Night Shifts Black (17 page)

There’s no light
coming from under the closed door as I approach, so I’m skeptical. This room can’t
possibly be occupied, but I’m out of options and push through into the darkness
anyway.

I nearly scream at the
dark figure in the corner.

My heart pounds as I
freeze, hand still on the door, terrified of the shadowed ghost. I force air
into my lungs. It’s only Luke. It has to be Luke. The dim light from the hall
illuminates the figure enough that I can see the head turn toward me. I can
also see that it’s sitting on a chair.

“Luke?” I whisper. I
turn on the light, and he squints against the bright blast. He doesn’t speak,
and after a brief glance in my direction, returns to staring at the floor.

I move into the office
and close the door behind me. I don’t know what to do, what to say, to draw him
out of his nightmare, so I just do what I always do when I lose him, follow
him. I pull out the desk chair and move it to the wall so I can sit near him.

And that’s what I do.
Sit.

For a long time I do
nothing, staring at the floor, the ceiling, the wall. Every now and then
casting a glance at Luke, but he’s never here with me. He’s forgotten about me
already. The fancy clock on the wall with four different time zones ticks, no,
hammers, each second into the stifling air around us. I hate time right now, how
unpredictable and inconsistent it can be.

The carpet on the floor
is softer here than in the other rooms, and I guess it’s because this one isn’t
used as often. The padding probably isn’t as worn. I like the way my foot
squishes into it and leaves a clear impression. I make four identical ones in a
row, and lean back to admire my design.

“What are you doing?”

I jump, startled by Luke’s
voice after the long silence.

“Making a footprint
ladder.”

“You can’t do that
somewhere else?”

“You’re not somewhere
else.”

He quiets, and I allow
myself to look at him again.

“You shouldn’t be
here.”

“Why not?”

“I told you why. I
hurt people…” He shakes his head. “No, I break people.”

“Ok. Well, I was
already broken long before I met you, so we’re good.”

 
His gaze shoots to mine, and I stare
back. He’s wrong if he thinks he has a monopoly on pain and an aimless
existence.

“You don’t know,
Callie. You don’t.”

I lean my head back and
stare at the opposite wall.

“I know more than you
think. I know that Elena was an amazing person who killed herself, and that it
was probably your fault because you treated her like crap.”

I let my words settle
for a moment before turning my head toward him to gauge how much I’d hurt him.
He has tears in his eyes, but I’m not sure if they’re new or not. He closes
them and becomes perfectly still.

“Except here’s the
thing, Luke, it takes a lot more than someone being a jerk to you to make you kill
yourself. You’re giving yourself too much credit. You’re not important enough
to do that. She was sick. You may have been the trigger, but only on a gun that
was already loaded.”

He shakes his head
slowly, eyes clenched, tears slipping down his cheeks.

“You don’t understand,
Callie,” he whispers.

“Ok, so explain it to
me. I’m done with this ‘no personal stuff’ bullshit. Explain to me how you
picked up a gun and shot your wife in cold blood, because unless that’s what
happened, you don’t belong in this prison anymore.”

He shakes his head
again, and I can’t take it anymore. I grab his hands and jerk him awake.

“Stop! You have to
stop this! You did your time! You paid for it! Now, it’s time to be the person
she loved, not the person she hated.”

I search his eyes,
refusing to let him retreat this time. Refusing to let him escape to that place
where everyone is happy to abandon him. His hands start to shake in mine, I can
feel the trembling, and his eyes fill again. The mounting tension burns through
me as I watch the armor melt away from his face.

The tears become sobs,
and soon he’s in my arms, completely shattering before my eyes. He falls to the
floor in a crumpled heap, and I pull him tightly against me. I hold on as his
body shakes, stroking his hair, resting my head on his. I can feel my own heart
aching at the horrific pain exploding into the small room that doesn’t seem
able to contain it. I can’t hear the clock anymore. Time must have stopped.

But I hold on anyway,
absorbing what I can, accepting what I can’t, and just letting him shatter. We
will sort through what’s left when it’s over, but for now everything needs to
break apart. I know the place where he’s trapped himself, and I know it’s not
real but will imprison you forever if you let it. It’s that damn mirror from my
poem. There’s no escape from it until it disappears.

“I killed her,” he
sobs, pounding the floor. “I…”

I pull him tighter as
he continues to melt into the carpet. I said what needed to be said. There are
no more words for this. None that I know anyway.

So we wait, melded
together, transported to a place where there is no time. No rules. No
expectations. Just Luke and I, slowly dissolving into something else, something
we don’t understand yet, and can’t begin to define.

He killed her. Maybe.
But only in the same way he’s now killing himself. Turning lies into truth.
Allowing the mirror to reflect that new distorted truth and giving it the power
to shine through every thread, every second, of his existence. It’s a prison of
the worst kind since it only shows one captor, one executioner, one victim, one
criminal. One blighted life that’s infecting the rest of us. Luke. Just Luke.

It showed me once.
Sometimes, on the really bad days, it still does, and I’d almost guarantee it
showed Elena before she decided she couldn’t look anymore. It’s that damn
mirror, devouring souls with its lies, and I realize at that moment why I’m
here. I know what I am to him, what I have to do. I’m not here to be his
girlfriend, or his nurse, or his counselor, or even his friend. I’m a hammer,
and I’m not leaving until that damn mirror is destroyed.

I’m not sure how much
time passes like that. I can hear the distant door clatter and know Casey has
returned from his errand. I’m disappointed in a way, almost fearful, as the
sound forces us back from our exclusive universe. I’m not sure if my job is
done, but there’s Time again, mocking us by ending this round.

