Perfectly Broken (20 page)

“I was always different, Tomas. I wasn’t the
same as my classmates. I’m not the same as other women. I’m the odd
one. I don’t fit in. Sex makes me feel…I don’t know…like I belong.
Like I matter. But it’s more than that.

“It’s something I can’t describe to you. It’s no
different from any addiction; it’s something I have to have. I
can’t stay away. If I’m with one guy, I just want more. It’s not a
matter of whether it’s good or bad with a particular man. That
doesn’t enter into it. I just need the sex. Like some people need
nicotine, or alcohol, or heroin.”

Tomas didn’t say anything right away, and
Susanna didn’t know what he thought about all that.

He reached across and took her hand. “I just
don’t want it to ruin your life, baby,” he said. He looked into her
eyes, and her heart skipped a beat. “And I want to be with
you.”

* * * * *

Maybe Tomas was beginning to understand. Susanna
couldn’t be sure, and had no confidence that what they had together
would continue. But she was beyond trying to send him away. She
wanted to be with him, and not just sexually.

She was hot for him, and the urge to be naked in
his arms was strong. But Tomas didn’t take her back to his
apartment. After dinner, he took her home, and in the lobby he
asked for a date.

“I want to do this right this time,” he said.
“I’d like you to go on a date with me tomorrow night. I have
something special in mind. You don’t have plans for Saturday night,
do you?”

She shook her head.

“Good. Then I’ll be by at three.”

“Three?”

“I won’t be able to wait longer than that to see
you.”

She laughed.

He pulled her close and took his time kissing
her. It was sexy and intimate, making her want more. “I want you,”
he whispered. “But not yet. Tomorrow.”

Tomas kissed her once more before releasing her
from his strong embrace. She didn’t want him to go. Susanna didn’t
want to be alone, having done too much of that. She wanted to be
with him, submit to his need, and for him to own her.

But he left. Susanna reluctantly went to her
apartment. The hours until she would see him again seemed like
forever. That night, she thought only of him, and slept fitfully.
Her world had been turned upside down by Tomas, the man she craved.
And she seemed incapable of restoring her life to how it had been
before.

Yet she couldn’t give him what he wanted. The
one thing he had asked, she had denied. It was tearing her up, but
she saw no way out. When at last she fell asleep, Susanna dreamed
of being with Tomas. In the dream, she did anything he asked, and
satisfied him. But she woke when it was still dark out, startled
out of sleep. It had been a different woman in the dream who gave
Tomas what he needed. It wasn’t her. It could never be her.

When light peeked through the window, Susanna
got up and dressed to go on a long walk. That was what she needed,
and the only thing she knew that might calm her. There was no way
to wait at the apartment until three in the afternoon rolled
around. That would make her crazy. It was cold out, but she could
bundle up. And she’d be walking fast.

The walk was energizing, just what she needed.
On the way back, Susanna stopped for some coffee. She needed
caffeine. Her nerves were frazzled from the anticipation of seeing
Tomas, and it was wearing her out. The espresso pepped her up. At
least it helped.

Since Tomas had said he wanted the date to be
special, she decided to dress up more than she usually did. He
didn’t complain about her Gothic dress most of the time, but she
remembered he liked it the day she deferred to some of her more
pedestrian clothes.

She chose a dress that hugged her body, and had
a bit of gold sparkle to it. There had been some event her adoptive
parents had taken her to that required cocktail dresses, and she
had kept the one she’d bought for the occasion. It looked good with
her hair and eyes. To make her style a bit fancier, Susanna put a
shimmery clip in her hair. With her gold pumps and a thin neck
chain, the outfit was complete.

Susanna hoped Tomas would be pleased. She wanted
to make their evening good, and didn’t want to disappoint him.
Beyond that, she wasn’t sure what would happen. By catering to his
needs, and giving in to her desire to be with him, she was digging
herself in deeper. But she didn’t know how to stop.

When the bell rang, Susanna opened the door to
find Tomas standing there in a long coat. Underneath, he wore dress
slacks and a vest with a silk tie. In his hand, he had a bouquet of
pink and white tulips. “Wow,” she said. “You dressed up.” Taking
the flowers, she smelled them. “And you got me flowers. Nobody gets
me flowers.”

