Perfectly Broken (19 page)

That might be his ego talking. However, wanting
to be with one woman he cared about made sense. Tomas tried to
imagine being in another woman’s bed while he felt like he did
about Susanna. But he couldn’t picture it. He just didn’t want to
be with any other woman.

Anger boiled in his veins. It ticked him off,
and he had nowhere to strike. Watching her walk off with her friend
had made it worse. Tomas was jealous, of everyone and everything
that took Susanna from him. But he had no idea what to do about
it.

He thought of the fairy tale, of Connla, and the
maiden that would take him to a land where everyone lived forever
in joy. Well, Susanna had certainly taken him to the Plains of
Pleasure, but unfortunately, it wasn’t forever. That’s why it was
called a fairy tale.

Before he got back to his apartment, Tomas got a
text from his sister.

Just saying hello.

He texted back. Alaina was at home, and planned
to go out with James later. She had been with her same boyfriend
for a while, and he wondered if it would last.

What about the vanishing woman?

Tomas would have smiled at her teasing if he
hadn’t been so despondent.

Gone again.

Sorry
, she texted back.

Yeah, me too.

He missed hanging out with his sister, joking
around with her. Tomas was reminded that he didn’t have any real
friends in Dublin yet, just coworkers. He had spent more time with
Susanna than anyone else, and now it looked like that was going
nowhere.

When he got to his apartment, Tomas changed
clothes and headed to the gym. On a Sunday it would be pretty
quiet. That suited him. He just wanted to lift some weights, fight
with a barbell or something. Anything but sit around his apartment
and mope about Susanna.

He made it to the gym, and not another soul was
there. Though some employees put in extra time on the weekends, no
one was working out. He cranked up the music and worked hard,
hoping to take his mind off his problems.

Sweating and breathing hard, Tomas thought about
why Susanna turned out like she did. The woman was a beauty, and
smart too. She could do anything she wanted. But she didn’t know
that, and that was where the trouble was.

Probably, Susanna thought all men wanted from
her was sex. She was hot. No arguing that. It was hard to conceive
that she thought that was all she was worth. There was so much more
to her than that. And that was why Tomas cared about her.

She was an intriguing person, and had depth he
wasn’t used to. Her self-esteem issue could be dealt with. Tomas
could show her how much she meant, give her insight into what a
wonderful woman she was. If only she could see herself through his
eyes.

But she wouldn’t give him the chance. Susanna
refused to stop sleeping with others. She wouldn’t even consider
it. So where did that leave Tomas?

*****

One week went by, and then the next. Susanna
went to the YWCA, but it wasn’t to make use of the facility.
Sometimes she went to use the indoor pool. She liked to swim, and
it was too cold outdoors for water sports.

She went to read to the kids. Many boys and
girls came after school to participate in sports or get help with
homework. As a volunteer, Susanna liked to read to them. Reading
books was like going into other worlds, or taking a trip to another
universe.

Sitting on a stool in front of a group of
children engrossed in the book, it was like they all travelled to a
foreign land where the story took place. Each time she entertained
them, Susanna chose something different so they would not be
bored.

Watching their eyes get wide at different
passages, or hearing their gasps over something surprising, was
satisfying. Growing up, Susanna had not had much parenting. It was
little enough to offer her services to children once a week.

She wished she could do more. The thought of
Tomas telling her a fairy tale crossed her mind. He hammed it up,
telling her that he was the prince. He had such an imagination. If
he were entertaining the group, he wouldn’t need a book to read.
Tomas could tell tales, creating them as he went.

Susanna missed him. But she hadn’t contacted
him. Many times she had held the phone in her hand, wanting badly
to text him. To tell him to come over. Or to meet her. But she
hadn’t. Where she got the strength to resist, she didn’t know.

She wanted to be the fairy maiden he spoke so
highly of, the one who took him to the Plains of Pleasure. It was
just a dream, though. A nice one, but still just the product of a
vivid imagination. Tomas was a man she couldn’t blot from her
mind.

