Not Enough: Is love ever enough? (The Enough Series Book 1) (4 page)

The charity
event Austin and I are attending tonight will be a test of our nonsexual
relationship. The media, several of his teammates, and organizational staff
will be on hand. He is regularly questioned by the press and his friends about our
relationship, but has remains adamant we are just friends.  

I know he would like to be more, and truthfully, I would too,
but I vowed to never allow my heart to be broken again. I will not break that
vow. Especially since I realize, getting over Austin would already be harder
than getting over Ryan ever was.

     I walk into Fique’s a high-end clothing store to pick up
my dress for tonight. The only person in fashion I can tolerate, Gabe, greets me.
He owns the store and is my go to for all things fashionable.

Gabe is a slender man with delicate features, dark hair and
dark chocolate eyes made for fashion. He is the reason I do not dress like a
child. He chooses my clothes twice a year. I hired Gabe after college as my
personal shopper so I could dress the part of my new job and we’ve been friends
ever since.

“Bonjour magnifique,” he says as he plants an air kiss on
either side of my face. Gabe is not French, but he pulls it off anyway.

“Bonjour beau, are you ready to transform me into Cinderella?”

Gabe opened this shop a little over a year ago and it is a
rare treat. Not only do I trust he will dress me to perfection his boyfriend
Alex will do my hair and make-up. There is no doubt I will leave here feeling like
a princess.

“Oh Ry, you know I have been waiting years for this
opportunity.” It is true he has been begging me to hit the gala scene so he can
get his name on the carpet.

“So what is your grand plan for me,” I ask with excitement.

Gabe practically bounces from the room ordering me to follow,
“Oh honey I designed this one especially for you. That date of yours will be
putty in your hands.”

Suddenly he turns around grabbing my hands, “You have a date
don’t you. Oh lord, please tell me it is that gorgeous hunk of man you are
always around these days.”

His enthusiasm makes me smile and inwardly cringe. I know he
wants me to find someone that makes me as happy as he and Alex make one
another. However, he knows nothing of my past or the lengths I will go to avoid
a repeat performance.

“Yes, I am taking a friend. No, it is not a date. And yes, I
am going with Austin. He will pick me up here when you consider me ready for a
public appearance.”

His smile fades only to be rejuvenated when Alex walks in.
Alex is also tall and slender but he looks are the polar opposite of Gabe. He
has short blonde hair and light blue eyes that can appear gray in certain light.

“Alex, please tell Gabe I don’t need a man. I am doing well
on my own.”

Alex gives me wicked smirk, “Oh no darling I agree with Gabe
on this one. You are too young and beautiful to be alone.” All I can do is
shake my head, it seems I am outnumbered on this one but thankfully the only
vote that counts is my own and it has been cast.

They converse quietly about what hairstyle will compliment
Gabe’s design before laying out a timeline for the afternoon. Gabe walks into
the back of the store as Alex walks over and assesses my hair.

“So who is the date? Is it that hot footballer I have seen you
with?” What is it about these guys and my love life?

“Yes, Austin is my date and a very close friend.” He chuckles
to himself as he walks around me and checks my nails.

“When we are done with you there is no way he will want to be
just your friend.”

I decide explaining that I am the one who imposed the
boundaries in my relationship with Austin would be a fruitless effort. Instead,
I will let these two scheme the afternoon away while they pamper and beautify me.

“Where did Gabe go,” I ask Alex hoping to change the subject
if only for a moment.

“He went to get the dress. It is amazing, by far his best
work so far. You will be stunning and if anyone asks, you must mention Gabe. He
will never…”

He trails off as Gabe walks back in holding an emerald gown
with the bottom draped over one arm. I nonchalantly nod at Alex making sure he
knows that I intend to give Gabe any publicity I can.

“Come, come you have to try it on in case it needs any last
minute alterations.” We all know it won’t need anything because Gabe is a
genius, and he knows my body better than anyone.

We make our way over to the dressing area and he instructs me
to lose all the clothes except my panties. I feel a little self-conscious
standing here half-naked but I turn to him, he is holding open the gown, and I carefully
step in. He pulls it up and over one shoulder. As the zipper slides up my back,
I get a small shiver. Gabe slides his hands down my sides and waist smoothing
the material before taking a final look.

“Holy shit Gabe, that is your masterpiece,” Alex whispers
with tears in his eyes.

