Perfectly Broken (13 page)

“Then why bring me here?”

“I don’t plan to stay mad.”

“Oh.” Susanna could think of nothing else to
say. She sucked at relationships, which was one big reason she
avoided them. Tomas didn’t say anything more about it right then,
making her wonder if she was expected to originate something. But
she was not the one who wanted to talk.

The waiter delivered the appetizer, and Tomas
indicated she should take what she wanted. Susanna picked up an
olive and nibbled on it. She watched him take some ham and put it
on a thick slice of bread, slather it with mustard, and take a big
bite.

Watching a man eat was carnal. Sex and eating
seemed to go together. As Tomas devoured his food, Susanna’s mind
wandered to sex. He looked up and smiled, as though he knew. She
looked away and sipped her wine.

Swallowing, Tomas gulped his wine to wash it
down. “Relax. I don’t bite.”

She smiled. “Actually, you do.”

His eyes gleamed. “Ah now, if you start talking
that way you will get us in trouble.”

“I think we already are.”

Tomas studied her for a moment.

“We don’t have to be,” he said. “It could be
good between us, Susanna. Don’t you see that?”

She shook her head.

Tomas fingered another piece of bread.

“I didn’t think you’d want to see me again,” she
blurted out.

He raised his eyebrows. “Why? Because I caught
you with another guy?”

“That’s one reason.”

Tomas frowned. “I didn’t like it. Seeing you
with him pissed me off.”

Susanna held her wine glass in both hands. “I
know. But you don’t have any hold on me.”

He forked more ham onto his plate. “I know that.
But can you explain to me…about all the sex.”

“You mean why I like it so much?”

“Not that. I like you to like it.” He paused. “I
meant why you have to do it with different guys all the time. I
don’t get it.”

Susanna sighed. There was no way for him to
understand. How could he?

“It’s hard to explain,” she said.

Tomas looked directly at her, his green eyes
unbearably sincere. “Try.”

“I’m depressed, Tomas. Surely you can see
that.”

“That explains hanging around funerals, but not
screwing half of Dublin.”

A single “ha” escaped her lips. “You think a lot
of me.”

“Sorry. I reacted. I didn’t mean to say that.”
His eyes softened. “Go ahead. I won’t interrupt.”

Susanna took a big sip of wine for courage.

“It’s like this, Tomas. I’m messed up.” She felt
grief surge, and swallowed, trying to hold it back. “I’m mentally
and emotionally broken in so many ways. You just don’t know.”

“I don’t want you to be,” he said, and Susanna
knew he meant it.

“I know you don’t. But you can’t fix it,
Tomas.”

His eyes softened. “Fix what, baby? I need to
understand.”

Susanna struggled for how to tell him.

Tomas reached across the table and touched her
hand. “Is it that you can’t get enough sex?”

She bit her lower lip. “Something like that.”
Susanna looked into his eyes, unsure how he would feel when he knew
the depth of her depravity.

Tomas squeezed her hand.

“It’s an addiction, Tomas. I didn’t plan it this
way. It’s just how it is. I’m alone. I just…need it. To get
by.”

His eyes widened. “Why sex? Why can’t you be
addicted to alcohol or drugs, something I might have a clue how to
fix?”

She smiled but felt no joy. “Who says I’m
not?”

That silenced him.

“I’m sorry, Tomas. If you insist on seeing me as
some kind of princess, you are going to crush both of us. I’m not
like that. I can’t be. You can’t expect me to be.”

He hesitated. “I don’t expect you to be anything
but what you are. I’m not trying to crush you. I’m trying to…”

“What? Save me?”

He just looked at her.

“Give it up, Tomas. Please. I’m begging you.”
She waited but he didn’t say anything. “You can’t save me. No one
can.” Tears formed in her eyes but Susanna held them back. “I can’t
even save myself.”

He shook his head. “I refuse to believe that,
baby.”

“You have to believe it. It is the truth.” She
wiped one tear away with her fingertip. “I’ve tried to change.
Really, I have. If I abstain from sexual gratification, I drink
more. Or use more drugs.”

He seemed to understand what she was saying, so
she went on.

