Nix
Things have changed with Emily and I'm not sure how it happened. I've spent so many months, keeping myself closed off from others, that my isolation was a balm to me. And yet, here I've let this wisp of a girl inside my walls in just a matter of a few weeks. Suddenly, all of the emotions that had once been so easy to compartmentalize, are now swirling near the surface. I have to sort through them now, identify which ones are okay to test out, and cautiously poke at them to see if they'll bite me. When I can figure out the ones that won't hurt or cause me pain, I let them run free a bit. It's frightening and exhilarating at the same time.
Granted, I've not opened up completely with her. I will never be able to tell her about Paul. It's too shameful for me, and now that I've let this girl in, I want to keep her there.
For the near future, at least.
I'm not ready to see the horror reflected in her beautiful whiskey eyes if she knew the truth behind what happened.
So it ultimately matters not that I've opened the door a little for Emily. I can never fully welcome her in. There will always be a part of me that will forever be untouchable.
And that, for now, makes me feel safe enough to push forward with her. To see where this is going.
I've just arrived at Emily's apartment. Harley and I jump out of my truck and head up to #322. She invited us over to dinner tonight and I'm actually looking forward to meeting Fil.
Emily's told me a lot about her and any person, man or woman, that's able to put the fear of God into Emily's ex-douche is alright by me. Yes...I'm already on Team Fil.
I knock on the door and it's immediately opened by who I can only assume is the illustrious Mignon Larson. I think she must have been lurking on the other side, waiting for me to knock. She's a very striking woman and she gives me a warm smile.
Fil first bends to Harley and gives him head rubs, cooing at the furry monster. Then she sticks her hand out for me to shake. "Hi. I'm Mignon."
I take her hand and it's strong and sure. "Nix."
Emily walks up behind her and says, "How come he gets to call you Mignon?"
Fil grins deviously at Emily. "He doesn't. You just interrupted me before I got to the part where I tell him that if he calls me that, I'll cut his balls off."
She turns to me, nefarious smile still in place, and says, "I suggest you call me Fil."
I smirk and nod my head. "Duly noted."
Emily walks around Fil and wraps her arms around my neck, pressing her body into mine. My arms go around her waist and she stands on her tip toes to press a soft kiss to my mouth. This one move on her part, is probably the most intimate act I've ever shared with a woman. It's not sexual, but soft and welcoming.
She almost drops me to my knees when she whispers, "I've missed you."
I don't know what to say in response. Have I missed her? I've thought about her. A lot. Well...almost obsessively.
And when I first saw her walk up behind Fil, I felt something akin to elation well up in my chest. When she pressed into me, holding me close, my first thought was not how to get into her pants. No. My first thought had actually been that this felt...natural. And there is no way that it should have felt that way, because there is nothing natural about what is happening between us. At least, not in my carefully orchestrated world.
Before I can even answer, Emily releases me, bends to kiss Harley on his snout and then hurries off to the kitchen, yelling over her back, "Get him a beer, Fil. I've got to pull the lasagna out of the oven before it burns. And stop threatening people all willy-nilly to cut off their balls."
Fil and I actually get along quite well. We sit in the living, drinking beers and discussing football while Harley snoozes at my feet. His head actually lies on top of my boot, a sure sign that he knows I'm a bit introverted around people I don't know.
Turns out, it's not so hard to talk to Fil. She's a big Jets fan like me. And she's a big Emily fan...like me.
***
Dinner was delicious and I was quite impressed since it was the first time Emily had ever made lasagna. We are now all sitting in the living room, talking about everything and nothing. I'm on the end of the couch and Emily is tucked into my side, my arm lying loosely across her shoulders. She has her legs pulled up with her feet curled underneath her own hip.
Emily and Fil are arguing about a TV show that I've never heard of before...
The Vampire Diaries
?
Whatever.
I use the opportunity to examine all of the sensations Emily is causing me to feel right now. With her head tucked into my shoulder, her shampoo smells fruity and clean. Her long hair feels silky on my arm. The heat of her body against mine is comforting. Her feet are bare and delicate. I find them sexy as hell.
