Perfectly Broken (29 page)

In shock, Susanna could barely breathe. Her
heart fluttered and she felt weak. Had she known that? Was that why
she was so freaked out? Tomas loved her. He said he loved her.
Everything was out of control.

It was all wrong. And it was too late. She
wanted to tell him she didn’t mean it. It was a mistake. But it was
too late. It was always too late. Susanna always screwed things up.
But this was bad. She didn’t know if he would forgive her.

Tomas turned and walked away, but didn’t take
her hand or say any more. Susanna slipped on her coat and went with
him. The incident had been sobering, and despite the glasses of
wine, she was clear-headed.

She had to do something. Susanna was uncertain
about many things. But it hadn’t been her intention to hurt Tomas.
And every time he started to walk away, desperation flooded her.
She wanted him back, wanted him to hold her and to tell her
everything was okay.

* * * * *

Everything had gone to shit. And Tomas was mad.
Seeing Susanna at the bar with another man’s arm around her was a
slap in the face. After everything they’d shared, she still craved
sex devoid of commitment or love. With a guy she didn’t know or
care about.

Tomas knew she hadn’t fallen for someone else.
It wasn’t that. But it wasn’t what he wanted either. He couldn’t be
with a woman that randomly fucked other guys. Even if he loved her.
That wasn’t going to change.

He had finally told her. Maybe he should have
told her sooner. Possibly it would have made a difference. But that
was doubtful. Her habits had preceded his feelings for her, and the
way it looked, they would endure long past him being part of her
life.

Angry and frustrated, he walked to his apartment
with Susanna. He opened the door and let her inside. Walking past
her, Tomas turned on some lights and shed his coat. Susanna did the
same, and he looked at her, seeing her dramatic evening attire.

She stepped toward him. “Tomas, I’m sorry.”

He wasn’t placated. “Sorry for what? That I
found you? That I’m mad?” He paced the floor. “Or sorry that you
were ready to fuck that guy?”

She wrapped her arms around her waist,
shaking.

Tomas continued. “Because if it’s the latter, I
don’t believe you. I don’t think you are sorry for coming on to
that guy. At all. I think you’re just sorry I came by too early in
the evening.” He emitted one laugh. “Kind of ruined your plans, I
guess.”

Susanna looked at him and frowned. “How did you
find me?”

“Your phone.”

“What do you mean?”

“There’s a tracker on your phone.”

“What?” Her eyes got big. “You put a tracker on
me?”

“Yes, Susanna, I did. And looks like it’s a good
thing I did.” She glared at him, but Tomas didn’t care. “I worry
about you, don’t you get that?”

“You don’t trust me.”

“Should I?”

Susanna didn’t say anything. What could she say?
She knew he wouldn’t believe some bullshit story. Tomas flopped
into a chair and watched her. She sighed and walked over to him.
The initial anger had been defused. Seeing the distraught look on
her face hurt.

She slid onto his lap, but he didn’t put his
arms around her. Tomas wanted to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her
again how he felt. But he couldn’t. Would it never end? What would
it take to make her stop, to make her see that she was ruining her
life?

Susanna touched his cheek, and it sent a tingle
through his body. Rational thought had no effect on his response.
He was hard for her. But damn it, he couldn’t encourage her
behavior. He loved her, and her addictions were going to rip his
heart out if she didn’t stop.

She ran her hand over his shoulder and leaned in
to kiss him. Her lips felt so soft, and Tomas wanted to tear her
clothes off and fuck her until he passed out. But he couldn’t. She
slipped her tongue into his mouth, tasting him.

Desire coursed through his body, but he refused
to give in. Susanna ran her hand over his chest down to his waist.
Then she squeezed his erection through his pants and began to undo
the buttons of his shirt. It would have been so easy to give
in.

“No, baby,” he said, and Susanna stopped. The
look in her eyes was sad and needy, which made it even harder. “I
know what you want. But no.”

She looked surprised. “You don’t want me?”

“I want you. More than my next breath.” He
paused. “I’m beginning to understand you, baby. I know you want sex
for reassurance. It’s a way to prove your worth. Or convince
yourself of your power over me.”

