Playing With Fire (Sweet Redemption) (4 page)

CHAPTER THREE: NEW BEGINNINGS

A ringing phone entered Janet’s dream, and she eventually realized it wasn’t actually part of it and drifted awake, grabbing her cell from her nightstand. So much for sleeping in on a Saturday.

Liz’s name shouted at her from the screen.

She tried to remember if they had planned anything for the day, her brain still fogged by sleep.

She decided to answer the call.

“Hello?”

“So what did I miss?” Liz sounded excited.

“What do you mean?

“At the reception! What else?”

“Oh. It was just...”

“Don’t even girl—I glimpsed the fresh meat. Who is he?”

Janet sighed heavily.

“Girl...” Janet dragged the word out the same way Liz had done herself the night before; she didn’t know where to begin.

“Okay, this sounds good. You want to meet up for lunch? You know what? Bump that. I’m heading over.”

Janet felt relieved and worried all at once. She wondered what she would say to Liz about the events of the previous day—should she tell her about David’s second break-in? About her deep attraction to Eric? About how afraid she was that she saw Eric as ‘the one’ when he probably saw her as ‘the next one for now’?

A guy like him couldn’t possibly be a one-woman man—it wouldn’t make sense for him to be anything but a confirmed lifelong bachelor, like Hefner or Clooney or DiCaprio. He might not have their kind of money, but his looks alone could probably get him a different woman every night for the rest of his life—why would he settle down with her?

Oh my god, what’s wrong with me?
Janet thought. Her engagement hadn’t been broken off a month yet here she was with thoughts of settling down with some other guy on her mind. And for real this time. And she hardly even knew the guy yet!

She couldn’t deny it; settling down and raising a family was what she wanted more than anything, what she had always wanted, ever since she could remember, and probably part of why it had been easy to convince herself that saying yes to David’s proposal was the right thing to do.

Her parents had been happily married, and although she had single aunts who seemed happy just being single, she still always wanted the married life—definitely since the age of thirteen when she fantasized about what her husband and future family would look like.

And then there that guy was right out of her teenaged fantasy, walking into an elevator.

The resemblance between Eric and her dream guy from fourteen years ago was uncanny, so much so, that she wondered if she could have dreamed him into life.

There you go again, being irrational and downright crazy
, she said to herself.
Shut the emotions down girl—your brain’s getting fried.

She couldn’t risk getting illogical over some guy.

Still, she knew it was useless to try to stop them—emotions had a stronger current than logic, and she knew she’d get pulled into Eric’s whirlpool. And she welcomed it.

Although she had made a pledge to herself to keep abstinent and still had another sixty-eight days, Eric certainly walked in at the right time. She needed the promise in his eyes.

She only hoped he was the right man after all.

***

When Liz arrived, Janet felt giddy with excitement, finally ready to tell her everything.

“How are you gonna make it girl?” Liz said after she had finished her recap. “What are you going to do?”

“What
can
I do? Ask him to get fired? I have no grounds for that, not that I’ve thought about it.”

“Girl, why even fight it?”

“Everyone knows work relationships aren’t a good idea, and he and I will be working together so closely...”

Liz shrugged.

“Doesn’t have to be serious...”

“I only wish I could bang it out and get it over with—I really wish it was that shallow, what I feel when I’m around him. All that fort-building crumbled somehow and now I’m scared...”

Her voice broke unexpectedly, and she felt no embarrassment over it; she knew Liz wouldn’t judge her.

Liz’s face sobered up.

“Wow—what kind of voodoo did he do on you?”

Janet shook her head, unable to respond.

“I think someone’s getting why it’s not so easy for me to just up and leave Jason. Shit like that’s always easier said than done when your emotions are involved.”

Janet nodded, still not trusting her voice.

“Well babe, I only hope he treats you better than Jason treats me. In the meantime, all I can say is try not to let him know how easy you are for the taking. Once they know you’re putty, they have the upper-hand, and from there, you can only hope they use their powers for good and allow themselves to fall in as deep. Otherwise, you’re screwed.”

“I know that. I just don’t know how not to show it,” Janet said, regaining control of her voice.

