Out of Breath (Exposed Series Book 2) (3 page)

“Sun Chips,” I said. “I think Sun Chips are nice.”

She smiled and her eyes crinkled. “What flavor?”

“Blue. Multigrain.”

She reached for the big bag.

“Maybe we could get the smaller bags?” I looked at my feet for a
second. “Just so I um-”

“No problem,” she said. “Whatever you want.”

And even though she said it like it was no big deal, I felt like
I’d had my first little win.

On the way home I wondered why it was so easy to talk to Dawn
about my eating disorder. Not that I was doing much talking, but still.

I guess it had something to do with the fact that she worked
with crazy people for a living. So she didn’t take my problems personally, and
she knew I couldn’t fix them overnight.

But everything she said made it sound like she believed I was
already getting better. And that made me want to believe it, too.

That night, we did just what Dawn said we’d do. We ordered
salads from an Asian place down the street and watched 27 Dresses which we’d
both seen a thousand times.

“Have you ever been a bridesmaid,” I asked, shaking the last
crispy wontons on my salad.

“A few times,” Dawn said, forking some grilled chicken.

“Any cool dresses?”

She looked up and thought for a second. “Nothing that memorable.
Except once. The bride was obsessed with Tim Burton."

"The director?"

She covered her mouth while she chewed. "Yeah."

I waited for her to swallow.

"So we all had to wear these outfits that made us look like
black and white corpse dolls."

"What?"

"And we all had to draw lines on our lips so it looked like
our mouths were sewn shut.”

“Whoa.”

“I think it was supposed to be sweet. Like they would love each
other way beyond this life. Or something morbid like that.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“They’re still together.”

“How nice that they found each other.”

“I know,” she said, closing the lid on her empty salad box.

When the movie ended, Dawn told me that she’d fixed up the
guestroom for me.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I said. “I would’ve been happy on
the couch.”

“Don’t be silly. You need your own space. But I mostly use that
room for storage so you’ll have to ignore all the stuff piled in the corner.”

“Okay.”

“I cleared off the desk in there, though, so you have a place to
do your homework.”

“I might go test that out now,” I said. “I have some math to
do.”

She smiled. “Sucks to be you.”

I rolled my eyes. “I know.”

“Well I’m going to have a glass of wine and watch a few episodes
of the Walking Dead before I go to bed.” She pulled her legs up on the couch.
“If you finish your work, you’re welcome to join me.”

I wondered if the invitation extended to the wine, too, but I
didn’t ask. I didn’t want to seem like a lush after she’d been so nice about
letting me stay when she knew how fucked up I was.

“Thanks, but I think I’ll just go to bed.”

“Okay. Well make yourself at home and let me know if you need
anything.”

“I will. Goodnight.”

“Sweet dreams, Kate. See you in the morning.”

That night, as I laid in the guestroom of my mysterious Aunt’s
north side apartment, I was really impressed with myself. My stomach wasn’t
growling from emptiness, and it wasn’t sore from being stretched. And I wasn’t
tired because I was in a food coma or because I was exhausted from binging and
purging.

I was just tired from being called out and fighting the urge to
binge all day. But I made it. I made it through the day. And if I could do it
once, maybe I could do it again.

After all, if I was mentally tough enough to start making myself
do something as awful as binging and purging, maybe I was strong enough to stop
doing it, too.

And even though I knew I had a long way to go, for the first
time in a long time, I had hope.

“Dawn?”

“Yeah, Tina. It’s me.”

“I wasn’t expecting to hear from you so soon.”

“I know.”

“Gosh, the line is so clear. It sounds like you’re right next to
me.”

“Actually, I’m right below you.”

“What?”

“I’m at the coffee place in your building.”

“I thought your flight was yesterday?”

“It was. I just didn’t get on it.”

“Is everything okay? Are you-”

“I’m fine.” I held the corner of my cranberry scone and willed
myself not to break it until I got off the phone.

“So..?”

“I had a surprise visitor on Saturday night before I was
supposed to leave.”

“If you missed your flight because of some booty call I swear to-”

“It wasn’t a booty call.”

“Well then who-”

“Kate. It was Kate.”

“Kate?” She was quiet for a second. “Like Kate Kate.”

“Yeah.”

“Give me five minutes.”

Tina arrived in a tailored three piece suit so I knew right away
she was going to be in serious business mode. She walked up to the table and
pointed to the extra coffee and the brown paper bag that she didn’t yet know
contained a piece of carrot cake.

“Is that for me?”

“If you want it.”

“Great.” She pulled out the chair opposite me and sat down. “So.
Your epic trip. I guess it’s on hold then?”

I shrugged. “Kate wants to stay with me for a while.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Flattered, I guess.”

Tina leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs. “Did she say
why?”

“She’s having some problems.”

“What kind of problems?”

“Mostly normal teenage problems,” I said. “But it’s been hard on
Carol.”

“I see.”

“She and Fred were thinking of sending Kate to some school out
East where she could be watched more closely.”

“Jesus. Is it that serious?”

“I don’t think so.”

