Out of Breath (Exposed Series Book 2) (2 page)

“I’m definitely not a danger to myself and others.”

“And Chris?”

“I admit that I sometimes set a bad example for him, but it’s
not like he pays attention to me. He’s busy doing his own thing with his
girlfriend and marching band all the time. He could care less what I’m up to.”

“I see.” Dawn pulled into the McDonald’s parking lot and got in
the drive thru line.

“It’s not like I’m trying to throw my life away, you know? I
actually do care about my future and my grades and stuff.” I took a deep
breath. “A lot.”

“Well I talked to your Mom last night.”

“What did she say?”

“She was relieved that you were alright and offered to come get
you right away.”

I felt my eyes grow big and turned to look at her. “Then what?”

“I said you were already asleep and told her that you could stay
with me for a while if she thought it would be good for you guys.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Thanks.” I felt so happy I could cry. I wanted to give her a
big hug, but with our seat belts on and with her being so calm, I decided to
play it cool.

“But you can only stay if you promise not to put me through the
same shit you’ve been putting your parents through.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean no more lies, Kate. I don’t have the time or the energy
these days for teenage bullshit.”

I nodded.

“So you don’t bullshit me, and I won’t bullshit you. Do you
understand?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I understand.”

But I had no idea what I was signing up for.

Part of me wanted to go easy on her.

She was obviously going through a lot. And she hardly knew me.

But she didn’t need a friend as much as she needed some tough
love. And my whole body was telling me that I was the person who could help
her. Fred and Carol loved her, of course, but Kate couldn’t see the love in
their toughness anymore. She needed the support of someone she could respect
and trust.

I thought I could be that for her.

My plane to South America would have been taking off around the
time she started breaking the edges off her greasy hash brown. Now that she was
so close, it made me sick to think that I’d planned to disappear without saying
goodbye. What was I thinking? I never would’ve seen her again.

As I studied her face while she ate her bacon, egg & cheese
biscuit, I realized I was getting a second chance. To do things differently. To
make a difference. I would help Kate and in doing so, I would help Carol, too.
And maybe if I was lucky, I could leave a different legacy after all.

It was what was best for everybody. Including me.

“Thanks,” she said, blotting the edges of her mouth with a paper
napkin. “That was delicious.”

“I’m glad you liked it. I know I probably should’ve taken you
somewhere nicer since we haven-”

“No. It was perfect.”

I smiled. “Trash,” I said, holding the paper bag open.

Once she’d put all her garbage in the bag, I rolled the top
closed and placed it on the floor in the back seat. Then I cleared my throat.

She looked across at me.

“There’s something else I want to talk to you about,” I said,
“before you decide if you want to move in.”

“What?”

“Your Mom told me about another problem you’ve been having that
you didn’t mention earlier.”

Kate swallowed.

I took a deep breath, knowing I needed to tread carefully. “I’m
not going to tell you what you’re thinking right now because nobody likes to be
told what their thinking.”

She nodded.

“But I would guess that there’s a good chance you’re having at
least two thoughts right now. The first one being how yummy that was…”

She pursed her lips.

“And the second being how guilty you feel for eating such a high
calorie breakfast.”

She shrugged. “Doesn’t everyone feel that way after they eat McDonald’s?”

I smiled. “Yeah,” I said. “Everyone does. But most people don’t
deal with it by eating even more and then making themselves throw up.”

Shallow pools formed in the bottom of her eyes. 

“I know this is hard for you to talk about, but it’s going to be
impossible to get better if you don’t.”

A single tear rolled over her cheekbone.

I cleared my throat. “So let’s talk about your…  
tapeworm
for a second…”

She furrowed her brow.

“It’s the tapeworm that encourages you to overeat, right?”

She tilted her head at me. It was obvious that she wasn’t sure whether
she wanted to humor me and my analogy.

“But if you didn’t listen to it, you wouldn’t overeat. And you
wouldn’t have to make yourself sick.”

Her expression sagged.

“So here’s the deal. I can’t afford to feed you
and
your
tapeworm. And my plumbing can’t support both of you either. Not on top of the
strain the diaper lady upstairs already puts on the system.”

A smile broke through her sad face for a moment.

“But if you’ll trust me- if you’ll try- I will do everything I
can to help you beat this thing.”

She wiped her nose on the back of her hand.

“You don’t have to fight this on your own, Kate.”

I knew she could hear me, but she stayed completely still. 

“You don’t have to hurt yourself anymore.”

She pushed up onto her knees and draped her arms over my
shoulders.

I hugged her back awkwardly over the console of my car, putting
one hand on the back of her head and the other around her side. 

“I don’t want to hurt myself anymore,” she whispered, still
holding on to me.

“I know.”

She slid back into her seat and rolled her eyes towards the
ceiling, wiping the last of her tears with the cuffs of her shirt. 

“So here’s the plan.”

She pursed her lips.

“We’ll eat healthily for the rest of the day so we don’t have to
feel guilty about our breakfast. How does that sound? We’ll have a nice salad
for dinner or something.”

“Okay.”

“And we’ll just take it one bite at a time, one day at a time.”

Kate sighed and sunk into her seat.

“Sorry to overwhelm you.” I turned the key in the ignition. “I
know being honest can be exhausting, but it’ll get easier. I promise. And
you’ll sleep better at night. You’ll see.”

