Nurse Trudie is Engaged (22 page)

“
You mean you
’
d leave, just like that?
”
Philip phrased the question directly and she nodded.

“
If I thought my being here would hurt Malcolm in any way,
”
she said with such sincerity that they believed her despite themselves,
“
I would go out of his life—all of your lives—forever, and you would never hear from me again.
”

“
Do you want to see him, Malcolm, I mean?
”
Philip asked next. He could see that Trudie was shaking, and he feared a sudden breakdown knowing she would hate herself if that happened.

“
Please,
”
Veronica said simply, adding quickly,
“
but only if he wants to see me.
”

“
He
’
s been waiting to see you ever since he dived in after you,
”
Philip told her with the first glimpse of humor he had shown since the narrative started.
“
Come along, Trudie, we
’
ll have a drink and think things out. We
’
ll leave Malcolm and Veronica together for a little while.
”

They went together to the sitting room set apart for Philip. After he had installed Trudie in the more comfortable of the two armchairs he told her not to move until he had brought some tea, given her a cigarette and left her alone for a few minutes. He was not away very long, and right on his heels came a girl with hot, strong tea. Philip poured, first spooning extra sugar into Trudie
’
s cup and then adding a generous helping of something from a small flask he produced from a cupboard.

“
Shock treatment,
”
he smiled at her,
“
and I want you to drink it all. It will do you good.
”

With an effort Trudie smiled faintly and managed to take a good drink of the tea, although she pulled a face at the taste of the brandy. Despite the warmth of the July day she was still shivering. Somehow she could not dismiss a mental picture of Garth
’
s face as she knew it must have looked that last morning, despairing and hopeless, stripped of illusions. She set down the cup with a tiny clatter in the saucer and suddenly put her hands to her face.

“
It
’
s all horrible, horrible,
”
she said at last in a half-choked voice.
“
How could anyone be so cruel? How could she marry him, knowing she had no intention of letting it last, knowing he loved her—trading on the fact?
”

Quietly Philip left his own chair to where Trudie sat with bowed head, tears pouring through her fingers; tears he was thankful to see because he knew she had kept her emotions under strict control far too long. Without this relief there would have to be a breaking point somewhere.

“
It
’
s all wrong.
”
He heard the words from behind her fingers, muffled and indistinct, but none the less passionately sincere.

“
Veronica was playing at love,
”
Trudie said with bewildered emphasis.
“
It was like a game to her, has been while she has been here, at The Cedars. She thinks it marvellous to have men crazy about her. She doesn
’
t care whether she hurts them or not.
”

“
People don
’
t understand,
”
Philip was beginning, but Trudie was not ready to listen to him as yet.

“
People shouldn
’
t play with love,
”
she said stormily,
“
nor with emotions. They shouldn
’
t pretend what they don
’
t really feel. It can only lead to ... tragedy.
”

For a moment Philip was tempted to agree, and then he remembered that he and Trudie were playing out a game of pretense themselves. It was true that neither of them had ever pretended to love the other, but it was also true that the rest of the world imagined that they did. Remembering Dr. Hislop
’
s delight in their
“
engagement
”
Philip felt a pang of remorse for their own play-acting that had apparently been completely successful.

Then he remembered something else. He recalled how he too had felt Veronica
’
s strange attraction, right from the moment of their first meeting. In the beginning, he had even been tempted to think that he really loved her. It was only as he came to know her better that he had realized that, attract him though she might, she would also infuriate him, irritate him, and make him angry. She was by no means the right woman for a man like himself.

“
But I could have made a havoc of my own life, just as poor old Garth did of his,
”
he reflected,
“
and I would have done, but for Trudie.
”

Quietly he stroked the bowed head, waiting for the storm of emotion to cease. When she was quieter he would tell her that their case was different, because, he reflected, she was perhaps comparing the two. Before he could say anything she had lifted her head from her hands and had taken a small handkerchief from her purse and started to dry her eyes.

