He slid down on the mattress and stared up at the dark ceiling. Silence settled between them. He damn well knew she wasn’t asleep.
He let out a long sigh as he asked, “What did you dream about?”
She shifted. She was suddenly on top of him, her head tucked under his chin, her body curled over his chest, her arms stretched around his head, her legs tucked up on either side of him, her crotch resting on his. She didn’t move. He could feel the softness of her breasts against his chest, the rhythm of her breathing and thump of her heart. He wasn’t sure what she was about. She seemed different tonight. Scared. Needy. Clingy. Something that Cassie had never been before.
She suddenly sat up straight and pulled her shirt off over her head, drew his hand up and put it on her breast as she leaned back down and kissed him. She fumbled around trying to get the bottom half of her clothes off as she kissed him. She had to fall to the side of him to finish stripping. She tugged at the boxers he’d worn to bed.
Satisfied they were both naked she then cuddled her backside up against his front, pulling his hands around her to clasp each breast, while tightly pressing her butt into his groin. He groaned at the sensations, and quickly took over with what she was trying to do. His hands gripped her breasts as he ran his fingers over her nipples. He leaned over to kiss her. He kept one hand on her breast as the other hand slid down between her legs. She opened her legs as the energy between them grew hotter and more frantic.
She slipped her hand between them and found his erection. She already had a condom and slipped it on him. He moved into her. The heat seemed to explode around them. Last night she had wanted it slow and easy, tonight he could feel the tension in her, hot and demanding. She wanted his movements fast and hard until her body tightened around his.
Exhausted he fell next to her. How the hell could it have gotten hotter than it had been the night before?
A long while later, when she finally spoke, her voice was soft, “When Kelly was thirteen, I caught one of my mother’s boyfriends raping her.”
“You what?”
“Kelly doesn’t remember it.”
John didn’t know what his reaction was supposed to be. Unsure he let the silence seep between them for a long moment.
He rolled onto his side. He put an arm out, found her, and drew closer to him. She too was on her side, facing him. He brushed a finger along her cheek, she’d been crying, silently, for more than a moment.
“I dream about it sometimes,” she said softly.
“Tonight?”
She shook her head.
“I told Heather. Heather denied it, called me a liar. It was like once mom denied it; Kelly’s own brain wouldn’t believe it either. She wouldn’t talk to me, and clung to the belief it never happened. Once, when she was in her early twenties, she asked me about it. I told her what I knew, but she didn’t believe me. I’ll never forgive myself for not protecting her.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“It was. I knew about things like that. I knew about Heather’s boyfriends. It was too my fault.”
“It was not your job to be your sister’s mother.”
“But I was. There was no one else.”
“But that’s the point; there should have been someone else. It wasn’t supposed to be your job to save your sister.”
“We should have had someone to go to for help.”
John shifted. “Someone like Harry Everhart perhaps?”
“It hurts to find out that my father isn’t one of my mother’s loser boyfriends, but a kindly old man who happens to be a doctor with a wife who is kind in ways I’ve never known.”
“Of course it hurts you. It was a terrible thing for Harry to do to you.”
She paused then nodded. “It was, wasn’t it?”
He smiled into the dark. She didn’t seem to know for sure that it was indeed a terrible thing that Harry did to her. “It really was.”
“What’s he like?”
“Harry? Smart, kind, soft spoken, a thoughtful teacher, a generous care giver, and I thought of him much as I did my own father.”
“What if I was wrong?”
“To get angry at him? No you weren’t wrong. Maybe though, when you have a chance to think clearly, you should give him a chance.”
She didn’t answer.
“Cassie?”
“What?”
“I’m sorry about Kelly. I really had no idea. In fact, I never really had a clear picture of what you grew up with.”
“Your parents are really wonderful. You and Luke are very lucky.”
“I should have introduced you before.”
The dark seemed to draw out an honesty they hadn’t shared since a decade ago. He pushed a stray strand of her hair off her eyes.
“I’ve never told a soul about Kelly.”
“You can trust me. You just never did.”
“If I’d trusted you with the real me, you would never have loved me.”