It would have been easier if she could.
Remembering how his arms felt around her, or his lips against hers,
drove her crazy. She had been drinking more after work, and
sometimes during her shift. Though she told him she wouldn’t give
up other men, Susanna found that in the past couple of weeks she
hadn’t connected with any guys.

But that wouldn’t last. She felt empty and
alone. She needed to be in a man’s arms, and have him tell her how
much he wanted her. Maybe just for an hour, she didn’t feel like
nobody. In those moments of heated passion, Susanna was an object
of desire.

It filled the void, although only temporarily.
Her craving for it grew by the day, and Susanna knew she would soon
give in. It was either that or drink until she fell into a stupor.
Or get high until she forgot where she was, and for a few hours her
miserable life didn’t exist.

Those excesses were dangerous. More dangerous
than her sexual habits, where she took precautions. And, luckily,
she had never had any trouble. She knew she walked a tightrope; a
man could easily overpower and hurt her. Or she could contract a
disease. Which was why she insisted on the use of a condom.

Susanna was caught in a trap. One that had no
clear exit. She was sad, and the thought of seeking out a funeral
to attend seemed appropriate. But even that would just remind her
of Tomas. He’d ruined everything. She seemed wholly incapable of
restoring her life to how it was before she had met him.

At the end of the reading session, the children
filed out, looking for their parents. One brown-haired girl with
green eyes stayed behind. She was an inquisitive child, and very
bright.

“What is it, Isadora?”

The small girl pulled herself up on Susanna’s
lap and hugged her.

“That story scared me,” she said.

“It’s not real, honey. It’s make-believe.” She
stroked her soft curls, held up in a shiny ribbon. “Are you okay
now?”

Isadora looked up and gave her a little grin.
“Better.”

Susanna hugged her and let her slide off her lap
until her feet touched the floor again. “That’s good.” Looking up,
she saw a smiling face in the doorway. “There’s your mamma. She’s
here to take you home.”

The pretty little girl ran to the door and into
her mother’s arms. Isadora called back as her mother lifted her up
and carried her off with one wave in Susanna’s direction. “See you
next time.” It was special to have a mother who loved you. One who
came to get you and take you home.

It was touching to watch. Susanna didn’t have
much personal experience with mother/daughter relationships. Seeing
Isadora and her mother made her miss her own adoptive mother. They
had been close, though maybe not as close as she might have been
with her natural mother.

She would never know. The void inside her ached,
and the emptiness she felt showed no sign of abating. It would be a
lonely night in the apartment if she went home. That was one reason
Susanna decided to go out every night. At least she had other
people around her, even if they didn’t know her.

Sometimes she had dinner with Rowan, but he
wasn’t always available. He frequently worked late. And he had
other friends, guys he hung out with. She couldn’t be with him all
the time, and she wouldn’t want to anyway. Yet between working in
the gift shop and drinking her way through the endless hours of the
night, Susanna’s life was downright depressing.

She wouldn’t think about it. She couldn’t. That
would only make it worse. Susanna stood up and smoothed out her
skirt. Grabbing her coat from the back of a chair where she’d left
it, she looked toward the doorway. Isadora and her mother were
gone.

But there was another face in the doorway. One
she was even happier to see.

“Tomas,” she said, unsure if she spoke his name
or just thought it.

He wore a coat with a scarf, and his goatee was
not as neatly trimmed as she was used to. His hair was mussed from
the wind, and the look in his green eyes was soft. Susanna’s heart
leapt.

“I stopped by your apartment, and Kiara told me
you were here.”

Susanna realized she had stopped breathing.

“I missed you, baby,” he said, and opened his
arms.

She went to him and fell into his embrace. It
felt so good. Not just to no longer be alone, but to be with Tomas.
Closing her eyes, Susanna hugged him tighter and breathed in his
masculine scent. He smelled like outdoors, faint cologne, and
virility. There was nothing better.

When she lifted her head to look up at him,
Tomas gazed into her eyes. His longing was evident, and matched
hers. The touch of his lips to hers was sensual, it connected her
to him, and feeling radiated between them. Behind them a group of
people walked by, talking loudly, and some children shouted.

