Authors: Brei Betzold
“You
don’t believe me?” I asked.
“It’s
not that, I mean, I can see you’re messed up, we’re all messed up. I just
wonder if maybe it has something to do with your age, if you were older if
whatever it is that he did, it might not have looked as bad.”
I
heard someone clear their throat and I looked over to find Kale standing there
flexing his hands. “You really don’t know your friend,” Kale said quietly and
smiled at me sadly. “If you had any clue at all,” he sighed and bit his lip.
“Just came to grab something.” He went over to the toolbox and pulled out
Liam’s lucky goggles. “I still can’t believe he forgot these,” Kale
murmured. “Thayne, let me give you a piece of advice, I heard you had a baby
sister?” at Thayne’s nod he went on, “do yourself a favor, never leave her
alone with him, never trust him,” With that, he left.
We
were quiet after that I dozed off and on, Thayne seemed to be deep in thought.
“She doesn’t like him, you know,” he finally said quietly. “My sister, she
doesn’t like Tris, never has, first time she met him she said he was dark.”
“How
old is she?”
“My
sister?” he asked looking down at me, at my nod, “Sixteen.”
“Where
is she? I asked, “At home with your mom?”
He
shook his head. “No, Mom died last year, Dad couldn’t be bothered, he has a
new family and all. She’s here with me. I rented a little apartment for us.”
I
smiled sadly. “Yeah, I know how that goes, Cas has been taking care of me since
I was fourteen, Dad didn’t want me anymore.”
“And
your mom?”
I
looked away. “She died when I was born. Ace didn’t know what to do with me,
so he just didn’t do anything, then after it wasn’t safe, I went to live with
Saul and Cas moved in, they took care of me.”
“He
joined the military, your brother?”
“He
joined before, he was overseas when it happened, and came home after. He
stayed in after his original four years were up. He was offered a decent
resigning bonus for his skill set, and couldn’t pass it up.”
“Makes
sense, so when’s his time up?”
I
smiled groggily. “Next month.”
“Happy
about that?”
“Yeah,
I worry about him when he’s deployed.”
“How
many times?”
“He
just got home from his third, and final.”
I
yawned and snuggled into him. “Sleep,” he murmured and started rubbing my
earlobe, I drifted off and on listening to him hum.
Chapter
24
They
must have given me a pretty heady dose of Haldol last night since it was still
affecting me as much as it was. I laid there in the in-between, in-between
wake and sleep, in-between reality. Thayne was running his fingers through my
hair still humming, then he stopped the humming and I heard a noise but I
couldn’t get up the will to look.
“She
trusts you,” I heard a low voice say. “She never lets anyone get that close,
at least not unless it’s one of us.”
I
felt Thayne shrug. “I won’t hurt her.”
“Sure
you will, they always do, and when you do I will be left to pick up the pieces
once again.”
“No
Cas, I will not intentionally hurt her, I don’t think I could.”
“It
won’t matter if you intend to do it, you will, and she can’t take it.”
“How
do you know what she can and can’t handle?”
He
scoffed, “Because I know her.”
“I
don’t think you do. I think you still see her as that fourteen year old scared
girl.”
“Scared?
Is that what you think she was?” Cas asked. “You have no idea, try a fourteen
year old catatonic girl who had to have a feeding tube and IVs to keep her
alive. Or how about the sixteen year old girl who went to high school in a
mental facility because she couldn’t be trusted not to hurt herself? How about
the sixteen year old girl who had heat stroke because she refused to wear
anything other than long sleeve shirts and jeans in the middle of summer
because she was embarrassed? Or maybe the fifteen year old girl who took
scissors to her hair, because he told her how much he loved it, and she
couldn’t look at herself without seeing him? Which one of those girls do you
think I see?”
“I
don’t know,” Thayne replied quietly, “but whichever one it is, it’s not the
twenty-one year old woman who is strong, beautiful, and trying so hard to find
out who she is, and at every turn she’s blocked by the one person who she loves
above everyone else.”
“You
don’t know a fucking thing about her, or what she’s been through,” Cas yelled.
