Authors: H. G. Adler
“Be quiet, Michel, I have to go! Dash it all, I can’t be in two places at once! I don’t know anything, no one tells me anything, I also have to wait on the Ministry, but Professor Rumpler is always supposed to have time for everyone. Michel, tell those people to come back tomorrow, next week, but not today, I’m sorry, but let me see the list. Frau Butterwegh, Schrimpl, who is Frau Butterwegh? Do I know her? Can she do something for us? Does she need something? Has she been here before?” Schrimpl replies, “Herr Professor, that’s the one who is always here. Once every three months she sings. On the recommendation of Deputy Assistant Under-Secretary
Kratochvil.”—“Kratochvil, Kratochvil, somewhat important, that’s good. Schrimpl, speak with Frau Butterwegh, give her something, ten minutes, fifteen minutes, that’s too much, agreed. Next, Klebinder. Who is Klebinder? Don’t I know a Klebinder, let me see, who is Klebinder?” No one knows. “Someone get Dr. Horn!” He’s dragged in, having been busy with a visitor. “Why weren’t you there when we called for you, Dr. Horn?”—“Herr Professor, I have someone inside, very important, a good lecture. It will draw well!”—“Nonsense, my little Horn, nothing will draw, it can wait, throw him out! Visiting hours are over. Report to the staff meeting, please make a note, Horn, this Klebinder, who is Klebinder? Who can he be?”—“Klebinder? Is that someone who once rented the hall? I believe we once had someone rent the hall who was named Klebinder. Krupka would know. Fräulein Auer, tell Krupka to come!” Fräulein Auer gets him, and the Profesor says, “Now, Krupka, I always have to check with you. Do you know this Klebinder? Klebinder?” Krupka asks in return, “Who is Klebinder?”—“Dash it all, Klebinder! Klebinder is Klebinder. Who can he be?”—“How should I know, Herr Professor?” Dr. Horn then says, “Herr Krupka, didn’t we once have a Klebinder? A Klebinder rented the hall?”—“That could be. I’ll have to check.”—“Could be! Dash it all, Herr Krupka, if you could just keep something straight in your head for once! The new young doctor should help out in the business office. Look up Klebinder, report on Klebinder in the staff meeting, make a note of it, that’s that! What else is there Michel?”—“Excuse me, but you have the list in your hand.”—“Ah, I see, but why doesn’t anyone help me. Here it says Kruczkewicz. You could break your teeth on that. Kruczkewicz?” Schrimpl chimes in, “He’s a troublemaker, Herr Professor, he always wants to get on the radio. He’s terrible and boring.” But then Dr. Horn adds, “We have to take him. You know why already, Herr Professor.” Horn whispers something into his ear, and Rumpler replies, “What a pain, arrange something with him, I can’t even say the name. Let me know what happens, but not today, it can wait. What else? Kummerhackl, everything starts with ‘K’ today! Who is Kummerhackl? Oh yes, he has written a book. My dear Horn, I gave you a copy, you should report on it. Is it any good? Can he do something for us?”—“I gave you a report. You urged me to get it to you last week. It’s on your desk in the topmost folder. Recommended by the Railway Ministry.”—“My dear Horn,
you shouldn’t smoke so much. Dash it all, in the topmost folder! How often have I said to place it in my hands! Look for it, for I’ve not seen a thing, or do up a new report, and fast! Didn’t I tell you that Kummerhackl was recommended by important people? You yourself said the railway. Talk to him, my dear Horn, I’ve got too much to handle, remind me what the book is about, I want to read it, but when, I don’t know, I haven’t any time! I’d very much like to have Kummerhackl.…”
The door opens and there stands a man with a red beard, clearly upset, as he yells without looking around, “I want nothing more to do with this stinking business! You can tell your Director Rumpler that Götz von Berlichingen is here! He cannot leave me waiting!” Rumpler turns around quick as a flash and says pleasantly, “With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking? I am Professor Rumpler.”—“My name is Kummerhackl.” Rumpler grabs his hand and doesn’t let it go. “My dear Kummerhackl, it’s indeed you! Indeed, what a joy it is to meet you!” Kummerhackl continues to talk loudly. “Three months ago I personally dropped off a copy of my book,
The Solution to the Social Question: A Practical Plan for the People of Europe
. I also followed up in writing. Then for the last three days I have shown up in person and each time waited at least two hours! Now I’m fed up!”—“My dear Kummerhackl, you must watch your nerves! Please, give me your hand, I see, a very fast pulse, you should not get so excited. My goodness, I’d hate to get so excited. You would not believe the beating that my nerves take, but one has to maintain self-control, please note, you have to take care of yourself! Your book is wonderful, full of new and clever ideas, reconciling people through their shared humanity. We all suffer from the problems of society. It’s so important to solve them, you could even speak to the President, indeed, a practical plan, what an idea! Puttrich, quickly fetch two cups of mocha! Puttrich, the taxi! Fräulein Grenadier, call the radio and tell them I’m on my way! Dash it all, one has to control one’s nerves. No, come along, my dear Kummerhackl, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about your book. My dear little Horn, you come along as well, of course with another cigarette already in your mouth, come along, before the taxi is here in two minutes’ time.” Rumpler then ushers Herr Kummerhackl into his office, and Horn follows.
