Perfectly Broken (27 page)

Tomas tried to envision the type of person that
didn’t care about children.

“Even as a very young girl, I was beaten, even
starved sometimes.” She looked at him, and he saw the pain in her
eyes. “I was so afraid. I wanted to run away, but I had nowhere to
go.”

“Susanna.” His heart was wrenching.

She bit her lip, and then continued. “It was a
long time before my parents met me, and before they took me in. I
couldn’t accept them at first. There was so much fear and mistrust.
I was old enough by then to have an idea of my status in life. Even
though they were kind from the start, I felt like it was a
pretense. And that they would turn into evil people as soon as I
was alone with them.”

Her eyes welled with tears, and she couldn’t
talk for a few minutes.

“I was terrified, and isolated. I probably
wouldn’t have made it at all if they hadn’t adopted me. My whole
life I’ve felt odd. I was never like the other girls. I was an
orphan. I didn’t belong anywhere.”

Tomas stopped walking and leaned against a brick
building. He pulled Susanna into his arms and looked into her eyes.
Tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Aren’t you angry about all that?” he said.
“Don’t you resent it?”

He hung on to her tightly, knowing the explosive
nature of the question. But it had to be said. Susanna had a right
to be angry, and it was destroying her to hold it inside.

For a minute, Tomas thought she wasn’t going to
answer. Then her blue eyes burned with fury, and she blurted out
what she was feeling.

“Yes! I am angry. It’s not fair. I hate my
mother for abandoning me. She had no right to do that. She got
pregnant, so she should have taken care of me. Anything would have
been better than what I had to live through.” She paused. “It’s
true, Tomas. I hate her.”

Susanna started to sob, and he held her a little
closer. “What else?”

“And I’m mad at my parents.”

“What for?”

She glared at him. “For dying…for dying, and
leaving me all alone!”

Susanna yelled the words in agony and then
sobbed. She put her head against his chest and cried. Tomas held
her, hurting for her. But he didn’t say more. He let her cry. Years
of anger and grief spilled out, and her body shook in his arms.

When she quieted, Susanna leaned back and wiped
her tears on her sleeve. Tomas brushed her hair away from her face
but didn’t let her go. He kept his arms around her, the only way he
knew to let her know she was safe.

Susanna looked at him, her eyes swollen from
crying and her skin pale. She looked traumatized but somehow
better. “Don’t leave me alone tonight,” she said. “Please, Tomas,
don’t leave me alone.”

He stroked her hair and kissed her softly on the
lips. “I’m here, baby. You’re not alone.”

* * * * *

They continued down the street, and Tomas didn’t
let go of her hand. Susanna couldn’t believe she had told him about
the abuse. Even the little bit she’d shared brought a flood of
terrible memories back. She had tried to forget that part of her
life.

But it would not go away. It was a part of her,
the part she despised. What she had never admitted before was the
anger. That she kept hidden away, and Susanna hadn’t even faced it
privately. It was frightening. Long ago, the therapist had tried to
get her to talk about her feelings. He had encouraged her to
express anger.

She had denied being angry. Pushing it aside,
she’d pretended it didn’t exist. Sometimes, like a monster, it
threatened to explode inside her. It was awful, and Susanna knew if
she let it out that something disastrous would happen. It was too
much to feel, and she wouldn’t survive it.

It seemed she would explode, right along with
her anger and resentment. It was better to push it down and never
look at it. But Tomas had made her look. He had wanted to know.
Though she didn’t know why. Why would someone who didn’t have to
deal with cruelty and abuse want to have anything to do with
it?

If she could have wiped it from her life, she
would have. And she certainly wouldn’t be anxious to dig up someone
else’s pain. Tomas had, though. And she felt better somehow. The
crying had exhausted her, and experiencing the anger had made her
feel good and bad.

It was good to release it, and say how she
really felt, though she hadn’t been aware she had needed to. But
she felt guilt for feeling that way about her parents, and about
her own mother. It was wrong to feel that way. It was yet another
defect in her personality.

Tomas stopped walking. It startled her back to
the present.