“No,
I don’t know what she’s been through. I hope one day she will trust me enough
to tell me, until then I’ll work to earn it. You though are ignoring that
she’s not that girl any longer, you no longer see her for her, you see her as
she once was and for some reason you are trying to keep her there.”
“Stay
the fuck away from my sister,” he seethed.
“No,
not until she tells me that. I’m not scared of you Cas, and every time you
tell her to stay away from me you push her closer to me.”
“When
she tells you what your friend did to her, and you run, when you can’t take it,
can’t look at her, what do you think that will do to her?”
I
made a low noise in the back of my throat, Cas had just hit my fear of Thayne,
because if he left it would hurt, a lot. In the short time I’ve had with him
I’ve become attached, and I didn’t want to become attached to him.
“Shhh,”
Thayne whispered and started rubbing my back.
“You
have no clue what it takes to take care of her,” Cas continued. “It’s a full
time job, doctors’ appointments, meds, nightmares, the money, think you can
handle all that?”
I
whimpered, I wanted to yell at Cas to shut up, but I couldn’t get it out.
“Having
fun, scaring her?” Thayne bit out. “Enjoying this?”
“Not
trying to scare her, trying to make you realize you have no clue what you’re
getting involved with, going to leave your job for her, move to San Diego,
after what three weeks of knowing her?”
“Stop,”
I whispered, “please stop.”
“Scout,
have you given any of this any thought? Are you going to leave the shop, going
to go back there, where he is, where Ace is?” Cas asked. “I’m not trying to
hurt you, but you need to be realistic.”
“Why
are you feeling so threatened?” Thayne asked quietly. “What are you scared
about, that she won’t need you anymore?”
“Threatened
by you?” Cas scoffed. “I don’t think so, I just don’t want to see her hurt
again.”
“She’s
always going to need you, but she needs to live her life,” Thayne said quietly.
Cas
laughed humorlessly, “Yeah, her life, what life?”
I
heard footsteps stomp out and I let the tears go. Thayne rubbed my back not
saying anything, and I knew Cas had made him start to think about things too.
There was no way I would ever go back to Arizona, I couldn’t, and Thayne had a sister
to take care of, a job, and a life outside of this place. It would be easier
for everyone involved if this stopped now, before someone was hurt.
I
took a deep breath. “You need to go,” I told him, “and this time don’t come
back.”
“Scout,
if this is about what he said—” Thayne started but I interrupted.
“He
was right, I am broken, and you have a sister to take care of, a job, a life,
and you should live it and leave me to mine.”
I
pulled away and stood up wobbly then walked away.
“Scout,”
he yelled after me, “I’ll give you some time, but I am not leaving.”
I
ignored him and walked out the front doors into the rain and stood there
letting it cleanse me, praying it would take the scars away.
“Your
mother loved the rain,” Uncle Matt said coming to stand beside me. “She would
stand out in the rain and let it drench her, while the rest of us hid and
watched. We never really understood it.”
“I
understand it,” I said quietly.
“Yeah,
I think you do,” he looked over at me. “You look just like her, well except
the blue hair and metal in your face.”
I
laughed at that. “I think about her sometimes, wonder what she would have
thought of me. I wish I knew more about her.”
“She
loved you, Scout, she would have been proud of you. She loved to read, which
is how you and Cas got your names,” he told me fondly. “She was strong, she
was so excited when she found out she was pregnant with you. She wanted a baby
girl, don’t get me wrong she loved her Caspian. Did you know she wanted to
name him Caspian, but Ace wouldn’t let her. He didn’t want his son named
after some book, so instead she named him after some author, then called him
Caspian. She decided to do the same with all her kids, and Harper Lee was her
favorite female author, it’s why I picked it.”
I
looked over at him confused, “You picked it?”
“Yeah,
Ace wasn’t at his best, so Sarah and I named you and took you home. Simon was
six months old at the time, but Sarah wanted you there, she said it was what
your mom would want; Sarah and Kim were best friends. We all agreed, so you
and Cas came to live with us. Ace was mourning and in no place to take care of
you two.”
“You
mean he was drunk.”
“He
had just lost his wife.”
“Doesn’t
make it okay,” I replied.