“You should go,” Luke
whispers, but I just kiss his head and hold on.

“I’m not leaving.”

“But Casey…”

“Understands a lot
more than you think.” I force his head up, and suck in my breath when our eyes
finally connect us again in reality. “He was a friend to you when you didn’t
deserve one. That’s who Casey is.”

Luke nods and pulls
away. Leaning against the side of the desk, he rests his head on his knees.

“You have no idea,” he
breathes. “Please, Callie. I’m ok now. I’ll be ok. I just need a few minutes.”

I study him carefully,
evaluating his mind, his heart, his soul like Casey had done with his body the
night before. I want to believe him. I’ve hit hard with my first major strike,
and decide it can be enough for now.

“I’ll be right
outside. If you’re not out with us for dinner in ten minutes I’m coming back.”

He doesn’t respond
other than to wrap his arms around his legs, and I finally let him go.

“I love you, Luke. And
you know the kind I mean. The kind that won’t be defined and won’t go away.”

He glances up and
settles his gaze on me. I touch his cheek briefly before leaving him to his
broken glass.

∞∞∞

“You ok?” Casey asks when I join him in the
kitchenette. “Wait, did you just come out of the office?”

He stares down the
hall, obviously confused.

“Long story. What’d
you find?”

Casey grins, and it’s
exactly what I need at the moment. I swear that smile could do anything. I
wonder if he even knows the dangerous weapon he has.

“Burgers. But not just
any burger. Here, try this.”

I’m expecting tin foil
wrapped mounds to come out of the fancy bag, but instead they’re extravagant
boxes of some kind. Probably high-end organic, recycled cardboard originally
harvested from sustainable seaweed beds or something. That makes no sense.
Whatever. It was a difficult morning. There’s a simple logo on top, which is
how I know this burger is more expensive than anything I’ve ever eaten.

I almost cringe at the
thought.

“You’re not going to
laugh at me again because I’ve never tasted a burger that costs more than a
pair of socks, are you?”

“A bit sensitive, I
see,” he snickers.

“Well, sorry, but you
seem to take pleasure in exposing me to all the forbidden fruit of rock star
living.”

Casey chuckles and
shakes his head. “Now, you’re just being dramatic.”

“Am I? First the
champagne, now the fancy burgers.”

“I’m from a family of
twelve. Trust me, I do not need to eat like this to survive.” He shrugs. “I
don’t know. I just thought…I wanted you to try something you otherwise
wouldn’t. I thought you’d like it.”

Touched on so many
levels, I’m not sure how to respond at first. I don’t understand how he can
keep surprising me, but his timing is impeccable. I cover the distance between
us, and he stills as I wrap my arms around him.

I can feel him
laughing to himself in surprise. “What’s this?”

“Nothing,” I murmur, resting
my head against his chest. His own arms tighten around me as he sighs.

“Will Luke be joining
us?” he asks quietly, knowingly. I keep forgetting how intuitive he is.

“I’m not sure. Maybe.”
I pull back so I can see his face. “Something happened while you were out. I…I
don’t know what yet, but something. It may be what we’ve been waiting for.”

He brushes some stray
strands of hair from my face, and I think about the burgers resting two feet
away. So stupid, but so important that I can feel the tears burning again.
After everything, after what I just endured with Luke, it feels so good to have
someone taking care of me for once, caring about me. Knowing that they want to
be part of my world and follow me into my nightmares to battle my demons. Casey
hasn’t said as much, and maybe he never will. Maybe he will leave in a couple
days to return to his other life and forget all about me, but right now, right
at this moment, he is significant. He’s exactly what I need, whether conscious
or not, and I’m grateful.

“Thank you,” I
whisper, and he kisses me.

This time, I’m ready
for it and let myself melt into him. I let myself get lost, starting to think
maybe I can heal, too. Maybe there’s hope for me somehow in this whole
whirlwind of desperation and compassion. He tastes so good, so pure, which
makes no sense given what he is, but I start to get it now. What he is, is not
who he is. What Luke is, is not who he is. What I am, is not who I am. None of
us are. It’s the rest of the world that tells us what we are, regardless of who
we are. Strip it away and we just are. Luke, Casey, me. We’re not different,
we’re just burdened by different expectations.

“Wow,” he says as we
finally pull away. “Now, that’s a proper thank you. You could have just gotten
me a beer.”

I laugh and hit him,
loving his playful return grin.

“Yeah, well, these
burgers better be worth it.”

∞∞∞

Casey sees him first with the better vantage
point, and I’m grateful he chooses to go with his easy smile as a greeting.

He shoves the third
box toward the empty seat beside me at the island, and Luke pulls out the
stool.

“Adaline’s?” Luke
asks, his own lips cracking into the slightest of smiles.

“Thought we could all
use a dose of heaven after our night of Hell.”

Luke doesn’t respond,
but I can tell he agrees.

“Callie, here, is a
convert already.”

“How can I not be?” I
mutter through a mouthful of perfectly grilled brioche, arugula, beef, and a
bunch of other stuff I never would have thought to put on a burger because I
didn’t know it existed and/or was edible.

“We should take her to
49
^th
& Finch.”

Casey’s eyes light up
at the thought. “We totally should. Oh man, they have the best bar food.”

“Bar food?” I ask,
skeptically. “So basically you guys just upgraded the same stuff you ate when
you first started out as a garage band ten years ago.”

Casey grins.
“Basically. Although to be fair, we still eat that stuff, too.”

I laugh. “And you’re
not 500 pounds, why? Because I’m pretty sure I would be.”

Casey shrugs. “I don’t
know, good question. Stress?”