Part of Me (Jessa & Paxton #1) (15 page)

I’m still fuming when I get to campus. That crap that Paxton pulled is not cool. He’s such a bastard. Plus, that asshole was right. I don’t know what the hell he did to me, but it was mind blowing and sexy and now all I can think about is him being inside of me, staring at me with those eyes of his. He’s a bastard because, despite the fact that this new Paxton that I just met turns me on in so many different ways, I was still holding onto the idea that he’s my friend. That all those people were wrong and there is nothing between us but a friendship. I finally found the closest thing I’m going to get to my ‘other half’ and I’m not throwing that away. I don’t want to throw that away. I don’t want to want Paxton and before this little stunt, I was able to live the lie that I was okay with just friends. But not anymore. And he will not have sex with me. What the hell is that about? Any random skank will do, but not me? Such a motherfucker.

“Jessa,” I hear a familiar voice call.

Shit.
I stop and wait for Dylan to catch up to me. “What’s up?”

“
Nothing. Are you headed to the English building?”

“Yep.”

“Cool, I’ll walk with you.”

I take a deep breath and continue to stomp across campus and he follows me.

“I’m sorry I hung up on you the other day. I was just upset that you moved out of the dorms- I miss seeing you every day. But I get it. I shouldn’t have been mad at you about it.”

“It’s fine, Dylan,” I mutter. I forgot about that phone call the minute the line went dead.

“So, how are things working out in your apartment?” he asks, cheerily.

I can’t help the
sarcastic laugh that leaves my mouth. “Things were good, until Paxton moved in.”

“Paxton’
s in town?”

“
Yep,” I manage to mutter.

“You two aren’t getting along?” he asks.

“No, not really,” I stammer.

Dylan falls silent then, which is fine with me.

“I know this doesn’t matter anymore, but what was going on with the two of you while you and I were doing whatever it was we were doing before we started dating?” He sounds embarrassed when he asks me this. After spending my time with Paxton and the guys he hangs around with, I can see how right Paxton was about Dylan - even the Dylan that I was just having sex with. He has none of the cocky confidence and attitude that guys like Paxton have. Everything’s a question, nothings a statement. In light of this morning, I’m wondering where that kind of swagger comes from. I can’t get my mind to think of anything but having sex with Paxton.

“Nothing was going on with the two of us. We were just friends,” I tell Dylan.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Jessa. I mean it doesn’t really matter anymore, does it?” he asks.

“Why would
I lie to you about that, Dylan? And no, it doesn’t matter now. And it didn’t matter then. We weren’t dating when Paxton came to River Bluff. We were just fucking,” I tell him harshly, taking my anger and sexual frustration from Paxton out on Dylan.

“You know, it sucks that that’s how things have to be with you, Jessa. I know you can’t relate, but it hurts to love someone and have them not give a
crap about you. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? The minute you stopped treating me like your sexual servant, you just stopped caring all together. There is something seriously messed up and twisted about that.”

I shake my head. Is it
Condemn a Girl For Acting Like a Guy
week in this city? Is Dylan about to give me the same speech I already got this week from Paxton? I’m tired of
men
telling me I have a problem because I don’t want to fall in love. “That’s beautiful, coming from you - a guy. Isn’t that what guys do? Don’t they just fuck girls and then leave them when they’ve had enough and are ready to move on to something prettier and more willing?” I’ve stopped walking now, turning to Dylan- I am ready for a fight.

“You need to deal with yourself. You seem to forget tha
t I’ve known you your whole life and that we grew up in a small town. When your dad left you and your mom for that girl, we all knew about it. When your mom lost her mind and started having breakdowns in her pajamas at the grocery store, we all knew about it. When she suddenly transformed into that lifeless old lady and married Dean, we all watched it go down. Everyone understands why you are so defensive and unreachable except for you. You act like it’s some statement, like it’s a choice. Maybe you need to think about what’s running through your head and stop trying to become just like him because all you’re doing is destroying people just like he destroyed you and your mom.”

I stare at Dylan in mild shock. He doesn’t know what the fuck he’
s talking about. There was a man that contributed to my views on love but it wasn’t my dad. But Dylan didn’t know me then. No one did. It pisses me off that he thinks I have an issue and that he’s capable of psychoanalyzing me. It takes me a moment, but eventually I throw my bag off my shoulder and lunge at him. He stumbles backward, losing his balance and I slam my hands into his chest so he falls down completely. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. The reason I no longer want you has nothing to do with the fact that my parents split up – most peoples do. If you can’t accept the plain and simple fact that you just weren’t doing it for me, then maybe you’re the one who needs to do the soul searching because I don’t have the fucking problem.”

He’s standing now and shaking his head at me. “I’m sorry
, Jessa. I didn’t mean that.”

“Can I give you a little piece of advice, so that maybe things pan out for you better in the future?”

“Sure,” he tells me, like I’m really trying to be helpful.

“Stop being such a
pussy and grow a pair of balls. You should be angry at me – what I did to you was shitty. Yell at me, tell me you hate me, but don’t presume that you know anything about me. Don’t try to make me into some damaged girl and attach excuses to my behavior in order to make what I did to you less cruel. I’m a selfish bitch who takes what I want and doesn’t care about how it might hurt anyone. This good guy shit isn’t doing anything for you.”  I turn and walk away from Dylan, feeling guilty. He doesn’t deserve to be hurt by me. When is he going to learn that, at this point, that’s all I’m good for as far as he’s concerned and just stay away? I take out my phone as I head into the English building.
Sorry. Having a bad day. Shouldn’t have taken it out on u.