Fräulein Auer asks Josef to take Herr Krönert, who meanwhile has been
planning his radio talk with Schrimpl, to Frau Lawetzer and to give her the request for two free tickets, as Herr Krönert thanks her and bows to everyone there. Josef is also reminded to bring cigarettes for Fräulein Auer, she has no more to smoke, then the two men head downstairs, Herr Krönert wanting to know if the Cultural Center always seemed like a mental hospital, he having had little to do with it and yet now finding it incomprehensible, he’ll have to tell Zenkl about it all. Then he asks Josef to tell him how one should go about preparing a radio talk, for Krönert has never done one before, Herr Schrimpl having recommended ten minutes on “Our Yellow-feathered Friend at Home,” he needing to get the manuscript in within ten days, typed, and no more than 150 lines long, with no more than sixty characters per line, but Josef explains that he cannot be of help, today is his first day at the Cultural Center and he, too, is amazed by everything, to which Krönert says, “Indeed, it is amazing. You know, I don’t know anything about culture. But if there is any culture here, it must be pretty lousy if such a man is in charge of it.” Thus the two of them arrive at the ticket booth, where Frau Lawetzer is even busier as she hands out tickets to some people and is nervous, though Josef attempts to keep Herr Krönert from having to wait any longer by approaching the window from the other side, while those waiting complain about his bad manners and how everyone needs to wait in line, though Josef explains that he is there with instructions from the Director. Everyone then says, ah, the Director, well then why don’t you do something to improve things around here, the dreck you put on for films lasts a minimum of two weeks before there’s a new program, it’s the worst cinema in the city, and it’s only funded because it’s a cultural center, but the films are a cultural scandal, the lectures get worse and worse, the members no longer have any privileges, and they’re just treated like cattle, that’s what you can tell Rumpler upstairs. Josef has to listen to this and much more, as he begs their pardon, for it’s just a little matter that he has to take care of, and so he’s allowed to step up to the booth, where he gives the order to the cashier, though she explains that she cannot do anything about this request, it has to be signed by the Herr Professor, or at the very least by Dr. Horn and Herr Klinger, Fräulein Auer’s signature being no good, she has been chewed out by the old man whenever she accepts just any signature, so she can’t do so now. Josef then asks what he should do, the man has been
waiting so long already, and Professor Rumpler himself had given the order, but the cashier repeats that she can’t do anything, the best thing would be for Josef to go up again and get the right signature. He’d be happy to do so, but he asks Frau Lawetzer whether she can give him any cigarettes for Fräulein Auer. The cashier gets angry and complains, it’s not a time for cigarettes, you should appreciate that the customers are impatient and are complaining about the management, those waiting heartily joining in to support her, telling him that he should ask Rumpler to start keeping a better eye on things, otherwise he’ll be mucking out his stall for good. Josef has to shyly back off, as he soothes Herr Krönert and asks him to be patient, none of this difficulty is his fault, but he will make sure to get the right signature or bring down Fräulein Auer herself. Herr Krönert doesn’t seem as impatient as earlier and says, “The way things are run here seems really quite interesting.”
So Josef runs upstairs and rings the bell, but after ringing twice neither Michel nor anyone else comes, though a different door suddenly opens, after which the door to the stairs is opened by Rumpler, who is with Herr Kummerhackl, the Professor wanting to know what the young doctor now wants, and why he still doesn’t have a key to the office, he should get one from Herr Krupka, though Josef just asks for the Professor’s signature on the note from Fräulein Auer for Herr Krönert, but Rumpler responds, “Krönert, who is Krönert? I don’t know any Krönert. I’m not signing anything. You’re not scheduled to start here for another day, Doctor, so if I sign anything now we’ll have to pay you extra! Dash it all, I could spend all day signing things, everyone wants Rumpler’s autograph. I’m sorry, Doctor, but no way, Doctor, no way!” Josef says, “The man with the canary birds!” Rumpler, however, isn’t listening and wants to head downstairs, but that doesn’t happen, as a man and a woman pounce on him and the woman yells, “An outrageous injustice, Herr Professor, only ten minutes for Butterwegh! Please give me the fifteen minutes that an artist of my stature demands! I cannot successfully sing three Schubert lieder in ten minutes!” Rumpler replies, “What do you mean, successfully sing Schubert? Sing Beethoven or Bach if you can’t do Schubert in ten minutes, but fifteen minutes, that’s out of the question, we are overbooked, goodbye, a pleasure, take a note, go see Herr Schrimpl. Go see whomever you like, but not me! Come see me when
I have time, it will be a pleasure, Frau Butterwegh!”—“But when will you ever find time for me? I need to speak to you right now!”—“I don’t know, I don’t know, ask Dr. Horn, he knows when I’m free. Please don’t keep me any longer, I simply must go!”