“No
it doesn’t, but it was what it was.”
“You
didn’t start drinking when Sarah died?”
“No,
I didn’t. I had three kids to take care of. Eventually Cas went back, then
when you were around three, Saul came told Ace to get his life together and
take care of his kids. You went to go live with him at that point and his
sister moved in to help.”
“Yeah,
I remember Aunt Sally.”
He
nodded. “She helped with all three of you since the shop had really taken off
at that point, it was hard on all of us to take care of the three of you, and
keep up at the shop. She was a life saver.”
“Eventually
she got married but still helped out, then Ace met and married Lace, you know
the rest.”
I
nodded. “Yeah, Lace loved the idea of me, but not the reality. I wasn’t a
girly girl, I wasn’t interested in dresses and all that. I was into bikes
getting dirty, and when she realized she couldn’t change that, she ignored my
existence, same as Ace did.”
“That
boy in there, Thayne, he’s a good boy, and he’s right Cas isn’t seeing you. He
still sees what happened, and trust me I understand that. I still have
nightmares of what I saw when I walked in that room and found you.” He
whispered the end, “I will never forget that, I will never forgive myself for
not making you stay with me, if your school hadn’t called, you wouldn’t be here
now. I understand where Cas is coming from, but it’s time for him to let you
grow up, to let you live your life, and I think Thayne would be good for you.”
“I
can’t go back there, he has a life there.”
“Do
you honestly think he would stay if he knew who, what he worked for?” Matt
asked. “If he knew what his friend had done, do you see him being okay with
that?”
I
shook my head, because I knew Thayne wouldn’t stay. “No, but I can’t tell
him.”
“Why
not?”
“Because
when he looks at me with disgust or worse, pity, after he knows, it would hurt
more than losing him now.”
“And
if he doesn’t?”
I
scoffed, “Yeah right.”
“I
think he’s worth the risk, Scout, and I think you may be surprised,” he told me
and leaned down kissed the top of my wet hair. “Come on, let’s get in, we’re
soaked.”
“Thank
you, Uncle Matt,” I told him.
“You
really are growing into a strong, slightly bruised, but amazing woman, Scout,”
he told me then we walked inside to find a pissed off Cas.
“Not
now,” I told him.
“What
were you thinking going out there and standing in the rain?” he barked.
“Not
now,” I told him again.
“Cas,
maybe you should calm down,” Matt said.
“Calm
down, you let her stand out there in the fucking rain,” Cas growled.
“For
fuck’s sake,” I yelled, “it’s water, Cas. Damn, I’m not going to fucking
melt.”
Then
I turned and stormed back out the door, and back into the dreaded rain. I
needed to get away from here, away from him. So I walked across the street to
the diner and got myself a cup of coffee and thought about what Matt had told
me.
Chapter
25
Once
home, I curled up on the couch with my Kindle, getting lost into an alternate
universe sounded like a good plan to me. Liam sat down beside me and turned on
the TV, I put my head on his shoulder and continued reading.
“Whatcha
reading, Harper Lee?”
“
The
Good Fairies of New York,
” I told him.
“Hmm,
haven’t you read that one before?”
“Yep.”
“Must
be good then.”
“Yep.”
“Am
I bugging you?”
“Yep.”
He
huffed out a laugh and went back to watching TV.
A
little while longer Cam came in and plopped Zadok down on my lap, “Watch the
little monster,” she demanded then turned around and left.
I
reached out and grabbed Zadok before he could fall off my lap and tossed my
Kindle aside. “Zadok, are you a monster?” I asked the drooling baby.
He
looked at me then began screaming; I sighed. He had been crying a lot lately.
Cam said he was teething, I didn’t know anything about babies. I just knew he
was drooling, a lot. I put him against my shoulder and stood up walking him
around the house, patting his back and talking to him calmly, the entire time
he screamed in my ear.
“Come
on, Zadok,” I whispered, “you don’t want Aunt Scout to go Deaf do you?”