“Girl, that’s all I’ve got. Pretend he blew up your house or something—I don’t know. But don’t make him think you’re mad at him because then he’ll wonder what’s up and try to make up for it. Then you’re toast.”

***

“We have to stop meeting like this,” Eric said as Monday came around and Janet had to hold the elevator for him.

She nodded a greeting, her voice deserting her.

Was the AC off? Why was the elevator so damn warm?

“Good morning to you too partner,” he said, and she had to resist closing her eyes as his voice travelled through her.

She felt her cheeks warming.

To make things worse, she knew she was failing her usual control of body language—her eyes averted, unable to meet his, standing as far away from him as possible, holding her purse tight to her as if crossing her arms over herself and generally taking up as little space as possible would help.

Flames of shame engulfed her when she thought she heard him laughing.

She finally met his eyes to confirm her suspicion.

“What?” she said, when she saw that he was indeed having a barely stifled laugh at what appeared to be her expense.

“Everyone’s gonna think we’re doing it if you keep acting like that.”

“What?” she said, horrified to hear how high-pitched she sounded.

“Your face, your demeanor—everything about you is screaming guilt of some sort.”

“I’ll have you know that was quite inappropriate what you just said—you shouldn’t say such things to a lady.”

Nailed it Janet lately
.
And what am I—some old British bat now?

She let out a breath and felt her cheeks getting hotter as he laughed outright, not bothering to restrain himself this time.

“I apologize m’lady. I didn’t mean to offend your sensibilities.”

She hated his mocking poor British accent and focused on that.

“Yeah well, I don’t know you like that, so don’t talk to me like that.”

He put his hands up as if in defense.

“Aye aye captain. Wouldn’t want to piss off the President’s daughter.”

For the first time since they met, he looked away from her, cutting her off in a way that was clear.

She felt embarrassed all over again, as if she had done something wrong.

His tone had been cold, and she would have thought that impossible.

No
, she told herself, swallowing an apology determined to show itself.
He was wrong, you were in the right.

She too looked into a corner of the elevator.

Soon she felt his eyes on her and she turned to catch him.

He didn’t bother to look away; in fact, his look was intense, and she had no idea what he might have been thinking. Whatever it was, he looked calculating, and in a way that frightened her.

She felt for some reason like he would make her pay for her comments to him—a look he underscored as the elevator stopped and the door opened.

His look seemed to match her interpretation exactly and he was making sure she saw it. Then he finally turned away and walked out.

She shook her head and followed him out.

She suddenly felt very worried and tried to tell herself it was her guilt again, projecting onto him a planned punishment she felt like she deserved.

What frightened her most was her thrill at the thought.

***

It was their first official day working together, and although she had nothing to compare it to, she felt the way he was dealing with her as they began planning their project and outlining their goals, was not how he would have had they not had friction in the elevator.

Eric was doing nothing particularly differently or coldly, but she felt the distance he had put between them and all she wanted to do was make up.

“It’s almost one thirty—you want to have lunch together?” she asked him quietly, watching him while trying not to analyze his broad suited form as he sat across from her on the other side of her desk.

She had to make a conscious effort not to imagine him without the suit on, and sitting across from her shirtless. She had to try not to think about how it would feel to run her hands over what she knew would be a muscled chest, and probably six-pack abs.

He shrugged.

“Sure,” he said, looking like it didn’t matter to him whether they did or not as he kept his eyes on the papers in the binder he held in his hands, hands that looked strong and capable.

“Good,” she said, silently deciding on her usual spot where she could get a salad and he could get a sub if he wanted.

She felt like she was taking control back by dictating the smaller things, but their walk to the Sub Hub was in silence, and she realized she wasn’t controlling their pace at all.

They got their orders and sat down.

“You unnerve me when you stay quiet like that,” she said as he unwrapped his sandwich. She looked forward to watching him try to eat it; she had ordered soup and a salad, easy things to eat delicately.

“Look who’s talking,” he said. “I’m not always this quiet, but the way you bit my head off earlier, I’d prefer not to provoke you again.”

“Look, I’m sorry about that. It’s just that I’m having a hard time...” She stopped, taking a breath. “There have been lots of changes—in general—lately, and I’m a bit stressed. That’s all. I know that’s no excuse but a lot’s been going on—new directions for the company, new temporary partner and project, my break-up...”

