Perfectly Broken (23 page)

Dressed for another cold day in the city,
Susanna waited outside until she saw Rowan striding down the street
toward her. It was so good to see him, and she walked down the
sidewalk to meet him.

She gave him a friendly hug. “I’m so glad you
could hang out with me today.”

Rowan looked at her, his pale blue eyes showing
concern. “Did something happen?”

“Oh God,” she said. “Let’s walk and I’ll tell
you.”

They made their way toward Temple Bar. Susanna
didn’t have a plan, and wasn’t sure what they were going to do
together. It was cold out, though, and she was glad when Rowan
guided them into a café for some hot coffee.

“Hungry?” he said.

“I should be. I didn’t have much breakfast. But
I’ll just have a cappuccino. My stomach is kind of in knots.”

“Hmm, not good.” Rowan ordered his usual triple
espresso and the cappuccino for her. He found a table for them by
the window. “Okay, spill it.”

Susanna looked down at the foam on her drink,
then back at her friend.

“I’m a mess,” she said.

Rowan’s eyes gleamed. “Um, and this is new?”

Susanna laughed. “Only you could get away with
saying that to me. But you’re right. It’s nothing new.” She paused
and took a sip of her drink. “But it’s different now. With
Tomas.”

Her friend sipped his espresso but kept his eyes
on her.

She shrugged, but there was nothing casual about
how she felt. “Tomas does something to me. Something no one else
does. And I’m becoming attached.”

He widened his eyes. “And that’s bad?”

Susanna nodded. “Yes, very bad. Because of my
character defects.”

He grinned. “That’s a different way of putting
it.”

She smiled. “Okay, because of my addictions. Is
that better?”

Rowan tapped the table with his fingers. “So
where is this headed?”

She ran her hand through her hair. “I don’t
know, Rowan.” She sighed. “I’m afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“Everything. Of myself. Of the relationship.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “I’m already obsessed with him. And it’s
only going to get worse. But I know I’ll screw up. I always
do.”

Rowan studied her. “I’m no relationship expert.
We both know that. But you are a good person, Susanna. That has to
count for something.”

She lifted her drink and stared at the steam
coming off of it. “I don’t know, Rowan. You’re my friend. I
appreciate your faith in me. I wish I had the same feeling. And you
know the worst part?”

“What?”

Susanna looked up. “That I’ll hurt Tomas, even
though I don’t want to. And that’s the part I won’t survive.”

They sipped their drinks for a few minutes
without saying anything more. It was good to tell Rowan how she
felt. At least she could tell someone. And he would never judge
her. Possibly the best thing would be to end it with Tomas before
things fell apart.

Yet she had tried to do that early on. And now
he was a part of her life. She wasn’t quite sure how it had
happened, but it had. It felt like she was walking toward a cliff,
and despite his efforts to save her, Susanna would step over the
edge anyway.

Now that she’d had a taste of him, knew how it
felt to really be with him, Susanna didn’t want to walk away. Like
a selfish child, she wanted more of what she couldn’t resist. And
she knew when Tomas called that she would see him.

Rowan finished his espresso and put the cup
down. “Are you done?”

She nodded.

“I say we go for a walk, a very long walk. For
hours. Maybe days.”

She laughed. “You know me too well.”

“Well, maybe not days. But when your legs give
out, we’ll hit one of the pubs and have fish and chips with ale.
Preferably at one of the places with live music.”

Susanna took his arm. “Great idea.” Then she
stopped and looked at her friend. “Thank you, Rowan.”

He raised his brows. “For what?”

She smiled. “For being my friend.”

* * * * *

The next day, Tomas didn’t call Susanna. He had
to think things through. All through work, he was distracted. It
was clear that there was something about her that was beyond his
grasp. She was depressed and gloomy, yet he was drawn to her.

The attraction was strong, and he had no desire
to break free of it. Susanna satisfied a deep need. Where other
women had rejected him, she liked the things he did with her, and
asked for more. It turned him on, and the prospect of what they
might do together excited him.