Tomas released her from the kiss and smiled. She
stood back, her coat still over her arm.

Then he frowned. “Have you been eating?”

Susanna shrugged. “Do mixed drinks count?”

His eyes got big. “As a food group?” He shook
his head. “Nope. Not good enough. I’m taking you out to
dinner.”

She smiled.

He hesitated. “Unless you have plans.”

Susanna shook her head. “No plans. Now that I’ve
seen you, you
are
my plans.”

He helped her with her coat and escorted her to
the door. “So where are we going?” she asked.

Tomas held the door open for her. “Pizza
okay?”

She brushed past him. “Sure.”

“That’s good. I like Irish food and all, but
sometimes pizza just hits the spot.”

“I know what you mean.”

The place he took her to was packed. He wasn’t
the only one in the mood for pizza. They were seated upstairs,
close to the bar. Although the restaurant was casual, it had
candlelit tables and a cozy feel. They ignored the noise around
them and studied the menu.

Tomas ordered a large pizza with half pepperoni
for him, and the other half vegetarian for her. It came with
mushrooms, peppers, and red onions. Susanna’s mouth was already
watering. Their Irish ales came right away, and she took a big
gulp. It felt good going down.

She was a little nervous being with Tomas again,
and didn’t know how it would go. Susanna took another sip. “This is
good. Once in a while, a beer is just the thing.”

Reaching across, Tomas touched her hand. “I’m
glad you like it.”

They looked around, taking in the ambience.
Since it was their first time there, the waiter had taken the time
to tell them the pizza oven was authentic, from Naples. Apparently,
the low-ceilinged oven made the pizza the same as it was in Italy.
The aroma of the Italian food made Susanna’s stomach growl. She
realized how hungry she really was.

The pizza arrived fast, and they each grabbed
slices, anxious to eat. Susanna dropped hers on the plate. “Ooh,
hot.”

Tomas grinned, but held his piece up to his
mouth. Susanna tried again. She blew on it then bit into it. “Oh my
God,” she said through a mouthful. “This is amazing.” It had a
charred crust that was crispy, and the pizza was as good as she’d
had.

When they’d worked their way through several
slices, Tomas sat back to take a breather. He gulped his beer. “So,
I didn’t know you worked at the Y.”

Susanna wiped her hands on her napkin. “I’m just
a volunteer.”

“Not
just
. I was in the hall. I heard you
reading to the kids.” He hesitated. “I was moved.”

For some reason, Susanna felt embarrassed. “It’s
only reading. They get a kick out of it. Except for Isadora; I
scared her today. I’ll have to think about that in my story
choices. Some of the children are quite young.”

Tomas stared at her like he wanted to say
something but wasn’t sure if he should. “Did you ever think about
working with children?”

Susanna waved her hand. “You need a degree for
that. Nobody would hire me.”

“So? They give out degrees to people who go to
college, you know.”

She smiled. “I know. I’ve thought about it. I’m
not sure if I could make it through school. Or even how I’d afford
it.”

Tomas looked interested. “Why do you
volunteer?”

She fingered her beer glass. “I suppose I want
to help in some way. I was very alone in my childhood. I know what
it feels like. These kids go there after school. Maybe I think they
don’t feel so alone if I read to them.”

Tomas studied her as if seeing her for the first
time. “So how did the whole sex thing start?”

She didn’t respond.

“I’m interested,” he said. “I want to know you.
For real…know you.”

Susanna sighed. It was a long story, one she
didn’t like telling. “It started when I was fourteen. I had been
with my parents for a while, but my emotional problems ran deep.
They tried but didn’t know how to help me.

“A boy in school liked me. He told me how pretty
I was, and it made me feel special. Just sort of…not quite as
invisible as I always felt, I guess. And then we had sex. I liked
it. I liked having the guy want me. Does that make sense?”

Tomas nodded.

“Then there was another guy. And another. I
found that I sagged into a sort of desperate, lonely feeling if I
didn’t have a guy’s attention. It was better to go from one to the
other. I wasn’t interested in a relationship. I wasn’t like the
other girls, wanting to get married.