Perfectly Broken (28 page)

Susanna didn’t need to talk either. It felt good
just to be out in nature, away from temptation, and, for that day,
safe with Tomas. When they felt like it, they chatted about
whatever was on their mind. It was nothing serious, and the
atmosphere between them was relaxed.

After a while, they found a place to sit, and
Susanna leaned against Tomas, watching the birds and looking out at
the water or up at the sky. It was a time of quiet, and closeness.
Even peace. Mid-afternoon, they went to a local pub for
refreshment.

The tranquil mood continued into the evening,
and Susanna was reluctant to return to the city. Tomas had said
that good things took time. Maybe so, but in her experience, they
were all too brief. The better it was between them, the more
anxiety she felt. Knowing it would be ripped away with unexpected
suddenness. And she dreaded that moment.

* * * * *

Despite Susanna’s misgivings, days went by
without disaster striking. Then Tomas got involved at work. There
were deadlines on some projects that he had to work late to meet.
It was too much to expect that he could see her all the time.

Yet as one day followed the next, Susanna was
alone, and she missed him. That proved to be her undoing. Tomas
texted during the day, and called when he could, promising to see
her soon. But it wasn’t enough.

She was with Rowan one of the evenings, and
volunteered extra reading time for the kids on another day. But she
was desperately lonely, and began to feel invisible. It was as
though life passed her by as she watched. And no matter what he
did, Susanna wasn’t seen. Instead, she was on the perimeter, still
an outcast—as she’d always been.

One night she chatted with Kiara and Chace
before they went out for dinner. The conversation was casual and,
to Susanna, meaningless. The interchange about their jobs and her
shifts at the gift shop weren’t boring, they were depressing. The
relationship between her and her roommates had never developed, as
most didn’t for Susanna.

When they left, the apartment was like a tomb,
and if Susanna didn’t escape she felt she might die. Suffocating in
the confines of the space and her life, she had to get out. There
were many clubs downtown, and while changing, she thought about
where to go.

It was a cold night, but she could bundle up to
go out. Beneath her wool coat and scarf, Susanna wore a short black
dress with lace. It edged to mid-thigh and was lined with
flesh-toned fabric so it looked like it was see-through, but
wasn’t.

Her makeup was more dramatic, with deep red
lipstick and royal-blue eye shadow. She added extra layers of
mascara and put a row of tiny silver rings in her ear. She would
probably be dancing, so she wore black leather boots that came
halfway up her calves and had chunky heels.

Ignoring the gnawing ache inside her, Susanna
studied her appearance in the mirror, and was satisfied. There was
a popular club in the Temple Bar district, but she ruled it out.
Too often in the past she’d frequented that nightclub, and she
preferred to go somewhere it would be possible to keep a low
profile.

All she wanted was to drink and get away from
the emotional torment that had her in its grasp. And she refused to
wait for Tomas. Already she’d become dependent, and that wasn’t
good. Codependency was treacherous, and would leave her devastated
in its wake.

Maybe rationally, Susanna could tell herself
otherwise. But the heavy emotion deep within her swayed her the
other way. It was good to get out, and better to be on her own.
After all, she had only herself to count on in the end.

Something about heading to a bar was comforting
in a distorted sort of way. Susanna was used to it, and the scene
was familiar. In that setting, she wasn’t lost or confused, but in
her element. It was what she needed. It was obsessive behavior, she
knew. But that’s how she was.

Ri-Ra, a club on Dame Court, had good music.
Sometimes it was jazz, maybe soul, and other times techno or
something funky. There was no cover charge, and it sounded inviting
because she hadn’t been there in a while. Likely, she wouldn’t be
recognized.

If she ran into a guy she’d been with before, he
might be a problem. Susanna tried to avoid that. It was better to
move around and not have to face earlier conquests. It didn’t work
all the time, but that was her plan.

Two years before, Susanna had been there most
weeks. But it had been a while. It should be safe. And the dance
floor was sizeable. Getting lost in dancing and the music was her
intention, but in the back of her mind, something nagged at
her.

