Perfectly Broken (18 page)

Tomas had a grip on her, one she was unfamiliar
with. He seemed to know things about her, and about how to please
her sexually, that she’d previously had no clue about. He drew her
in and made her want more.

But the thought of depending on him—or anyone,
for that matter—made her stomach tie up in knots. Susanna had not
had the fortune of having any person in her life stick around. Her
parents were the closest, but fate had swept them away without
warning.

Her heart was hardened to life, and until she
met Tomas, she hadn’t experienced affection such as he exhibited.
And she had not been looking for it when she met him. The
fortuitous meeting seemed to be a sort of divine intervention, as
it had put her in the arms of an amazing man.

But Susanna knew it couldn’t last. Most things
didn’t. Only the bad things seemed to have a tenable hold on her
existence. And when Tomas left her, or vanished from her life in
some other unpredictable way, it would throw her into a depression
that Susanna wasn’t sure that she would survive.

If she let it get that far. The smart thing was
to bail before things got dire. Which she had tried to do more than
once. It was just so hard to turn away from him. Tomas had become a
new addiction of sorts, because what he offered was so damn
good.

It would be the path of least resistance to just
let him take her. It was what he wanted. Yet Susanna’s emotions
were embroiled over the prospect. She had not been with only one
man at any point in her sexual escapades. Nor had she intended
to.

No commitment meant that nobody got hurt. Not
just her, but the guy either. She had wanted to change her ways,
but failed utterly at every attempt. And it wasn’t fair to break a
man’s heart because she couldn’t subdue her sexual needs. That had
not changed.

Once the alcohol and the sexual high began to
wear off, Susanna panicked. At breakfast the next morning,
something was off. It wasn’t just her. Tomas seemed thoughtful, and
she wondered if he had second thoughts about how much he had
allowed her into his life.

They sat in a café on the second floor of a
department store and gazed out the huge window overlooking Trinity
College. Susanna nibbled at her French toast and sipped her tea,
watching Tomas eat heartily of his breakfast of eggs and
sausage.

But he seemed unusually quiet.

Gulping his coffee, Tomas looked over at her.
She should have seen it coming, but what he said caught her off
guard.

“I don’t want you to go to bed with any other
guy but me.”

She gaped at him, but the piercing look in his
green eyes told her he was serious.

“It’s my life. I can do what I want, Tomas.” She
took a deep breath. “We have a good time together. Don’t make more
of it.”

He glared at her. “I’m telling you not to sleep
with anyone else.”

Her eyes got big. “Why not?”

He looked at her without so much as blinking.
“Because I said so.”

Susanna had no experience with a man ordering
her around, and she didn’t like it. Considering his demand was not
in the cards. She couldn’t do it even if she wanted to. And he knew
that.

“It’s not going to happen, Tomas. You know me.
I’ve told you.”

He leaned back. “Yes, and I heard you. But I
care about you, Susanna. And as long as you have sex with me, I
don’t like you having it with other guys.”

She frowned. “I didn’t know you were going to be
this possessive or I wouldn’t have hooked up with you.”

“Too late. You already have. And I think you
should give this a try, baby. Just try.”

She shook her head. “No. No way.” She rubbed her
neck. He was terrorizing her. Because the sex was hot, now he
thought he had a right to control her life.

“Susanna, please.”

She couldn’t look at him. Something inside told
her to agree. The thought of being with him, having Tomas be her
only man, excited her. But it frightened her more. And it should
have frightened him too.

Her parents had been easy on her, letting her
make her own decisions and do what she wanted. The choices she had
made hadn’t often been the best, but they were hers. Tomas was
domineering. He wanted to control her in the bedroom, and he wanted
her to submit to him in other ways.

Tomas’ voice was sharp. “So I guess any of the
other guys you have been with didn’t care who you slept with?”

Susanna shrugged. “They were milquetoasts about
everything. As long as they got laid, everything was fine.”

The look in his green eyes pierced straight to
her heart. “Now you will find out what it’s like to be with a real
man who doesn’t take any shit.”

Susanna responded to his commanding tone. Her
body betrayed her with sensations his voice stirred deep in her
core. She wanted him. Wanted him to control her. It provided a
release for her. Something she never had. Something she needed.

