Authors: Brei Betzold
“Did
he always know?”
“He
had suspicions, knew it was a possibility, but didn’t know for sure until
then.”
I
stared off into space thinking about all of this, everything I thought,
believed was an illusion, and they honestly thought this wouldn’t matter.
“What
happened last night with him?”
“With
who?” I asked still lost in my thoughts.
“Thayne.”
“We
talked, he listens to me, and no one ever listens to me,” I murmured. “He
doesn’t second guess me, he lets me be me, and so we talked.”
He
grunted, “That’s it, you talked?”
I
looked Simon straight in the eyes. “You do not get to question my life
anymore. I cannot trust you, you hide things from me, lie to me, you have to
earn that trust back, Simon, and that hurts. It hurts that I can no longer
talk to you. It hurts knowing that you would do this, and I don’t know how
long it’s going to take to trust you again, but I think it’s going to be a
while. I no longer know who you are, I thought I knew, but my friend, he
wouldn’t have done this.”
“Scout,
you’re being melodramatic.”
I
shook my head, “No, no I am not. You know you broke that trust, and you did it
so it would be easier on yourself, not for me. I will forgive you eventually,
but not now, I can’t. You broke something, all of you did. You broke something
deep down inside me with this.”
He
sighed and looked away. “I’m sorry you were hurt with this. I never meant for
you to get hurt,” he whispered then got up and walked away.
I
curled up on the floor and cried, strong arms wrapped around me and let me cry.
Chapter
35
Finally,
we were done at the shop and able to leave. I headed out the doors and towards
Stella where Matt was standing. I sighed, of course once wasn’t enough today,
they all had to fix the mess they created in one day.
Thayne
linked his hand with mine, gave a reassuring squeeze, and then let me lead him
over to where Matt waited.
“Seraph,”
he said in way of greeting.
“Matt.”
“Can
we talk now?”
I
looked up at the sky, “One day, can I just have one day to be happy?” I asked
the clouds and as expected got no response. “Fine,” I told him, “let’s go
across the street.”
I
started walking towards the diner but quickly jerked to a stop when Thayne
didn’t follow. I looked back at him, curious.
“Do
you want me to come?” he asked quietly.
I
nodded. “Yes,” I said simply.
“Okay,
I need to call Nik, then I’ll be over.”
“K,”
I said walking back to him and kissing him, “see you soon.”
I
let go of his hand and led the way to the diner. When we got there Matt
reached around me opening and holding the door for me. I quickly found a booth
and sat down with Matt sitting across from me.
“He
makes you happy,” Matt said and I nodded. “Good, I am glad to see you happy.”
The
waitress came by and we both ordered a coffee. I waited for her to drop them
off before starting.
I
watched him fidget for a few minutes before finally asking the question I
couldn’t stop thinking about, “Did you not want me?”
“Oh
Seraph,” he whispered, “it was never that. I wondered daily, if you were mine,
and I wanted you with me.”
“They
why not find out?”
“I
didn’t want to make everyone’s lives harder. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Hurt
me?”
“I
kept you close for as long as I could, but in the end if I would’ve told anyone
about me and Kim, it would have ended up hurting you. I couldn’t stand the idea
of that. You were so close to Cas and I couldn’t let that be taken from you.
So instead I sat back and watched, made sure you were safe, taken care of.”
I
thought about that for a minute. “He wouldn’t have let me see Cas, he would
have just handed me over and been done. You did this so I would have both of
them, and you.”
“Yeah,”
he sighed, “you loved them both, even as a baby you were so attached to them
both, and I didn’t want to be the cause for you to lose them, so I stayed as
close as I could. I protected you and Cas as well as I could.”
I
nodded “Yeah I remember, you would show up and take us out of the house when he
was really drunk.”
“I
was trying to protect all three of you because Simon and Cas were just as
devoted to you as you were to them, and I didn’t want to ruin Cas’s memories of
Kim, taint them.”
“What
happened with you and my mom?”
“We
were friends, all of us were, and then your dad started drinking. He wasn’t
nice to her, so she came to our place a lot bringing Cas with her. Things
happened, things I am not proud of, and we made a mistake. I loved my wife, I
really did, but I loved Kim too in a way,” he whispered.
“Oh.”
“We
were going to tell Sarah and Ace. Then Sarah got pregnant and I couldn’t hurt
her like that, so we kept quiet and ended things. One night things got out of
hand, we were at your parents’ house, Ace was drinking and passed out, Sarah
left early because she was pregnant and tired. Your mom and I were talking and
things just went from there, then she found out she was pregnant, and didn’t
know who the dad was. We were going to wait and see, then well after she died
I wasn’t going to tell him after he had just lost his wife. Sarah and I
brought you home and took care of you. I told her, and she was so angry with
me, but she loved you, and agreed with me to talk to Ace about adopting you.”
“You
were going to adopt me?”
“Adopt
you or guardianship, whatever Ace was willing to do, but we both decided not to
tell him. He was in a bad place; he had just lost his wife we didn’t want to
add more. Before we could talk to him Sarah was in the accident, and well, I
lost my wife. You and Simon were so little, he was barely a year old and you
were so tiny. I did the best I could. My mom came to live with me and help take
care of you, all of you, and Sarah died hating me. That has to be the worst
part of this, that I hurt her so badly. Then life went on, and I never told
anyone because I didn’t want to ruin the way things were. I didn’t want to
cause any more pain to those I loved.”
I
nodded, “I understand that, but why not tell me when I was older?”
He
sighed. “I wanted to, God I wanted to especially after we knew for sure, but
you weren’t in a place to hear it. So we decided to wait to tell you. Saul
and I wanted to tell you so many times.”