I
kept walking and bouncing him, eventually I went into the kitchen and dug around
in the freezer and pulled out a cube of ice, and went and sat back down on the
couch. I gently rubbed the ice on his gums like I had seen Cam do, talking to
him the entire time. Eventually he calmed down and fell asleep. I let out a
breath and decided I wouldn’t be moving anytime soon from this spot—I was not
waking him up.
“You’re
good with him,” Cam said when she walked in the room and saw her son asleep.
“I
have no idea what I am doing.”
She
shrugged. “None of us do, but you’ll be a good mom.”
“No,
I won’t,” I replied.
“Sure
you will.”
“No,
I won’t, since I can’t have babies.”
“Oh,”
she said looking shocked, “I, uhm, didn’t know that.”
I
sighed. “Between the drugs and the, uhm, damage, the chances of me having
children is nil,” I told her.
“Oh,”
she said, “I just assumed with the birth control.”
“It’s
a safety measure to help regulate my hormones, but I am missing some pieces to
make it possible to carry my own child.”
“Oh
Scout,” she whispered. “He should have his balls ripped off and shoved up his
ass.”
I
burst out laughing disturbing Zadok. I rubbed his tummy hoping he stayed
asleep, when he relaxed, both of us let out a breath.
“Yeah,
he should,” I whispered, “and it still wouldn’t be enough.”
“Honey,
nothing would ever be enough,” with that she stood up, “since you are stuck I’m
going to go cook dinner.”
I
nodded and reached over grabbing my Kindle and went back to reading.
Zadok
finally woke up and I handed him off to his mom. Then went and fixed myself a
plate of food and ate some of it. After that, I cleaned up the kitchen. Cas
was sitting on the couch talking to Kale and Liam so I went and laid down with
my head in his lap, just enjoying him being near. As much as he pissed me off,
I loved him.
He
smiled down at me then went back talking to the guys about some video game. I
ignored them and eventually fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning I
felt better, more myself than I had in weeks. We quickly headed out and I got
to ride my Stella. I was in a great mood when I showed up at the garage.
We
lined up and listened to our directions for today. We had four hours to finish
assembling the frame. Tomorrow they would be judged, then we would be off for
a long weekend. I was happy about that. We could all use the break, I
thought, maybe go for a ride, or camping.
We
headed off towards our stall and went to work. I played gopher while they
worked to get it finished, and I also spent the day ignoring Thayne. It seemed
like he had the same plan since I didn’t see much of him. By the time was up,
we had a fully finished custom bike frame that we were confident in. I was
ready for the judging tomorrow, and thinking of ways to talk everyone into the
idea of going camping since we never really celebrated Cas being home.
When
we got home, I brought up my idea. Liam and Kale were in on the idea of
camping, Cam and Simon wanted to stay put since Zadok hadn’t been feeling well,
and Cas had to go back to San Diego for a few days. I sighed slightly deflated
but Liam, Kale, and I started looking at campsites. By the end of the evening,
I was once again excited about the camping trip, and I was happy that I had
insisted we bring our gear with us. We had plans to leave after the judging
table and come back on Sunday. Four and a half days in the middle of nowhere
was calling me.
At
the end of the judging table, I was giddy, we had won our first competition,
and now I was getting ready to go camping with two of my best friends. Our
bikes were packed, all we had to do was run by a grocery store, then we were
off to the campsite we had found. The guys pointed out to me that it was
Fourth of July and that was the reason for the break. I had completely lost
track of days. That left us with two more challenges before the final, then
getting ready for the rally.
Cas
had left this morning taking Angel with him, he said he would be back next week
at some point. I wasn’t sure if I was going to miss him or not at this point.
I was standing by Stella literally bouncing on the balls of my feet ready to
go, but I had to wait on Kale and Liam.
“Where
are you going?” asked Matt.
“We’re
going camping,” I said excitedly.
“We?”
“Liam,
Kale, and me.”
“Where
are you going?”
So
I told him and he nodded, “How long?”
“Till
Sunday.”
“Huh,
mind if an old man crashes at some point? I don’t really want to stay around
here for the fourth.”
“I
would love it,” I told him honestly. “We have a campsite rented. We got one
larger than we needed in case anyone else ended up joining us.”
“I
may show up at some point then,” he told me then gave me a one armed hug. “Have
fun.” I waved bye to him.