“Well, I did.” He stepped inside. “You dressed
up too. Let me see. Turn around.”

Susanna spun around for him.

“Ravishing,” he said. At the end of her spin,
Tomas took her in his arms. He kissed her hotly. “We better go,
before I get other ideas.”

“Let me put these in water.” She went to the
kitchen and filled a vase with water. After putting the flowers in,
she smelled them again. Tomas actually brought flowers. She
couldn’t believe it.

Back in the main room, Tomas waited by the door.
Like the perfect gentleman, he helped her with her coat. “Where are
we going?” It had to be good if he was all dressed up.

“You’ll see.”

The first stop was a horse and carriage ride
starting at Temple Bar. Though it was only blocks from her
apartment, Susanna had not been on one before. The rides were a bit
pricey. Tomas helped her into the big, white, old-style
carriage.

The weather wasn’t a problem because the
carriage was convertible, so was enclosed for winter rides. Lamps
were fitted for nighttime tours. And inside, blankets were
available. The route went through the city, past mansions, art
galleries, and cathedrals.

It was fun to watch through the windows as they
passed by familiar sites, but the real attraction was sitting next
to Tomas in the intimate setting. The carriage drawn by horses,
just like in Victorian times, was so romantic.

He had his arm around her, and Susanna rested
her head against his neck. She imagined she was in a different era.
The carriage was the ideal place for a rendezvous. It made her feel
like a princess. Who else rode in such carriages?

She put her hand on his thigh, feeling the shape
of his muscle under his pants. It made her feel warm, and her skin
tingled. If Tomas was trying to impress her, he was doing a good
job of it. He had said he wanted to do it right this time, and
though she wasn’t clear on what that meant, Susanna was enjoying
the experience.

It was enough to be in each other’s arms,
nestled in the leather carriage seat. They had been apart too long,
and Susanna intended to make the most of every second with Tomas,
not knowing how long being together would last. He was certainly
making it difficult to turn away from him.

In the dim interior of the carriage, Tomas
lifted her chin and leaned over to kiss her. The touch was soft and
tender, making Susanna melt into him. She kissed back, making it
last, relishing the taste of him. He was so masculine, and she felt
like a cherished woman in his embrace.

The intimate ride was just long enough. The
driver dropped them off, and Tomas took her hand. He led her to the
DART station, but refused to tell her where they were going. During
the half-hour ride on the fast train, Susanna felt like she was on
an adventure. It seemed that was his intent in not telling her in
advance what was coming up.

They got off in Howth and went to the west pier.
Though overcast, it was still light out. Susanna could see a
variety of small vessels huddled up at the dock. Tomas put his arm
around her. “We have reservations at Aqua.”

She couldn’t help but smile. “I’ve never been
there, but I’ve heard great things.”

“Let’s hope they are all true.”

Every table in the marina restaurant had a view
of the bay, and the lighthouse could be seen in the distance. The
ocean water was aqua blue. Small whitecaps rose and fell in the
mild wind. Gray clouds hovered in the sky.

“I’ve come out here before for cliff walks,”
Susanna said. “But I’ve never eaten in any of the restaurants. What
a fantastic view.”

Tomas smiled. “I plan to make an evening of it,
so how about some champagne?”

She looked at him with big eyes. “Are we
celebrating?”

“We’re together, aren’t we? I don’t need any
more reason.”

Susanna felt her cheeks warm. For some reason,
his flattery embarrassed her. It occurred to her that no man had
ever treated her the way he did. Tomas acted like she was someone
special. And she didn’t know quite how to react.

The Italian Prosecco that Tomas ordered was
served, and the bottle was set in an ice bucket on a tall stand by
the table. Tomas clinked his glass against hers. “To not being
alone.”

She smiled and sipped the delicate, bubbly
drink. “I guess that’s our motto.”

He laughed. “It could be.”

As they drank their sparkling wine and nibbled
the crusty bread delivered to the table, the sun began to set.
Susanna watched the sky change colors and become a vivid orange, as
though it was on fire. The clouds turned grayer. At the last
minute, a burst of yellow radiated in the sky, and then it was
dark.