“They
why didn’t you?”
“We
were told that it wasn’t the time, that the doctors didn’t want you upset, that
you were on new meds, so many different things. We didn’t want to hurt you.
We didn’t want to cause more problems so we waited. Looking back, we shouldn’t
have, but at the time we thought we were doing the right thing.”
I
looked across the street and saw Thayne standing in the parking lot yelling at
Cas. “Fuck me,” I whispered.
Matt
looked over just as the first punch was thrown and I started banging my head
against the table. This morning life was great, it was perfect, now my brother
and boyfriend were beating the crap out of each other.
***
I
sat in the uncomfortable chairs waiting for the police to release Cas and Thayne.
I didn’t know what the hell happened to cause the fight, I just knew that they
were both arrested. The doors whooshed open and I looked up finding Simon and
the girl my brother planned to marry standing there.
“Hear
anything?”
“They
are being booked, then they have to see a judge, then we can pay bail and go
home.”
“What
were they fighting over?” he asked.
I
shrugged, “Dunno, wasn’t there for that.”
“Where
were you?” the girl snapped.
I
looked up at her. “I was having coffee across the street with Matt, not that
it’s any of your business.”
She
plopped down and glared at me and after a few minutes, I snapped, “What is your
problem?”
“Why
can’t you just let him be happy?”
I
looked over at Simon and he shrugged looking just as confused. “What the hell
are you talking about?”
“Why
do you fight Cas over everything?”
I
laughed, I couldn’t help it. “Fight Cas? Are you serious?”
“He
came here to help you, to get you out of trouble, and you don’t even care. You
just take and take, then when he gives you advice you fight him.”
I
stared at her blankly. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oh
don’t you?” she scoffed. “He proposes, so what do you do? Make sure all the
attention is on you, get yourself in trouble so he has to come and save you, and
you never even say thank you.”
I
looked back at Simon, “What is she talking about?”
“I
have no idea,” he said looking back at me.
“Oh
I know girls like you. They think everyone should focus on you, that you’re so
special. Well, guess what? You’re not.”
“Huh?”
“How
do you think it makes me feel when everything is about how Scout will take it.
How will it affect Scout, well what about me?” she screeched. “What about how
it affects me?”
“What
the fuck are you talking about?” I asked.
“You
need to grow up already.”
“Well
we at least agree about that,” I muttered, “but the rest I have no idea what
you are talking about. What about you, Simon, have any ideas?”
“I
think I might,” he said sounding befuddled, “and if I’m right then Cas is in
trouble.”
“Cas
is already in trouble.”
“Not
with you this time, Scout, well maybe with both of you.”
“Huh?”
“Holly,
what has Cas told you about Scout?”
Oh
yeah that’s her name, Holly. Huh, guess I should remember that since she’s
apparently going to be my sister-in-law.
“Nothing,
he won’t tell me anything except that he has to take care of her, that he’s
responsible for her. Then I get here and she throws temper tantrums, ignores
him, and is mean to him, and I know how much he worries about her and she
doesn’t even care.”
“Say
what?” I growled. “I don’t even know where to start with that statement.”
“You
were out all night last night, didn’t even bother calling him or answering his
calls. You just took off. Who does that? He tries to take care of you and
you throw it all back in his face. You ruined my proposal, did you know that?
He asked me to marry him, then he was gone. He had to go and take care of
you. So what? He told you he was getting married and then what, you start
crying about some mean person who hurt your feelings?”
I
blinked then blinked again, yeah she was serious. “Okay first of all, I never
knew you existed until last night. I’m sure that is nothing against you but my
brother once again trying to protect me from myself and the world. Second, I
never asked Cas to come here, I thought up until a week or so ago that his
whole unit came back. I found out the truth after he showed up. Third, I did
not throw a temper tantrum last night. You apparently missed his whole
screaming at me, his hurting me, not the other way around. Fourth, I want
nothing more than for Cas to be happy, if it’s with you then fine, great, go
have a nice life, but do not expect me to give mine up, if that makes me
selfish then so fucking be it.”
She
sat there staring at me looking a little shell shocked then burst into tears.
I looked over at Simon, wondering what the hell to do now. He was no use. He
looked just as panicked as I’m sure I did.
“You…you
didn’t know about me?” she finally got out.
“Uhm
no, but don’t take it personally I didn’t know my father wasn’t my father until
last night.”
“What?”
she asked confused.
“Cas
and everyone else keep things from me, important things, because they want to
shelter me. That’s why I left last night. That’s why I turned off my phone
because I am done with it. So what if I fucking break?” I said looking at
Simon. “It’s better than not living at all which is what I’ve been doing.”
“Scout,
I won’t say sorry for protecting you, but I am sorry it’s hurt you.”
“I’m
done,” I whispered. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live in this bubble,
and you none of you are allowing me to live my life.”
“What
are you saying?”
“I
don’t know,” I said looking at him, “but something has to give. I can’t keep
doing this. I don’t have it in me to fight you every day. I am so tired of
fighting every day. I just want to live. I want to know what that means. I
want to be happy and all of you keep me from that when you try to keep me
hidden away. It happened. I know it did. I will never forget it happened,
but I can’t keep living it every fucking day, because I am still chained to
that bed, Simon.” I looked up at him, “I know you meant well, but it has to
stop, and it won’t as long as we’re all so close, so I’m going.”
“Where
will you go?” he whispered.
“I
don’t know, and it won’t be far because we all have too much to work out. I do
not want to lose you, but I need to find myself and I can’t do that with the
way things are now.”