“He hasn’t been bothering you lately has he?” Eric asked, suddenly looking concerned. Janet was relieved he seemed engaged in their interactions again, and couldn’t believe how happy that made her feel.

“You know actually, come to think of it, yesterday was the first time I hadn’t heard from him at all. Ever since the breakup, he has tried to reach me every single day, one way or another. I ignore his calls but of course he leaves voice mails or texts. The surprise visits are a recent development. The first two weeks after the break-up was just calls and him popping up at the office trying to see me. The secretary knows what to tell him though, and he usually leaves eventually since obviously I don’t go out to see him.”

“He’s dangerous Janet.”

“Yes, I remember you saying something like that, but I’ve known him for over three years. He’s not a violent guy...”

“A man who breaks into your home is not someone who’s trustworthy. Keep your eyes open is all I’m saying.”

“Well, I appreciate the concern. Thank you.”

She was glad her words hadn’t come out sounding sarcastic because she really meant it.

Eric held out his hand and smiled.

“Truce?” he said.

She took it, smiling back.

“Truce,” she said. “I won’t let my personal problems cause me to get snappy, and you’ll stay out of my personal problems.”

He took a few seconds before answering.

“Deal,” he said finally, but quietly and gravely.

“Good, ‘cause I’m hungry,” she said, trying to keep the mood light.

“So am I,” he replied, but Janet wondered if he was talking about food. She wasn’t sure if she’d heard something in his voice or if it was just her own dirty mind, but she was too afraid to look up in case she saw the meaning she pulled from his words in his eyes.

Sixty-six more days.

CHAPTER FOUR: SERIOUS BUSINESS

Janet decided to have lunch with Eric again the following day, and this time, she let him choose the place. She was glad when he chose Sub Hub again since she didn’t have to compromise her diet.

She was finally starting to relax around Eric a little, and she knew the more contact she had with him, the easier it would get to pretend she felt little more than what she usually felt for coworkers, so she silently planned to eat with him for about a week.

They only had to work closely on their project in the beginning as they sorted everything out, but she knew he’d soon spend less and less time in her office and calling her on the phone, and they’d have major contact only when the next phase was reached or if they had to regroup. She felt a sudden sadness at the thought.

Still, as much as she wanted to, she knew regular lunches with him would only be trouble, but she convinced herself she was doing them now to help them get to know each other and get familiar and comfortable in order to maximize their compatibility for working together and ultimately, their efficiency. It was all logical.

She had blown Liz off for the second day in a row but Liz was understanding, and even sounded conspiratorial in the way she told her to take all the time she needed in getting to know her new coworker. But Janet knew Liz didn’t expect to get dumped completely, and planned to get back to having lunch with her by the following week.

Eric would understand.

As she and Eric settled down to eat, Janet was horrified to see a familiar face entering the café and immediately thought:
he’s following me
.

With the lack of contact attempts, she had begun to think that David had finally gotten the message and was moving on, but she now realized how very wrong she was.

“What are you doing here with him?” David demanded as he came up to them, thumbing rudely in Eric’s direction.

“Excuse you? Why else would someone come here but to grab a bite to eat?”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s a bite he wants to grab,” David said, disgust etched in his face as he briefly looked at Eric.

Eric sat quietly, his eyebrows raising as he looked from her to David.

Janet felt embarrassed even though she knew this wasn’t her fault.

“That’s none of your goddamned business David. What the hell’s wrong with you acting all crazy over my lunch with a coworker,
especially
when it’s no longer your concern?”

“It’ll always be my concern Jan—I love you. Look, I’m sorry I was a jerk but you have to take me back. We were gonna get married for Christ’s sake—how could you turn your back on us like that?”

Janet almost choked.

“
I’m
the one who turned my back? David, get out of my face—and my life—for good.”

David opened his mouth as if to say something but Eric stood up with force, hitting the table accidentally so that everything shook on it.

David’s eyes turned to him.

“How many times does the lady have to tell you to beat it?” Eric said, and his voice was quiet, but Janet detected something underneath it—like a barely constrained seething rage.