I
watched Thayne walk out. Once again wearing a fedora, I smiled a little
remembering picking on him for wearing that hat at the diner. He looked over
at me and gave me a small smile. I nodded at him and watched as he climbed
into his GTO. I rubbed my hands over my face and sighed, I needed to get away,
think, and make some decisions.
Liam
and Kale walked up and I grinned. “Ready?”
“To
see you in a bikini, damn right, Harper Lee,” Liam said loudly. I glared at
him but realized he wasn’t looking at me but smirking at Thayne who was sitting
in his car watching us.
I
reached over and smacked Liam in the back of the head. “I don’t wear bikinis,
you pain in the ass,” I told him then climbed on Stella and waved bye at
Thayne.
I
grinned over at Kale and Liam. “Race ya,” I told them, pulled on my helmet and
hit the throttle.
They
caught up with me quickly, and we rode through town, leaving the city limits,
forgetting about running by the grocery store when a long ride was all I
wanted. We rode for about forty-five minutes then pulled off and slowed down
the dirt road that led to the bait and tackle shop that doubled as a small
grocer and rental. We went in and paid our lot fees for the weekend. After
finding out where our site was located, I picked up the perishable food that we
hadn’t brought in with us, along with an ice chest. We loaded everything into
the ice chest, filled it with ice and strapped it onto the back of Kale’s bike,
then went in search of our campsite.
Once
we found it, we went to work clearing out any rocks and branches then started
setting up camp. I had my pop tent up quickly, then went to work on getting
the campfire pit cleaned out. We had found enough fallen branches around that
we wouldn’t need to go scavenging for more firewood today. After I had that
cleaned up and was ready for tonight, I started unloading the bikes, pulling
duffels and sleeping bags out of the saddlebags. Once the boys had their tent
up, we tossed everything into their respective tents and sat down on the log in
front of the fire pit.
“So
Uncle Matt might join us at some point.”
“Cool,
we can pick on the old guy,” Liam said. I reached over and flicked his ear.
“Ow,” he whined.
“Be
nice,” I warned.
“So
Kale and I were thinking about going and picking up some fireworks tomorrow,”
Liam told me still rubbing his ear.
I
shrugged, “Fine, just don’t expect me to help.”
“Such
a wuss,” he complained.
“Sorry,
don’t want to lose a finger, call me what you want, but I like having all ten
connected to my body.”
Kale
chuckled. “Don’t know why you try to change her mind, it’s your fault.”
“How
is it my fault?” he whined.
“The
video you showed her, she was fine until you showed her that video of the
firecracker blowing up in the guy’s hand.”
“Oh
yeah, I forgot about that.”
“Dumbass,”
I muttered.
“Heard
that, Harper Lee.”
“Wasn’t
keeping my opinion from you.”
Kale
sighed. “Why did I agree to come here again?”
Liam
and I laughed. “Because you’re a masochist,” I reminded him. “You’d have to
be, to have hooked up with this guy.”
“Hey,”
Liam yelped.
“This
is going to be a long weekend,” Kale grumbled getting up. “Come on, let’s get
a fire going.”
After
we had the fire going, and I attempted to shove Liam in, we settled down with
hot dogs and chips for dinner. I leaned back watching the flames. Liam shoved
his fifth hot dog into the flames and I looked over at him.
“Where
do you put it all?”
“Huh,”
he said around a mouth full of food.
“How
the hell are you so bony with how much you eat?”
“Not
bony,” he mumbled.
“Not
bony, my ass.” I laughed, “You have chicken legs, and pointy elbows.”
He
picked up a rock and threw it at me. “It all goes to my bubble butt, and like
you’re one to talk, at least I have an ass.”
“I
have an ass,” I retorted.
He
snorted then shoved half a hot dog in his mouth.
We
stayed out for a while longer enjoying the fire, starry skies, and the faint
sounds of lapping water from the lake nearby. Eventually we broke it up,
hugging and heading to our tents. I laid down and stared up imagining the
stars above. Finally breaking down, I dragged my sleeping bag outside and
stared at the starry night, drifting off to sleep.