Perfectly Broken (26 page)

She didn’t answer him for a moment, then,
looking into his eyes, she confessed. “I guess as much as I preach
doom and gloom, I’m not willing to give up hope. I suppose if there
was no hope, there would be no reason to live.” She took a deep
breath. “I added the silver petal to represent hope, and to remind
me that no matter how bad things seem, there is a chance for
good.”

“Do you believe that?”

“I’d like to believe that.” She looked at the
bubbles in the water, then back at Tomas. “You make me want to
believe that.”

Susanna touched his heart like no woman had. He
wanted her to have hope, and he wanted to see her happy. Tomas had
to believe that was possible. If he didn’t have hope, how could he
expect her to?

“As long as we are together, baby, there is
hope.”

She smiled. “More fairy tales?”

He shook his head. “No. Truth.”

Susanna looked at him as if deciding whether she
believed him or not. Then she floated over to him and kissed him.
“Whether it is or not, I’m glad I’m with you now.”

Tomas kissed her soft lips. “I’m glad too, baby.
Very glad.”

* * * * *

The next morning, Susanna left the apartment so
Tomas could get ready for work. Then she called in sick. She was
sick. Maybe not physically but emotionally. Fear claimed her mind,
and though she tried to view the relationship with Tomas
rationally, she couldn’t.

During intense sex, Susanna was okay. She was
used to that. Sex was something she knew well. But it was after
that unnerved her. An overwhelming feeling of wanting to be with
him scared her to death. She couldn’t cope, and couldn’t get her
feelings under control.

Her excessive behaviors threatened to surface.
And despite the kindness Tomas showed her, and the pleasure he gave
her, Susanna’s urge to be with a stranger was becoming harder to
ignore. The deeply moving sex with Tomas had been the impetus.

She wished she could be like other women, and
enjoy the developing relationship without issues. But when
confronted with real intimacy, a surge of terror rose inside her.
She could push it aside in the heat of passion.

But the next day, it was hard to come down from
the high. She didn’t know why she was like that. And she had no
clue how to deal with the type of closeness that Tomas offered. It
had never been an option for her before. In the past, she had been
aware of using sex to control.

She had been able to make a man do whatever she
wanted, if only for the hour they were together. Now Tomas had
shifted it around, and he had taken control. Susanna liked it, but
it scared the shit out of her. And for the life of her, she didn’t
know why.

Susanna went to her apartment to shower and
change. Dressed for the cold, she went out for a walk, and might
stay out all day. It was the only thing she had ever found that
helped, even a little. That is, if she was strong enough to resist
her impulses long enough to get out, and away from temptation.

The city was cold and gloomy, matching her mood.
Susanna strode down the street, not caring where she was going.
Anywhere was okay. As long as she kept moving, possibly she could
avoid trouble. But her mind wouldn’t shut up. It was driving her
crazy.

She thought back to the therapy she’d had many
years before. It hadn’t helped then, as she hadn’t been able to
embrace it. Susanna had been rebellious, and hadn’t seen a reason
to change. Though her parents had pleaded with her, it made no
difference. She had been a teenager, and sex hadn’t seemed
necessary to avoid.

It was only much later that she had realized it
was an addiction, and damaging. By then it had been too late. All
she had been able to do was try to keep it within certain limits.
She wrestled with the balance of drugs, alcohol, and sex. All the
while, she had been so lonely that some days she hadn’t wanted to
get out of bed.

She could hear the therapist’s words: “It is
only when normal developmental needs are distorted, usually through
early abusive experiences, that obsessive behavior emerges.” He had
said she was a woman who loved too much. But really, he was being
kind. She was a woman who fucked too much.

Susanna walked a long time, hardly noticing the
other pedestrians or hearing the traffic noise. At one point, she
started to cross the street, but wasn’t paying attention. A vehicle
nearly hit her, but skidded to a stop just in time. Her heart
pounded and she was lightheaded. The car honked and she continued
across the street.

A wild thought came to her.