“What are you now, her bodyguard?” David said, scoffing.

“I can be,” Eric asserted, not only turning fully toward David, but stepping into his space. “Seriously, man—what you’re doing is called stalking. Her next step is a restraining order, and I’m not sure you want to find out the next step.”

“Man, screw you,” David said with a dismissive move with his hand as he turned away. “She’ll always come back to me.” He headed to the open glass doors. “Coworker my ass,” he said looking Eric up and down before disappearing through the doors.

Eric just watched him leave until he was out of sight.

Then he sat back down.

Janet watched him for a few moments.

“Excuse you?” she said lightly, still trying to suppress the delight that had surged through her at his actions. “You’re dictating what I should do now? That’s rich.” She smiled to let him know she wasn’t seriously berating him.

He didn’t return her smile; in fact, a storm appeared to be brewing underneath his skin.

“You really should take him seriously Janet. Look, since we’ll be working together for a while here’s a little bit about me: I grew up in a lower middle class neighborhood. And that’s just my way of saying upper lower class. I went to...perhaps not the worst high school in San Diego, but certainly not one of the safest. We had a mixed bag of people, and lots of folks who thought they were thugs. Some of them were—from
cholos
to Vietnamese gang-bangers. My graduating class had well over two hundred people and today, a few are in jail, and nine of them are dead as far as I know, and it’s only been fourteen years since graduation. Two of them died of drug overdoses, another had some weird brain aneurism. One got shot in an altercation, another in a drive by, and AIDS, a stabbing, and a botched abortion took out the rest. And although I didn’t know them or even like them, I felt each one when I heard about their deaths because they were familiar to me, I remember their existence. But there was one girl in our class who was sort of a friend of mine. A sweet girl I kind of knew had a crush on me but she wasn’t my type. Still, we hung out a few times, sometimes with the same crew, we’d joke around with each other, say ‘hi’ in the hallways—that kind of thing. I was Facebook friends with her, and then about a year ago, I realized one day her wall got flooded with a bunch of R.I.P messages. I knew she was dating this guy—didn’t say much about him, but I found out later she had a hard time in the relationship. Possessive guy who wouldn’t let her do anything, suspected her every time she went out without him. Kept her boxed in while he flirted and did whatever he wanted. When she finally broke up with him, he didn’t agree, and continued to follow her around. I know you know where this is going Janet—that girl is dead because she never believed things could escalate to that level. She was even flattered that her ex didn’t seem to be able to leave her alone according to some of her wall posts.”

Eric’s face looked like he was about to spit and his eyes had hardened in a way that made her wonder how David could even pretend not to be afraid of him. But as hard as his eyes looked, she noticed a slight glistening.

“He took her life because she wouldn’t just give it to him; he felt he had a right to her, and no one else did. And you know what’s worse? The same goddamned thing happened to my cousin a few years earlier—her boyfriend killed her. What David’s doing—that’s not love Janet. His obsession isn’t about you, it’s about him. And that means you can get hurt in the process because he’s only looking out for himself.”

Janet couldn’t look at him anymore, not only feeling like a parent had quietly, lovingly scolded her, but because all she could think about was Liz.

She lost the rest of her appetite.

***

The next day, when Janet received the latest text message from David, she wondered why she hadn’t blocked his number yet.

Then she realized it was just like Eric had said when he relayed the story of his friend: she liked the attention.

It made her feel good that David seemed unable to forget her, unable to get her off of his mind. That he recognized her value, and appropriately, couldn’t let her go easily.

You keep ignoring me, and I will come to your work,
his most recent text said.

Janet sighed in resignation.

Fine, I’ll meet you for lunch today
, she texted back, feeling guilty.

She realized the guilt was because of Eric—both for ignoring his warnings, and meeting with another man. She tried chastising herself for the guilt; after all, she and Eric weren’t an item, so it wasn’t like she owed him lunch date exclusivity.

Then she realized she was just distracting herself from the other type of guilt, but feared examining that one further.

At the end of it, if you still don’t want me, I’ll stay out of your life,
David texted her.

Forever?
she texted back.

Yes.

Deal.