Most of all, I've never been in a relationship where I've just sat with someone so closely, yet so naturally. Even in high school, before I went into the military, the two serious relationships I had were always so full of high school angst that I never could just be comfortably silent in someone's presence.
It's nice and I can't believe I've been avoiding attempting this for so long.
But I'm thinking some of this has to do simply do with the fact that it's Emily. I'm not sure I could really have this with anyone else.
"...well I hope to God he doesn't show up. That will just be awkward all the way around, especially after your dad threatened him," Fil says as she stands up to go get another beer.
I tune into the tail end of a conversation and I have a funny feeling I know what they are talking about.
"Hope who doesn't show up?" I ask.
Fil throws over her shoulder as she walks out of living room. "Her ex-douche."
I'm definitely on team Fil. She calls him the same thing I do. And how did they get from
Vampire Diaries
to the ex-douche in that short of a time? My observation skills are waning.
I turn toward Emily a bit so I can see her face. "Where is she afraid he may show up?"
"My dad asked me to come to a fundraiser Saturday night. Fil is afraid Todd may show up."
Her tone is dismissive and she's not worried, I can tell. But I'm on edge about it. "Is there a chance he'll come?"
"I suppose. They are selling tickets to the event so he could theoretically buy one himself, or his dad could buy one for him."
"You don't sound worried," I point out.
"Not really. What's he going to do in a room full of people?"
She has a very good point. There is no reason why I should be worried about this. Emily will be surrounded by tons of people and no way the guy can hurt her. He might be able to corner her, make her uncomfortable, maybe even cop a feel...
Before I can stop myself, I say, "I'll go with you."
She looks at me in shock. She appraises me then a grin spreads across her face. She lightly punches me in the arm and scoffs, "Yeah, right. You almost had me there, Caldwell."
I bring my hand up and softly grip her jaw so she looks at me. "I'm dead serious. I don't want you going there alone."
But Emily isn't having any of my pushy ways tonight. "I'll be fine. Besides, I didn't invite you."
"Then invite me."
"No. You're being ridiculous. I can take care of myself."
I decide to throw a low blow. "Are you ashamed of me?"
Now, I know Emily well enough to know that she is not ashamed of me. In fact, I'm sure she would love nothing more than to drag me to every social function she has, which I would absolutely hate. It's just not my thing. But I know the mere thought that I, or anyone, would think she would revert to the old "Emily Burnham" will be enough to swing her actions in the opposite direction.
"Of course not," she practically screeches at me. "I'd be the belle of the ball if I had you on my arm there."
"Then what's the problem?" I ask softly. I lean in and kiss her, resting my lips lightly against hers.
She sighs into my mouth, her hand sliding into my hair. "Fine. You can come with me."
I pull her tight to me and our kiss deepens. Gone now is the soft comfort I was feeling before. Now I'm feeling lust, desire, and hunger for Emily. I slide my hand up her thigh, stopping just before I get to my end goal with my thumb resting on the area where her underwear races along the edge of her pelvis. I pull her on top of me to straddle my lap.
She leans over me and kisses me deeply. I harden instantly...almost painfully.
"Get a freakin' room you two. That's just nasty."
I had forgotten about Fil. Hell, Emily makes me forget everything sometimes. For example, in the past five minutes I've forgotten that I don't do relationships, that I don't date, that I don't go to political fundraisers, and I particularly don't worry about what happens when a girl I'm fucking is out of my immediate vicinity.
Apparently I've forgotten a lot. Thanks to Emily.
I watch as Emily blushes and pulls back from my lips. Her eyes are sweet and warm, with a hint of underlying desire coming off the heels of that kiss.
When she looks at me, she sees more of me than most. Hell...I've let her see more of me than most. She definitely has taught me a lot in the few weeks we've known each other and Dr. Antoniak, I know, would be proud I'm going out on a limb.
A thought strikes me. I should have Emily's name added to my scroll this weekend. Nothing big or fancy...just a mention of her name because I will definitely count her as a positive in my life.
