?” I asked. “Pillow fight?”

“We were just messing around, but she wouldn’t let go. She wanted to play tug-o-war
. We couldn’t stop her.” Gulliver folded his arms and scowled, making me want to pop the little brat.

“With your aunt’s pillow and what else?” I walked into the room, searching for
any other items Baby might have destroyed. I snapped my fingers at Gulliver. “Go catch the dog. Now!”

He met my gaze for a second
, then did as he was told. I heard his footsteps on the stairs, followed by distant exclamations of surprise. Baby must have erupted into the dining room.

I noticed the dog had also chewed a hole in the spread covering the bed. More stuffing oozed out of the tear.
“Well, shit,” I muttered.

Haynes lurked nearby. His eyes were shiny
, and his bottom lip quivered. At least he reacted like a kid who knew he’d been naughty and deserved punishment.

“Why don’t you help me clean up?” I said as I picked up the pillow.

He nodded and started collecting fluff from the floor. “She pee-peed too.” Haynes pointed to a small stain on the ornamental rug that covered most of the hardwood floor.

“Great. Of course she did.” Right then I wasn’t loving our dog.

Anna’s dog. Not really mine any more than the apartment was. Of course, I’d always known the power balance between us was weighted in Anna’s favor. She had more to sacrifice by being involved with me. I had everything to gain by being with her. I’d learned to accept it and not feel too weird about it. But just then I was really wondering if our relationship was strong enough to overcome that difference. In the long run, would Anna start to resent me?

Glum thoughts clouded my mind as I straightened the room
and discovered a chewed corner of the rug as well. No wonder Jackie hated the idea of pets in her house. I was tired, sore, annoyed with Baby, and upset with Anna. At the best of times, I had some trouble controlling my emotions, so it was no surprise I sort of snapped when Anna came into the room.

“
I put Baby in her crate,” she said. “How bad is it? Gulliver said she made a mess.”

“A little chewing. A little peeing. You’ll want to get some spot remover for the carpet.”
I plunked the damaged pillow back on the bed and threw the wad of stuffing into a wastebasket. “I’ll go take the dog for a walk.” I started to stride past Anna.

S
he put out a hand to stop me. “You were just out there for over an hour. She’ll be okay.”

“I
want
to walk the dog. I need to get out of here for a while.” I felt a tic flutter under my left eye and realized I was just barely hanging on to my temper.

“Wait. Are you
mad? I’m sorry about how that came out at dinner. I was talking to my mom earlier, and it just slipped out. I know I should have spoken with you first. It was a weird, wrong way for me to accept your proposal.”

I shrugged off her hand on my arm. “Do you even want to
get engaged, or was it in the heat of the moment? I don’t want to be some tool you use to get back at your mom for whatever issues you have with her.”

“No
! It’s not like that. Jason…” She tried to take my hand, but I pulled away again.

“
You told your mom, and what did she say? That you’re making the biggest mistake of your life?” The head of steam driving my anger was rising. I needed to breathe some fresh air before I blew a gasket. “I can’t talk about this right now. I need to take a walk. Just let me go. And don’t worry. I won’t get lost this time.”

I hurried down the hall and the stairs
, half expecting Anna to come after me.

But she did as I asked and let me go.

Chapter Seven

Anna

As I watched
Jason march stiffly away from me, a weight constricted my chest until I could hardly breathe. I’d screwed up, and I’d hurt him. The bitter memory of how much I’d ached for him when he vanished from my life last time broke over me. I wouldn’t lose him again because of some stupid misunderstanding.

I longed to rush after him and continue to try to explain myself
.  But I’d been around Jason long enough to recognize when he wanted to be alone to pull himself together. Right now, he needed space, and I had to clean Baby’s urine from my mom’s carpet. Later we’d talk and sort everything out.

Haynes was still standing there, hands full of fluff, staring at me. “Sorry,” he said in a tiny voice. “We just wanted to play with
Baby.”

I smiled at him. “I know, honey. Why don’t you go down and see your mom
? I think she wants to talk to you.” I took the stuffing from him, and he slowly made his way toward the door as if about to face a firing squad.

“Haynes, I don’t think you’re in
too
much trouble,” I said.

He gave me a little smile before scuttling out
of the room.

I
went downstairs to get cleaning supplies from the laundry and, in passing, heard Chloe reading the riot act to her two little scamps. I wasn’t a big fan of misbehaving kids but had to admit Haynes was kind of cute. Besides, smuggling a dog into the house was exactly the sort of thing I would have done as a kid. In fact, one time I had. I’d brought home a stray dog I knew my mom wouldn’t let me keep and managed to keep it hidden for part of a day before she discovered it.

I returned to the guest bedroom with
the rags and laundry spray to find my mother sitting on the edge of the bed, piecing together the chewed spot in the quilt.

“I’m so sorry, Mom. I’ll pay for anything Baby ruined and have this carpet cleaned professionally if you’d like.”

She waved a hand, dismissing my offer. “It’s not your fault. Anyway, I purposely put an old spread on this bed because I know how little boys can ruin things. As for the carpet, a little spot cleaning should be fine.”

As I spritzed and scrubbed at the yellow stain on the rug, she came over to join me.

“Remember that little scruffy dog you brought home that one time?” She laughed.

“Yeah, I was just thinking of him. Or her. I never checked to see which. I was so mad when you got rid of her.”

“I remember. Ten years old and you were stubborn enough not to talk to me for almost two weeks.” She sat cross-legged nearby me. “You always knew exactly what you wanted and went for it.”

“I guess.” I stopped scrubbing and looked up at her. “Except, I was never really sure if I wanted to practice law
, or if I just did it because it was expected.”

Mom
clicked her tongue. “I don’t buy that. Not for a second. You wouldn’t have worked so hard and done so well if you didn’t want it.”

“Maybe
.” I had to agree, since I’d come to accept I really was a good fit for my job and enjoyed it.

“You were always that way, even as a baby,” she went on. “Completely focused and furious at me if I stopped you from having what you wanted—like that dog. I would have liked to allow you to have a pet, but I knew I’d be the one taking it to the vet and cleaning up after it, and I had enough trouble making space in my work schedule to spend at least a little time with you.”

“I would’ve done
everything
for that dog. You didn’t even give me a chance to prove it.” Anger from the past flared to burn in me once again. I swallowed it down. Stupid to fight about something that had happened so long ago. Why did I continue to let these incidents from the past rise up and piss me off all over again?

“Well, maybe you’re right.” Mom shocked me with her mild tone. “And maybe I was too controlling. It’s easy to see all my mistakes in hindsight.” She ran her hand over the nap of the carpet and sighed. “Easy to continue making the same mistakes too. I’m sorry I said negative things about your relationship with Jason. It’s
your
relationship, and it’s not my business. It certainly wasn’t my place to bring up your engagement in front of everyone before you were ready to announce it. I apologize.”

I froze with my finger on the trigger of the spray bottle. I couldn’t have been more shocked if
she’d offered to pay for the wedding and have it at her house. Was this some sort of reverse psychology? Was she trying to thwart my desire to be with Jason by conceding to it?

And then, like some biblical miracle, a blinding light of clarity exploded in my
brain. It didn’t
matter
. Whether she was being sincere or manipulating me really didn’t matter. I’d told myself hundreds of times that I should stop caring what my parents thought, that I should be an adult at last and only worry about doing what I thought was right for me. Yet I’d never truly felt it. Not deep down where it counted.