Painted Lines (19 page)

Chapter
32

After
getting directions, I quickly arrived at his apartment complex. When I turned
into the parking lot I saw Thayne standing out there waiting for me.  I pulled
up beside him and took him all in; he was standing there barefoot and shirtless
only wearing a pair of beat up jeans, I sighed, damn, he looked good.  I turned
off Stella and looked at him, and he smiled at me.

“Rough
night, Bella?”

I
nodded and felt the tears gather again.  He stepped forward and opened his
arms, and I launched myself off the bike and into his arms.

“Shhh,
Bella,” he whispered and led me up to his apartment holding me against his
side.

When
the door clicked, I pulled away and looked at the sparsely furnished
apartment.  “Nice,” I murmured, wiping the tears from my face.

He
shrugged, “It’s not home but it works for now.”

I
nodded, “Yeah I understand, not sure if I miss home or not though.”

“Want
some coffee?”

“Yeah,”
I said softly, “where’s Nikki?”

“She’s
over at a friend’s for the night, they met in the laundry room, and have been besties
ever since.”

I
laughed, “Besties, really?”

He
sighed. “I spend a lot of time with a teenage girl.”

“Mmhmm,”
I giggled.

“So
want to tell me what happened?”

I
looked down at the floor and felt my rage begin to build again.  “Fight with
Cas,” I bit out.

“Figured,
want to tell what about?”

I
bit my lip and sucked my lip rings into my mouth releasing them with a pop over
and over.  I finally looked at him and he was waiting there patiently for me to
decide.

“Cas
has decided he’s getting married,” I seethed, “and moving to Tennessee.”

He
shrugged.  “Okay, so he moves.  I know it’s not ideal but there are these
things called airplanes, you’d still see each other.”

“Mmm,
but he’s ordering me to move with him.  You see he can’t leave his crazy little
sister to live her own life, so therefore he has to drag her with him so he can
live his.”

“What?”
he breathed.  “What about your shop, your plans?”

“They
don’t matter, he’s not going to continue to give up his life just so he can
babysit me, so I get to give mine up.” I looked at him and blinked the tears
away.  “Why can’t he see that I want him to live his life, that I want him to
be happy, and that I want to live my life, why can’t he see that?”  I cried.

“I
don’t know, Bella,” he said quietly.

“Then
after that bombshell, he told me that…” I sobbed and quickly covered my face
with my hands, “He said it was my fault, it was my fault that he raped me. 
That I didn’t fight, that I just let him do that to me, that I let him hurt me
like that, to take so much from me.  That I didn’t fight back, I fought back, I
fought back till I bled.  I screamed until I couldn’t anymore, why doesn’t he
understand that?  I didn’t want him to rape me, I fought each time, but I was
chained to the bed and he was so much stronger.”

“Scout,”
he whispered, “Bella, look at me.”

I
slowly let my hands fall and looked at him waiting for the look of pity or
disgust only it wasn’t there.

“Scout,
I know you fought.  You fight every day, Bella, and he was wrong,” he told me
walking over slowly so he was standing in front of me.  “Scout, you are so
strong, so, so strong, and you didn’t ask for what happened to happen.  It
wasn’t your fault.”

I
cocked my head and looked at him.  “That’s what they all say, then they look at
me with pity, they treat me differently, like I am weak.  I don’t want to be
weak anymore, that’s why I change things.”

“Change
things?”

“Mmm
things that remind me, he told me he liked my face so I changed it.  He said he
loved my hair so I dye it.  I can’t look at my body without seeing him there. 
He took so much, Thayne.  Do you understand?  He took so much from me, he
didn’t just take my virginity from me, he ripped away my innocence, and he
ripped away my future.  How do I live with that?  I can’t forget I’ve been
trying for the last seven years to forget, and I can’t,” I cried.

“Oh
Bella,” he murmured, “I wish I could tell you that it will all be okay, that
one day you will forget, but I can’t.  I won’t lie to you, you’ll never get rid
of the scars he left, but you can overshadow them with the good memories.”

“I’m
so tired,” I whispered, “so tired of holding this in, it’s like I can’t
breathe, and no one wants to know, they want to keep it all buried, but it
hurts, Thayne.”

“Scout,
you can tell me anything, okay, anything.”