“That’s not true, I would have.”
“You don’t know—”
“I do know that. I loved you for years after I last saw you. Even after I knew what you’d done. So I know I would have loved you, no matter what.”
“After everything with us, what did you do?”
“Nothing.”
“What do you mean nothing?”
“What was I supposed to do? You’d already done it, and we’d broken up. I had nothing to say to you and less to say to anyone else about it.”
“You did nothing different?”
“No.”
“Has it ever occurred to you maybe that’s your problem.”
“What?”
“Not reacting to things.”
“That’s my way.”
“So that’s why you’ve had no reaction to Sarah leaving as she did?”
“Yes.”
“How do you feel?”
“About Sarah?”
“About Sarah? About me? About us?”
“I have no idea.”
She was silent. Finally she asked, “Do you hate me still?”
“No.”
“You just won’t forgive me.”
“I don’t know yet.”
“You don’t know yet? That’s it? That’s all you have to say to all of this?”
“For now, yeah that’s all I have to say to you.”
****
Cassie stretched out near John stiff and silent. She wanted John to put his arms around her and hold her tenderly. She’d vowed to stay out of John’s room tonight. But the nightmare she’d suffered for fifteen years had been worse than usual. She’d woken up with sweat beading her body and soaking the sheets. She knew it was a combination of her current fears, and age old guilt that had caused the dream, but still it was shattering to her mental condition. It was a bad omen, making her feel very small and very alone. Making her once again wonder if she could protect Tim. She’d wanted comfort. She’d wanted John. So she’d come to him.
Now lying in the dark next to him, still completely unclear how he felt about her, she knew one thing with stark clarity; she had fallen back in love with him. She flipped over. Tears pressed into her tightly shut eye lids. She let out breath. Another pointless blunder she’d have to deal with and get over. Because there was no way John would ever feel the same way about her.
Chapter Eighteen
John got up and went into the bathroom. Cassie rubbed her eyes and stretched, feeling like shit. She’d slept little and thought too much. John soon came out of the bathroom showered and wrapped in a towel, looking refreshed, relaxed, handsome and sexy which made her heart flutter, and pissed her off all the more.
He stopped moving when he caught her gaze. She got up and walked past him. He followed behind her into the bathroom. He stood quietly while she turned the shower on and let it heat up. She got into the shower and shut the door on him, hidden by the foggy glass. It was only a second before cold air hit her back and his long naked body was behind hers. His hands came around her waist and pulled her against him. He turned her around and looked into her eyes. Then he pulled her into his arms and hugged her to him long and hard. The hot water sliced over them, his warmth seemed to seep into her. He felt so good.
She relaxed in his embrace and felt the way she’d wanted to feel last night.
And stupidly she wanted to cry again. She waited for him to kiss her or fondle her. He didn’t. He tipped her head back into the warm water and wet her hair, then he took shampoo and worked it through her hair his fingers firm and massaging on her scalp. She closed her eyes enjoying the relaxing sensation. He dropped his hands to her shoulders and massaged them. He did the same to the rest of her back for so many minutes she nearly dropped to the bottom of the stall with how wonderful it felt.
He washed the rest of her; the soap on his hands was slick and sensual. He washed her, keeping the shower more a massage than sex. She automatically started to return the favor but he gently nudged her hands away, turned off the shower, and reached out to grab a large white towel. He dried her off first, then himself. She stood there. What was next? They must be about to head toward the bedroom.
But then he just wandered off to his closet, coming out with pants on and ducking his head into a shirt. She stood there with the towel clutched around her. What had that been about?
He stopped moving when he noticed her standing there. He arched his eyebrows at her.
“What was that?” she asked, waving a hand at the shower.
He tilted his head at her. His expression strange. “TLC Cassie. You looked sad this morning.”
“So you just wanted to make me feel better?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Why? What kind of question is that? Because it’s the normal thing to do when someone looks so miserable.”
She didn’t get it. What was John about? She had no clue where they stood in the light of day.