The accident would have ended all her pain if
the car had hit her. Then she could be with her parents, and the
mother she never knew. The desperation of it all sent panic raging
through her. Susanna wanted desperately to find a pub and order
some wine. Or, if she were in Temple Bar, connect up and get
high.

She craved both in an effort to subdue her urge
to be with a man she didn’t know, someone she didn’t care about,
but who would gladly fuck her and make her the center of his
universe for that brief interlude. Susanna thought she might be
losing her mind.

Tomas had pushed her to it. She had tried to
send him away, over and over. But she wasn’t strong enough to make
it stick. When she was near him, or felt his warmth, it was all she
wanted.
He
was all she wanted. It made no sense that he
satisfied a deep need that touched her very soul, yet being with
him would destroy her.

*****

That day, Tomas had a company event that kept
him involved. On a break, he thought of texting Susanna but didn’t.
He wouldn’t be able to see her after work. There were a couple of
things he had to do, and he planned to check in on his grandmother.
The event would go late, and dinner with coworkers was planned for
afterwards.

But he missed Susanna, and was worried about
her. He couldn’t figure her out. When she was in his arms, she was
a dream come true. However, she was different the following
morning. It was almost as though the sex were a drug, and when it
wore off, she crashed back to reality.

That reality was one that Tomas was still trying
to get his head around. Sex with her was intense and pleasurable.
Yet he had the distinct feeling that she wasn’t letting him in. He
couldn’t get past the wall she had up. If he didn’t know her so
well, he wouldn’t have noticed it.

But he was beginning to see past her tough
exterior. Inside her, there was a disconnect going on. It was clear
to him that she had no tolerance for the exact thing she needed
most: intimacy. The passion she exhibited when naked and in his
arms did not involve her heart.

Thinking of it, a chill ran up his spine. What
if he couldn’t help her? What if it wasn’t fixable? It had to be.
It just had to. The instant he was done with the company dinner,
Tomas slipped out. He didn’t want to hang around. His grandmother
was expecting him, and he didn’t disappoint her. But the whole time
he was there, Tomas was distracted with thoughts of Susanna.

When he left, Tomas grabbed his phone to text
her, and saw he had a message from Alaina. It was good to get her
texts, as it anchored him in the real world. His relationship with
Susanna had carried him to the dark side, and though he craved her,
sometimes he wondered if he could actually save her. Or if she
would pull him into her world instead.

Alaina was doing well in school, despite the
partying. She was his sister, after all, and wild in her own way.
They weren’t so different from each other. In a few words, she
updated him on the family and James. In reply, Tomas let her know
how good it was to hear from her, and that things were fine for
him.

Except for the love department. But he didn’t
say that. He didn’t have to.

And the mystery girl?

Back, but not sure if she might disappear
again.

Don’t let her.

Tomas smiled. His sister’s simple approach to
life was refreshing. He could learn something from her. After
signing off, he went back to his apartment. It had been a long day,
and it was late. He grabbed a beer and plopped into a chair in the
living room.

He had it bad. Just being away from Susanna for
a day, he already missed her. At least he would see her the next
day after work. Before parting, they had agreed to get together.
She knew he had the work thing, but the next evening he was free.
It was going to be an interesting evening.

*****

The next day, Tomas left work a little early to
be at Guinness right when Susanna’s shift ended. He hadn’t told her
what he’d planned, as he didn’t want her to decline to go. The
place wasn’t far, and he held her hand the whole way.

“Why are you being so mysterious?” she said.
“Just tell me where we are going.”

On Dame Street, he headed for the walk-in
clinic. He had checked to make sure they were open late. Standing
in front of the building, he nodded toward the sign.

Susanna looked worried. “A clinic? Are you
sick?”

He shook his head. “No, nothing like that. I
just want us to get checked out, that’s all.”

She raised her brows. “What for?”

He shrugged. “It’s just safer. I worry. You’ve
been with a lot of guys, and it would put my mind at ease to know
that you don’t have any health issues. I don’t want you to die of
VD. And I prefer not to contract any exotic diseases myself.”