“Let’s go in here,” he said. “I think we could
use a drink.”

Susanna had no strength to argue, and she did
need a drink. The last couple of days had been tough. She slid into
a chair at the bar, across from Tomas. He ordered a beer, and a
glass of wine for her. He didn’t consult her, probably knowing she
wasn’t up to making any decisions then. Even one as simple as what
to drink.

They said nothing until the drinks arrived, and
Susanna was grateful for the silence. It would take a while to
recover from the emotional outburst. She sipped her wine, trying to
put the upset behind her and refocus on Tomas.

He looked over, his green eyes filled with
emotion. “You’re not allowed to feel guilty.”

“How did you know I was?”

“I know you.” He swigged his beer. “What you
experienced was wrong. You have a right to be angry.”

Susanna thought about that. Whether he was right
or not, it didn’t change how she had felt. “Now that I told you, I
don’t feel quite so angry.”

“That’s good.”

“My parents were victims. They didn’t leave me
by choice.” She took a sip of wine, feeling a little better. “And
my mother did what she had to, I suppose. The thing that is the
hardest is always wondering why it had to happen to me.”

Tomas touched her hand. “I know, baby.”

They finished their drinks and left the pub.
Susanna didn’t have much of an appetite, so Tomas picked up a pizza
on the way back to his apartment.

He opened a bottle of wine, and while he munched
on his pepperoni pizza, they watched a movie. Susanna didn’t want
to be alone, and was drained from their earlier discussion. She
tried getting lost in the movie, and it worked for a while.

She sipped her wine and tried to follow the
action. It was one of those plots where it was hard to keep track
of who everybody was, or how they were involved with each other.
But Tomas liked the spy stuff, and she didn’t really care what they
watched.

Susanna must have fallen asleep, because she
woke when Tomas carried her to the bedroom. It was quiet, and the
room was dark. She slipped out of her clothes and crawled into bed
next to Tomas. He curved around her with his chest against her
back, and she fell asleep again.

Early the next morning, light came through the
window and Susanna opened her eyes. She stretched and rolled onto
her back, then noticed that Tomas was already awake. He smiled at
her, and she smiled back. She could feel him pressed against her
leg.

Susanna wanted him, and he was ready for her. It
was the first time they had made love without a condom, and the
feel of Tomas inside her was amazing. He made love to her and it
was sweet. It made her feel wanted, and she didn’t feel so
alone.

Humming with pleasure, she nestled in his arms
and draped one leg over his. Susanna closed her eyes, holding on to
the moment and putting off facing the day. Tomas stroked her
shoulder and kissed the top of her head.

Finally, they got up, in no hurry to be
anywhere. It was Saturday and they could be together. They showered
and took time washing each other. Susanna loved the feel of his
muscled body, the hardness and masculinity of it.

After they dried off, Tomas walked over to a
tall chest and pulled open a drawer. Susanna walked up behind him
and put her arms around his waist. She saw him reach in for a pair
of briefs, and then something caught her eye.

She leaned around him and grabbed it out. In her
hand, she held the panties she’d had on the day they’d met. Moving
around to face Tomas, she held the lace up high and smiled at him.
“You kept them?”

He grinned. “Of course I kept them. They smell
like you.” Tomas grabbed them from her hand, pressed his nose into
the lace, and took a deep breath. “Sweet,” he said. “So sweet.” He
put them back in the drawer and closed it. “I hope you weren’t
thinking of taking those back.”

She put her palms on his cheeks and kissed him.
“No—if you like them, you keep them.”

“Better get dressed,” he said. “I like you that
way, but you’re going to freeze outside if you don’t get some
clothes on.”

Susanna went over to the chair where her clothes
from the night before were draped. “Where are we going?”

“I need some breakfast. How about you?”

There was an empty feeling in her stomach. “Yes,
I am hungry. I can’t remember the last time I ate.”

“That’s not good.”

It was time for either a late breakfast or an
early lunch, so Tomas took her to a brunch place. All they’d had
that morning was the coffee he’d brewed at the apartment, and they
were both in need of some good food.

