Authors: Hannah Downing
I froze. Suddenly all other fears were gone and a black hole of panic remained. What if Cameron changed his mind? Wasn’t it common for men to balk at the idea of commitment and spending their whole lives with one person?
My heart pounded in my chest, and I sat down on the couch, knocking over the seating arrangement chart I’d balanced on the cushion. I kept repeating
Cameron loves me
in my head, over and over, trying to reassure myself. But I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling he might not show up.
I tried to be reasonable and logical, reminding myself that he hadn’t shown any hesitation about our wedding. He seemed just as excited as I was. I remembered that when he said he couldn’t wait until we vowed to spend our lives together, his voice hadn’t wavered. He’d seemed so sure. Was he
too
confident? Was he so convinced this was right for us that he was overlooking serious issues?
How many children did we want? Would we move to a bigger city once he graduated from college? Would we share a bank account? Weren’t married couples supposed to know these things?
My phone beeped, signaling a text message, and I shook myself out of the downward spiral. I flipped open my phone.
This time tomorrow you’ll be mine for all eternity.
His words did little to alleviate my fears. I put the phone down and paced the room, letting my thoughts wander.
My phone beeped again.
Everything okay?
I frowned. No, everything wasn’t okay, and as much as I wanted to reply that it was, I knew I should be honest with him.
Just a little nervous, I guess.
I pressed the send button and waited for his response, which came less than a minute later.
There’s no need to be nervous.
I love you. I’m going to love you forever.
I read the message over and over, trying to believe the words. I wasn’t questioning his feelings for me. I knew he loved me. It was the last word I couldn’t quite believe.
Forever
. You hear about it all the time — people growing apart and falling out of love. How could we be sure we wouldn’t become another divorce statistic? I had to ask.
How can you be sure?
He didn’t reply right away, and I wondered if I’d upset him. I thought about calling him to make sure everything was all right, but I decided to give him some space.
I got up and made myself a cup of tea, hoping it would help settle my nerves. When I came back to the couch, there was a message waiting on my phone.
I have hundreds of reasons why I’m sure.
I’ll tell you. Keep your phone close today.
I wasn’t sure exactly what he meant, but I did as he’d asked and made sure my phone was in my pocket as I went about my last-minute errands for the wedding.
About an hour after his last message, my phone beeped again, and I checked it eagerly.
1. You are the kindest person I know.
The phone beeped again almost right away, and I looked at the next message.
2. I always smile when I think about you.
Three more beeps sounded in a row, and I clicked on them all in order.
3. You will make a wonderful mother one day.
4. Your pouty face is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.
5. I could never love anyone more than I love you.
Tears began to form in my eyes as I read his reassuring words. Cameron always knew exactly what I needed to feel better. I waited for the next beep, but nothing came so after a few moments of silence — and re-reading the messages — I returned to my chores.
I received messages at random intervals throughout the day, and each one was just as special as the last.
13. I love waking up next to you every morning.
28. I’m only whole when I’m with you.
79. You are my angel.
81. You are my first and last thought of the day…
and will be for the rest of my life.
As each message came in, my fears and concerns started to recede, leaving me with a sense of calm. It was as if each message chipped a tiny part of my wall away, and when the final message came through, I was ready to rush down to the church and marry him on the spot.
100. My heart has belonged to you
since the first moment we met.
***
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, letting my head fall forward slightly to pull my nerves into check. I felt much more secure after the one hundred text messages Cameron had sent yesterday. I was no longer nervous about being married, just about the day going perfectly. I wanted this, wanted Cameron, for the rest of my life, and I didn’t doubt that or him at all anymore. But standing up there in front of all those people was not something I was looking forward to.
“Are you ready?” Bonnie whispered, turning to look over her shoulder at me.
I opened my eyes to see my about-to-be sister-in-law. She looked beautiful, and I felt a swell of gratitude for her friendship and help planning the wedding. She was young — just about to finish high school — but she had an enthusiasm for party planning I envied, and her organizational skills were unparalleled. I quickly swept my eyes over her champagne-colored dress and nodded with a smile.
The double doors ahead of us opened, and I could hear the rumble of dozens of voices talking at once. In just a moment all of those people would be staring at me. I began to shake with nerves, but then I thought of Cameron and how much he loved me. I knew he was standing on the other side of those doors waiting for me, and I felt immediately grounded.