Tears welled in her eyes.

Tomas put his hand on her arm. “It’s not going
to happen.” He watched her, seeing her disappointment. “I love you.
And I want you so bad it hurts. But…not that way. I won’t take you
like that.”

Susanna wiped away a tear.

“You don’t have anything to prove, baby. Not to
me, or anyone else. You just need to realize it.” He continued to
look into her eyes, loving her too much to give in. “Next time I
have you naked in my arms, it’s going to be for real.”

She leaned her head against his chest and Tomas
put his arms around her. He hadn’t fallen in love before. And it
had taken him a while to realize how he felt. Now it seemed his
heart would burst with emotion.

Susanna wasn’t an easy woman to love. But then
if she were, it wouldn’t be the same. Not that he wanted her to
have emotional issues. Not at all. But it was her strength, her
passion, and her independence that he admired. Even if that took
her away from him.

If she stayed, it would have to be that she
wanted only him. Susanna would have to be his. But it had to be her
desire that brought her to him. Something she did willingly. And
when he made love to her, the pleasure they gave each other would
be the only motivation.

“Shall I go?” She sounded despondent.

He shook his head. “I wish you wouldn’t. For
me.” He put a finger under her chin. “I don’t think you should be
alone right now. And I don’t want you out on the dark streets by
yourself.”

She put her arms around his neck.

“You can sleep in the bed. I’ll take the
sofa.”

So that’s how it was. There was no way Tomas
could sleep in the same bed and not touch her. But he couldn’t send
her away in the dark, not in her current emotional state. He
rummaged in the refrigerator and found some leftovers. He heated
the food, filled two glasses with soda water, and put it all on the
table.

He watched Susanna eat, and finished off his
plate of food, but didn’t start up any conversation. It was Susanna
that finally spoke.

“Did the maiden ever come back, Tomas?”

With her strawberry-blond hair and beautiful
blue eyes, Susanna looked like she’d stepped out of her own fairy
tale. That was it, wasn’t it? She was the disappearing woman, just
like in the story, and he didn’t want her to vanish from his
life.

He stroked her arm. “Yes, she came back. The
prince told his father that she had won a place in his heart. That
he longed for her. And the maiden spoke up. She wanted Connla to go
away with her, and told him that his need for her was stronger than
any adversity they would have to face to be together.”

Susanna brushed her hair over her shoulder.
“It’s a sweet story, Tomas.” She sighed. “If only I really were a
fairy maiden.”

He took her onto his lap and wrapped his arms
around her. It felt good to have her there, and he wanted more. So
much more. But still, he held back.

“I know you think it’s all fake, just a childish
pretense.” He ran his fingertips along her jaw. “Why not make up
your own tale, baby? Why accept what you are given?” Tomas thought
he saw a spark of hope in her eyes, but couldn’t be sure. “Invent
your own life. Make it what
you
want it to be.”

Susanna didn’t say anything, but she didn’t
argue either. Taking that as a good sign, Tomas kissed her. He
loved her, and it was a new feeling, a startling realization. Maybe
he’d known all along. There was one thing he was sure of, that he
wanted her in a way he had not desired a woman before.

It was going to be a long night, alone on the
sofa, with Susanna in the other room. He went to the bedroom with
her to get a blanket and pillow. Then he kissed her and left,
shutting the door behind him before he was tempted to stay.

The next morning, it was very quiet in the
apartment. Tomas had tossed and turned for hours. But when he
finally went to sleep, he slept deeply. Pushing up off the sofa, he
went to the bedroom. He wasn’t surprised to find the bed empty.

His heart ached for her, and Tomas didn’t know
if she would be back. He didn’t know if she could drop the pretense
and let him really touch her. Could she let herself feel that much?
Or would the fear win out?

He didn’t know. And even if she did return,
Tomas didn’t know how long he’d have to wait. The emptiness left a
void inside him. Nothing could fill it. Only Susanna. Whether she
would be back, he couldn’t be certain. He could only hope.

