Private Show (The Private Series) (29 page)

“Why?” I ask.

He looks me deep in the eyes and cups my face in his hands, “Don’t you know it by now, Tess? You are my permanent.”

I recall our conversation about tattoos and why I don’t have any, because I haven’t found anything that is worth being permanent on my body. I break. I fall to my knees and drop my head to my legs and sob. Ben instantly joins me on the floor and pulls me into his lap.

“Hey, why are you crying?”

It takes me a couple of tries before I can finally speak up, “It’s a beautiful tattoo, Ben, but…”

“No!” He growls, “No buts, I love you. You are mine, you have to…”

“Trust you?”

He throws his head back in aggravation from his own plea coming back to bite him on the ass. I get to my feet and wipe my face, I look down at the man I love and will always love and tell him, “I just can’t.”

I slowly start to turn and Ben moves to his knees and lets out a painful cry. “Please, Tess! I love you, you are my life, my forever. Please don’t walk out the door, please don’t give up on me.” His cheeks are spilling with tears and despair.

My knees buckle and I am on the floor with him.

I am at such a great loss on what I need to do, but right now I need to make love to him. Hot, fast, crazy love to him. He needs me to trust him? Well the only place I can trust him fully is with my body… my heart, not as much right now. But I know if I walk out of this room without feeling his body on mine, I will never survive.

“Fuck me,” I tell him.

He shakes his head.

“This is not a time to argue, Ben. I don’t want your fucking speech about how I am not just a fuck. Fuck me. Now.” I know he will not turn me down.

His eyes are dark and heavy, his cheeks still wet from tears. But he puts his hands in his pockets, not on me. “As much as I want to shove my cock in you right now, I’m not going to. I respect you too much for that. You don’t deserve to be a lay. The next time I am in you, you will want me there for love. I know you too well, Tess, better than you probably think and I know you are asking me to fuck you for the last time and I am not going to. This”—he signals with his hand back and forth between us— “is far from over. You will see it eventually and very soon.”

He is confident that I will come back to him. And he is right. If he were to fuck me tonight it would be the last time. I know deep down I would have regretted the fuck. It would have tainted what we have had so far and ultimately that would be devastating. Every time we were intimate it was with love and passion, love before we knew it was love.

He leans in, kisses me on the forehead. He looks back at me for a second and then he is gone.

I hear Erin calling for me.

I give Erin a polite nod and not much more, and keep on walking. She just scrunches her eyebrows at me. What is it with her looks? Even before this bump between me and Tess she has been giving me these strange glances.

I reach the bottom of the stairs just as I reach the last button on my shirt to find Caroline sitting at the kitchen breakfast bar. She has her arms folded on the surface and her head buried into them.

“You okay?” I ask, rubbing my sister’s back.

She slowly lifts her head and nods. She looks exhausted and like she has been crying. “Yeah, just stuff… so I came in here to rest back up. I really need to talk to you Benji…”

“Dance with your big brother first,” I tell her. I’m not asking.

She rolls her eyes, but takes my hand, and I lead her through the aisle of lights back into the tent, where everyone is in full wedding reception swing.

“So, where did you disappear off to?” She asks as we take the dance floor. She looks so grown up here, make-up, fancy dress, heels and she is nearly as tall as me now. I am happy to see her forego that black bob.

I look away from her, but I don’t want to lie to her. “I was talking to Tess.”

She nods, “That’s a good start. I mean I don’t know anything, but when you guys show up separately to a wedding, there is something up. So, what did you do?”

“Always assume it’s me, huh?” I give a little chuckle.

“Always.” She winks at me. “Well for what it’s worth, keep trying, she will come around. You two are meant to be together.”

If she only knew.

“Ben, I really need to talk to you about some stuff…”

I give her a little spin, “Sure, after the wedding?”

She nods.

Just as the song ends, the MC announces the wedding bouquet toss. The single girls make their way to the dance floor. That’s my cue to head back to the bar. I watch as a couple dozen young and a few older women walk, some run to the floor in hopes of catching the damn thing.

I turn to pick up my glass and see Red pulling Tess out on the floor.
What the fuck
? Tess is clearly putting up a good fight, but Red has at least six or seven inches on her. She doesn’t look too pleased; by the time Red has her out in the middle, she has her arms folded over her chest and it looks like she’s muttering something under her breath.

Gwen walks to the crowed of ladies and tells them good luck, then turns and tosses the flower bouquet over her head.

Oh this is rich, really? I can’t help but laugh. The bouquet lands right in Tess’s arms and she looks stunned. He face is getting pink from the attention. She holds it in one hand at her side and storms off to her table. She looks back at Red and sticks her tongue out.

There’s my Punky.

“Can we please go now?” I ask Erin who is still laughing at me for catching the bouquet. Fuck you, fate.

“I suppose so. Do you want to come and stay with me again tonight?”