But it wouldn’t work.

She looked at Tomas. “I told you about my
addictions.”

He shook his head. “That was before me.”

“Yes, it was. But it is also
with
you,
because I don’t intend to change, Tomas.”

That ended the conversation. Tomas didn’t look
happy, and though she had stood her ground, Susanna wasn’t either.
It was just that she had no choice. If only he could see that, then
he wouldn’t be upset with her.

They finished up and went downstairs. Neither
said any more about what Tomas had asked of her. Susanna had a huge
lump in her throat, and she certainly didn’t want to cry in front
of him. Strolling toward her apartment, he didn’t even hold her
hand.

Her stomach felt like someone had put their fist
through it. But there was nothing she could do to make it better.
Talking didn’t change how things were, so there was nothing to say.
Susanna walked the next block to her apartment in agony with Tomas
beside her, his body tense.

As they reached the walk leading to her
apartment, a man strode toward her and waved. She looked up and
smiled. Then she waved back.

Tomas glared at her. “That better be your
brother.”

She looked up at him. “You know I’m an
orphan.”

Rowan stepped up and gave her a big hug.

Tomas stepped closer.

Susanna put her hand on his forearm to calm him.
“Tomas, this is a friend of mine.”

“I thought you didn’t have any friends.”

She looked at Rowan. “I have one.” She glanced
back at Tomas. “This is Rowan Ash. Rowan, meet Tomas Dempsey.”

Rowan nodded. “Hello.”

Tomas growled. “Hello.” He looked at
Susanna.

“I texted Rowan to meet me here. We have plans
today,” she said.

“Yeah, I have things to do too.” Tomas gave her
one last look then turned to go.

Susanna was devastated but didn’t attempt to
stop him. “Goodbye, Tomas.” She called after him, but he didn’t
look back. For all she knew, it might be the last time she would
see him, and she felt ill.

“Hey, baby girl,” Rowan said. “You still want to
hang out today?”

She nodded.

“Your date didn’t look too happy. I thought you
might want to go after him.”

“No. I mean, yes, I do. But I can’t. It’s
complicated.”

Rowan frowned. “Maybe you better tell me about
it.”

“Not now. I’ll tell you later.”

“Okay. Do you need to go in and change or
anything?”

“No, let’s just go.”

They took the Luas to the Point Village Market,
which was open every weekend during the day. There were places to
shop and stroll, and even street performers to provide
entertainment. The market was modern and vibrant, recreating the
charm of an old-fashioned marketplace.

It was not a farmer’s market or a place with
vendors of imported fake designs. It was a cultural venue with
everything from dance demos and fashion shows to photographic
exhibits. There were free outdoor concerts, and free outdoor
cinema.

Rowan wore jeans and a navy-blue parka. A maroon
knit cap was pulled down over his ears, but his long, dark hair
hung way past the rim. He looked as pasty as ever, and his eyes
were a startling eggshell blue. When he smiled at her, Susanna felt
a little better.

They had met on one of her many nights at Quays
Bar. But Rowan had not tried to pick her up. Instead, they had just
talked. Susanna marveled that they had become friends. Maybe it was
because they were both different than other people. Outcasts of
sorts.

“You need to get away from the computer more,”
she said. “You’re pale. You need more sun.”

“There is no sun in Dublin.”

Susanna laughed. “Let’s go see if anyone is
telling stories.” At the market was a giant storytelling chair
where anyone could sit and tell a story, though there was no
guarantee that anyone would listen. It had been a popular feature,
and there were often storytellers to listen to.

Rowan nodded. “Sure. We’ll see what they’ve
got.”

“Tomas could be a storyteller.”

He raised his eyebrows. “You think?”

“Yes, he tells me stories.”

His eyes got bigger. “Really?”

“Yes. He actually thinks I would date him,
exclusively. That’s fantasy isn’t it?”

Rowan grinned and gave her a friendly hug.
“Big-time fantasy.”