Emily
This was a bad, bad idea.
Bringing Nix to this fundraiser.
Except...it had been good up until this point. It had been very, very good.
The day started off oh, so nice. I had stayed at Linc' apartment with Nix Friday night. He grilled out some steaks that we enjoyed with a nice wine. We played cards for most of the night, until I made some sort of sexy noise in my throat —according to Nix —when I was trying to consider the best move for my hand. He simply threw his cards down on the table and grabbed me out of my chair. He never said a word...just fastened his lips to mine and assaulted my mouth while carrying me to his room. He shut the door on Harley when he tried to follow us in, and it was a bit distracting listening to the poor pup whine to get in.
But then Nix’s hands and mouth were all over my body and I couldn't think of another thing except of the man who was lying between my legs.
Waking up in Nix’s arms was becoming a habit to which I was becoming addicted. Saturday morning found me sprawled across his chest again, and this time he had both of his arms wrapped tightly around me. Harley was on the other side of me, so I was sandwiched in between two impossibly, gorgeous males. I lay their quietly, listening to Nix’s calm, breathing and Harley's gentle snores.
It was...domestic. And I loved it, even though it was extremely dangerous to even let my feelings move in that direction. I had to respect the boundaries and expectations that Nix and I put into place. Even though I very much wanted to throw those ridiculous boundaries out the window.
Nix and I hung around Linc' apartment all day Saturday. Toward early afternoon, I had received a very interesting phone call from my mother. We had not spoken since that night when she invited Todd to dinner with us although my dad and I had been in constant contact by both phone and email. He clearly was making a great effort to work on our relationship and I was happy to oblige.
I saw my mother's ID on the phone and warily answered. "Hello, Mother."
"Hi, Emily." She was clearly nervous and the iron tone was missing. She was...hesitant...soft.
Neither one of us said anything for a few seconds, both of us swimming in the awkward silence.
And then she said, "I wanted to...no, I need to apologize to you, Emily. I'm so sorry for pushing Todd onto you. I had no idea what had happened and I never, in a million years, would want my daughter to be with someone like that. Please believe me."
The words had poured out of her and they were drenched in pain and guilt. A sob punctuated her last sentence and my heart cracked wide for my mom. "Oh, Mother. Please, don't cry. It's okay. Honestly."
"No, Emily. It's not okay. Your dad has been talking to me and he’s made me painfully aware that I’ve been a terrible mother of late. I think I’ve just been so caught up in appearances, that I have forgotten what’s real...what’s important. But I hope you will let me work to make it up to you. You are one of the most important things in the world to me and I never should have put anything above you."
We talked on the phone for almost an hour. A record in our book. Nix sat quietly on the couch, watching college football. But his hand stayed on my thigh, stroking me lightly in support.
My mother shocked the hell out of me when she told me that her and my dad had been talking about possibly giving up their eye on the presidency. She said it was not worth any rift in our family.
I immediately tried to talk her off the ledge. I assured her we could have both if we worked at it. She said it was just something that they were talking about but they wanted to include me, Ryan, and Danny in on the conversation.
And my heart stopped.
Ryan? Danny?
I asked her what that meant. My mother sighed. "It means that you are not the only one I've wronged. I have another phone call to make after this one."
Oh, the joy. I jumped up off the couch, startling both Nix and Harley and yelled out, "Mom...I mean....Mother...that's great. I'm so happy. You're going to love Danny so much. And Ryan misses you a lot."
I was jumping up and down, dancing around the apartment when I stole a look at Nix. His full attention was on me and he was grinning at me from ear to ear.
My mother's laugh had cut in, and I remember her vaguely saying, "Mom is fine, Emily. I kind of like it now."
It truly had been a marvelous day. I was so happy after hanging up the phone with my mom that I threw myself into Nix’s arms and practically begged him to do dirty things to me. We had an amazing afternoon in his bedroom.
All too soon, it was time to get ready to go to the fundraiser.
I had brought my Monique Lhullier cocktail dress with me and Nix borrowed one of Linc's tuxedos, which thankfully they were both the same height and build.