“
If this is the sort of thing that happens when people play at love,
”
she said slowly but emphatically,
“
I don
’
t want any part of it. Not any more. I know you
’
ve never pretended to care for me,
”
she had to swallow here, because these words were hard to say;
“
but all the same we
’
re pretending, playing at emotions that are not there at all. Who knows what we may stir up, what repercussions there may be?
”
She twisted around in the chair and faced him abruptly.

“
When you first suggested this
‘
engagement
’
of ours,
”
she went on steadily,
“
you said you wanted a
‘
nice, safe engagement to someone who hadn
’
t bridal veils on her mind
’
or words to that effect. I worked at St. Catherine
’
s. I knew how most of them and women like Ursula chased you, everywhere. I knew you did need something like this, real or pretending, to help you, and so I agreed. You need not worry about Ursula now. She and Geoff will be married in the fall, I think. I
’
m sure after knowing Veronica you can handle anyone else who comes along ... until you find the right one.
”

“
Just what are you trying to say, Trudie?
”
Philip asked gently, staring at her now with a mingled expression of fear and incredulity that would have been comical in any other circumstances.
“
Are you trying to tell me that because of what Veronica has just told you, you don
’
t want to carry on?
”

“
No, I don
’
t.
”
Trudie spoke the words with finality.
“
If this is what happens by pretending emotions that are not there but in our case were assumed by others to be there, then I want no part of it.
”

With a swift gesture he could scarcely follow she tugged off the ring she had worn with such secret pride and held it out to him on the palm of her hand. She could not look at him, because in parting with this, the false but only symbol of their supposed love for each other, she felt her heart would break. If she had looked at him then she knew he would have read the truth in her eyes.

“
Take it,
”
she said sharply.
“
Someone may come in and see me holding it out like this, and then we
’
d both look silly. We can think of what we must say to them afterward.
”

Philip looked down at her and suddenly knew this was not what he wanted at all. Instead he wanted to kiss the tearstains from her cheeks, smooth back her hair, replace his ring on her finger, and ask her how long it would take to plan a wedding.

“I ...
Trudie,
”
he began haltingly,
“
let
’
s not be hasty. I know you
’
ve had a shock, but don
’
t let it throw everything out of balance for you ... for us. Veronica has nothing to do with us. Whatever conclusions she and Malcolm arrive at she is out of our lives, as an intimate part of them, forever. She can
’
t do this to us.
”

“
She hasn
’
t done anything,
”
Trudie said gently.
“
Can
’
t you see, it
’
s what we ought to have known for ourselves all the time. You can
’
t play with emotions. It
’
s like playing with dynamite. Something—anything—can trigger them off. Garth
”
—she choked on the name, but recovered herself almost immediately—
“
was the last person in the world you
’
d have expected to commit suicide. He was too fond of life, and all that helped to make it up. He wasn
’
t a silly, emotional boy, but I knew that when he fell in love it would be completely and forever.
”
With difficulty she held back the words:
I know because we are alike
...
were alike
...
and that is what has happened to me. Some day I
’
ll let you know I love you. That isn
’
t what you want, and that
’
s where the trouble
will
begin.
Aloud she said, still in the same gentle tone;

“
You know I
’
m right, Philip. It has to end some time. Let it end now, before there
’
s another tragedy to follow this one. Let
’
s end it while we
’
re
still ...
good friends.
”

“
Trudie.
”
Philip slid off the arm of the chair and stood facing her, reaching down to remove the cup and saucer to safety. Then, gently picking up the ring, he took her hand in his.
“
Let me put it back,
”
he suggested,
“please ...
where it belongs. I love you, Trudie. Really love you.
”

It was as though his words had released her from the sudden inertia that had followed her emotional storm. She sprang to her feet, indignation blazing in her eyes that were bluer than he had ever seen them.