I watched my friends Sarah and Lucy walk through the doors in front of us, and Bonnie and I moved forward a few steps. I looked on as my closest friends walked away from me slowly, and as I watched their receding forms, my earlier anxiety was forgotten and my heart rejoiced. It was almost time for me.
Bonnie quickly smiled at me before she joined Sarah and Lucy. I counted to ten and the music suddenly changed to a familiar tune. I heard the voices in the room ahead of me fall silent.
“This is us,” my dad whispered in my ear before he looped his arm through mine. I looked up and smiled when I saw the happy look on his face. His deep brown eyes, just like mine, were sparkling at me. His dark hair, combed back so formally today, was graying slightly at the sides. I brushed a few strands off his forehead. He guided me through the doors and along the carpet my friends had just walked down.
The mass of faces in front of me blurred together. I focused on Cameron standing at the end of the aisle, waiting for me. My Cameron. His face glowed as he watched me walk, and he gave me a little wink — a private moment between us while surrounded by everyone we knew.
“I’m so happy for you,” Dad whispered as we neared the end of our walk, his hand squeezing mine gently.
“I love you, Daddy,” I whispered, unsure why I’d used the childish name for him. But at that moment, it felt right.
“Love you, Charlotte,” he whispered back as he kissed my cheek, releasing my hand to sit next to my mother in the front row.
Cameron held his hand out, and I took it quickly, feeling calm once we were touching. I looked into the eyes of the man I loved and knew my life with him was going to be wonderful. He smiled, and I saw the love in his eyes — love for me, for us, and for our future together.
“Dearly beloved,” the minister began, “we are gathered here today to witness the union of Cameron Samuel Harper and Charlotte Grace Barnes…”
***
I coughed and sneezed three times in rapid succession. There was dust flying around everywhere, and I wondered what I’d been thinking when I had the bright idea to get started on my spring cleaning. I’d seen on an episode of Oprah how refreshing it could be to de-clutter your home, and I thought I’d give it a try. I just hadn’t realized how much work — and dust — would be involved after just seven months of marriage.
Resigning myself to finishing the job, I reached back into the hallway closet and pulled out another box. I sat cross-legged in front of it and peered inside: comic books and baseball cards, an old worn-out cap, and some super hero action figures — all the kinds of things you’d expect a young boy to have. Why did Cameron bring these childhood mementos with him when he moved out of his parents’ house? I sighed and made a stack next to me. I’d ask him when he came home if he wanted to keep them.
I kept digging through the box and found an old photo album. The cover was crinkled at the corners where it must have been dropped a few times. I flipped it open and saw pictures of Cameron’s whole family from about a decade before. Cameron looked to be in his early teens — awkward and long-limbed with spiky, gelled hair. I giggled at the photo, looking forward to laughing over it with him later.
Cameron’s parents looked much younger. It was surprising how much people aged in just ten years. I smiled as I flipped through the pages and saw the Harper family on various vacations and special occasions. It was interesting to see how they changed at each event, as if I was watching them mature on fast forward. I turned the last page and saw a photo of Cameron and me, not long after we’d first started dating. We were sitting cuddled together on his parents’ couch, legs entwined and fast asleep. I remembered the day. We’d all gone out his father’s boat. It was my first experience at sea, and Cameron had taught me how to tie a reef knot. We’d all come home with a pink tinge to our skin, feeling completely worn out. Cameron and I had snuck in a nap before dinner — I just wasn’t aware it had been captured on film.
“I’m home,” Cameron called from the front door.
“In here!” I yelled, standing up and brushing some of the dust from my clothes.
Cameron appeared in the doorway and looked around at all the work I’d done. The bookcases had been rearranged, the rug on the floor had been shaken out and was fluffy again, and there was a pile of things by the door that I wanted to give to charity.
“What have you been up to?” he asked, walking over to kiss the top of my head.
“Spring cleaning,” I said proudly.
“It looks great. You must be exhausted.” He placed his hand gently on my shoulder. “And you have dirt on your face.”
He laughed and ran his thumb over my forehead a few times, attempting to remove the smudges. I wiggled out of his grasp and rubbed the back of my hand over my forehead a few times before deciding more drastic measures were needed.
“I’m going to run upstairs and take a shower,” I said, leaning forward to kiss his lips briefly.
In the bathroom, I removed my dirty clothes and dropped them into the already-full hamper, vowing to do the laundry tomorrow. I got into the shower and let the water run over my head, plastering my hair down flat. I relished the feel of the heat seeping into my aching muscles. I hadn’t realized how sore I was until I stopped working. I moved my neck from one side to the other, allowing the warm water to bead down over my skin.