Could she go and not get picked up? Did she want
to turn away the opportunity for sex? The urge was strong. Susanna
felt insignificant, unloved, and a bit unstable from the recent
closeness with Tomas. Another woman might have abstained from going
out, opting instead to wait for what Tomas had to offer. When he
was ready to offer it.

Not Susanna. She was independent. The idea of
counting on a man, on
one man
, was folly. As good as things
seemed now, it wouldn’t last. Good things ended, usually sooner
than later.

The place was crowded, and in the dim lighting,
Susanna looked around at the funky décor. The dancing was wild and
raucous. People were dressed in all kinds of weird garb. She
blended in. Lights sparkled over the dancers, making the scene
glittery.

Energized by the atmosphere, Susanna found a
stool at the bar and got a glass of wine. Drinks were expensive,
but usually she only had to buy one. Once she connected with a guy,
he would take care of it. The DJ put on “The Love Cats” by The
Cure.

Susanna turned to watch the dancers. As much as
she wanted to push Tomas out of her mind, she couldn’t. Halfway
through her first drink, he was in her thoughts more, not less. She
tried to think of what was freaking her out so bad.

Well, for starters, he persisted in telling her
that fairy tale. The idea that Tomas was the prince, that his
middle name was Connla, wasn’t the only thing that unsettled her.
He could be the son of a king if he wanted to.

But an invisible maiden had captured his heart.
And she intended to sweep him off to the Plains of Pleasure,
promising eternal happiness. What was Tomas thinking? Did he expect
that of her? The longing the prince felt in the story too closely
matched the longing Tomas had for her.

Susanna was suffocating. She couldn’t deal with
it. And then there was that apple that grew whole again every time
Connla ate it. Implying what? That love lasted, that even fully
enjoyed, there was always more?

She had issues, but Susanna wasn’t dense. Surely
that was what Tomas was implying. His overblown ideas of what they
had between them had seriously affected her. But in the opposite
way he intended. The more he reached in to take her for his own,
wanting her to admit that love lasted, the more anxious she
became.

What she wanted then was to breathe, to escape
the clutch of intimacy, and demands she couldn’t possibly fulfill.
Susanna’s heart ached to think of what was going to happen when
Tomas realized it was
all
just a fairy tale. Not just the
pretend prince and his fairy maiden, but the relationship Tomas
seemed determined to create with her.

Susanna finished her wine and ordered a refill.
She must be losing her touch, as she hadn’t been approached yet.
Could men read her thoughts? Did they think she was taken? A finger
of terror surfaced and, panicked, she crossed her legs and scanned
the crowd.

Then a handsome guy with gelled brown hair,
wearing a leather jacket and a loose tie around his neck, looked
over at her. His funky style had a certain sex appeal, and she
looked him over, liking the way his jeans fit.

He sauntered her way. “Can I buy you a
drink?”

Susanna nodded. His light brown eyes looked
familiar. Then he smiled, and she knew. It had been a while, but
she remembered him. Though it didn’t make that much difference,
since it had been so long. Surely no man would glean anything
permanent out of two encounters in a span of years.

She gulped the rest of her second glass of wine,
and the bartender served her the next, already paid for. Susanna
couldn’t remember his name, but she remembered his face, especially
his eyes. Now that she saw him up close.

After so many men and so much time, she tried to
remember what it had been like with him. But she couldn’t. One man
blended with another. But he had a friendly if lustful look, so was
probably okay.

They drank without talking for a bit, but he
took the liberty of letting his eyes graze over her. It felt good.
He was attracted to her. It made her feel interesting, and gave her
a sense of power. Susanna was used to having that effect on a
man.

She liked it. It made her feel worthwhile, and
for a time, she was the center of his attention. The more she
drank, and the more he looked at her, the more Susanna needed sex.
It wasn’t intimacy. It wasn’t like Tomas. And it was odd to say
that sex wasn’t personal.

It was a deep need, and Susanna knew if she gave
in that she would feel better. At least for that night. Like a
drug, it called to her, and became more irresistible as the minutes
ticked by. She had no reason to resist—did she?