“If I go cold turkey on the drugs and alcohol,
the depression is too bad. I’m so…alone. I crave the sex. Just
being with a man, having all his attention, if only for a short
time, is a crutch for me. And I can’t let go of it.”

She looked at Tomas but he didn’t say a
word.

“I can’t,” she said again. “I’ve tried. So hard.
I disappointed my parents, even after they made every effort to
help me. They got me into therapy, even. Maybe I just wasn’t ready
for it. I don’t know.”

She stopped, her heart ripping apart.

Susanna looked into his green eyes. “I don’t
want to disappoint you, too. Let me go while you still can, Tomas.
It’s the best thing. For both of us.”

Tomas took two big gulps of wine and refilled
their glasses.

“I don’t want to be just another conquest,” he
said.

“That’s what I mean. It’s what I’m trying to
tell you.”

He lifted his glass. “But I don’t think I
am.”

Susanna felt a finger of terror reach up and
grab at her throat. Was there no way to convince him? Tomas, if
anyone, would see through to her inner self. He would see that she
did care. And that would be frightening. What would she do
then?

“Tomas, I would be bullshitting you if I said it
wasn’t different with you. I don’t want to lie to you. But that
doesn’t make it right for us to have a relationship.” She took a
deep breath. “I cannot be with one man only. I told you that. If
you don’t leave, I’ll break your heart, and mine along with
it.”

He was silent.

She lowered her voice. “And I don’t want to do
that.”

Tomas raked his hand through his hair and took a
deep breath. “I don’t care, Susanna.”

“What?”

He shook his head. “I don’t care that you have
issues. I won’t leave you to work it out on your own. You’ve been
doing that for too long. I care about you. It’s too late for me not
to.”

“Oh, God.”

He held up a hand. “I’m not walking away. Get
used to the idea.”

“Shit, Tomas.”

He raised the menu in the air to signal the
waiter. “Now, let’s eat dinner.”

She stared at him.

“It will be okay, baby. I know you don’t think
so now. But something has changed.”

Susanna was almost afraid to ask. “What?”

He grinned at her, almost as if she hadn’t just
told him the worst about her.

“I’m here,” he said. “That’s what has
changed.”

The waiter came, and she let Tomas order for
them. She couldn’t think, much less make menu choices. It seemed
unreal that at every turn she had tried to warn him off, but it had
led to him moving in closer. She fought to catch her breath.

She wanted him too. Susanna really did. But it
wasn’t fair. Involving him in her life would destroy him. And she
liked him too much to see that happen. Yet she didn’t know what to
do. Tomas touched her deeply, and it had been hard enough to turn
away from him thus far.

Now, she was at his mercy. Something she wasn’t
used to. Susanna called the shots with men. It was
easy
to
control a man. Or so it had been. He was right about one thing.
Everything had changed when he showed up.

Tomas ordered a charred strip steak with
homemade chips, and chose roasted butternut squash stuffed with
cheese for her. She marveled at his ability to continue with their
date as if her prediction of gloom didn’t exist.

She managed to chat with him about Dublin, his
upcoming job, and even his search for an apartment. They were like
any two people on a date, enjoying the food and conversation. But
under the surface, much more was going on.

Susanna watched him carve his steak and eat it
in big bites. He was so masculine, the way he sat, the way he ate,
and the way he talked. Plus, she wasn’t able to get the vision of
how he looked naked out of her mind.

Tomas was the sexiest man she knew. And his
ability to talk with her about things no other man cared about only
pierced deeper into her heart. Susanna was used to being alone. She
was used to the cold, cruel world, and the people in it, who had
better things to do than be concerned about her.

But Tomas threw her off. She didn’t know what to
expect from him. And when he persisted in caring, it was too much
to handle. It made her feel like bursting into tears. Such a
reaction seemed contrary to the natural response to kindness that
one would expect.

Not for Susanna. His effort to understand her,
to be with her even though he knew her dark side, was getting to
her. It was just so nice. And
nice
she didn’t do. She had no
experience with it. Susanna was out of her element, in deep,
unfamiliar water, and sinking fast.