I have to admit...Nix would look amazing in a burlap sack. Hell, I've never seen him dressed in anything other than a t-shirt and jeans, and he'd always looked edible to me. But tonight...in a tuxedo? He looked impossibly stunning. He even styled his hair a bit so it was layered back away from his forehead and temples, showcasing the beautiful lines and angles of his face. He didn't shave, which I loved. His forever look of stubble made sure no one ever forgot that Nix Caldwell was a rough man. And that was fine by me.
He was my rough man...for now.
When I came out of the bathroom after putting the finishing touches on my makeup, Nix stood there looking very nervous, holding a bouquet of flowers.
"Are those for me?" I asked, my throat dry and my eyes threatening to fill with tears.
He nodded. "I ran down to the corner grocery while you were in the shower. It seemed like a night where flowers were in order."
I took the bouquet and held them to my nose. They didn't have much fragrance but they were lovely, and they were given to me by an incredibly closed off man. The mere fact he thought to do that for me had my heart dangerously threatening to crack wide open and suck him inside.
"They're beautiful, Nix. Let me go put them in some water."
I didn't say anymore because I could tell he was nervous and I was threatening to cry. As I went to walk by him, his arm snaked around my waist, bringing me to a stop. He put his lips against my temple and said, "I've never brought flowers to a woman before, Emily. It's a first for me."
I turned my face into his and our lips met...softly, quietly. He pulled back. "I'm having a lot of 'firsts' with you."
My heart had been hammering with excitement over those words as we drove to The Waldorf-Astoria.
Yes...it had been a practically perfect day leading up to this fundraiser.
And here I stand now...in the corridor outside of the restrooms, getting ready to go in.
And Todd Fulgram is standing here with his hand on my arm. He had appeared out of the blue, with no warning.
His move was not made with aggression, and had it not been for a slightly sad air to his whole demeanor, I would have screamed my lungs out for being trapped here. But he said quietly, "Emily...I really need to talk to you...to explain my situation."
I shouldn't trust him. I should make polite excuses and walk the other way...or run into the bathroom. But his tone is different. It's not pleading, childish, threatening or arrogant in the usual Todd Fulgram way.
It is sorrowful and scared.
My heart, damned fiend that it is, says I have no choice but to stay and listen. "Okay."
He releases my arm and pushes a hand through his hair. "First, I'm sorry for coming here. But I knew you'd be here and I had to talk to you...in person."
"I'm listening," I say carefully.
Todd leads me over to an upholstered bench set against a wall in the hallway. We both sit down, our knees angled inward. He's nervous, twining his fingers around each other.
"Emily...my father is putting an incredible amount of pressure on me to get back together with you. He wants to be tied to your father by more than just money."
I nod at him. I so get that. My mother was doing the same exact thing to me.
"He's done everything from threatening to cut me off financially if I don't seal the deal with you, to kicking me out of the family. It's why I have been so frantic for you to resume our relationship."
I almost take Todd's hand in sympathy but refrain. I don't want him to think there is any hope of something there. "I'm sorry, Todd. I know what it's like to be used for gain."
He gives me a small smile of understanding. "Your mother wants the same thing for you. You understand the importance of appearances."
I nod but I'm not sure where he's going. I thought he was on the verge of apologizing, but now I'm not so sure.
Todd is silent. He has more to say, I know it. He looks around and the hallway is quite busy. He stands and pulls me up, leading me over to a corner bordered by plants and a large four foot vase with flowers. It offers a little bit of privacy. My back is to the wall and he's facing me. He looks left and right to make sure we're alone.
"That's not the worst of it, Em. I'm really desperate here and I need your help..."
Something is obviously wrong, but Todd doesn't come off threatening. He looks frightened and overwhelmed. I'm starting to feel scared for him now. "What is it, Todd? You can tell me."
He takes a deep breath, looks up at the ceiling, then down at me. His breath comes out in a whoosh. "I can't tell you everything, but I really need to have the appearance that we are together. My father cannot know I've failed at this."