“
How dare you?
”
she demanded, her voice, shaking in anger.
“
How dare you try to persuade me
to ...
carry on, as though nothing has happened to change things? How can you, when you
’
ve heard Veronica tell you in her own words that she married Garth,
‘
acting
’
she called it, as if she loved him!
”

“
But we
’
ve only been engaged,
”
Philip pointed out in a quiet, reasonable tone.
“
I only want us to ... go back to that. Until we can be married.
”

“
We
’
ve never spoken of marriage,
”
Trudie said quickly.
“
That was the state we were trying to prevent you from entering. Remember?
”

“
And now,
”
he said gently,
“
it
’
s the state, as you call it, I want to enter with you.
”
He stood a little way in front of her and then
moved closer, taking her hands in his own in a gentle but very firm hold.

“
Trudie,
”
he went on quietly,
“
I meant what I said just now. I love you. I want you to be my wife, even
”
—a faint smile touched his Ups for a moment—
“
if it means Veronica will be my sister-in-law-by-marriage, if there is such a thing. I love you,
”
he repeated, as though trying to make her understand clearly.
“
With all my heart.
”

Trudie stood very still, letting her hands lie in his. She made no attempt to pull them away or to move, but her eyes were enormous as she looked up at him.

“
What makes you say that, now?
”
she asked in almost a piteous tone.
“
You mustn
’
t be sorry for me, you know.
”
It was her turn now to give a faint smile.
“
I shall get over the
shock ...
about Garth, I mean.
”

“
Garth—and Veronica, or even Malcolm—have nothing to do with us.
”
Philip said the words slowly and distinctly as though trying to instruct a backward child.
“
It
’
s you I love, Trudie. I think I
’
ve loved you from the beginning when you fell under my car, and I think that
’
s what put the idea of
a ...
‘
pretend
’
engagement into my head in the first place. Perhaps if Veronica had not arrived when she did it might have turned into the real thing long before now, but certainly it
’
s real enough now, my darling. And it will be for you, in time, I
’
m sure of that.
”

She looked at him steadily for a long moment. Philip
’
s glance did not waver, nor did he make the mistake of trying to take her in his arms or touch her other than to hold her hands. Gently, imperceptibly he was drawing her nearer and nearer to him.

“
Trudie, darling,
”
he said again,
“
I mean
it ...
I love you. That
’
s the only thing I know. It
’
s your love that has kept me
from ...
the madness an affair with Veronica would have meant. Do you think that if I had not, knowingly or otherwise, loved you, a mere charade of an engagement would have saved me? Trust me,
”
he whispered, drawing her unresisting form closer to his embrace.
“
Let me teach you to love me too. I think I can, if you
’
ll only let me try.
”

Suddenly, clearly, looking into his eyes, she knew he was telling the truth, and for Trudie the doubts and fears were dispelled as though they had never been. This was what she had dreamed of and hoped for; this was all she had ever wanted coming true here and now.

“
You
do
mean it, don
’
t you?
”
she whispered in return, and as he nodded she slipped completely into his arms as she had longed to do so many times.
“
You don
’
t have to teach me to love you,
”
she murmured against his chest.
“
I loved
you ...
from the very beginning. It was true when I said I would do anything you asked of me.
”

His lips were on hers and his arms about her, when there was a discreet tap on the door. Without turning his head Philip called to whoever it was to enter and the next moment Malcolm, withdrawn and white-faced, was in the room.

“
Sorry to intrude
—”
he was beginning, but Philip beamed on
him in welcome.

“
You
’
re not intruding,
”
he said crisply.
“
We
’
re just fixing our wedding date.
”

“
Congratulations.
”
Malcolm
’
s tone was dry but sincere.
“
Where do I find this Vetch character, please?
”

“
I
’
ll have a nurse take you in.
”
Philip touched a bell on his desk, but did not ask questions. After a while Malcolm said,
“
Veronica has told me everything. Neither she nor anyone else in the family, anyhow, has any need to worry any more. I
’
m going to see Mr. Vetch right now, and then Veronica and I are coming
home ...
together. She
’
ll never go back to the stage or the States again.
”
The nurse came and he followed her from the room.

Trudie turned to Philip as the door closed and his arms opened again to enfold her.

“
Let us
go ...
home, too, darling,
”
she said simply, and as he slipped the ring back on her finger Philip knew that for him
“
home
”
would, indeed, be any place where Trudie was, from now to the end of their days.