Authors: Amanda Heath
August 12
th
2004
Today was the first day of school. I was so excited this morning, but shortly after arriving I lost all excitement and become upset. You see I had the hugest crush on Chance Duncan, and he totally blew it today. I honestly never want to see him again. Ever. He called me names that really hurt my feelings. He made me feel really ugly. I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror when I got home today. I sat down on my bed and cried my eyes out. Mom came in and wanted to know what was wrong but I couldn’t tell her. She wouldn’t understand. Mom has always been pretty. Plus Chance’s mom is her best friend and she would think that I was lying. But I’m not. He said I was a “zitface”. He said I was too ugly to walk on this planet. No one talked to me today. All the friends I had last year ignored me when I tried to start a conversation. I want to die.
August 13
th
2004
I was hoping that yesterday was a dream, that none of it really happened. I should have known better. He was waiting in front of the school like he was yesterday. But the words out of his mouth today were worse. He said that no one would want to talk to an ugly girl like me. He told me to stop staring at him because he wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole. He says I need to take better care of myself or I wouldn’t look like this. Which isn’t true. I bathe every day and use the soap my mom gave me to wash my face day and night. She even took me to the doctor who gave me special cream that is supposed to help. But it doesn’t. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to ever go to school again.
The entries go on for days with the same stuff. Everything bad I ever said to her. Every action I took to make her feel bad about herself. All because I felt bad about myself. It’s not an
excuse though. I should be killed for the kind of pain I put her through. Then one entry has me holding back tears.
May 15
th
2005
Today was the last day of school. I didn’t want to get up this morning. I never want to get up in the morning. I have thought about ending it all. Just so the pain will go away and I won’t hurt like this anymore. I feel so worthless and ugly. I’m a hideous monster who should be dead. Chance laughed at me a lot today. Made fun of my face and my clothes. Like he does every day, but today was a little different. Today I wanted to fight back. I wanted to punch him in the face or kick him in the shin. I didn’t though. I did look him right in the eye when he made fun of me. He seemed to be taken back by it, but I don’t care. Maybe if he sees the hurt in my eyes he’ll stop. Maybe.
I had no idea she wanted to kill herself. What kind of person does that make me? God I’m so horrible. I can’t close my eyes now without seeing her at 12 years old and looking me straight in the eye. It was the first time she ever had. The next year she showed up at school with black hair, the clothes, the glasses, and the makeup. The pimples were gone but the lasting affect wasn’t.
September 12
th
2005
First day of school again. It was way better than last year. When I saw Chance Duncan in front of the doors he ignored me. Not one thing was said to me by anyone but a teacher all day. No jokes, no insults. It was freeing. I have become invisible. And I freaking love it.
I skip the rest of the entries until I come to the day where we kissed while I was sober. It makes my heart stop and I think I might faint
March 8
th
2010
After the drunk kiss last night, I kissed him again today. I wanted to see if he would have the same affect sober. He did. I won’t lie and say it wasn’t hot, because it was fucking hot. I will say that I have him in the palm of my hand. He ran out of the house so fast it was comical. He is really affected by me. This is good, so good. I could make him fall in love with me. I could make him mine and crush him. Ruin his life the way he ruined mine. And I will do it, you just wait and see.
A folded piece of paper falls out of the back as I tip the diary to far forward. It has my name written in her hand writing. I’m almost too afraid to read what it says. But I know though, what it says. She is going to ruin my life with this little piece of paper. I honestly don’t know if I can take it after reading that last entry. I understand what I did was awful but it was 5 years ago. I was a child. I have changed.
Dear Chance,
I’m sorry to have to do this with a letter. The look on your face would have been priceless. I honestly wish I was there to see it. Alas my ride is leaving and I have to go. I’ll say what I have to say and let you be on your way. Last night was disgusting and I hope you never do that to another girl. It took everything in me not to puke while we had sex. Hell every time you ever
kissed me. Touched me. You make my blood boil and not in the good way. I left you the diary so you could get the picture of why I did this. You can read everything you did to me. Though in the end, I’m the one who won, aren’t I? I made you fall in love with the ugliest girl alive. That is what you said once upon a time right? Well I don’t nor will I ever love you Chance. I hope this letter breaks your heart into a million pieces. I hope it shows you what kind of person you are. Goodbye.
Norma
With this letter she left me bare.
She left me broken.
She left me so in love.
All I wanted was her.
All she wanted was revenge.
Chapter 7
3 months later
Norma
I packed up all my stuff and Rydstorm as fast as I could that day and loaded it up in my car. I knew from Chance’s text messages he was going to come looking for me at the house sooner or later. I should have confronted him but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t
bare to watch him lie to me. So I moved in with my dad for the summer.
I hate to admit I spent most of the first month crying and re-reading the messages he sent me. He called every day for the first few weeks, but with no response he stopped. No messages, no calls, nothing. I want to say that it doesn’t hurt, but it does. Bad.
My dad didn’t know what to do with me. I can’t say that I blame him. He spends his time up here alone and come on, he is a man. What does he know about distraught teenage girls? Not a damn thing. Which is fine, that’s the reason I moved up here. I wanted to be alone, I didn’t want to be around anyone at all. I think I’m worse off then I was before. And that is saying something.