After just enjoying the feel of the water, I got to work shampooing my hair and lathering myself with body wash. Once I was as clean as I could possibly get, I allowed myself to stand under the water for a few more minutes, feeling the ache in my muscles melt away.
Once I stepped out, I toweled off and pulled on the soft, fluffy robe that had been hanging on the back of the bathroom door. As I went to the living room I could hear soft jazz music, Cameron’s favorite, coming down the hallway.
“Nice shower?”
“Mmm…the best.” I accepted the glass of wine he handed me and took a sip.
“Thanks for doing all this,” he said, nodding his head around to indicate the cleaning.
“It was kind of fun, actually. It felt good to de-clutter.”
He took the wine glass from my hands and placed it delicately on the coffee table before slipping his arms around my waist and pulling me close. He gently swayed to the music.
“What are you doing?”
“Dancing with my wife,” he replied with a shy smile.
“The last time we danced was — ”
“Our wedding. Too long ago,” he finished for me. He twirled me away from his body and pulled me close again, his lips finding mine.
In that moment I didn’t think anything could make my life more perfect. I was completely in love with a man who adored me, and we had our whole lives to be blissfully happy. I was the luckiest girl in the world. I had my happily ever after at twenty-two.
Chapter Two
The End
I love you. I had such a wonderful time last night. xxx
I read the text message from Lucy on Cam’s phone over and over, each time hoping the words would change. My brain just couldn’t comprehend the message — sent from my best friend to my husband. I put his phone down on the counter and walked through the house in a daze. In the living room, I stood in front of the Christmas tree, which mocked me with its illusions of joy, love, and family. This would be only our third Christmas together — was my marriage already over?
I felt numb as I bent down and gathered the presents I’d bought for my husband and carried them out of the room. I placed them next to the front door, neatly stacking them so their shiny red and green bows wouldn’t be crushed. I stood there staring, trying to form a coherent thought. But the only thing in my head was the fact that my best friend was in love with my husband. I heard the shower turn off, and I automatically went to the bedroom and opened Cameron’s closet door.
“Babe, can you grab me something to wear?” he called.
I stepped into the walk-in closet, looked at his clothes hanging neatly in front of me, and selected a pair of dark-wash jeans and a navy blue T-shirt from one of the shelves. Pulling open his top drawer, I grabbed a pair of black boxer-briefs and stood by the bathroom door for our morning ritual.
I knew I should be yelling and screaming at him, yet I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but stand and wait for him to leave the bathroom. My heart thudded in my chest, my hands shook slightly, and I heard a weird static in my ears — as if my brain had tuned out.
Right on cue, the door opened slightly, and his hand stuck out. I placed the clothes in his grasp. He pulled them in and closed the door loudly.
I selected his clothes every morning. He said he liked that I dressed him, and if he’d dressed himself, he’d look like a vagrant. I didn’t mind this little quirk, and normally I enjoyed the task. But today I realized I’d been selecting the clothes Lucy had seen him in — and maybe even removed from his body.
The bathroom door opened fully, and he walked out, looking every bit as handsome as I knew he would. His dark hair was still wet and gleamed under the bright bathroom light. He gave me a smile as he kissed me lightly on the cheek.
“Thanks,” he said on his way out of the room and down the hall.
I couldn’t move. He was acting so normally, and yet my whole life had changed. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff where a strong wind threatened to blow me over the edge, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
“Charlotte, did you move the coffee? I can’t find it anywhere,” he called from the kitchen.
Bile rose in my throat, and I swallowed hard before taking a few deep breaths, wanting to stay in control. I walked slowly down the hallway, like an inmate to her execution. I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye, but I stayed focused on the cupboard behind him, afraid that if I saw his face, it would all become too real.
Tears welled in my eyes, and my heart continued to pound. I needed to talk to him — needed him to tell me Lucy was some crazy stalker and he wasn’t cheating on me. But I couldn’t get any words out. If I opened my mouth, I might vomit.
I looked down at the beautiful diamond ring on my left hand and choked back a strangled sob. We’d only been married for two years. Was he already bored with me? I pulled the ring off and placed it on the kitchen counter, then proceeded to remove my earrings, necklace, and watch — all gifts from Cameron. I set them carefully next to the wedding ring.
Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I could see Cameron staring at me in confusion.
“Charlotte?”
I picked up his cell phone from the counter and handed it to him, the offending message still on the screen. His face paled as he read it, and he looked up at me nervously. The loud static in my ears was back, and I was starting to feel extremely hot.
“
Fuck!”
he yelled, throwing the phone against the wall. It clattered to the floor undamaged, unlike my heart.
We stood staring at each other for a moment, neither of us saying a word. Then his eyes broke from mine and slowly moved down to my jewelry, abandoned on the counter.
“Charlotte,” he said softly, moving toward me with his arms outstretched, as if to pull me into a hug.
“No,” I whispered, stepping backward and out of his grasp.
His face fell, and he stood still, staring at the floor.
“Do you love her?” I choked out between sobs. I felt the warm tears flowing over my cheeks as I watched him think about his answer.
He was silent for a moment, and his shoulders sagged.
“I feel something for her,” he said sadly.
I sank to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. The numbness that had been clouding my heart suddenly lifted, and the pain of what was happening hit me all at once. There wasn’t a single part of my body that didn’t hurt. I watched as my tears dripped onto the polished wood floor. Cameron’s shadow moved toward me, but I held my hand up to stop him before he could touch me.
“Do you love me?” I whispered, looking up at him.
“Yes, very much!” he insisted, dropping to his knees in front of me. “I’m so confused. I know what this looks like, but I want
you,
Char. I love you — ”
“I think you should go,” I whispered, cutting him off. As much as I wanted to hear something that would explain away his infidelity, I couldn’t listen to him right now.
“What?” He leaned closer to hear me.
I glanced up and looked at his eyes for the first time since I’d learned he was cheating on me. He must have seen something reflected back because despair washed over his face.
“I want you to leave,” I replied a little louder.
“Charlotte, please don’t do this. Can’t we just talk about it? I swear, it’s not what you think.”
I glared at him.
“It’s Christmas Eve,” he protested as I shook my head, not wanting to hear his excuses.
“Everyone is coming here for lunch tomorrow,” he added desperately. “I might deserve to be punished, but our families don’t. Please don’t ruin everyone’s Christmas.”
I wanted to scream that
he
was the one who’d ruined everyone’s Christmas, not to mention my life, but I couldn’t stand to destroy this special day for the people I loved. Cameron’s family had been nothing but wonderful and supportive of me and our marriage.
Nodding slowly, I stood up without looking at him. I knew it would be hard to keep up the illusion of our happy marriage with our families, but I thought I could do it for one day. I remembered the stack of presents by the front door and carefully carried them back to the living room, rearranging Cameron’s gifts under the Christmas tree and fussing absentmindedly with the bows, making sure they looked perfect.
I felt his presence in the room behind me, and the blood in my veins chilled, a feeling I’d never expected to experience around my husband. I stood and turned to face him.
“I’m going to stay with my dad tonight, but I’ll be back in the morning to start cooking lunch,” I said quietly.
“Charlotte, please stay so I can explain,” Cameron protested as I walked past, ignoring him, and went to the bedroom.
I quickly looked around the room and suppressed the tears I felt coming when I saw our wedding photo on the bookshelf. I closed my eyes to block the picture from my mind, but my memory jumped into overdrive, and all I could see, hear, and smell were the events of my wedding day playing out on the inside of my eyelids, and there was no way to escape them.
With a loud sigh, I yanked the closet door open and started pulling out random clothes, not even paying attention to what I was packing. No matter how hard I tried to concentrate, my brain was stuck on pause. It just kept replaying our wedding, which was now intermingled with the past few minutes, over and over in my head.
Once I had my overnight bag full, I walked back out to the kitchen and grabbed my purse and car keys off the counter. Cameron was nowhere to be seen, and I was glad I didn’t have to face him as I left.
My luck didn’t hold, however, as I stepped into the garage and saw Cameron leaning on the hood of my car, his arms folded over his chest, a determined look on his face.
“Don’t go,” he said softly.
I could see the pain in his eyes, but I couldn’t feel anything besides the agony in my heart. I couldn’t think of anything other than the fact that he’d cheated on me. There wasn’t room in my heart for forgiveness — or explanations — at the moment.
I put my overnight bag in the trunk, slamming it closed a little harder than was necessary. I saw Cameron flinch slightly as the sound echoed around the garage.
