Authors: Amanda Heath
Well that’s what I thought anyway. He pursued me for months. Six to be exact. I kept turning him down. He played it off as nothing but I could see the hurt in his eyes every time I did. He wasn’t what my heart wanted and I didn’t know what to do.
I finally broke down and said yes to dinner and a movie. Though I should have skipped the movie, since it was too close to my first date with Chance. He goes to Henderson which is right across the street from OBU. Our schools are rivals but I don’t think it stopped him from going after me or should I say what he wants?
After the first couple of months of dating him, I finally figured out I didn’t think of Chance so much. He wasn’t what I woke up thinking about. He wasn’t what I saw when I went to sleep at night. I just hoped he was doing good up in Fayetteville. I know that’s not what I should be thinking. He hurt me and I should move on but as time goes on I find that I can’t move on. He will always be a part of me. Which is scary as hell.
Regina and I have become best friends, which is scary itself since I haven’t ever really had friends. She takes me shopping and I dropped all the black clothes and she even talked me into going back to my natural hair color. I no longer have black hair and it’s almost a relief. You wouldn’t recognize me walking down the street. Regina also helped me with my self-esteem. I can hold my head up high and say I’m beautiful, and actually feel it. But only when I’m not in front of a mirror.
Some of my classes have me in McClellan so I see Deborah all the time. She has become like a second mother to me. She even makes me lunch sometimes and we sit in one of the unused classrooms on the first floor and eat. She tells me about her daughter and I tell her about my mom. Sometimes I tell her about Chance. If only to get some of it off my chest.
I guess I realized I had a great love for Chance, something I never thought I would have for him. I don’t want to ever forget that feeling honestly. It was pure and it was real. Maybe one day I will have it again. Maybe.
Chance
To say that my summer sucked is an understatement. Norma was just gone. Her mother refused to tell me where she was, where she is. Apparently she had known she was going to college the whole time we were together. Another thing she lied about. It’s safe to say that she broke me. I doubt I will ever be the same.
I drank most of those three months away. They are a blur of alcohol and sex. Yes I said sex. I had lots of it, just because I could. They were all Norma though. Every last one of them was her looking up at me while I thrust into her. It was a sick way to get off, I even admit that, but what can I do? My body finally knew what sex felt like, it wanted it all the time.
Creed was one happy camper seeing as I was playing the field with him finally. I really only wanted to be numb and forget everything that happened the last months of my senior year. Forget the girl who ripped my heart out of my chest. I guess it was only fair since I destroyed her life once upon a time.
I’m a sick fucking bastard. I know and I’m starting to realize a lot of other people know it. My mom will hardly look me in the eyes anymore. This being only after she got a hold of Norma’s diary, and her letter. I honestly don’t know who she was madder at first. The shrew or me.
Though I had a few bright spots in the darkness. Macy of course. Though every time I really went to spend time with her, I heard Norma singing in my head. I also saw her holding the little girl and my heart broke all over again.
Then my sister showed back up in our lives. Apparently she was on my Facebook page and I had no idea. The woman has known me my whole life and probably hacked into my account and added herself. To say we were surprised doesn’t even begin to cover it. She definitely looked so much better than the last time I laid eyes on her.
She has the same color auburn hair I do. Her eyes are also hazel but they are harder
and have seen more shit than I ever want too. She had been in rehab for the past six months. Turns out dad had paid for it and mom knew. They didn’t see the need to tell me. I couldn’t be mad at them because I had my older sister back. She used to be my best friend when we were younger, I truly missed her.
It took Macy only a week to start calling her mom. Cassie burst into happy tears and
I have to admit I might have shed one or two. It took so much pressure off of my mom, Cassie coming back. It also means I don’t have to worry about anything up at Fayetteville. I’m excited to leave this place behind. Of course I’ll miss my family, but I won’t miss the memories. Though that doesn’t make a lick of sense. I carry every single one of those memories engraved on my brain. I think she will always be there. Always haunting me with her violet eyes and heart shaped lips. Things I won’t ever get to see again, won’t ever get to touch again.
“
Yo little bro, let’s go!” Cassie yells from the front door.
I pick my last bag up off the floor and take one last look around my room. My eyes go straight to the bed where I spent that first night with Norma. My heart clenches and I turn towards the door fighting back the injustice of it all.
“Coming!” I yell back at her. I hear Macy giggling as I step off the last step and I smile. I’m gonna miss that laugh, those eyes, that hair, but mostly just her.
“Bout time, I thought you might have changed
yo damn mind!” Cassie chuckles holding Macy on her hip. She looks good, actually being a mother. I know one day she will have to explain why she wasn’t around the first year of Macy’s life, but at least she got herself turned around before it was too late.
“Nope.” I kiss Macy’s cheek as I walk past them and out the door. Mom insisted on going with me, so of course Cassie and Macy had to tag along. Though I nearly drop my shit when I see my dad standing outside with my mom. “What?” I kind of mumble.
“He decided he needed to be a good dad today. What a fucking joke.” Cassie rolls her eyes before putting on a fake smile and striding towards him and mom.
I sigh and head towards my truck to throw in my bag. After that I head back over to my dad and almost cringe as he pulls out his hand to shake mine. “Proud of you son. Going to a good college, gonna make something of yourself.” He nods the whole time he says this like he wants to believe it but can
’t. Whatever I don’t have time for this.
“Thanks.” I put my hand in his and pull it right back out. I always see him having sex with Mary Beth on my parent’s bed when I touch him. It literally makes me want to puke. It’s no wonder I waited to have sex, after seeing this ugly old man going at it, it’s enough to make anyone not horny forever.