I nod to him and he smiles before Gabe instructs me to turn
around and see the brilliance of his work. Slowly pivoting on the pedestal to
face the three-way mirror I am speechless when I see my reflection in the
mirrors.

The dress is spectacular. It is a floor length, emerald gown,
with a high side slit that shows off my toned legs. The bodice is a wrap style
that comes off my right shoulder wrapping around and leaving two exposed, diamond
shaped, slits on my left side. The material is slick and sticks to my every
curve.

I spin around a few times taking in my appearance. It shows
more skin than I am comfortable with, but it is tasteful, and one of a kind.

Gabe is eyeing me with unease as he waits for my reaction. I
take my time before giving him his due. “Gabe, you have outdone yourself. This
dress is perfect. I adore it and you.”

He comes over lightly hugging me, “Are you sure? You are generally
more modest, but I couldn’t resist this time.”

I can’t help laughing, “That is true, but if you think I can
pull this off then I will just have to trust your professional opinion. After
all I have been for the past few years have I not.”

Three hours later, I am again standing in my gown in front of
the mirror. Gabe chose a pair of silver open-toed strap heels that will test my
balance and grace. Alex has styled my hair, so it softly cascades down my back in
subtle waves. My make-up is understated but draws the green out of my eyes so
they appear as dark my dress. They added a chunky diamond bracelet and long
diamond drop earrings to complete the ensemble.

I feel like a princess who deserves her prince charming, but I
that is not in the cards I have been dealt. The thought causes a pit to form in
my stomach until I see the joy on their faces and it quickly eases my somber
thoughts.

Alex pulls a small camera out of his pocket, “Gabe, get up
there, we need a picture of you with your pièce de résistance.”

Gabe climbs up on the small pedestal next to me and is a
solid six inches shorter than I am. Alex snaps pictures as Gabe twists and
turns me.

A few minutes later we are all laughing, “Come on boys I need
to get down from here before I fall and ruin all of your hard work.” Just as
Gabe steps down and turns to help me, we hear a loud knock out front.

Alex peeks around the corner and turns back with a cat ate
the canary grin on his face, “Calm down it is just your big brother.”

“
Alex,
will you go let him in while I make sure Ry is set.” Gabe gives me a once over
and deems me party worthy as Jeremy walks in with Alex.

We all stand there in an awkward silence. Jeremy stares at me
as if I have grown two heads. “It is just a dress, you can quit staring,” I say
self-consciously.

Jeremy flashes me his megawatt smile. “Baby girl you are positively
stunning. I might need to snag a tux from Gabe so I can keep an eye on you
tonight,” he says with a wink. Alex chimes in with, “Rylee, you are a real life
princess.”

I’m not sure how to react to all the compliments so I do what
I do best and deflect. “Thank you all, but I am still me and, I will be back in
my workout clothes before you know it.”

Jeremy takes a picture of Alex, Gabe, and I before switching
places with Alex. I imagine this is what prom would have felt like if we had
ever attended one. J and I never had the money to attend formal dances in high school.
We always stayed home and threw a party of our own. That was one of the few
benefits to being on our own from the ages of fourteen and fifteen.

“J what are you doing here,” I ask out of curiosity. I had no
idea he was coming. As he starts to answer, another knock comes, and every
nerve in my body lights up simultaneously. Gabe closed down the shop this
afternoon for our little get ready party so it has to be Austin this time.

My palms are suddenly sweating, butterflies are doing
somersaults in my stomach, and my knees feel weak. Jeremy notices the change in
my demeanor and asks everyone to give us a moment. I need to compose myself and
a few minutes alone with J should do the trick.

“Rylee Ash,” he takes a deep breath, “I am going to say
something to you I should have said a long time ago.” He guides me over to one of
the stools, forces me to sit, and stares directly into my eyes.

He places both of his hands on my shoulders and gives me an
encouraging smile. “You are too good for what Ryan did to you, but more
importantly you are too strong to continue to let him dictate your life. I will
never tell you who to date, but I can tell Austin has been good for you.”

I know this must be hard for J. He has never been good with
emotions not since our parents died, and we were forced to fight our own
conflicting emotions following their deaths. The only emotion we trusted was
the bond between us, which is why this means so much. J and I fought the system
and were left in the care of our senile grandmother after their deaths. This
rendered us on our own. We learned how not to depend on other people. We only
had each other.