Tomas sipped his drink and held her hand. It was
impossible not to be affected by the atmosphere and the sexy man
sitting across from her. Susanna was tough when she needed to be,
but she had her romantic side too. It was just that no man had
tapped into it before.

“It’s like a fairy tale,” she said.

Tomas grinned.

“I thought you’d like it.”

“Which reminds me,” she said. “We are in the
middle of a fairy tale, aren’t we?”

“Yes.” Tomas kissed her hand. “And you want to
know what happens next, don’t you?”

Susanna nodded. “The king couldn’t see the
maiden. Only Connla could.”

Tomas nodded. “Yes, but he could
hear
her. When she spoke, the king asked his son, ‘Who speaks?’ And it
was the maiden who replied.”

She leaned closer. “What did she say?”

Tomas took a breath and then continued. “The
maiden spoke to the king. She told him, ‘Connla speaks to a woman
who will not grow old, and who will never die.’”

Susanna frowned.

“You don’t like the story?”

“It’s all fake,” she said. “None of it is true.
It’s not the real world.” Susanna was touched by the delightful
tale, and could not brush it aside. It stuck with her, even though
she rejected it. But she didn’t let Tomas know how she felt. That
would be dangerous.

“I’m insulted that you would say that,” he said.
“After all, I’m Connla. I should know.”

She pouted. “But Tomas. It isn’t real.”

He looked shocked. “Of course it is.”

Susanna shook her head. “But things don’t go
like that. All wonderful and happy. They end sad. You know
that.”

“No, I don’t know that.” Tomas smiled. “It’s
your
fairy tale.” His green eyes gleamed. “You just have to
create your own ending.”

She shook her head. “I don’t know how.”

“We’ll do it together.”

Susanna wasn’t sure she knew what he was talking
about. For such a down-to-earth guy, Tomas really had an
imagination. He seemed to think he could mold life to his
specifications, or come awfully close. He was going to have his
hopes dashed; Susanna knew that. But she didn’t want to wreck the
evening by persisting with her gloomy outlook.

“I can’t wait to see how the fairy tale ends,”
she said.

Tomas squeezed her hand. “Me too.”

The waiter refilled their glasses, and Tomas
ordered steamed mussels to get them started. It was a treat Susanna
rarely had, and they were perfectly prepared. Sipping the sparkling
wine and eating the delicacy, she began to relax.

Whatever Tomas had in mind, it involved pleasing
her. Her worry of how the night would go was past. The cozy
restaurant and the gourmet food paired well with the company of the
one man she wanted to be with above all others.

It was more like a dream than a date. Susanna
had been on dates, and they were never like this. She wished it
didn’t have to end. But she resolved not to be greedy, and to savor
what was offered. Tomas seemed to be having a good time too.

He drank and ate with abandon, like she had seen
him do most other things. Yet his focus was on her. He held her
hand or rubbed his toes against her ankle as a way to be closer.
The way he did it was tender and sensual.

Susanna wanted to be with him, and craved his
touch. She hoped that after dinner he didn’t plan to drop her at
home like he had the night before. But she didn’t want to force
anything, contrary to her usual behavior. It was better to let
things play out.

When the wine bottle was empty and their
appetizer cleared, Tomas ordered the grilled lobster, fresh from
the restaurant’s own lobster tank. And a creamy, full-bodied
Chardonnay to go with it. Though he knew Susanna liked that type of
wine, he chose it because the waiter suggested it would pair well
with their meal.

The lobster came with plenty of lemon and
butter. It was served with a side salad and fries. Susanna was glad
they had decided to split an order, because it was a lot of food.
They ate leisurely, and enjoyed the wine with it. As the evening
progressed, they found a lot to talk about.

Tomas told her more about his family, and talked
about his sister, Alaina. He even told her about his high school
friends and a few stories of their encounters. The group had been
viewed by other students as a gang, though they hadn’t considered
themselves one. But they did end up in plenty of fights, and at one
point, got the
dangerous
tattoo as a sign of unity.