“You go up there and do us proud boy.” He steps closer to me and I flinch hearing his grunts in my mind. “Don’t be chasing tail, either. You get a degree then you can work on finding a good wife.”
“Yeah dad.” I tell him hop
ping from one foot to the other, impatient. I want to get as far away from him as I can.
“Now that Norma is out of the picture, you don’t have anything keeping you back. Proud of you boy. Don’t need a girl like that around anyway. She will only bring you down.” My head whips to look at his face so fast I think I pulled a muscle in my neck.
I clench my fist until my knuckles are white. I unclench trying to release my anger. “Excuse me?” I ask very softly. “Do you have something to say about Norma?”
He looks a little nervous which I admit makes me feel good inside. So he is intimidated by my size? He knows I can take him down. He will find out that I won’t let him talk shit about anyone but me. “I just meant she wasn’t good enough for you. She left you behind didn’t she? You have no idea where she even is. Seems she got it out of her head she was good enough for you.”
I hate to admit that I lost it. It’s not often that I do lose it. All I can say is a red haze takes over my vision and my fists start swinging. I think I got him on his left cheek before Macy’s crying breaks through my haze. I turn towards her and see her hiding her face in Cassie’s chest. I step closer and Cassie takes a step back, a look of pure terror in her face. I can’t even think about that. “It’s okay baby girl.” I soothe. “It was a long time coming, I’m done now. Why don’t you come to me? Hmm?” she peeks up at me with tears shining in her eyes and I hate that she saw that. But I won’t take it back for anything. “As for you dad, keep your mouth shut about Norma. I don’t deserve Norma. She is far above me. Something I won’t ever reach. Unlike you who should have been put down a long time ago.” I huff and stalk towards my mom’s car.
They are all looking at me funny and I have to raise an eyebrow at them. Cassie is the only one who speaks up. “I think that is the most I have heard you say at one time since you were twelve.” She blinks like she doesn’t understand what she just said. I stop to think about it and realize that she is right. After I caught dad, and tormented Norma for a whole year, I didn’t want to speak at all. I think it took me months to even say more than one word answers. I didn’t want to be my dad. Who talks to
o much, hurts other people, and cheats on his wife. I wanted to be the total opposite, so that is what I became.
I just nod and place Macy into her car seat and strap her in. “You coming?” I question the women standing around, still looking lost.
My mom snaps out of it first and pushes Cassie towards the car. “Yes let’s get going honey.” She kisses me on my cheek and looks at me like she is seeing me for the first time. I really don’t know what that means. And I honestly don’t understand women.
*****
Sometimes I would dream of Norma. She would be standing there in front of me giving me her all knowing smile. Then she would walk away, her ass swaying as she gets further and further away from me. I would run and run to catch up with her, but I would never get any closer, no matter how fast I ran. Then all of a sudden the sunny day we are in, changes to a dark storming night and she is sitting there crying her eyes out in so much pain. It’s more than I can take and I try to reach her, but there is an invisible wall between us. I pound my fist on the wall until my hands are bleeding, but no matter what I do I can’t reach her. She gets up from her seated position in the rain and walks over to me and places her hands on the wall right over mine. She mouths “I’m sorry” over and over again. Then she begins to blow away in the wind piece by piece.
I always wake up screaming her name.
My dorm mate was scared shitless the first time this happened. After a while he got used to it, but after so many times he asked me what the hell I went through to have a dream like that. He said I mumble Norma and Smalls all night long sometimes. I tell him she is the only girl I would ever love and I don’t know where she is. That she never loved me and it was all a game to her.
As time went on the dreams became less frequent and before long I forgot what the hell they were even about. I even moved on. If you can believe it. I sure as hell don’t.
Her name was Valarie and she is the complete opposite of Norma. Tall, curvy, blonde, and brown eyes. She didn’t make me crazy and that’s something I loved about her. Nothing she did even comes close to how Norma was. I loved it. I made it nearly two years with her before she got tired of me not being able to love her back.
So I guess that is the way I will always be. Alone never able to love anyone but Norma. Which I’m sure sounds crazy to you, but have you ever had that all-consuming love? I have. And it was with her. She breathed life into me and she took it away all in the same breath. She made me feel whole, when before I was only half a person. Crazy isn’t it? To find that at 18?
But I did and I wouldn’t ever change those months with her for anything.
Chapter 8
3 and a half years later…
Norma
The chilly winter air hits my face as I climb out of my car. I pull my coat closer around my body trying to keep the iciness from my torso. At least I don’t have to deal with snow like the north. I hate this weather. I can’t wait for a warm breeze on a sunny day. Shorts and flip flops and flirty dresses. Regina would appreciate me adding the dresses in there, since they weren’t part of my style until I met her.
Since it’s night the air is colder which makes me even grumpier. For some reason I got talked into going to a Reddy’s party, which makes no sense. Well since we aren’t allowed to party on the OBU campus a lot of students head over to the Henderson campus.
The apartment building I’m in is all college students and since
it’s Friday night no one seems to care. Most of the apartments are blaring music as I walk past their doors. There are several people outside smoking cigarettes and I say hello to several I know. When I get to the right place, I push open the door and look through all the people for Regina. The warm air hits my freezing legs through my skinny jeans and I let out a sigh of relief. “Oh look who’s here!” comes a male voice to my left.
I look up to meet David’s face. He’s cute I guess. Long brown hair and blue eyes. Built like a linebacker and has a really deep voice to match. “Hey!” I call out to him smiling.
“Reg didn’t think you were going to show, you know since…” he trails off his eyes going wide thinking he might cause me distress on saying my recent ex’s name.