She leaned her elbow on the window ledge and rested her chin in
her hand. 

“If you’re going to help me, does that mean I don’t have to go see
Nadine again?”

“Who’s Nadine?”

“The shrink my Mom made me go to after she found out.”

“Was talking to her helpful?”

“I don’t know,” Kate said out the window. “I didn’t really like
it. She made me feel crazy.”

“I see.”

“I don’t think she’s a bad person or anything, though.”

“Of course not.”

“I’m just trying to be honest,” she said. “Cause I want to stay
with you. And that’s the rule.”

I was glad she thought my asking for honesty was reasonable and
fair. Which reminded me. It was time I tell Carol what was really going on.

I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t binge and purge after
eating McDonald’s. I must have been in junior high. After all, I’d considered
eating fast food a one way, nonnegotiable ticket straight to gorge town ever
since I started making myself sick Freshman year.

But Dawn didn’t give me the opportunity.

It wasn’t like she was stalking me like my Mom did. It was just
that her apartment was literally too small for me to disappear into the
bathroom unnoticed. Plus, there wasn’t even any food to binge on. In fact,
shortly after we got back from breakfast, she realized how bare her cabinets
were and suggested we go to the grocery store together so I could pick out some
things I liked.

We went to the regular grocery store where single people that
meal plan and budget go. Not Costco where my Mom shopped, where things came in
packages so big you could eat two pounds of Cheez-Its before you even made a
dent in the box.

I tried to think of a few foods I liked because I appreciated
her going out of her way to get me some things. But it was weird. I didn’t know
what I liked anymore. I mean, I knew what foods I liked to binge on.

In fact, I could probably organize a special grocery store just
for bulimics…

When you walked in, there wouldn't be produce. Instead, there
would just be lots of carbohydrates. Bagels, donuts, potato chips, cookies,
pies, cakes, Pop Tarts, and cupcakes would be stacked everywhere. There would
be an aisle just for chocolate and peanut butter and an aisle with juice and
soda. The cereal aisle could stay just as it was. So could the frozen food
section.

After all, nothing beat binging while the next round of food
cooked itself. So pizza, french fries, Hot Pockets, and Eggos would all get
plenty of shelf space. Oh -and Toaster Strudels! Ughh. I mean, seriously, why
do those come in packs of two when they are so flaky and delicious? And why
don't all foods come with their own packet of icing? Anyway, finally, there
would have to be a large dairy section devoted to foods that were cooling on
the throat. Like milk and ice cream. 

But I knew that wasn’t what Dawn wanted to hear. She wasn’t
asking me what foods I liked to eat and throw up. She was asking me what foods I
liked to eat and keep down.

The answer? Nothing.

As far as I was concerned, food was the enemy, and it was hard
to admit liking any of it enough to let it pass through my system. I mean, I had
been obsessing about breakfast every minute since I swallowed my last bite. All
I could think about was the fact that I was absorbing around eight hundred
calories of biscuit, hash brown, and OJ.

“Surely there are some things you like to snack on?” she asked
again as she pushed the cart around the store.

“Baby carrots?” I said, having learned the hard way that they were
much easier to keep down than the alternative.

“With hummus?”

“Ehh.”

“I love hummus,” she said, putting it in the cart. “What else?”

“Grapes.”

“Green or red?”

“Green?”

“Nice,” she said, placing a bunch in the cart. “Me, too. Have
you ever tried freezing them? Amazing.”

I clasped my hands behind my back as I watched her count and bag
tomatoes.

To be honest, I was excited at the prospect of not having access
to binge foods or a place where I could binge. I was also completely terrified.
Sure I’d made it a few hours, but I wasn’t better. The
tapeworm
(had she
seriously called it that?!) was still niggling at me the whole time I was in
the store.

Like if I’d been by myself, I would’ve bought the French Silk
Pie we’d passed in the bakery section and eaten the whole thing. Then I would
have gotten rid of the evidence before going home to get rid of the pie. Maybe
Dawn was right. Maybe there was a monster inside me.

“You know you don’t have to get just healthy stuff,” she said as
she turned down the snack aisle. “There must be something you like as a special
treat.”

I looked around.

“Personally, I’ve been trying to go easy on processed foods
lately, but I cannot live without Honey Braided Twists.”

“The pretzels?”

She nodded.

“Those are nice.”

“So that’s my pick,” she said, grabbing them off the shelf. “Your
go.”

For a moment, I felt paralyzed by the overwhelming array of
colors and chip shapes. No matter where I looked, I saw foods I didn’t trust
myself to eat in moderation, snacks that were just too…
moreish
.

Sensing my anxiety, Dawn looked around to see if we were alone
in the aisle before leaning in and speaking softly.

“Kate, having an eating disorder isn’t like being an alcoholic.
You can’t avoid your drug of choice. The only way you can make peace with food
is by learning to enjoy it in a healthy way. And that takes practice.”

I huffed air out from between my lips.

“The only way to keep yourself from overeating is by giving
yourself a little treat here and there. Does that make sense?”

I nodded.

“Cravings don’t go away. They either get satisfied or they get
worse. But it doesn’t take much to satisfy a craving.” She gave me a gentle
nudge. “Small indulgences are how you keep yourself from going off the rails.”