“Please, just give me space tonight. I’ll be back in the morning. We can talk after everyone leaves tomorrow.” I climbed into the driver’s seat of my car and closed the door without waiting to hear his response.
I opened the garage door and reversed quickly down the drive. Cameron watched me as I drove off down the street.
I’d never know how I managed to hold myself together on the drive to my dad’s house, but I did. I pulled into his driveway and collected my bag from the trunk. I knocked at the front door, but after a few minutes of no response I pulled my key out and let myself in.
My dad had insisted that I keep a key to his house. He wanted me to feel like I always had a sanctuary, somewhere safe I could go. Right now I couldn’t have been more grateful to him.
I walked up the stairs to my childhood bedroom and looked around. It was exactly as I’d left it: a single bed in the corner and an ancient computer on the old wooden desk under the window with stacks of teen novels around the monitor. The last time I’d slept in this room was the night before my wedding. I quickly put that thought out of my mind and lay down on the bed.
Then the tears came. I cried for what felt like hours. Warm, salty water soaked my pillow, but I couldn’t move from the fetal position I’d automatically assumed. The pain in my chest was more intense than anything I’d felt before. I tried to take some deep breaths to calm myself, but I could only manage short, shallow gasps. I cried until no more tears would come, and despite the sunlight shining though the window, I fell into a restless sleep.
***
I opened my eyes groggily, a hazy glare coming through the window. Realizing where I was, my heart broke all over again as I remembered why I was in this room. When my eyes started to prickle with tears, I shook my head and tried to force myself to calm down.
Knowing I’d have to put on a brave face all day for my family, I forced myself to get out of bed and showered quickly. After dressing in some of the clothes from the overnight bag, which matched better than I expected, I went downstairs to get ready to go face my husband.
Dad was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee and eating a slice of toast.
“Merry Christmas, kid.”
“Merry Christmas,” I said without any enthusiasm. I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat opposite him at the table.
We sat in comfortable silence as we drank, and I felt immense gratitude toward my father for not prying into my life. He must have known something was wrong or I wouldn’t have been there, but he didn’t question me.
“Is lunch still on today?” he asked cautiously, breaking the silence.
“Yes…I’m heading home now to start cooking.” I was surprised by how unemotional my voice was. It was like I was numb. Maybe one day of this wouldn’t be as hard as I thought.
I drained the last of my coffee and rinsed the mug in the sink. I kissed the top of Dad’s head gently as I walked past.
“You okay, Char?”
I turned back to face him with a half-smile. “No. See you at twelve for lunch.”
I walked out of the house and got into my car to return to the home I had shared with Cameron for the past two years. I circled the block several times before I finally built up the strength to pull into the driveway. I didn’t open the garage. I just left my car in the drive — in case.
I opened the front door and slipped inside as quietly as I could. The familiar smell of the house immediately put me at ease, but then sent a sharp pain through me because I realized I wouldn’t be my home for long. For a moment I thought I could get to work in the kitchen and not be noticed by Cameron until the others arrived. I knew I was being cowardly and weak, but I really didn’t know what to say or how to act. My brain was telling me to be angry, to demand an explanation and then scream and yell. But my heart didn’t want any answers. It couldn’t take it. If I heard his justifications it would break me even more.
As I looked over the living room, I spotted Cameron slumped on the couch, sleeping. He was still wearing the now-wrinkled clothes I’d picked out for him the morning before. His hair stuck up in all directions, and I could tell he’d been running his hands through it repeatedly, his usual stress reaction. He had dark circles under his eyes, and a glass sat on the coffee table in front of him, still half full of amber liquid.
That shocked me. I’d never known Cameron to drink away his problems, but I guess I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did. The alcohol was just one more thing to add to the list of new facts I’d learned about my husband in the past twenty-four hours.
Despite his slumber, he didn’t look peaceful at all. He looked troubled and restless. I turned the lock in the front door as quietly as I could, but the noise still woke him. He jolted in his seat, his eyes fixing on me and relief washing over his face.
“I wasn’t sure you’d come back,” he said in a husky voice as he sat up and rubbed his hands over his stubbly chin.
“I said I would,” I replied curtly, turning to the kitchen.
I washed my hands and pulled the turkey from the fridge. With it safely on the counter, I bent down to find a baking tray in the cabinet. When I stood up, Cameron was behind me.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly.
I could hear the emotion in his voice, and I honestly believed he
was
sorry. But it didn’t change the facts, and if I was going to make it through the day I couldn’t have this conversation.