Rumpler wants to leave, but the man stands in his way such that the Professor has to almost walk over him, the man not flinching as he holds Rumpler tight by his sleeve, saying, “Just a second, Herr Professor. My name is Klebinder. Last year I rented the little hall. It’s a charitable function. Not political. We need three rehearsals and then the evening itself. But it has to be cheaper than last year. We have a very ambitious program. It involves conservation.”—“That’s not my concern, not my concern!” yells Rumpler. “Dash it all, we also could use some charity and conservation here at the Cultural Center! There you are, my dear Kummerhackl, just see how we are badgered. I can’t manage it all! Meanwhile, social issues are the rub, and you want to talk about them on the radio and read from your book! Only politics matters these days. The only question you hear is, red or brown? Social issues no longer matter, for they’ve gone the way of human rights, for humanity is outmoded, and yet you still want to talk about it. It still existed for Goethe, indeed, but no one wants anything more to do with social issues!” Herr Klebinder returns to the issue of the rental cost with the Professor, who turns to him and says, “Yes, Herr Klebinder, what is it you really want from me? It’s the same situation as with Herr Kummerhackl. Do you think the Cultural Center is in the business of handing out charity? You don’t know today’s audience. You sit at home and a write a book while sitting next to your stove and now want to turn it into a charity. Excellent, but who will buy it? Who wants it? It won’t fly, my good man, the times for that are gone. Maybe before the war, but not today, for we can’t even fill the room for the Red Cross, and you expect us to raise conservation to the level of culture! I can hear the chickens laughing all the way in southern Calabria! It’s the same everywhere. Just ask Managing Editor Heinichen or the theater director Wenzig, none of it sells anymore! No one even puts on
William Tell
today. We did that with Wenzig for the schools, spectacular sets, a splendid production, reduced ticket prices, and a completely empty auditorium, which we had to fill with staff, just imagine! I’ll have to think about it, my good man, but meanwhile take care. Now, then, Herr Kummerhackl, you
must of course come along with me, but hurry, the taxi is waiting, Puttrich, I’m on my way!” Now Rumpler hurries off, Kummerhackl following him, but Michel suddenly appears, saying, “Please, Herr Professor! You’re wanted urgently on the phone!” Rumpler shouts up the stairs that he’s not available, and Michel yells into the office, “Sorry, Fräulein Grenadier, the Professor has already left!” It does no good for the Fräulein to run out, as the Professor is already gone, but someone opens a window in the office and yells down to him in the street that the general director of the radio wants to speak with him on the phone, and Rumpler replies, “I’ve already left!” He then climbs into a taxi, Kummerhackl following behind, and they’re gone.
Everything quiets down after Rumpler’s departure. Herr Schrimpl sits comfortably at his desk, unfolding a newspaper and casually unpacking items from a package, reading as simultaneously ten pieces of cake and torte from a bakery appear, at which Schrimpl tells Michel to bring a pitcher of water, but let the tap run so it’s cold. Josef asks whether Dr. Horn is in, to which Schrimpl replies, yes indeed, but no one can enter right now, because he just had a visitor and needs a moment to himself, Josef asking for Herr Klinger, though he learns that he’s been down in the cinema for a while. Josef then explains what he’s there for, namely about Herr Krönert, at which Schrimpl laughs, knowing the man still doesn’t have his loge seats and asking Josef to show him the note, at which he observes, aha, once again Lawetzer has refused to accept Auer’s signature, adding, “Herr Dr. Kramer, every new employee at the Cultural Center has stumbled much like you. This mishap has occurred because Lawetzer used to give out free tickets for the most preposterous of reasons conjured up by everyone here, until Rumpler threw a huge fit. We’ll just ring Lawetzer again.” Herr Schrimpl chews his cake piece by piece and doesn’t move from his spot, even though Josef says that Herr Krönert must indeed be growing impatient downstairs, Schrimpl chuckling, yes, one needs patience around here, you can’t just lock horns with anyone, for even if you don’t the Professor will badger you anyway, but first Schrimpl needs to eat, and then he will call Lawetzer, though Josef grows truly impatient, until at last Schrimpl says good-naturedly, “Hand the note here.”