“So she’s going to stay with you instead?”

I covered my mouth so Tina wouldn’t get an eyeful of scone. “I
already told her she could stay.”

Tina pinched her chin. “Wow, Dawn. That’s a lot. Are you sure
you feel up to that? In your… intimate apartment. And health wise?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. A few days ago I felt well enough to
go gallivanting in South America with strangers and long bus journeys and
questionable medical care.”

“I’m not saying I ever thought that was a good idea,” she said.
“And I’m not saying that I’m not thrilled to have more time with you.” Tina
swallowed. “Cause I am. But this sounds pretty complicated and you tend to-”

“Run away from stuff?”

“Your words, not mine.”

“Don’t get me wrong, Tina. I was completely panicked when she
showed up at my place the other night.”

“Understandable.”

“But I think she needs me.” I licked my finger and dabbed at
some scone crumbs. “She was so grateful when I said she could stay.”

“You barely know her.”

I shrugged.

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” She took the lid off
her latte and took a sip. “This isn’t exactly going to make your life easier.”

“I know that, but I’ve been making selfish decisions my whole
life. Maybe it’s time for a change.”

“Is minding a troubled teenager really how you want to spend
your last…” She glanced down at the table and cleared her throat. “Your time?”

“I don’t know. We had fun yesterday.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m so glad that you’ve thought this
through.” 

I sighed.

She tilted her head. “What do you want to come out of this?”

“I don’t know. Something better?”

“Something better.”

“Well we had no relationship before yesterday.”

Tina peeled the icing layer off the top of her carrot cake.

“Come on. You have to admit that it’s strange that she showed up
the night before I was supposed to leave?”

“Strange? Yes. A sign from the cosmos? No.”

I took a sip of my drink and licked the sweet foam off my top
lip.

Her eyes stopped sparkling for a second. “Look, it’s not that I don’t
like kids-”

I laughed. “That’s a lie.”

“Well you didn’t like them either until what? 24 hours ago?”

“She’s not a kid. She’s a teenager.”

Tina threw her hands up. “Oh joy. Even better.”

I squinted at her. “Aren’t you even a bit curious to meet her?”

Her eyes softened. “Maybe a little.” She looked around for a
moment and broke a piece of cake off with her manicured fingers. “I just don’t
want you to get hurt, Dawn. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

“Why does anyone have to get hurt?”

“Somebody always gets hurt.”

“Even if that were true I’m going to die anyway.”

She flinched.

“How much worse could it get?”

“I don’t know.” She twisted her wedding ring. “But do you really
want to find out?”

“I think it will be worse for everyone if I back out now.”

“Well there’s your answer.”

“I guess I already knew what I wanted to do.”

“Of course you did or you wouldn’t have asked for my opinion.”
She shook her head. “Honestly, I don’t even know why you run stuff by me. You
always end up doing what you want anyway.”

I smiled. “Thanks for understanding. You’re the best.”

“Dawn?”

“Yeah?”

“Does Carol know that you’re not just helping out to be polite?
Does she know what this means to you? To have family around right now?”

I looked down at the table and ran my fingers along the fake
wood grain. “I don’t think so.”

“You need to tell her.”

“I don’t want her to worry.”

“Not good enough.”

“I’ll tell her,” I said. “I know I need to tell her.”

“And one other thing,” she said, checking the absurdly small face
of her thin gold watch.

“Shoot.”

“Don’t put all your eggs in the Kate basket.”

“What are you talking about?”

“What I mean is that I know it’s exciting to spend time with her
and be there for her. But she has her own life, and you need to respect that.”

“I know.”

“I just thought I’d mention it because you seem to have
forgotten that you closed your practice and gave away your cat so you could go
on the trip of a lifetime.”

“Yeah.”

“So you have to find some meaning outside of her. For both your
sakes. Make a bucket list or something.”

“I don’t think I have time for a whole list.”

“Well at least do some things you’ve always wanted to do.”

My mind drew a blank.

She stuck her finger in the air. “Like you’re always saying
you’d like to do one of those nude drawing classes.”

“Yeah…”

“And you’ve always wanted to go to the ballet.”

“Some bucket list so far,” I said. “So glad you mentioned it.”

“And you used to talk about wanting to write a book."

"Did I?"

"Yeah. About your sexual adventures and what you learned
from them after you read that other book. What was it?”

“Advice to a Young Wife from an Old Mistress.”

“No, that’s not it.”

“No. That is it, and you’re totally busted.”

“My bad.”

“I bought you a copy of it and everything!”

“I just haven’t had the time.”

“You get emails that are longer than that book!”

“Okay. I suck. Can we get back to the point for a second?”

“The point is no one wants to read some single, past-their-prime
Cancer statistics’ opinions on sex and relationships.”

“Not true. In fact, that’s exactly what’s popular right now.”

“You’re so full of it.”

“I am.” She smoothed her hair back towards her low bun. “But the
only reason it’s not is because you haven’t written the damn thing.”

“Who’s going to read it, Tina?”

“Me.”

I laughed. “Well in that case, I’ll get right on it.”