But she was unhappy. Susanna had problems, and
though he had refused to agree that her issues would be fatal to
their relationship, he was worried. Tomas didn’t know what she
would do next in her desperation to save him. He knew that’s what
it was.

Susanna had no faith in herself or her ability
to change. He tried to imagine the grip of addiction that was so
powerful it could not be denied. The only thing that came close in
his mind was his need for her. But he knew it wasn’t the same. And
he was at a loss over how to help her.

Somewhere along the way, his life had shifted.
Tomas could no longer return to things as they were. Compared to
Susanna, other women seemed so average, even dull. The thrill of
her submission, even her darkness, stirred a fire inside him.

He hadn’t realized he’d needed it in quite that
way. It had been an urge he’d had for a long time. But he had
failed to find a sexual partner of like mind. So it wasn’t the
same. It was all about the pleasure he could give a woman, what he
could make her feel.

If she didn’t want it, or rejected it, then it
took all the feeling out of it. Tomas had given it up for a time,
but with Susanna it had seemed right. It
was
right. She was
the woman for him, whether she thought so or not. And he wasn’t
about to let her go.

His sexual inclinations had never been more
evident. And now that she had whetted his appetite, he was hooked.
He wanted her. Only her. Tomas determined to make it work between
them, though he had no clear plan in mind.

His coworker startled him out of his reverie.
“I’m heading down to the gym after work. I could use a spotter. You
interested?”

Tomas had become friends with Jason Vail, and
they worked out together sometimes. There were a couple of projects
at work they had in common as well. Once in a while, they grabbed
lunch or went out for a beer after work.

“Sure, good idea.” Tomas could use a good
workout to clear his head.

The afternoon dragged despite the passion he had
for his job, and Tomas was glad when it was time to head down to
the gym. The workout was hard, and he could do more since they
spotted each other. He gave it his full effort, and the hour ended
with him drenched in sweat.

“Want to grab a beer?” Jason said.

Tomas headed toward the locker room. “I could
use one. Let’s shower up and head over to Porterhouse. They have
some good lager.”

Jason wiped the sweat from his forehead. “And
good grub. I’m hungry. I could go for a porterhouse loaded with
grilled onions.”

After a hot shower, they stowed their workout
gear and took the Luas to the pub. It was dark out, but the
tree-lined streets in the area were well lit. Not far from the
drop-off was the Porterhouse Brewing Company, an establishment that
claimed to be the first pub in Dublin.

They made their own beer, and also served other
popular brews. The place was hopping, probably from the after-work
crowd. They went to the bar and found a table. The noise level was
high, but they could still hear each other talk.

After ordering their dinners, they waited for
their drinks. They’d each ordered one of the craft brews, and they
were delivered promptly. They were on their second beer by the time
the food arrived. The steak was juicy and really hit the spot.

Jason talked about his girlfriend. She worked
nights at a local restaurant, and he wished he could see her more.
“Maybe we can double sometime. Are you seeing anyone?”

Tomas nodded. “Yeah, her name is Susanna. You’ll
have to meet her.”

Jason stuffed some fried onions in his mouth.
“That sounds good. What does she do?”

Tomas filled him in a little about her job at
Guinness and her volunteer work with kids. Just talking about her
made him miss her more. He wasn’t sure why he said it, but a
thought occurred to him and he shared it with Jason.

“She puzzles me, though.”

Jason looked up. “How so?”

“Ah, how to put this…she isn’t into
commitment.”

He raised his brows. “Are you?”

Tomas shrugged. “I might be. But the thing is,
she doesn’t want to give up seeing other guys.”

His friend took a gulp of beer. “So she’s
screwing others guys while you’re dating her?”

“It seems so.”

Jason shook his head. “That’s tough, man. I can
see if you were playing the field, but it’s a blow to the ego when
your chick is doing it.”

“Yeah, I know.” Tomas took a chance. “Have you
ever heard of sex addiction?”

Jason took another swig of beer and nodded.

Tomas was immediately interested. “What do you
know about it?”

Leaning back, his friend took a breath before
answering. “Not a lot. I’m no authority. But my sister was married
to a guy and he couldn’t seem to get enough. It broke up their
marriage.”

