CHAPTER ONE
Pennsylvania - Autumn
The first day of fall found Nicholas glancing at his watch, trying to keep his anxiousness at bay as he waited in the same spot at the same time of day for the same girl.
She would be heading his way any moment now.
He tried distracting himself with the sights of the university, but all it had to offer was the green and brown of trees and grass, the brick-red and grey of stone buildings. In between, the generally nondescript faces of his college-mates whizzed by.
He headed to another spot, hoping to blend in more with the busy scene, wondering if he would be able to make his Comparative Management class early for once, but he knew it was no use—his desire to see
her
was irresistible. He felt lassoed, dragged against his will, powerless against his traitorous legs—after all, his heart and eyes agreed with them. He was thirsty for the sight of her, hungry for the way she made his heart thump against his chest, addicted to the rush of feeling igniting his body whenever she came into view.
Still, he almost always felt like a criminal as he watched her, as if he were invading her space unlawfully, looking through her window as she emerged naked from a shower. He couldn’t shake the feeling, despite being near one of the school libraries with hundreds of other students jostling about around him, rushing off to their various commitments. He hated the guilt he felt, but the simultaneous pleasure from seeing her always managed to override it.
As she finally came into view the familiar feelings returned—his heart pounded, and blood coursed through his veins at a rate that heated his body beyond its usual ninety-eight point six degrees.
Briefly, he wondered if the echoing rhythm of his thundering heart would grab her attention and make her turn and catch him watching her. Of course the thought of her catching him and looking into his eyes for the first time made his heart beat even harder in excitement, even as he knew he had nothing to fear, for he was standing outside of her line of vision, partially hidden by a Siberian elm stretching its leafy shadows over him. Still, he knew she wouldn’t have seen him even if he was standing in plain sight since it seemed she tried to hide by not looking.
Her head was bowed as usual, and she was hugging books against her chest as if holding on for dear life. Whatever assets she had were hidden under her backpack and oversized clothes, but it never stopped him from watching her as she continued her steady stroll toward the library—it only fueled his curiosity about her.
He took in every detail he could, etching it deeper into his memory: her long, thick, dark curly hair pulled back into a somewhat messy braid, her eyes, downcast, shielded further by her glasses, her slim body, her smooth, brown skin peeking out from the sleeves of her T-shirt, her delicate face, expressionless.
Nicholas hated this addiction and loss of control. Although a somewhat pleasant feeling—his heart ablaze—it scared him.
He couldn’t keep doing this to himself; he had to decide.
But how? He still wanted to see her, but he couldn’t bring himself to approach her, and he didn’t know if it was because he feared she would shun him, or because he wanted to save her from him. He believed it was the latter; after all, he wanted nothing more than to make her aware of his presence, his interest, his admiration. To tell her how beautiful he found her, even if she didn’t agree. But he didn’t want to invite her to the dungeon of his life. Although he knew she could bring beauty to it, he didn’t want to make her ugly in the process.
So far he had contented himself with watching her from afar, suckling on the sense of peace and tranquility emanating from her, the serenity of her face, but it was no longer enough.
He decided to play a game of chance.
If she happens to look in my direction, I’ll go after her. If she doesn’t, I’ll stay away—somehow.
He continued staring at her, and it took him a few moments to realize he had actually been willing her to look at him, hoping the force of his stare would turn her head. He had seen it happen before—someone staring at another whose back was turned, the person staring caught by the object of his or her fascination as if by magic, as if the energy of the stare—the thoughts, desire, or admiration—reached out and tapped the other person on the shoulder, making them look directly into their eyes. But the girl’s quick, sound footsteps took her out of his sight as she disappeared through the library’s doors without turning her head.
Nicholas knew it was for the best—she was better off not knowing him. But then he remembered he would see her later that night as he pretended once again to study on the same floor as her at a nearby table in the library.
For the last time
, he promised himself.
All of a sudden he felt someone grab his arm, jarring him out of his reverie and making him jump. He turned toward the source, then breathed a sigh of relief when he saw who it was.
“God, you scared me,” he said. “Christ, I thought it was...”
“What, the police?”