He walked over and again wrapped his arms around her, then rested his hands on her lower back. He looked down at her face and kissed her softly, sweetly, on the mouth. “I was nice to you wasn’t I, even ten years ago?”
“Yes.”
“Then why would it be different now? I’m not like that. I’m not one of your mother’s boyfriends, and you’re definitely not your mother.”
“You don’t love me.”
“I’ve slept with women I’m not in love with, and I don’t think any of them would accuse me of treating them bad.”
She straightened in his arms. “Look, one night stands are no big deal to me. I’m not like other women. I can take care of myself.”
He smiled gently into her eyes. “No you can’t. You’re completely lost and illogical about sex. Your opinion of yourself sucks. You think you can handle this thing with us like it’s no big deal. But you can’t. And besides that, this isn’t just a one night stand and you know it.”
“We shouldn’t have done this.”
“It was just a shower.”
She started to argue, but stopped when she noticed the tug of a smile on his lips.
She finally grinned back. “It was the best shower I’ve ever had.”
“Then we’ll have to do it again soon.”
She rolled her eyes. She started to push him away. He gripped her tighter.
“Six years of celibacy is punishment enough. It’s time to let it go.”
“Don’t say that. Nothing about me can really change. You can do this with me now, only under these strange circumstances, but once real life finally starts again, you couldn’t be with me. No one can.”
She tugged her arms out from under him and spun around, leaving the room with her statement as the final oppressive word between them.
****
Cassie had spent all her time over the last few days worrying how Tim was handling their separation. She wandered from room to room and listlessly tried to occupy her time. There had been the drama of John, of course, to take her mind off of the stress, but never long away from Tim, or the never ending question of where was Marcus Leary?
She went back to ignoring John and letting all the unsaid things between them stew so that John and her were back to the tension that so easily seemed to define their interactions.
She waited until he was out of the kitchen and safely in his office before she had breakfast. She managed to ignore him most of the day without talking or making eye contact. Eventually she knew they’d have to discuss things. But she was in no hurry to. No answers this time seemed safer than answers. And at least as of now, John hadn’t totally rejected her.
The phone rang. Cassie glanced at the clock. It was nearly five o’clock in the evening. John came into the living room where she’d been reading, a few moments later. He walked slowly, each step heavy as if the carpet was mud sucking at his feet. His body was stiff and unnatural. Before he was half way to her she jumped up, and her book dropped to the floor. Her hands shook, and her breathing increased.
“It’s Tim isn’t it? Tell me John, just tell me.”
“No, it’s not Tim. I promise you it’s not Tim.” He reached for her and gripped her tightly by her upper arms. She lost her strength at the news her son was okay. It took a moment to regain her composure.
“What then?”
His jaw was clenched. He looked into her eyes. “It’s Kelly.”
“Kelly? What about her?”
“She’s in the hospital. He hurt her, Cassie. Marcus hurt her.”
“But…But how?” Cassie’s legs trembled. “Tell me what happened.”
“Let’s go. I’ll tell you what Luke said on the way.”
She followed him quickly to his SUV and waited as he started it and pulled out of the driveway. She dug her fingers into her thighs. Kelly was hurt. Hurt because of her. Once again she’d let her sister down. Oh God, she was responsible for Kelly being in the hospital. She pushed her face into her hands.
“Luke found her in her bedroom. She’d been beaten up and was unconscious.”
“Oh God, no. Not Kelly. It’s all my fault. It was supposed to be me.”
John took her hand. “It wasn’t supposed to be anyone. Don’t do it, don’t let Leary win by blaming yourself for him. He did it. He must have known he couldn’t easily get to you, and he found the sure way to hurt you.”
“I have always failed Kelly.”
“Stop it,” John said, taking his eyes from the road long enough to stare into her eyes. “Kelly being raped wasn’t your fault. Marcus Leary stalking you wasn’t your fault. He wants to get to you, so he used Kelly, and she was the last person anyone suspected he would hurt. That’s why he did it. You can’t have failed Kelly or Tim, because none of this is your fault. Whatever you’ve done in your past, you don’t deserve this. You hear me? You don’t deserve this.”