The restaurant offered a wide variety. Susanna
had eggs Benedict and a cappuccino to go with it. Tomas was
starving and had no patience for the lighter breakfast choices. He
ordered a burger, fries, and black coffee. Thankfully, the service
was fast.

The meal was good, and Susanna savored each
bite, thinking it was some of the best food she could recall. Tomas
barely stopped to breath, inhaling his burger and making short work
of his fries. When he leaned back to take a drink of his hot
coffee, he sighed with relief.

“Remind me to feed you more often,” she
said.

He gave her a knowing smile. “Yes, I do have a
voracious appetite.”

Susanna finished up and pushed her plate aside
to focus on her foamy drink. It did feel good to eat. She felt
alive again. The creamy drink went down well, and she made a note
to come back another time for their cappuccino.

Tomas looked over at her. “Are you doing okay
today?”

She nodded. “Sure. Better.”

He smiled.

She looked at him with big eyes. “Maybe you
could tell me the rest of that fairy tale.”

“Oh, you’re curious, are you?”

She nodded. “So we left off where the maiden
said she would take Connla to a world where there was no strife and
everyone lived in joy. A bit far-fetched.”

Tomas grinned. “That’s why they call it a fairy
tale.”

“Okay, smarty.”

He continued the story. “The maiden wants to
take Connla away with her, promising him happiness forever.”

“Does he go?”

Tomas leaned closer to her. “Well, the king
heard the maiden say that and he didn’t want to lose his son. He
was alarmed that an invisible maiden had come to take his son
away.”

Susanna raised her eyebrows. “What did he
do?”

“He called upon his men, knowing they could
unravel the mystery,” Tomas said.

“Did they?”

He took a sip of coffee. “Well, before they
could do anything, the maiden vanished. Even from Connla’s
sight.”

Susanna gasped. “So that’s it? She was
gone?”

He shook his head. “Oh, no. The fairy maiden
dropped an apple at his feet, so he would know she was still there.
And every day he ate it, but every night it grew whole again. Ever
since the maiden had appeared, Connla would speak to no one else.
He longed for her.”

“Did she come back?”

Tomas grinned. “You’ll have to wait and see. The
story’s not over.”

She stuck out her lower lip. “But you know how
it ends.”

“Possibly. But you’ll have to wait to find out.”
He smiled at her. “Good things take time, you know.”

Susanna laughed. “You’re so mean. It’s hard to
wait.”

Tomas swigged his coffee, unaffected by her
drama. “I guess you’ll have to learn to have patience.”

Seeing that Tomas would not be persuaded to
continue the story, Susanna changed the subject. “You know, I think
you’d like Rowan if you got to know him.”

“Your friend?”

She nodded. “Yes, we’ve know each other for a
few years. He’s into online stuff too…does some fancy graphics.
You’d probably hit it off.”

Tomas looked unsure.

“He is one of the only men I know that I haven’t
slept with.”

Tomas looked amazed. “What’s wrong with
him?”

She pouted. “Nothing. He’s a gentleman, that’s
all. He’s been a good friend.” She thought for a moment. “I hope he
finds the right girl one day.”

Tomas appeared to think it over. “I’m glad you
have a friend. He’s okay with me if he’s been good to you.”

“He has been.”

After paying the check, they decided to take a
walk by the river, crossing back and forth over the many bridges.
It was a chilly day, but beautiful. Susanna felt different in a way
that was hard to describe. Defenses she’d built up had begun to
chip away.

It was his doing, and Tomas was doing it
intentionally. She had no doubt about that. It was the first time a
man she’d had sex with actually cared about her. The feeling was
new, and a bit awkward. Susanna wasn’t sure what to make of it.

They took off walking and ended up at
Sandymount, a strand that was a shallow mudflat that attracted
thousands of birds every year in the winter. It was not far from
town. At low tide, the beach stretched for miles. They walked
holding hands, and saying hello to the locals walking their
dogs.

At that time of day, there were mostly gulls
flying, and a few geese. There was a light breeze and some clouds
drifted overhead. Tomas seemed content just to be with her, and
went for long periods without talking.