"What? You want me to have a pretend relationship with you?" The idea is preposterous.
"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Look, people do it all the time. I know you don't feel anything for me, and I know you're with that other guy. If we could just act like we’re together, I don't care what you do on the side."
Okay, now Todd has gone overboard and is verging on complete idiocy. "Todd...that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. And the answer is no. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back."
I move to the left to walk past Todd but he reaches his arm out, grabbing mine. He pulls me to a halt and his grip is biting. "Emily...please listen to me. This is serious."
I laugh at him. "Nothing is so serious, Todd, that we would have a farce of a relationship. I'm sorry...find someone else to play your games."
I try to jerk out of his hold but it remains tight. And then I realize I've made a mistake by even giving Todd the time of day. I try to pull my arm out one more time, but I can't break free. I decide to go with a threat instead. "If you don't release me, Todd, I'm going to scream the house down."
That seems to work and his hold eases. "Emily," he says with overt desperation, but he lowers his voice to a harsh whisper so no one can hear. "I'm gay and I'm in big trouble if it comes out."
What. The. Hell?
I can't help it but I know the look on my face is probably a mix of horror, sadness, sympathy and anger all at once. However, before I can even say anything, movement over Todd's shoulder catches my eye and I gasp.
Nix is walking toward us...his eyes focused on Todd. His fists are clenched and pure savagery has taken his face hostage. The first thing that pops into my mind is the fact that Nix has suffered in the past from rage issues. He has wanted to rain violence down when he gets that way.
And I'm suddenly very frightened for Todd right now. I can tell by the furious mask on Nix’s face that he's witnessed the entire exchange between Todd and I. Oh, he wasn't close enough to hear what was said, but I'm sure he saw me struggling to get out of Todd's grasp.
I immediately pull my arm away and step around Todd, walking to intercept Nix. I'm scared of him...by the look on his face. He wants to kill Todd...or at the very least do severe bodily harm to him. And there is a good chance that his wrath may be inadvertently misdirected at me.
I meet Nix five paces from where Todd and I were standing. I lay my hands on his chest and quickly say, "Nix...I'm okay. He wasn't hurting me. In fact, it's not what you think at all."
Nix doesn't even look at me but continues stalking toward Todd. I, of course, have no choice but to keep my hands on his chest and now I'm walking backward to keep myself in between the two men.
Without ever taking his eyes off Todd, he says to me, "You need to get out of my way, Emily, before you get hurt. I don't have much control right now." His words are harsh and blazing with madness.
I'm terrified and I tell him. In a small voice that quavers, I say, "Nix, please. You're really scaring me."
Nix’s gait falters and then he stops in his tracks. He looks down at me and at first, there is no comprehension in his gaze. His green eyes are dark, his pupils wide. His teeth are clenched and his face is full of anger. And then...it's like my words penetrate fully, or maybe it's the look of fear on my face, because I watch amazed as the heat leaves his eyes. His forehead smoothes out and his eyes soften. I tentatively reach my hand up and lay it on his cheek.
Nix blows a deep breath out of his mouth and pulls me tight into his body. "I'm sorry," he says. "I didn’t mean to scare you. I would never hurt you, Emily. I swear."
I wrap my arms around his waist and squeeze him as if my life depended on it. "I know. I was afraid you'd hurt Todd and he doesn't deserve that."
Nix stiffens slightly but he still holds me tenderly. "What does he want?"
"Apparently, he wants a sham relationship...he says he's gay. He was just telling me about it." My voice sounds as bewildered as I feel over the concept that Todd is gay.
Nix looks over at Todd with skepticism on his face. He then looks back to me, placing his hand around my throat, his thumb stroking the front of my neck with sweet care. "Are you sure you're okay? He didn't hurt you or say anything to upset you? I saw the look on your face, Emily. You were wigged out about something."
I shake my head and lean up to kiss him softly. "Just shocked more than anything. Let me have a few minutes to talk to him some more and I'll come and find you."
"Try again. I'm not leaving you alone with him."