* * * * *

As the bottle of wine emptied, Susanna began to
relax. The alcohol soothed her, and Tomas didn’t press for more
answers. Just the opposite. He proceeded to talk and laugh like
they had nothing to fear. And that evening, his mood was
contagious.

He pulled out his cell phone and checked the
time. “I hope you don’t want dessert, because we are running short
on time.”

Susanna rubbed her belly. “I’m stuffed. Are we
on a schedule or something?”

“I’m taking you to the IMAX.”

“You are?”

“Yes, there is a replay of
Avatar
.”

“How did you know I like that movie?”

“How could you not?”

She grinned.

“Okay, I’m in.”

Tomas settled the bill and helped her out of her
chair. Fortunately, he took her arm, because Susanna was feeling a
little wobbly.

They took the light rail to the theater and made
it in time for the previews. Susanna loved IMAX. It was a thrill.
That was probably why Tomas liked it too. Though just being with
him was thrill enough, especially when he was having fun.

It was infectious, and Susanna ceased worrying
over what was going to happen. For a few hours, she would be okay.
Tomorrow would wait. When they found their seats in the dark
theater, she opened her purse and pointed to the tincture.

Watching
Avatar
while high would be
exhilarating. But Tomas shook his head. “Not tonight,” he
whispered, and reached over to close her purse. She pouted, but he
ignored her. Instead, he took her hand in his, still acting like
they were on a real date.

It was comforting. Not what Susanna was used to.
And she had to admit, she kind of liked it. She squeezed his hand
and watched him smile. Then he turned to her and kissed her
tenderly. The taste of his lips lingered, making her want more.

Tomas had chosen seats way up high, in the back
of the theater. The rest of the audience was below them, and being
at the top seemed to magnify the sensation of the IMAX effect. At
first, Susanna got lost in the colorful scenes of the movie.

It was mesmerizing. For that time, Susanna was
in that world, completely submerged in the animated life. Yet she
was aware of Tomas beside her. His thigh pressed against hers, and
he rubbed his thumb over the top of her hand. She wanted him.

Susanna wanted him every second she was with
him. She tried to focus on the movie, but when she glanced down she
saw that Tomas was hard for her. His pants hugged his muscled
thighs, and between his legs, under the soft material, his cock was
ready.

The sight made her body tingle. Tomas reached
over and put his arm around her. He stroked her neck with his
fingertips, making her throb for him. Though he kept his eyes on
the movie screen, Susanna knew he was alert to her reaction.

He pressed her head to his shoulder and kissed
her hair, lingering to smell her perfume. She gripped his thigh and
squeezed, then rubbed it. God, he was sexy. Tomas spread his legs a
bit and shifted in his seat. She knew his erection was
uncomfortable.

No one else was around. Lights from the screen
flashed over them as the scenes changed and evolved. But Susanna
was looking at Tomas. In the theater, lit only by the reflection
from the movie screen, he was sensual and dark. She stroked her
fingertips along his zipper, teasing him.

Turning to face her, Tomas lifted her chin and
kissed her. It wasn’t a quick kiss, but a long, hard one. She
whimpered quietly. His mouth stifled the noise. He reached over and
held her waist, and her panties got wetter than they already
were.

He licked along her lower lip and sucked on it
gently. Susanna ran her hands over his shoulders and down his arms.
He thrust his hands into her hair and gave her a lip-bruising
kiss.

“I want you to do something for me,” he
whispered.

She nodded.

He lifted her onto his lap with her back to his
chest, and put his arms around her. The top of her head came up to
his chin. He tilted her head back against his neck and reached
under her blouse. The feel of his hands on her breasts turned her
nipples to hard knots.

“I want you to do as I ask you,” he whispered in
her ear.

There was nothing she wanted more.

“Reach under your skirt and pull down your
panties.”

His command sent a tingle through her. It was
naughty and bold. They were in a public place. Whatever he had in
mind, it was exciting.

Susanna reached under her hem, and with her feet
on the floor, lifted up enough to slide her panties down. They
rested at her ankles, just above her shoes. She was hot for Tomas,
and getting hotter by the second.

“That’s good, baby,” he whispered, and nuzzled
against her ear.