I recognize Austin has been good for me. I was living in a
shell of existence before he came along and forced me to re-engage with the
world. We do everything together from grocery shopping and dinners out to
hiking and fishing. Admittedly, I don't like the fishing but I don't think he
cares for the pedicures he gets weekly just to hang out with me either.

Austin has shown me how to smile again and I am afraid he has
also shown me how to fall in love again, despite my efforts against it. He has
never pressed his agenda yet I always look forward to the next time we will be
together. Well, that is until now—now I am terrified.

I stare into the eyes that reflect my own, “J, I can’t. Not
again.” I try to fight back the tears threatening to ruin my make-up.

This is why he is here; he knew I would panic when reality
set in. “Ry, love is impervious to your will. If it is
meant
to be it
will
be.”

With that, he pulls me into his signature big brother hug
that has an immediate calming effect. It is moments like this that I hate how
well he knows me. I know I am falling for Austin but I refuse to admit it. That
is why tonight is so scary. I won’t be able to hide when I am forced to spend
the night in his arms, the one place I can envision calling home.

I hold on to my big brother while I try to regain my
composure and control the war waging between my heart and my mind. J tilts my
head back up, “No matter what you choose Ry, I will always be here. You will
always have a safety net.”

I nod and give him a small smile, “I love you J and thank you.
I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“And you never will. Let’s go show that pretty boy QB just
how incredibly lucky he is tonight.” I can’t help chuckling at Jeremy calling
Austin a pretty boy because heaven knows he is just as pretty.          

Once I am stable on my feet, Jeremy gives me his arm and we
walk into the front of the shop where the others are waiting. Austin has his
back to me when we enter but as the conversation wanes and all eyes turn to us,
he turns. Our eyes meet and the rest of the room fades away as I read the
variety of emotions in his deep blue eyes. Surprise, appreciation, lust, and if
I am not mistaken love flicker across his features.

The air is charged with our unspoken wants and desires as we
stand and admire one another. He looks stunning in his tuxedo that is perfectly
tailored to his physique. He went with a wide silver tie that seamlessly
complements my dress. His hair is an expertly styled mess that makes me want to
run my fingers through it while screaming his name. He is just about as close to
perfection as a man can get and he is stalking towards me.

I take a deep breath and try to remind myself that we are
friends and one night will not change that. The hardest part for me is that my
resolve is beginning to crumble. The way he is looking at me right now could be
the shot that shatters the fortress around my heart.

Austin crosses the room in a few strides and now stands a
breath away. We stare into each other’s eyes communicating without words. The
air is heavy with expectation when he finally breaks the silence. “Hi.” It
comes out just above a whisper.

“Hi,” I return, breathless from the sexual tension.

He gracefully slides my hand into his and lifts it to his lips
placing a delicate kiss on my knuckles. “Rylee, I do not have the words to tell
you how incredible you look. You are beautiful.”

The fire in his eyes tells me he means every word and my
heart skips a beat. “You are smoking hot yourself Aus. Are we ready to do it?”

He raises an eyebrow questioningly and I realize what I said.
“I mean, uh, I mean are you ready to go?” He laughs. Thankfully, I cut through
the palpable tension albeit inadvertently.

Taking my arm into his he leans down and whispers in my ear. “We
can
do
anything your heart desires baby.” His emphasis on the word ‘do’
is a subtle reminder he is open to more, if only that were possible. My body
tingles with desire from his breath and touch on my hyperaware skin.

After Gabe takes a few pictures of Austin and me, we are
ready to go. Gabe wraps a beautiful silver shawl around my shoulders, Austin
takes my hand, and we head out the door of Fique's. I am surprised to see a
limo parked at the curb and I glance at Austin curiously. “I thought you
deserved the best. Now quit worrying and let’s go have some fun,” he says with
a nonchalant shrug.

 The driver opens the door and Austin helps me in the car. I
slide clear across the black leather bench seat hoping to put a little distance
between us. Disregarding my attempt at space Austin slides in next to me and
wraps his arm around my shoulders. The feel of him next to me and the pull of my
heartstrings are making it hard to keep my head on straight.

I have never felt as uncomfortable around Austin as I do
right now. He seems at peace with the silence with between us as he holds me close.
When the car pulls out into traffic, I stare out the window trying to come up
with something to say to ease the tension in my chest.