For the first time, Susanna felt doubt nag at
her. It was annoying. She only wanted to escape, and feel what only
sex could make her feel. Denying that high had been impossible
before. But now it wasn’t as approachable.

Could it be that Tomas had ruined her? Would she
never be the same? Susanna’s hand trembled as she put her wine
glass on the bar. The man next to her smelled of cologne, and he
leaned closer. She hadn’t bothered to ask his name, nor had he
asked for hers.

They hadn’t before, either. It was better if
they didn’t. Clearly he remembered her. Susanna could tell by the
look in his eyes. He knew, and he was anticipating what was to
come. So was she. Wasn’t she?

He put his arm around her and pressed his palm
to her belly as a sign. Susanna didn’t resist. With his other hand,
he stroked her thigh just under her short dress. She held her
breath. It felt good, and she wanted it.

Why didn’t she feel free to go with him? Susanna
wanted to. She craved it. It would make the pain go away, and make
her forget. Losing herself in the physical sensation and having a
man’s undivided attention was soothing.

If she didn’t get it, she’d go crazy. Susanna
gulped the rest of her wine, nervous and confused. He leaned in
closer and pressed his head against her neck. Any second, he was
going to ask her to leave with him. She knew how it went. She’d
done it so many times before.

Then, out of nowhere, a heavy bang on the bar
startled her. She glanced to the side to see a fist resting on the
polished wood. Her heart pounded so hard she thought it was going
to break out of her chest. Susanna knew before she saw him.

She looked up to see Tomas standing beside her.
The guy to her left still had his arm around her. Looking into
sharp green eyes glaring down at her, Susanna recoiled. Tomas
looked at the man beside her. His jaw clenched.

“I’ll give you one chance to take your hands off
her, then I’m going to beat the crap out of you.”

With his wide shoulders filling out his jacket
and his menacing look, Tomas was not one to argue with. The guy
released her. “I didn’t know she was with you,” he muttered.
Susanna didn’t need to look to know he left.

Tomas stood there, glowering at her. “Having
fun?”

Susanna was angry that he thought he could
control her life, but also glad to see him. She was spinning and
confused. Her thoughts whirred, and despite the buzz from the wine,
the gravity of the situation shook her.

“I was,” she said, “until you butted in.” The
words cut sharply, and Susanna regretted them instantly.

Tomas didn’t bat an eyelash, just continued to
look at her. Then he nodded, as if understanding something that had
previously escaped him. He hesitated, but only for a moment, then
he walked away. Susanna panicked.

She slipped from the stool and, carrying her
coat over her arm, followed him. But he didn’t look back. Tomas
strode out of the bar and through the club. Once outside, he
whirled around to face her. His face was red and his body tense,
but his beautiful green eyes couldn’t hide the emotional pain.

That was what killed her. Seeing that.

“Did you fuck him?” he snapped.

Stunned, she shook her head. “No. No, I didn’t.
Not tonight.”

Tomas ran a hand through his hair. “Not tonight,
huh? One of your earlier conquests?”

She didn’t reply.

When Tomas started off down the street, she
walked beside him, unsure what to do. He stopped, and his piercing
look made her quiver.

“If I fight for you, why won’t you fight for
yourself, Susanna?”

She had no answer.

He held up his hands. “I respect you, and I see
what an amazing woman you are. Why can’t you see it? Why do you
treat yourself this way?”

“I’m sorry I made you mad.” She bit her lip. “I
was just…”

Fury flamed in his eyes. “You fuck them so they
will love you.”

His statement sliced to her heart as sharply as
the blade of a knife.

She held his gaze, afraid of what he would say
next. Susanna was out of her depth. She’d been playing with fire,
and getting burned hurt. Most of all, it stung to see the look in
his eyes. When he looked at her, it was like Tomas saw into her
heart.

Then, in one bold moment, he cut to the
quick.

“You pick up guys, looking for love.” He paused
and took a breath. “I love you, Susanna.”

His words stunned her.

Tomas waited, but she was speechless. “I’m the
man who loves you. Can’t you see that?”