Out of Breath (Exposed Series Book 2) (7 page)

“Oh?”

“If you wait for some guy to come along and show you where all
your buttons are, it’s going to be a long time and a lot of guys before you
have any sex worth having.”

“I see.”

“But if you want to have good sex sooner -like your friend- all
you have to do is figure out what you like and learn how to ask for it.”

She drained her tea and put it down on her empty plate. “And
then I have to find someone who actually gives a shit about me.”

“Yeah. But in the meantime, you have a choice. You can have
plenty of safe sex with yourself or you can suffer through lousy sex with
immature boys who think that if it feels good to them, it must feel good to
you.”

She sighed.

“Have you heard that quote
Sex is like pizza
?”

“No.”

“It’s something like
Sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad,
it’s still pretty good
.”

She put her feet back on the floor. “Let me guess. A guy said
that?”

“My point exactly.”

She stood to clear her plate. “Thanks for breakfast.”

“Was that enough for you?”

“Yeah, perfect.”

“I got it,” I said, taking her plate from her. “You think you
have plenty of energy to masturbate then if you want to?”

She shook her head. “Jesus, Dawn.”

“Masturbating isn’t embarrassing,” I said, putting the dishes in
the sink. “Embarrassing is being naked with a guy and not knowing what the heck
you like.”

“I can’t handle this conversation anymore,” she said, stepping
into the hallway.

I could tell by the exhaustion in her voice that she was headed back
to bed.

“Oh I see,” I called after her. “You’re pretending you’re just
going back to bed. Nice cover. I’ll make sure to turn up the volume on the TV.”

“I’m not going to masturbate!” she yelled just before swinging her
door shut.

I turned back to the dirty dishes and laughed.

I knew she hadn’t run back to her room to touch herself. But
that didn’t matter. What mattered was that sooner or later, she would try it.
And not only would it make her feel good, it might help her feel good with
other people. Which could only be a good thing.

And to think the day’s lesson was going to be how to poach eggs
in the microwave.

Even though smoking weed had become a regular part of our
meetings, Kevin and I somehow managed to plan a few activities for the frosh
retreat.

We kept it simple and Googled team building activities that
would keep the pressure off the kids. God forbid they had to come up with their
own ways to feel awkward around each other. Then we eliminated any activities
where anyone could get hurt if they were as unengaged as we were on our
freshman retreat day. Like the trust fall.

I was a little distracted the last day we got together though,
because it was the first time I’d ever been in his room. I figured we would
chill on the back porch like we usually did. But his little brother had some
friends over, and they were playing cops and robbers in the backyard.

So his room was the only place we would be able to get any work
done. Otherwise, we risked unending invitations to play princesses, put
batteries in toys, make snacks, or just listen to children rant until they
figured out what it was that they wanted exactly.

Not that he wasn’t good with his siblings. On the contrary, he
was totally adorable with them. In fact, that was one of the things I liked best
about him. He had developed this Zen ability to chill in the midst of chaos which
I both envied and found fascinating. He just didn’t take things seriously. Like
he wasn’t too cool to let his sister draw a unibrow on him or pull his little
brother’s finger.

My favorite thing about him, though, was how cute he was when he
found something really funny. He would crack up and make this face like he
couldn’t believe he could laugh so hard. Then he would catch himself and calm
down right away. I’m not sure why, but something about how self-conscious he
got when he forgot himself in front of me filled me with warmth. Especially
when it was because of something I said.

Anyway, when we went in his room, the first thing he did was
clear off a chair for me by picking up everything that was on it and dropping
it in the corner. Then he closed the door, locked it, and threw a towel down in
front of it. Initially, I figured he was just trying to block out the noise.
But when he slid a black metal box out from under the bed and lifted it into
his lap, I knew he was up to something.

Even though the box obviously had his stash in it, he kind of
acted like he didn’t want me to see what was in there. So I busied myself by
running my fingers along the strings of his guitar. It must have been his most
prized possession because it was the only thing in the room that didn’t have
anything laid or stacked on top of it.

When I heard him slide the box back under the bed, I turned back
around. He was holding a packed bowl and something else I had never seen
before.

“What’s that?” I asked, pointing to the contraption. It was a
cardboard toilet paper roll, but it had something wrapped around one end.

“It’s to keep it from smelling like weed in here.” He placed the
bowl and the thingy on his nightstand and opened the window over his bedside
table.

I pulled the chair across from where he was sitting on his bed
and extended my hand towards the thingy.

He passed it to me.

He watched me as I turned it over in my hands. I lifted it up to
examine the covered end and got a whiff of clean laundry. “Are those… dryer
sheets?”

“Yeah.” 

“Huh.” I handed it back to him.

He raised his eyebrows. “Watch.”

He took a small hit before covering the bowl so it would stop
smoking. Then he lifted the open end of the thingy up to his mouth and kept his
eyes on me as he blew the smoke out. Soon I was engulfed me in a white cloud of
fragrant air that stayed together as it drifted out the open window.

“Well?” he asked, “What do you think?”

“Genius,” I said. “What do you call it?”

“I call it…” He held it out at arms’ length and looked it for a
second, furrowing his thick brows. “Trying to not get grounded.”

I smiled.

He handed it to me.

I did exactly as I had seen him do and blew into the open end of
the thingy until my lungs were empty and he was draped in white smoke.

“You love it,” he said.