She stared at him.

“I’ll get checked out too. Just to be safe.”

Susanna appeared too surprised to argue. The
clinic was clean and the staff friendly. That late in the day, the
lobby was empty except for the two of them. They filled in the
paperwork and waited to be called in.

He held Susanna’s hand. She seemed a little
anxious. “How many guys have you been with?”

She bit out a reply, clearly annoyed. “I don’t
know, Tomas. It’s not like I make notches on my bedpost.”

“Guess that’s a lot.”

She managed a smile. “Too many to count.” She
paused. “Does that satisfy you?”

He squeezed her hand.

Susanna gave him a defiant expression. “What
about you? How many woman have you been with?”

He figured the direct approach was best.
“Plenty, and most relationships didn’t last long.” He leaned
forward. “But only one woman at a time.”

She studied him. “Hmm, interesting. Did you have
a girlfriend in Boston before you came here?”

Tomas had no trouble talking about that subject.
He was over her. “We broke up.”

“How come?”

“She didn’t like me gambling. And I had no plan
to stop.”

Susanna smiled. “Kind of addicted, huh?”

He laughed.

“So that’s the only reason you broke up?”

He shrugged. “Well, she didn’t like the kinky
sex.”

Susanna grinned at him. “The woman doesn’t know
what she’s missing.”

Tomas touched her cheek. “But it’s never been
like it is with you.”

She blushed, but didn’t say anything more.

It wasn’t long before they were taken back for
the tests, which went quickly. Tomas was glad they had them done,
and relieved to know they were both clean. It was especially good
to know that Susanna had managed to scrape by without issue so far,
despite her sexual habits. It was good that she was on the pill,
and made sure that any guy she was with used a condom.

The next part was going to be more difficult.
Tomas intended to get her to talk more about her past. He was up
for it, and just hoped that she was. “Want to walk a bit?”

“Sure.”

They bundled up and left the warm clinic.
Walking along the street under the pale illumination of the street
lights, Tomas was struck again by how beautiful Susanna was.

“Let’s talk,” he said.

“About what?”

Tomas spat out what was on his mind. “What
happened to you, Susanna? I know that your parents died, but what
about earlier? What about before they rescued you?”

Her expression darkened, and Tomas wondered if
it would have been better not to ask. But he had to. She couldn’t
keep it buried. Susanna needed to tell someone about the emotional
pain she had kept locked inside for too long.

She frowned. “That’s not a pleasant subject,
Tomas.”

“Will you tell me? I want to know.”

She took a deep breath. “I don’t talk about this
with anyone. Not even Rowan. Only my parents. And even then, just
once. They felt they needed to tell me what they knew. They thought
it might help.”

Tomas rubbed his thumb across her knuckles, and
they continued to walk.

“You know I had rough day yesterday…without
you.” She looked over at him. “I’m not sure this is a good time to
get into this.”

He put his arm around her. “I’m here. There is
no good time. Just try. I’m listening.”

Susanna began to tell him a few things. Her
voice was quiet and she gazed into the distance. She told him what
she remembered about going from one home to the next. How outcast
she felt. With no real parents, she was different from the other
kids in school.

“One time my mother told me about something that
happened to me as a baby. It had been in my records. That’s how she
knew.” Susanna paused. “I had been having shoulder pain. She told
me that as an infant, I was abused at the home I stayed in. The
people had carried me around by my hands.”

Tomas watched her carefully.

“Infants are developing, which is why it’s best
to carry them in your arms. I guess these people were hauling me
around by the arms and swinging me about. It stretched the
ligaments badly. I cried and cried. When I was returned to social
services, they provided treatment. But I still have shoulder pain
sometimes.”

“How could anyone be so stupid, or cruel?”

Susanna shook her head. “You have no idea,
Tomas, of the abuse I experienced. Many people take in a child for
the extra income from the government agency. They have no intention
of adopting.”