***

David was already there waiting when she showed up at their agreed-upon location.

He stood up to greet her and sat back down after she sat opposite him.

“I’m not leaving until I say all I have to say,” he began.

Janet nodded, encouraging him to continue.

“Jan, you know I love you...”

“Then why did you...?”

“Let me finish,” he said, holding up a hand. “You know, I’m surprised you couldn’t guess why I was sleeping with Michelle.”

Janet made a conscious effort to keep her mouth shut.

“I mean, our sex life was down to...what was it, like once a week if I was lucky? Probably more like every two weeks? Look, I’m a man, and...”

“Oh, is that what that little lump in your pants means? Not too inspiring I can tell you.”

It seemed a shadow passed over his face somehow, and Janet knew she had gone too far when she saw the look in his eyes as his jaw tightened.

But what did he expect bringing everything up again as if trying to hurt her? How could he not expect her to strike back?

“You’re gonna play me like that, huh?” David said, his voice different—lower.

He looked around, and she wasn’t sure why.

Suddenly, she felt scared.

Then his face broke into a grin, showing his carefully constructed, perfect straight white teeth. There was no real mirth in his smile or anywhere on his face, but the action made her relax a little.

She softened her voice in silent apology.

“Why didn’t you just find a street whore and screw her then? That way I wouldn’t be able to find out. Unless I broke out in herpes or something...”

“Janet, you have to know the kind of withholding you did doesn’t help a relationship—you can’t just decide not to have sex with me because I didn’t open your door all the time or because I forgot your birthday that one time, or because we had a little argument earlier in the day. I have needs...”

“Well so did I!”

“What else did you need from me Janet? What wasn’t I giving you?”

Janet couldn’t answer.

She tried to think back—what was it she was missing?

Then she remembered.

She let out a heavy breath.

“It was something you simply couldn’t give me David, and I’m sorry, but you’re right—ultimately, this wasn’t your fault. Blame’s on me for staying with someone I couldn’t passionately fall in love with. Don’t get me wrong—I loved you, I just...”

David held up his hand.

“You just weren’t in love with me, I get it.”

He was looking away, a wry smile on his face as he shook his head.

“Classic breakup excuse. But is it really true?”

Janet nodded her head, knowing he would see the truth on her face as she examined his.

“I did everything I could to silently push you away from me I guess. I didn’t really want to be with you and it’s really that simple. And nothing’s changed.”

David shot up quickly, startling her.

“Well, I guess that’s that,” he said, throwing up his arms in surrender as he gave a false smile that disappeared almost as quickly as it came.

“See you around Jan. Have a nice life.”

He was gone before she could figure out what to say in response.

***

I need a drink
, Janet thought as she headed back to the office, feeling guilty once again.

She had seen genuine hurt in David’s eyes, and she hated that she was the cause of it, hated to see it so plainly. His pain was not at all flattering to her and she felt like a jerk for putting him through it, despite what he’d done to her.

She closed the door to her office behind her, sliding the ‘Meeting In Session’ bar across so no one would disturb her.

She wanted to just mope for a few minutes.

But as she sat at her desk, not more than five minutes had gone by when she heard a knock.

Who on earth would knock when I...

She peeked, then opened the door to Eric.

“What is it?” she said, trying to keep irritation out of her voice. “No one is to disturb me when this is up.” She pointed to the black lettering on the gold background and the lie it spelled out.

Eric looked beyond her.

“A meeting with who? Mr. Desk and Miss Window?”

Janet let out a breath and let him in, closing the door behind him.

“What’s the emergency?”

He didn’t answer right away, just looked at her. She had a hard time keeping up the eye contact.

“Well?” she asked, folding her arms.

“What happened?” he asked gently.

“What do you mean?”

“I can see it on your face—something happened. I’ve never seen you look so sad...”

“Well you haven’t known me for that long have you? That’s no surprise.”

She had tried to sound sharp but it came out more like a grumble.

Emotions started welling in her, and she got angry at herself, at them for betraying her.

What she needed was some Bailey’s and coffee right now.

“Come,” she heard him say, and she saw that he was holding out his arms. His voice sounded like the Bailey’s and coffee mix she so desperately needed.