Tomas frowned. “Didn’t he love her?”

Jason nodded. “Yeah, he did. But she told me
it’s like being an alcoholic or something. The person can’t
stop.”

“Did she say why?”

His friend gulped more beer. “Well, her
therapist told her that it’s never really about the sex. Partly,
it’s a way to deal with emotional pain, or to escape a situation.
And I guess basically the person is insecure. At least, that’s the
best I understand it.”

“Couldn’t your sister get him to stop?”

He shook his head. “She tried. For years she
tried, but it’s not an easy thing…to come back from addiction.”

Tomas thought of Susanna’s statement: “I don’t
know if I can be fixed. I don’t think I can.”

Jason pushed his plate aside and reached for his
beer. “So it can happen to women too?”

Tomas nodded once and munched idly on a crispy
onion. “I guess so. But there has to be something that will
help.”

“My sister has talked to me about it,” Jason
said. “She went through a lot. I guess an addict uses the sex to
feel accepted, in a way. It’s an intimacy issue, a way to get love.
Even though it’s misguided. But even the psych couldn’t cure
him.”

“But isn’t the therapist supposed to know?”

Jason leaned forward on his elbows. “He said the
behavior is just the tip of the iceberg. There are motivations that
can be hidden. Often there is anger connected with the inner
emotion. And sometimes it’s a mystery. Even when you love someone,
you can’t help them.”

His heart sank. “That sucks.”

Jason raked a hand through his hair. “Yeah, it
was rough. My sister had to divorce him. She was left with no
choice.”

Tomas let the gravity of the situation sink in.
More than once Susanna had tried to tell him that she couldn’t
change. If her problem was anything like what Jason was describing,
he could see why. There was a discouraging finality about it
all.

They finished their beers and left the bar.
“Catch you later,” Jason said.

“Thanks, man. See you at work.”

Tomas went to his apartment. He had an idea. It
wasn’t much of one, and doubt nagged at him. He was no
psychiatrist, but maybe if he understood what he was dealing with
he’d stand a chance with Susanna.

It might be a small chance. But he’d take it.
Even from what Jason had shared, Tomas felt more strongly that he
didn’t want her to face it alone. It was an addiction, and it was
tough to fight. Though it was easy enough to tell a person to quit,
clearly it wasn’t that simple.

At his apartment, he booted up his computer,
determined to find out what more he could. Tomas was amazed that
there was quite a lot of information on the subject. He’d had no
idea. Apparently the addiction was well known and documented. It
was prevalent with both men and women.

He scanned several articles, and learned that
the main symptoms included a loss of control and failed attempts to
stop the unwanted sexual behavior. The person suffered negative
consequences from their lifestyle, such as anxiety or
depression.

Everything he read described Susanna, the woman
he cared about.

It was a compulsive quest to satisfy unmet
emotional needs. The hunger to connect was combined with fear and
mistrust. Thinking about what little Susanna had told him about her
life, he could understand how that fit.

She was a woman, alone in the world, orphaned as
an infant. Then the only people she thought she could count on, her
adoptive parents, had died. It had to have been devastating. Tomas
could hardly imagine what that would feel like. It seemed so
unfair.

Yet Susanna was strong. Despite everything, she
kept a job and had a life, such as it was. Though he had to admit,
she endangered it every time she messed around at work. His eyes
locked on to a story about a young woman who suffered from the same
addiction as Susanna.

It described that she craved sex and the intense
moments of undivided attention it provided. Sexual encounters gave
her the feeling that she was totally desirable, wanted, and needed.
The goal became to have sex as often as possible. It was a high for
her, and it made her feel good about herself. Though it wasn’t long
lasting.

The woman had been warned that if she took
another “unwarranted two-hour lunch” or was found in the office
lobby talking to a client about “non-business concerns,” she would
be fired. But the article explained that compulsive and risk-taking
behavior causes individuals to feel out of control, so they are
unable to sustain relationships they long to be able to keep. They
continue to put their jobs, and their lives, at risk.