“Did
you know that Ace isn’t my father?” I asked looking away.  “They all lied to
me, for years they lied to me.  Oh poor Scout, she can’t hear the truth it
might break her.  Oh poor Scout, it’s best that we lie to her, until the one
person who isn’t supposed to want to hurt her does.  Then he does his best, and
damn if he doesn’t do a great job at it.  He was right too, I mean, the man I
thought was my father doesn’t want me, and the man who is my father doesn’t
want me, so why am I bothering to think you or anyone else might ever want me?”

“Scout,
you’re not making a lot of sense here.”

“Matt
is my father apparently.  I found out tonight, but everyone else has known for
years, they just didn’t think I deserved to know.”

“Oh
fuck,” he breathed.

“I
fuck everyone’s lives up apparently, maybe it would have been better if I had
died with my mom, but then again I fucked that up too, didn’t I?  I mean, hell,
I killed her.  Ace hated that I lived, I fucked up Cas’s life, my real father
didn’t want me. He felt like he could use me and hurt me, what the fuck’s the
point, Thayne?  Maybe you should go away before I destroy you too, your life
will be better off without me around.”

“Scout,”
he breathed.

“Did
you know he cut his initials into my body?  He wanted to make sure I never
forgot the fun we had,” I laughed.  “Like I could ever forget that, huh, I was
stupid for trying too.  Well at least I can’t pass on my brand of stupidity to
the next generation, huh?  I was left with one dream, and now that dream is
being taken away, so what the fuck is the point anymore?”

“Scout,”
he whispered, “what are you talking about?”

“Hmm?”
I responded.

“What
dream was taken?”

“Oh,
I wanted to be a mommy.  I know stupid dream for a tomboy, but I wanted it, had
always wanted it.  I never had a mom and the idea of being someone else’s was
amazing.  Only he took that dream away along with everything else, I mean look
at me, who would want me now, scarred, crazy, stupid, and can’t give them
babies.”

“Scout,”
he whispered then wrapped me in his arms and let me cry.  He let me cry and
didn’t try to fix it, just held me rocking us back and forth and let me be.

“I’m
sorry for dumping this on you,” I finally whispered.

“Mia
Bella, you have nothing to be sorry about,” he whispered back.

We
stood in his living room, and I let him hold me because I wasn’t strong enough
to do it myself anymore, and I cried.

Chapter
33

I
pulled back so I could see Thayne.  “Thank you,” I murmured.

He
wiped my cheeks with his thumb looking down into my eyes, “For what Bella?”

“For
looking at me like that,” I whispered.

“And
how am I looking at you, Bella?”

I
shook my head slightly, “I can’t describe it.”

He
leaned close to my ear, “Like I am falling in love with you?” he whispered.

I
inhaled sharply at his words, “I…I don’t know,” I stuttered out.

“I
am you know,” he murmured so close to my ear that his lips brushed it with
every word, “have been for a while now.”

“Oh,”
I breathed.

“I
don’t expect or even want you to say it back until you’re ready, Bella, I just
wanted you to know,” he murmured then kissed the soft sensitive skin behind my
ear lightly.  “So beautiful,” he whispered, “Mia Bella. I don’t want to rush
you, Scout,” he continued.  “I just wanted you to know, I needed you to know
that.”

I
nodded and he stepped back.  “How about that coffee?” he asked and I nodded
again.

I
sat curled up on the couch slowly nursing the cup of coffee, watching Thayne
who sat on the other end.  I was confused, and a bit lost with everything that
had happened today.  I had people I needed to talk to.  There were certain
people who had answers to give, but I just couldn’t deal with anymore today.

“Why
do you call me Mia Bella?” I asked breaking the quiet.

“Because
that’s what you are, my beautiful.”

“Oh,”
I said and went back to my thoughts.

“Do
you not like it?” he asked a few moments later.

I
shook my head. “It’s not that, it’s just that you started calling me that and I
never really thought anything about it…” I trailed off.

“Until
now?” he finished my thought.

“Yeah.”

“So,”
he said.

“So,”
I repeated.

“What
are you going to do?”

“I
don’t know, talk to them.”  I shrugged trying to make it seem simple, when we
knew it wasn’t.

“I’m
leaving Ace & Lace,” he told me, “as soon as this is finished.  I would
leave now but I have Nikki to think about.”

I
nodded, “The show.”

“The
show,” he agreed.  “The shop gets one third of our winnings the rest is being
split between us.”