Unfortunately, there weren’t any storytellers
right then. Maybe later. So they made their way to the stage to
check out the band. The genre varied, and that day, it was soul.
The deep sadness of the songs resonated with Susanna. It was how
she felt, and the music seemed to communicate what she was unable
to voice.

When they tired of listening, they checked out
the vendors. There was a lot of food, and they accepted samples
from a vegetarian place. There was something magical about Dublin
on a lazy Sunday morning. Though Rowan wasn’t really a fan of
markets, he’d told her the Point put him in a good mood.

Susanna had to agree. The spirit of the place
soothed the pain inside her, just a little. And her friend was easy
to be around. He was the only person she knew that made her calmer,
like maybe everything wasn’t all doom and gloom after all.

The weather was nasty and gray. When the drizzle
started up, they ducked under a metal awning and sat on aluminum
stools at the Coffee Angel. The hot coffee provided the warm-up
they needed. Rowan had a triple espresso.

Susanna’s hot latte was silky smooth and
delicious. She sipped it and watched Rowan tap his dangling feet
against the stool legs like a kid. It made a clink noise each
time.

“Can you stop that? It’s annoying.”

Rowan did it harder and louder. They both
laughed.

“So what about this guy? The hunk you were with
when I picked you up?”

Susanna took another sip of her hot drink. “He’s
hard to explain.”

“Where did you meet him?”

“At the funeral home. You know.”

“A conquest?”

“He was.” She shrugged. “It started out like
that, anyway.”

“Don’t tell me he is getting to you.”

“That’s what I’m telling you.” She held her hot
cup with both hands. “And I’m so confused.”

“Well, I know you, so I can imagine. But it
would be better if you explain it.”

She looked at the foam of her latte. “He has
this idea that I could stop seeing other men. That’s impossible.
You know me and guys. Well, me and sex.”

“Yep.” Rowan sipped his espresso. “So you don’t
think you can limit yourself to one hot, muscled, good-looking
Irishman?”

Susanna smiled. “You’re funny.”

“I know, baby doll.” He stopped kicking the
chair and rested his feet on the metal stool supports. “But someday
you might want to do the one-guy thing.”

“I know, Rowan. But sex is an addiction. You
know me better than anyone. If I try to limit to one guy, I’ll
drink myself to death. Or you’ll find me stoned out of my mind and
talking gibberish.”

“That’s not a good picture.”

“No. It’s not.” Susanna put her elbow on the
counter and rested her head in her hand. “So you see my
dilemma?”

“Mmm, I do.” Rowan smiled at her. “That’s a
tough one. What are you going to do?”

She sat up. “Damned if I know. I told him no
when he tried to rein me in. Tomas said he doesn’t want me sleeping
with anyone else.”

Rowan furrowed his brow. “That does sound
serious.”

“Yes, well, he didn’t like my answer. That’s why
he was so ticked off when you met him.”

He grinned. “I thought it was because he could
tell right off that I am worthy challenger for your
affections.”

“You’re my friend, Rowan.” She smiled. “No one
challenges you.”

He hopped down and took her hand. “So now, I
vote for a movie. It will take your mind off things. And it’s
fucking cold out here.”

She giggled. “Okay. I’m game. You’re thinking of
the Odeon?”

He nodded. “Yep, the new
Hobbit
movie is
playing.”

“I’ve really been wanting to see that.”

Susanna walked fast to keep up with Rowan. She
was grateful for his company, needing the diversion from her
personal issues. In the time she had known him, Susanna had never
had a steady guy.

Rowan understood her lifestyle, as well as
anyone could. And she appreciated him for it. But what had been
unchangeable for so long now had to be examined. There was no
future with Tomas unless she gave him exclusivity. It was going to
be a bitch denying him, because she missed him already.

* * * * *

Tomas was frustrated. He’d thought Susanna had
been feeling the same way he was. And what was that? Just that he
wanted to be with her, that’s all. And he didn’t want to think of
her being with another guy. He couldn’t understand her refusal to
forgo the others.

She had explained that she had an addiction, but
it was the first time he had heard of something like that. Sure,
sex held a strong attraction for her; it did for him, too. But
Tomas thought he should be able to satisfy her, that Susanna
wouldn’t need any other man but him.