“Is it that obvious?”

He nodded. “You’re whole face lit up like it was Christmas morning.”

“What can I say? You really know how to impress a girl.” I
blushed. What was my problem? Was I just giddy from being in his room? Had
breathing in the dryer sheet fumes made me stupid?

With every hit I began to feel more ridiculous. How could I be
having so much fun with this monosyllabic mystery boy? Either I was a Kevin
crazy fool or the weed was amazing.

As he cashed the bowl into his hand and tipped the ash out the
window, I suddenly felt like my crush was too big. Like there was nowhere that
it could hide in the tiny space. I felt like I had to say or do something that
would distract me from the fact that my chest felt like it was opening up and
trying to swallow the room.

“So I’m pretty pleased with what we’ve done so far,” I said,
reaching in my bag for my lip gloss.

“What we’ve done so far?”

“Sorry. What we’ve planned for the retreat.” I hoped my lips
would look extra shiny and irresistible when he was high, but he was keeping
his cards close to his chest. I couldn’t tell if he liked me back or if my
glossing was in vain.

“Oh. Right.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his
knees.

I felt too fucked up to have his big hands so close to me,
pointing at me like that. In such an intimate space. And his eyes were so big
and dark. I felt like if I didn’t grip the chair with one hand, I might slip
and fall into them.

“Plus, these sorts of group activities always take longer than
you think,” I said, talking out of my ass.

“Right.”

I felt a lump rise from my chest and stick in my throat.

“So which activity do you think we should do first,” he said,
leaning back on his hands.

“One of the icebreakers?” I suggested, looking everywhere but
his lap.

“Yeah, but which one?”

“Two Truths and a Lie always goes down well.”
And it was the
first one I could think of.

“How does that one go again?”

“Like I would say three facts about myself...”

He nodded.

“For example, I play lacrosse, E.L Fudge Cookies are my
favorite, and I love The Beatles.”

He smiled. “Well I already know you play lacrosse, and everyone
loves The Beatles.”

“It was just an example.”

“I’m dying to know what your problem with E.L Fudge Cookies are
though?”

“I don’t have a problem with them at all. They’re just not my
favorite.”

“Oohh,” he said, rolling his eyes. “What’s your favorite then?”

“Rainbow Chip Cookies.”

He laughed. “So you’re baked then?”

I felt my cheeks grow warm at the thought of my three
unremarkable facts. “Your turn.”

“I get how it works.”

“Still. Come on. It’s only fair.”

“Okay, Okay.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Let me think
for a second.”

I folded my arms and leaned back in my chair.

“Okay I got it,” he said, “but you have to come sit here.”

“On your bed?”

He patted the spot next to him. “Yeah.”

I stood up and sat facing him on the bed, anchoring myself to
the floor with one foot.

“Now close your eyes.”

I squinted at him. “Wait. Are we still playing Two Truths and a
Lie?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I’m a terrible liar, though. So you have to close
your eyes or you’ll be able to tell when I’m lying just by looking at my face.”

I tilted my head.

“And it will ruin the game.”

“Okay.”

“And if you sit here I’ll be able to see if you’re cheating.”

I sighed. Maybe I was wrong about him. Maybe he did take things
too seriously.

“Close your eyes.”

“Oh, right.” I closed my eyes and tried not to smile even though
I was suddenly in the dark -in bed- with Kevin. I took a deep breath. “I’m
ready.”

“Promise me you won’t open your eyes.”

“I promise. Jeez.”

“Okay.” He exhaled and I felt the bed sink with his heavy sigh.
“I can play Stairway to Heaven on my guitar, I’m afraid of horses, and I really
want to kiss you right now.”

I tried to purse my lips, but I couldn’t keep the smile from
spreading across my face.

“I’ll give you a hint,” he said, his voice growing quieter. “One
of the truths is that I’m afraid of horses.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I got thrown off one when I was little, and I’ve been
traumatized ever since.”

“Huh.” It took all my energy to keep my eyes squeezed shut. I
swallowed. “I don’t know.” I could feel his eyes on me as I tried to find my
voice. “Which is the lie?”

“You don’t want to guess?”

I shook my head.

He laid his thumb on my bottom lip.

I froze.

He dragged his thumb across my lip, wiping my lip gloss off and
leaving my naked, parted mouth exposed.

My heart fluttered.

Then his face moved in so close to mine I could feel his warm
breath on my mouth as he whispered.

“I can’t play Stairway to Heaven.”

His lips landed on mine so softly at first I wondered if I was
imagining it. But a moment later his tongue gave away how much he wanted me. It
was easy to keep my eyes closed after that.

I slipped my arms over his shoulders and buried my hands in his
thick curls. He grabbed my thighs and pulled me into his lap until there was no
space left between us.

And he didn’t stop kissing me. And he didn’t try anything else. He
just held me and kissed me like it was the main event, like kissing me was all
he could’ve thought to ask or hope for. And in that moment, I felt like the
sexiest woman on Earth.

Later that night when I was waiting for sleep, I found myself
thinking about the kiss again. I thought about the way Kevin’s lips melted
against mine and how his warm tongue tasted in my mouth.

And I kept thinking about it as I stuck my hand in the space
between my thighs and laid my fingers against me, as I rubbed myself until the
heat in my body was concentrated in one place. And I didn’t stop until I felt
myself tense up like I was squeezing him inside me.