“Where
are you going to go?”

“Well,
I heard of this shop in San Diego, and I was going to see if they needed an
artist.”

I
looked over at him, “Are you serious?”

“Well,
yeah,” he said looking at me nervously, “see there’s this girl, and I don’t
want to lose her, since she’s in San Diego and I will be jobless soon, I
thought I would give the city a try.”

“You
are thinking of moving so you can be closer to me?”

“Well,
it’s not just that, I can’t get another job where I live, there isn’t another
shop, and I refuse to work for them.  So I am moving anyway you look at it, why
not go someplace I have connections?”

“What
about Nikki?”

“She’s
fine with it, we talked about it already.”

“She’s
fine with uprooting her life?”

“No,
that is going to suck, but she understands I have to work, and while I can work
on cars, I prefer bikes, so that means leaving.”

“You
could go to a restoration shop or something like that.”

“I
could, but I like designing.  I like the creative side I won’t get there.”

“I
don’t know what to think.”

“Then
don’t, not tonight, this is something we can talk about later.”

I
nodded, but still couldn’t get it out of my head, Thayne living in the same
city as me, having him close.  I knew it should scare me that after just a few
weeks he was talking about such a drastic change.  Only it didn’t, it made me
happy.  The thought of him so close that this could become something more.

“I
think I like the idea of you living there,” I whispered.

He
smiled at me, “You can’t stop thinking, can you?”

“Nope,”
I told him and leaned over putting my coffee cup on the table then scooted
across the couch so I could lean against him.

He
put his arm around me.  “Hi there,” he murmured before leaning down slowly and
gently brushing his lips against mine.  He added more pressure and I opened for
him, allowing him to sweep his tongue across my bottom lip before tangling his
tongue with mine.  The kiss started gentle but quickly escalated into deep and
passionate.  He left no recess of my mouth unexplored, and I followed suit,
breathing his breath and taste deep inside myself making a memory I hoped never
to forget.

We
broke apart breathing erratically.  Thayne nibbled on my lips sucking the
bottom one into his mouth teasing it with his tongue.  He leaned in again,
opening my lips with his tongue, kissing me harder, more urgently than before,
and I melted into it.  Tongues tangled, teeth clicked against each other, he
sucked my tongue into his mouth taunting it with his own.  It continued like
this for what felt like hours, until finally he broke it off moving away from
me.

“We
have to stop,” he panted.

“Why?”
I asked just as out of breath.

“Because
if this goes on much longer, we’re going to do something stupid.”

I
got up on my knees and straddled his lap.  “Like this?” I asked then leaned
down and started kissing his neck.

“Scout,”
he moaned, “stop.”

“Don’t
wanna,” I murmured against his neck then worked my way up his neck to his ear.

“Scout,
please,” he whined.  “I don’t want to do anything you’re not completely sure
about.”

“Who
says I’m not sure?”

He
gripped my waist and picked me up off him, sat me down beside him then jumped
up and began pacing.

“Scout,
you’ve had a rough night, and I don’t want us to do something that can’t be
undone.  You, Mia Bella, are a virgin, and your first time shouldn’t be like
this.”

“I’m
not a virgin,” I whispered.

“Yeah,
you are, Bella,” he said walking over and dropping to his knees in front of me
grabbing my hands.  “You are.  You’ve never given yourself to someone before
freely, it’s not biology, it’s emotional.”

I
shook my head, “No, it’s not.”

“Yeah
it is, you’ve never willingly let someone touch you like that, you’ve never
given someone permission,” he whispered.  “You’ve never happily submitted to
someone to let them that close.  In all the ways that matter, you are a virgin,
Bella.”

“I
wish I could see it like that,” I said quietly.

“Then
do, because that’s how I see it, and I do not want you to regret your first
time.”

“I
don’t think I could regret it with you,” I murmured.

He
closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  “Please, I just want you to be sure. 
I don’t want to hurt you, or scare you.  I don’t want you to see him when you
look at me.”

“Thayne,
I could never see him when I look at you.”

“You
say that now, but if something happens, if something goes wrong.”  He shook his
head. “I can’t hurt you, Scout.”

I
thought about that for a moment, and I understood, he was afraid of something
setting me off, and I couldn’t promise him that wouldn’t happen.  I couldn’t
promise that wouldn’t happen the first, the fifth, or the three hundred sixty
seventh time though.