Lost in my thoughts Austin nudges me and hands me a drink, “Here
you look like you could use this.” His face is filled with concern and I twist
with anguish, this is supposed to be a fun evening and my inner demons are
ruining it. Taking the drink, I down it in one gulp and the amber liquid burns its
way down my throat, “Thank you.”

My eyes start to fill with tears and I can no longer contain my
emotions. I would like to say I don’t know why tonight is affecting me so
dramatically, but I do. This is the first time, since Ryan, that I truly feel
something and it scares the hell out of me.

I am not only afraid of being hurt or rejected but of also
not being enough. Not being good enough for Austin, not being good enough to
exist in his world, not being enough, those are the words that haunt me. Not
only was I not enough for Ryan, Jeremy and I were not enough for our parents, a
point they drove home repeatedly before their deaths. My head is spinning with
self-doubt.

Dropping my head in my hands I try to find my composure and
continue to fail miserably until Austin lifts my head up forcing me to meet his
eyes. “Rylee, are you ok? We don’t have to do this. We don’t have to go.” The
worry and adoration in his eyes almost send me spiraling out of control.

I look away taking a deep breath to steady myself, “No, I
want to go. I…. I am sorry. I am just having an unfortunate moment.” The worry
etched in his face tells me he does not believe me. He can read me as well as
anyone so lying to him is not an option.

Trying to push aside my whirling thoughts, I focus on the man
in front of me. I turn my body so I am out from under his arm and can face him.
Leaning back on the door I take a deep breath so I can try to salvage the night
I have almost ruined before it had a chance to begin.

I take Austin’s hands into my own and meet his compassionate
stare with one of my own. “Austin. Ok. First, I am sorry for this meltdown.” He
shakes his head and squeezes my hand in support. “I never really explained why I
refuse to date but tonight those reasons are haunting me.”

Lacing his fingers through mine, “Ry, this isn’t a date, and it
doesn’t change anything between us. I will be whatever you want me to be. If you
want to be friends then we are friends. If you ever want more, I am available
but I will never push you. You know that right?”

I nod showing I understand and continue staring into those mesmerizing
blue eyes that so clearly adore me. This is the reason am struggling, Austin is
perfect, he is willing to be friends despite his feelings. Why couldn’t I have
met him before Ryan ruined my heart? Why did I trust Ryan to repair the damage my
parents inflicted?

“I know Aus. You are so amazing that I am fighting myself. My
mind is saying one thing and my heart another. Add to that the sage wisdom
imparted on me by my big brother and I am a mess. You don’t deserve any of this
and I am so sorry. I am not good enough for someone like you.”

Anger flashes across his face as rage erupts in his eyes. “You
aren’t good enough for me? What the hell does that mean Ry?” He pulls his hands
from mine running them through his hair and I tremble.

“Aus, I wasn’t trying to upset you. I was just trying to
explain. I am sorry.” His face softens, and he regains hold of my hands pulling
them to his chest forcing me to lean forward off the door.

“You are right Ry, I don’t know what is in your past, and
maybe that is a conversation we need to have. But, what I do know is that you
are beautiful, smart, funny, and way too good for me. Hell, in my opinion, you
are too good for anyone. So please never demean yourself like that to me. We all
have a past and mine isn’t pretty either. The only difference between the two
of us is that I am choosing not to let my past define my future.”

Austin is right, but it still hurts me to hear those words
from him. I need to figure how out to let the pain of my past go. There will
never be a better reason than the beautiful man sitting next to me.

“You are right Austin my past is defining my future and I
need to figure that out. I never felt the need to confront the skeletons in my
closet until you walked into my life. I’m not even sure where to start other
than to admit it scares the hell out of me.” The truth is, I have no clue how
to confront my past. I’ve spent so much time running and hiding from it, that
is all I know how to do.

Austin wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his lap
where I immediately find comfort. “I don’t know where you start either but I
can tell you I will be there every step. J and Bode will be there too, you can
count on that. So let’s start by having a good time tonight and let the past be
damned.”

Taking a deep breath with my face buried in his neck, I can smell
all things Austin. It is a mix of body wash and pure man. A smell I cannot get
enough of and brings me to my knees. I lean back looking into his eyes and
cannot help smiling. “Yeah, let the past be damned. Let’s party,” I say with
renewed enthusiasm.

The rest of the drive to the hotel in Copley Square is filled
with laughter and light-hearted banter. I can do this, I can do fun. I will
find a way through all the baggage in my head another day. Austin is worth the
effort and so much more.