He texts back
immediacy.
It’s ok.

I shake my head. Clearly he didn’t take any of my tirade to heart.

I pull up Vi’s number and text her before entering the classroom.
Can you meet me for a drink after work?

Love 2. Pick you up at 3.

K. Campus library.

I’m not going back to that apartment. Not until I figure out what the hell I’m gonna do about Paxton.

#

I’m throwing back shots
at a random bar like they’re water and I’m dying in the desert. Violet just stares at me with a smirk on her face. I have three down and I can feel the buzz so we order a couple of beers and head to a booth.

“You gonna tell me what’s going on?” she asks.

“It’s been a shitty day. Start to finish - it’s been hell.”

She laughs, “Are you trying to tell me things went
downhill
after picking up after Paxton this morning?”

“Yes. That was actually the highlight of my day.”

She stares at me, waiting for the details that I’m not sure I want to admit to her. “Paxton’s one of my best friends, but you are too. If there’s something you want to talk about, I can keep secrets and maybe give you some advice.”

T
rue. She knows more about him than I probably ever will and maybe has some insight into that messed up head of his. “He’s such an asshole,” I tell her. “I need him to be my friend. All I want is for him to be the guy that I used to know who totally had it in him to be an ass every once in a while, but was actually cool most of the time. Who I could at least have a normal conversation with without all this tension between us. I mean, he’s been back for three days and I’m already exhausted. I’m trying to maintain my cool but he tells the one guy I was interested in to fuck off, insists on sleeping in my bed, then thinks it’s okay to tell me how to live my life right before he brings that skank home and screws her in our room, and then he pulls this crap.”

Vi’s got her head cocked now and it’s clear she’s
holding back a smile. “What crap did he pull, Jess?”

“Ugh,” I say, frustrated.

“Just tell me. You’ll feel better once you have it off your chest.”

I close my eyes and then I tell her, “He got me off from the inside just bec
ause we told him it was not possible. He just shoved his hands in me and stared at me with those eyes of his and told me to come for him, and I did.” I open my eyes and Violet is no longer smiling but looks like she’s mildly stunned.

“I’m glad you guys finally got over yourselves and got it on, but what an asshole,” she mutters.

“Exactly,” I agree.

She holds up her
bottle of beer and says, “Well, here’s to your new fuck buddy.”

“Put you’re bottle down, Vi. H
e told me we will not be having sex. That if I need someone to get me off properly, then he will accommodate me, but he’s not going to have sex with me.”

She stutters a laugh. “Looks like it’s about time you gave the commitment thing another whirl.” She raises her bottle again, “Her
e’s to your new boyfriend.” She’s smiling from ear to ear.

“What are yo
u talking about? He doesn’t want to sleep with me, how does that make him my boyfriend?”

“Oh,
sweetie,” she says with mock pity. “You don’t get it, do you? He doesn’t want to sleep with you because he cares about you too much.”

I’ve already had this conversation and it’s very clear that that is not the case.
“Vi, this is Paxton we’re talking about. That is not the reason why.”

“Sure it is. What other reason would there be?”

“Um… he’s an arrogant ass who only did that to me to prove he was right. That other b.s. about getting me off… he was just throwing me a bone because I got all pissy and dramatic.”

She narrows her eyes at
me. “Are you blind?”

“Don’t start
with me again. I know, I know, there is
something
between us and yes, after this morning I want him, and I know he might want me too, because he wants lots of women. But he doesn’t want to be my FWB and he sure as hell doesn’t want to be my boyfriend.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” she says, rolling her eyes at me.

“You’re not helping me, Vi.”

“
What do you perceive the problem to be?”

“The
problem is that I want him. And I don’t even care anymore that he’s supposed to be my friend. I’m willing to take a chance. Even if it’s just once. Just one time. I want him and he told me it’s not happening.” My voice is getting louder and every organ in my body feels like it’s burning, but I can’t calm my ass down.

“He’s not going to be able to say no to you. If that’s what you want, then go get it.”

“What do you want me to do? Beg?”

“You will not have to beg… please. But
Jessa, don’t think too much. Just let whatever wants to happen, happen, okay. Don’t make decisions before there is anything to decide about.”

“Vi… it’s just sex. The only decision I will have to make is how I’m going to deal with my humiliation if he blow’s me off.”

“So what’s your game plan, girl?” she asks me.

“I don’t know…
walk in the apartment, hope he’s there, hope he’s had a few drinks, then demand that he has sex with me? Do you have any ideas?” I ask.

“He’s always talking about you hair. He loves your hair. You need to take it out of that ponytail.”

“Yeah?” I ask, taking my binder out.

“Do you not realize
when his hands are on you? He’s always got his fingers in your hair.”

“
That’s just Paxton.”

“That’s just Paxton
with you
. You don’t see him shoving his hands in my hair. And your lips, he’s always staring at them,” she says pulling some pink gloss out of her purse and rolling it across the table.

“Is he?” I ask, taking it and put
ting it on.

“Yes, Jessa. I swear, you need an eye exam. He loves your eyes too. He just flat out told me that.”

“What?” I can’t picture something like that coming out of his mouth. At least not out of the Paxton that I met three days ago.

“Anyways, none of that
matters because Paxton will give you whatever you ask him for.”

“Shit,” I whisper. I’m not sure why. I guess because suddenly, through Violet
’s eyes, he seems like the Paxton I know. Demanding sex from arrogant, closed-off, angry, playboy Paxton was one thing, but demanding it from caring, makes me laugh like no one can, awesome friend Paxton is different.