*****

It had been a rough night, and Susanna couldn’t
face Tomas. Alone in his bed, she wished he would come to her. But
she knew he wouldn’t. He was the one man she couldn’t control, so
she was in an untenable position.

Clearly she wasn’t cured, and her weakness for
casual sex—along with its benefits—called to her. Or it had. When
Tomas had talked about creating her own life, and making it what
she wanted it to be, Susanna hadn’t been able to respond.

Realizing she had no confidence in her ability
to determine her own future made her sad. And now she’d hurt Tomas.
Everything seemed to be falling apart, and Susanna didn’t know how
to get a grip. He seemed so sure that she could change, and
wouldn’t back down.

Having a man care was hard to deal with. If he’d
left her alone, maybe she would have returned to her old ways. And
as unhappy as she was most of the time, Tomas wouldn’t be affected.
He could move on.

Why did he have to insist that she could change?
Why did he continue to believe she could, though her past confirmed
that she couldn’t? But she knew now. He loved her. He had said it:
I love you
. Susanna could hardly believe he’d said that.

Did she love him? Susanna wasn’t sure she was
capable of loving any man. Often it seemed men just wanted sex, but
she had to admit that they weren’t assholes. Though it would be
easier to believe that. Looking back, she’d just gotten what she
sought. Sex with no strings attached.

Like alcohol, it numbed the pain but wore off
too soon. Yet she’d had no other choice. It was a compulsion she
couldn’t restrain. But the way she felt about Tomas was different.
It was nothing like having sex without emotion. It was the
opposite.

After leaving Tomas, she went to a coffee shop
to think. If there was a way to make things right, Susanna didn’t
know what it was. He had been patient, but he wouldn’t wait
forever. Her heart ached, and she craved being in his arms.

Susanna wanted to feel his warm skin next to
hers, and wanted to have him take control to give her pleasure that
only he could. She craved him, but Tomas had refused sex unless she
opened up to him. And not just sexually.

He wanted intimacy, and he wanted her to feel
real emotion when they made love. That was frightening, though she
couldn’t have told him why. But he refused to be cajoled, and stood
firm on his decision. Either she emotionally participated in the
experience, or she couldn’t have sex with him.

It was Saturday, so she decided to go home to
shower and change, then head out of the city. Susanna didn’t call
Rowan. She needed to be alone. She needed to think and figure out
what the hell to do. The torment was ripping her apart. Before she
buckled to her weaknesses, she needed to get away, to get in touch
with her feelings.
If
she could, after so many years of
keeping them pent up inside, so buried that even she didn’t dare
look.

* * * * *

The two weeks they were apart were pure hell for
Tomas, and he imagined it wasn’t any better for Susanna. He went to
work every day in a mindless stupor, and coworkers started to
wonder what was wrong with him. His life had fallen apart and it
was because of one really messed-up, amazing woman.

He wanted to call, and was desperate to go by
and see her. If he could have, Tomas would have knocked down her
door and carried her off. But it wouldn’t have done any good. What
was in her heart and mind only Susanna knew. It was up to her, and
Tomas prayed she was strong enough.

Love was strange, and more powerful than even
Tomas had imagined. It had hit him when he hadn’t been looking, and
he hadn’t expected it. And once it had stolen his heart, he was
unable to get out of its grasp. He would love Susanna whether she
came back or not.

That was rough. But he had no choice. How he
felt about her wouldn’t change just because she wasn’t with him.
The torment of a life without her was something he hoped to avoid.
But there was no guarantee.

Susanna’s problems were beyond anything Tomas
was capable of resolving. All he could do was love her with all his
heart. And he did. It was for that reason that he had refused her
sexual advances. When he took her in his arms, he had to know she
accepted, and wanted, his love.

Anything less was beneath her. It would cheat
her out of knowing love, like he felt. And that would not just be a
shame, it wouldn’t work. As much as he loved her, Tomas couldn’t
take her to bed unless he knew she was giving herself to him. For
real.

Sex for its own sake, as Susanna was used to,
wasn’t going to cut it. That was all she had known. Except for the
taste of the real thing she’d had with him. Tomas wanted to give
her more, to show her true love, and see her experience pleasure
like she’d never imagined.