“I
trust you, Thayne, and I can’t make you any promises, but I want it to be you
to help me make this new memory.”

“You’re
sure?”

I
nodded.

“Okay,
but if anything bothers you, and I mean anything you let me know immediately
and we stop.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,”
he breathed then leaned in and kissed me hard.

Thayne
grabbed my thighs and pulled them apart wedging himself between my legs, then
reached around wrapping my legs around his waist then stood, not breaking the
kiss.

I
laughed, “Eager?”

“Mmm
yes,” he whispered against my lips, “you okay?”

“Yeah.”

He
walked us through the apartment, his hands on my ass holding me tightly against
his body, when he walked in and kicked the door shut though, I started second
guessing myself.  Was I really ready for this?

“We
can stop,” he told me seriously.

I
swallowed.  “No, I want to do this.”

“Then
why did you tense?”

“I’m
just nervous.”

“That’s
normal, Bella.”

“I
don’t like to be naked in front of people.”

“Scout,
we can stop.”

“No,
I just need to go slow.”

He
smiled slowly.  “Slow I can do,” then he went to show me by kissing me slowly,
taking his time and leaving me breathless.  “Slow enough?” he asked when he
broke the kiss.

I
nodded.  “Yeah,” I breathed.

He
finally let me down, sliding my body down his, and when my feet finally met the
floor, I wasn’t sure if they would hold me up.  He held onto my hips looking
down at me, smiling, and I laughed at his smug look.

“I
love it when you laugh,” he said and I blushed looking away, “and when you
blush.”

I
looked around his bedroom, it was just as sparse as his living room, a bed and
a dresser that was it.

“Hmm,
how very streamlined,” I told him.

“I
don’t need much.”

“Mine
looks similar.”

“We’ll
take this at your speed, k?”

“Okay.”

He
grabbed my hand and led me to the bed, sitting down on the side and pulling me
between his legs.  I stood there staring down at him watching him as he was
watching me.

“You
okay?”

“You’re
going to keep asking me that, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,
I am.”

“I’m
okay.”

“Good,”
he whispered before reaching up and running his fingers along the edge of my
jeans before slipping his fingers under my tank top.  “So soft,” he said as he
caressed my skin.

I
ran my fingers through his hair, his dark brown hair was soft, and I let it
trail over my fingers, before running them down his neck.  I was happy he was
still shirtless, it gave me plenty of places to explore.

“Can
we take this off?” he asked tugging on my tank top.

I
took a deep breath and nodded, he slowly pulled it up my torso, over my breasts
where I took over grabbing the hem and pulling it over my head, letting it drop
to the floor.  He took in a sharp breath and I refused to look.  I couldn’t
stand seeing revulsion in his face.

“Mia
Bella,” he whispered before running his soft lips over my left side where one
of my other tattoos was, “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is
enough,” he read.  “Who said that?”

“Mae
West.”

“Is
there anymore?”

I
nodded and he turned me slightly so he could see the other one, “Sometimes the
questions are complicated and the answers are simple,” he read while
brushing his fingers across my ribs following the words. “And this one?”

“Dr.
Seuss” I whimpered as he ran his tongue across the tattoo.

 “I
like them,” he told me and I nodded still not looking at him.  “You are
beautiful, Scout.”

I
shook my head, “No, I’m not.”

“Oh
Bella, you are gorgeous, I wish you could see that,” he murmured against my
skin, then began running his tongue tracing the words I had inscribed onto my
body as reminders. I shivered, his warm mouth left cool trails on my skin. 
When he reached one of my scars he paused and I sucked in a breath, then he
gently laid a kiss on it before moving to the next, then the next, kissing each
one of long scars that ran down my torso.

He
pulled my hands free of his hair and kissed my wrists where I had more scars and
tattoos then up my arm.  I took a shaky breath, looking down at him, and found
him looking up at me with that look in his eyes again.

“You
are beautiful, Scout,” he whispered.

“Okay,”
I whispered.

He
smiled up at me, then pulled me down on top of him while falling back on the
bed.  I laughed at the move, but that quickly changed to a moan when he kissed
me again.  I felt his fingers brush my bra, asking permission, and I gave a
slight shake of my head so he ran his fingers down my spine.  He kissed me until
I slowly felt the tension leave my body, then turned sideways laying us both on
our sides.

“You
okay?”

“Yeah.”