Today is move in day at OBU. They have a policy that all unmarried freshman have to live on campus. Which means I have to live in a dorm, with another girl. Joy…not. At least this place is all about the proper way. No co-ed dorms. I won’t have to worry about living around the opposite sex. Something I could have only hoped for.
Dad offered to come with me, but I didn’t need him. When have I ever really needed him? He hasn’t been around for most of my life so what’s the point? Mom wanted to come see me settled but I told her no. She has to work tonight and she wouldn’t get any sleep.
To say I’m scared is an understatement. I get so nervous having to do new things. This is the biggest newest thing I have ever done. My whole body trembles when I pull up outside my dorm. The entire campus is made up of brick buildings. Some of them really old and some of them very new. There is a bridge that goes over a deep crevice that connects the two sides of campus. This place is freaking huge and intimidating. I hope someone has a map.
I walk into the building with one of my suit cases and a bag hanging off my arm. I have a key in my pocket that was sent to me in the mail. I finally find the room I’m in, on the third floor. I slip my bag off my arm and the key into the lock and push the door open.
My roommate is setting out books on a desk and turns to look at me. She has long blonde hair and sparkling green eyes. Very pretty cheerleader type. Well until she opens her mouth. “Who the hell named you Norma Jean? You look like a Lexi or an Elvira. Jesus was your mom smoking crack?” she places her hands on her hips and sends me a glare.
“My family has this thing with naming everyone after famous people. My mom is Elizabeth after Taylor, my aunt is Grace after Kelly and my cousin is Marley after Bob. I’m Norma Jean after Marilyn Monroe. You’re Regina right?” I set my bag down on the empty bed and take in the white wash walls that kind of hurt my eyes.
“Regina yeah. Well I’ll just called you Norma if that is okay. Sticking the Jean on kind of makes me think of a country girl with daisy dukes.” She turns back to what she was doing before I walked into the room.
“That’s what big foot said.” I whisper under my breath. She doesn’t hear me, though I didn’t want her too.
*****
Regina has this get up and go attitude and after unpacking her stuff she wants to go explore campus. Our dorm is called France’s Crawford and it only houses freshman girls. Apparently the building across from us holds a Chick-fa-la which sounds promising. Off to the right side there is a view of a park down a steep cliff. The back drop being the Ouachita River, which the school is named after. Off to the left is another dorm and after that you have to walk around to see anything.
There is a fountain in the middle of this courtyard which is on the other side of the building across from our dorm. The building turns out to be several building connected together making a U around the courtyard. The fountain has several flag poles with flags from all over the world.
We stumble upon a gold tiger statue with its mouth open in a growl. The school mascot is a tiger so I guess that’s why it’s sitting out here. It’s really old but pretty. We head towards the cafeteria which is the biggest one I have ever seen. Downstairs is a Starbucks and a conference center. Upstairs is the cafeteria for staff and students and the outer wall is all windows. I spot the bridge again which connects to more dorms on the other side.
We end up entering a building called McClellan Hall which is quite small compared to the others around this place. When walking into it the smell is pleasant. Really clean and lemony. There is this another statue of a dudes head. Underneath on a plaque it reads “Dr. McClellan” so I assume this building is named after him. You see the statue on the right but the left will take your breath away. There is a huge circle cut into the ceiling and it highlights the floor which is circles and circles of brick.
There is a small museum with things from Dr. McClellan’s life. All behind glass but the place is just big enough for a few people to fit inside. I try the doors but they are locked. “Can’t go in there. Only on special occasions.” comes a woman’s voice behind me. I turn to see a short tan woman with long black hair and hazel eyes. I think of Chance but I quickly push that out of my head. “Freshman I assume?”
“Yes, ma’am. I was just wandering around campus with my roommate but I’m thinking I lost her somewhere.” I smile nervously in case I’m not supposed to be in here.
“It happens. The campus is huge and there are tons to look at. I’m Deborah. I clean this building from floor to roof every day.” She reaches out her hand and I politely shake it.
“Norma.” I tell her. “This is really beautiful. I kind of want to spin around in the light.” I laugh softly at myself for admitting that.
“Oh no need to be embarrassed. My daughter used to do the same thing when I brought her to work with me. I wish she had gone here. She knew this whole campus like the back of her hand.” She shakes her head and smiles to herself.
“Where did she go?” I ask curious. My dad told me the employees children can go for free here, who wouldn’t jump on that?
“She said college wasn’t for her. She’s married now with a little girl. Stubborn girl that one.” She turns to walk away. “It was nice talking to you Norma. You remind me of my daughter a lot. If you take psychology, sociology or education I’ll be seeing a lot of you.” She waves before heading down a bright hallway.
“There you are!” Regina says as she walks out the other hallway. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere! Don’t wander off anymore, you’re going to get lost in this massive place.” She walks right up to me and loops her arm with mine and pulls me along.
“You’re the one who took off. Besides this building was calling to me, I had to see what it wanted.” I stumble a little as I try to keep up with Regina.
*****
It took me three and a half weeks before I ran into him. He walked into the bar Regina had dragged me to. He wasn’t my big foot, but he was still gorgeous. I didn’t know what to do with myself when he asked me to dance. I finally said yes after a while and with heavy pushing from Regina.
We danced for what seemed like forever. I got lost in his eyes but he still wasn’t my Chance but maybe he didn’t have to be. It was one night of dancing and then I could go back to the mourning of a love that wasn’t returned.