Grabbing my clutch and finding my footing, I stand and shake my head. “Nah, I think I want to just take a nice long bath and have a glass of wine and read my new book.” I have probably read a book a day since I stopped seeing Ben. Although I wouldn’t say we have broken up. I just need time to think about things, especially the things that have happened tonight.

He seemed so sure of himself when he left. What did he mean that I would see it in time? God, I don’t want to think about it anymore tonight.

When I get home I strip, start a bath, and pour a very large glass of wine. I lose my breath for a second when I look at my coffee maker. Damn him for changing the way I look at coffee. I bet I will think about his hot naked ass making me coffee from now till the day I die.

OK, that’s not a bad visual to undertake while dying.

I climb into the tub and grab my iPad and dive right into my last one-click book. But once the wine starts to hit, I can’t help but run tonight through my head. I see him walking out of the room and Erin finding me sitting motionless on the bed. I tried to explain everything, but I was at such a loss.

I get out of the tub, get into my PJs, and curl up in my bed. I silently cry myself to sleep, thinking about Ben and Nicole, Erin and possibly Jackie… Will his pasts ever stop?

I wake up earlier than what I would have liked. But I decide to take advantage of it. I refuse to be one of those girls, who after a fallout or fight with their significant other, sit around and mope all day.

I think I will grab coffee elsewhere. As I grab my bag I see the envelope that Mrs. Fuller gave me. I totally forgot that she paid me! I tear it open and am relieved to have made a little extra than I did in a month’s time at the coffee shop.

You know what? I am always practical and logical when it comes to money, granted I never had much to be able to splurge. As Avril Lavigne puts it,
“all my life I’ve been good, but now I am thinking what the hell?”

I call Erin!

“Hey Pinky, what’s up?” I am shocked that she is awake already.

“I got paid, let’s go out!”

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes!”

Our first stop is the shopping mall nearest where I live: Westlake Center. Even though I have only a little money to spend I don’t see much clothing that I want to buy. So after a couple of hours of Erin trying to persuade me to load up on expensive clothes, I tell her I want to try the local boutiques.

“It’s freezing to be walking around! That’s why we are here inside.” She whines a little.

“Fine, I will go by myself.” I try the reverse psychology bit on her, and it works.

“At least let me buy a scarf first,” she says and I can’t help but laugh.

A few hours later, I’ve bought a pair of heeled booties and a pair of funky earrings. Then I spot a tattoo and piercing shop on Third Street, near Pike. I stop in front of the window and Erin barely notices and keeps on walking a few feet.

“What are you thinking?” she asks.

“I am thinking a piercing would liven up the earrings I just bought.”

Erin gives me a sly smile and opens the door for me.

The smell of cleaning agents and the sound of a tattoo gun going is oddly calming. I have always wanted to get a few piercings and a tattoo, but I never committed.

A cute blonde girl with red lips, gauged ears and all-over tattoos greets us, “Hey, welcome! What can we do for you today?”

“I would like to get a piercing please.”

“Where were you thinking?”

I immediately point to my nose. “Septum.”

“I knew I liked you.” She gives me a big smile. “Not too many chicks come in wanting their septum done. Belly buttons, tongues and ears generally.”

As soon as I show my Id and fill out some paperwork, the girl yells behind her.

“Tony! You have a badass chick out here waiting to get her septum done.”

Then a young, cute, heavily tattooed guy comes out. He has blackish blue hair and wears hipster glasses. A plaid shirt rolled to his elbows exposes the tattoos on his arms and the ink on his hands. His neck is even tattooed. Damn.

“Tess? Right on.” He steps right in front of me to get a good look at my nose. “You definitely have the face for it.” He winks. Oh my God, is he flirting?

“Take a deep breath in…” He pushes the sharp needle through the thin tissue of my nose. It barely hurt, more like a pinch and it just made my eyes water. He hands me a tissue and slips the jewelry piece in.

He invites me to look at it in the mirror. “I freaking love it!” I announce.

I pay and watch him walk away. He is really cute, but nothing on Ben.

I miss Ben.

I notice Erin looking around at all the photos of the tattoos that the artists have done here in the shop. They are all really impressive. Tony rejoins us and points out his designs.

Then and there, I decide I want a tattoo too.

I hear Avril in my head again, “What the hell? Why not?” I am beaming.

“What do you want to get?”

I think for a moment and I ask him for paper and pen, which he graciously retrieves for me. I sit down and draw up a quick sketch, and hand it over to Tony.

“I can work with this. Give me five minutes to draw something up and I’ll come and get you.”

Moments later, we walk into his tattoo studio, which is bright red and black. He has a metal stand set up with all his sterilized gear. He pulls out the stencil and asks me where I want it. I point to the front part of my thigh above my knee.

Erin now sees the image. “You are probably expecting me to wig out on you,” she says, “but I’m not, because I know this is the right choice for you.”