His brother looked at him with dark eyebrows raised, his blue eyes mocking. “Because you know they should come and get you, stalker.” Eddie nodded his head in the direction of the library. “I hope she finds out, and I hope she gets a restraining order on your ass.”
“Hey, I’ve never done anything to her, never said a word...”
Nicholas felt his cheeks get warm when he saw the smirk on Eddie’s face, realizing that he had fallen into his brother’s trap. He had been unable to control his defensive reaction and immediately felt embarrassed.
“Nick, I was just kidding,” Eddie said, giving him a condescending rub on the shoulder, amusement still on his face. Then he shook his head and his expression took on a curious, slightly worried edge. “You mean you really do stalk her then?”
“No,” Nicholas protested, once again a little too loud, a little too fast.
“Well, this isn’t the first time I’ve seen you do this. Yeah I’ve watched you from a distance too bro,” Eddie said, answering Nicholas’s question before he could ask. “I can’t even imagine why you like her—it’s not like she’s a beauty or anything.”
Nicholas felt anger rise in him. He knew the look on his face was probably sharp enough to cut, but Eddie’s gaze was unwavering as he watched him in defiance, even folding his arms as if to solidify his position.
“Come on Nick, she’s not. So this is really confusing me here. I’ve seen some chocolate babes around here in much better packages if that’s what you’re after.”
The blood kept rushing through Nicholas, but he found himself just staring at his brother, not sure what to say in the girl’s defense. Eddie continued looking at him, unfazed.
A few seconds passed in silence, taking Nicholas’s anger with them, and his breathing returned to normal.
He sighed, resigning to Eddie’s nonchalance.
Then he looked at the ground, no longer able to look his brother in the eye.
He had heard of people meeting others for the first time and feeling like they had known each other all their lives. Perhaps something like this was happening to him.
“You know how when you meet some people, sometimes before they even speak, you immediately like or dislike them?” he began. “I mean, without hearing any rumors or anything—you just see them and get a strong impression, strong enough to decide how you feel about them.” He paused, trying to find a better way to describe it. “You get a whiff of their spirit I guess. Their aura.”
Nicholas wanted to kick himself when the last words fell out of his mouth as Eddie responded exactly as expected by laughing.
Nicholas narrowed his eyes at him.
“Look, that’s how it is with her Ed. She just strikes me as a great person.”
He turned away to avoid the glare of Eddie’s white-teethed grin.
“Yeah, okay Nick,” Eddie replied in that condescending meter and tone that made Nicholas want to punch him in the face. Then Eddie’s face softened. “Hey, I’m just playing with you bro, I know what you’re trying to say. Kind of like what Charlene used to say right? Something about her spirit ‘taking to’ some people and ‘not taking to’ others.”
Eddie paused, as if carefully thinking about his next words.
“So why don’t you just go talk to her then? Find out how wonderful she really is?”
Nicholas’s heart had warmed at the mention of their old nanny, but he looked away again, this time in the direction of the library as his thoughts returned to the girl, wishing he could see her in one of its windows, but at the same time, glad he couldn’t.
“I can’t,” he said after a few moments.
He looked at the ground again, focusing on a beetle crawling over the bridge of his sneakered foot toward the emerald forest of blades on the other side.
He heard Eddie let out a frustrated breath.
“But why, man? Why don’t you just go up to her?”
Eddie’s voice was almost desperate now, all traces of amusement gone.
“Man, this is so weird. First, you, Nicholas Dhalton, are ‘in like’ with a plain girl. A plain,
black
girl nonetheless. Not to mention she’s what, middle-class at best? Then, you’re too scared to approach her.” Eddie shook his head and threw up his hands. “This is like the twilight zone.”
He put his hands on Nicholas’s shoulders, forcing him to look into his bewildered eyes.
“We Dhaltons are not afraid of women!” he said.
Nicholas wondered if his brother could ever become fully supportive of his interest in the girl. He often wondered if Eddie was really on his side.
“I just can’t,” Nicholas said with finality.
He extracted himself from Eddie’s grip and glanced over at the library once more before turning and walking in the opposite direction toward his class. He couldn’t, he had said. But he knew he could, and was afraid he would.
END OF EXCERPT
Chrysalis
was released on June 1st, 2013. Check it out on Amazon
here
.