Project Valentine (A Homespun Romance) (18 page)

"No," said Karl, wondering about the apprehensive look on his office manager's face.
"I just want to go over a few of the patient's charts. I'll lock up when I leave."

He preferred the clinical surroundings of his office these days.
At least here there were no reminders of a woman in an outsize bathrobe, with velvet lips and skin like silk. Of a face, tender, expressive, vulnerable, that haunted his every waking moment. Of eyes that simmered with pain while she accused him of being stubborn and unbending.

He was all that and more.

The emptiness inside had snowballed into a dark heap of despair. He'd thought the strenuous hours he always put in while volunteering in Mexico would fill the blanks in his life. Not so. At odd hours he would think of her smile, the caring, and he would be overcome by the urge to return and tell her he loved her.

He wasn't sure when she had slipped past his guard.
All he knew was she had reached a part of him no other woman had and that he didn't want to let go of her. Only Jessica was like a flower that relied on the warmth of the sun for life. He couldn't bear to risk thinking he might lessen her happiness in any way.

It was also why he hadn't made love to her.
He didn't doubt the force of their desire, or Jessica's willingness. But he couldn't simply take and not give. If he wasn't ready for heart whole commitment he had to protect her from their physical wish for a relationship. Someday she would meet someone else. If he couldn't be her husband, he didn't want to be a regret in her life either.

He heard the outer door open and frowned.
Mrs. Lucas always locked that one before she left. Maybe she'd forgotten something.

He peeped out of his office and his heart did a quantum leap.

"Jessica!
Is something wrong?" He was beside her instantly.

She was holding a hanky to her face.
He caught the words, "..... hurts."

"Your tooth hurts?"

Without waiting for her to say anything, he cupped her elbow, led her into the first treatment room, helped her into the shiny black chair. She hadn't removed the hanky from her face. Her eyes looked at him from behind her glasses, shining with trepidation.

Karl's heart contracted.
He couldn't bear to see her in pain. He picked one hand up. Her pulse was rapid. He touched her forehead. She wasn't running a fever.

"There's nothing to be afraid of Jessica," he said gently.
Just looking at her filled the empty hole in his heart, made him feel wonderful. "How long have you had this pain?"

She removed the hanky.
Karl noted with relief her face wasn't swollen. "Since the first of February."

"That long?
And you didn't tell me about it?" It could be any number of things. "Where does it hurt?"

She put both hands above her left breast.
"Here!"

Karl frowned, "There?"

Jessica nodded mournfully. "Remember the day at the mall?" As if he could ever forget. "That's when it all began. I believe it's caused by loving someone, not being sure if that love is returned."

A variety of expressions flitted across Karl's face.
Carefully he set the tiny mirror he'd picked up down, moved the mechanical drill arm back, touched the button that would return her chair to the upright position.

"If this is your idea of a joke, Jessica," he said stiffly as pain lashed his insides.

She caught his arm. "Karl, look at me. Does it look as if I'm joking? I know you think I'm kind of pushy. I am, about certain things. But even I'm not that pushy that I'll chase a man who isn't interested in me. Look at me and tell me you don't care and I'll leave right away and never bother you again."

Karl looked at her and sighed.
"Life isn't that easy Jessica."

"Who said it was?"
Jessica retorted. "My mother always said everyone is given a blank canvas when they're born. The picture they paint on it is up to them. When we're young others paint pictures for us, but the wonderful thing about the canvas is each one has the ability to paint over the old pictures. As we grow, we have to bear that in mind. There is no limit to the changes we can make, or the help we can ask to make our canvas beautiful. All it takes is strength of purpose."

Karl stayed silent.

"Andy and Jim didn't have it easy either," Jessica swept on, afraid to stop, to let thought take over. "If they hadn't worked at it, strived to build their marriage one step at a time they wouldn't be where they are now. You told me once that beauty doesn't come out of a bottle. Well, neither does happiness. It's a state of mind, an attitude, a strength one cultivates. No one controls your outlook but you. A strong person changes things; a weak one prefers to blame his shortcomings on others. You're not weak Karl. If you'd only use your strength to help yourself."

As usual she was close to tears.
Silence pooled around her and as she calmed down Jessica realized she should never have come. The shame of a personal refusal was going to compound her suffering. She stared at her hands as the tears ran unheeded down her face. A few seconds and she would find the strength to stand up and leave. Right at this moment she was drained.

The silence stretched on and on.

Karl rose to his feet, crossed his arms across his chest, and cleared his throat.

"About that pain you're having...," he began conversationally.

Jessica looked up, not bothering to hide the tears on her face.

"It's a chronic condition," Karl reached down brushed her tears away. "You just have to live with it for the rest of your life."

"Oh?"
Slowly, hope filtered through, encouraged by the gleam in his eyes.

"There will be times when you won't feel it at all, times when it will come back." Serious again, his look warned her he wasn't perfect, that in spite of all his good intentions he might falter.

"Is there anything you can prescribe that would help?"
The words came out with the greatest difficulty.

"Marriage," he said thoughtfully, "marriage..to me."

"Oh Karl!" Laughter and tears competed as she wrapped her arms around him and laid her head against his chest. It felt so good just to be close to him again.

He lifted her face and stared into her eyes, searching for proof of her love.
"Will you have me, Jessica?"

For answer she pulled his head down and pressed her lips to his.
Karl reached behind him and switched the overhead lamp off. The stream of light from his office was enough to see by.

"Sweetheart, we have to talk," he said quite a while later.

Sitting in the patient's chair he pulled her onto his lap and stole another kiss. "I'm still afraid I may hurt you sometimes."

"I may hurt you too," retorted Jessica.
"There aren't rules we can follow for a perfect marriage. We have to make up our own as we go along. But love and communication help."

"I talked to a friend in Mexico this past week.
I told him about the past, how I don't want to hurt you but I can't live without you any longer. Phil is a psychologist and when he heard what I had to say he said the conscious will is a formidable ally. I have to remember that only I'm in control of my life. Not my father, not the past." He devoured Jessica's face, snatched a kiss and said, "Will you keep me in line, Jessica?"

"We'll keep each other in line," she promised lightly, unwilling for him to see how deeply moved she was that he had shown someone else his old wounds.
The fact he'd done it all for her made her feel very humble.

"My father..."

"Your father was one man." said Jessica firmly. "You're another. My father's always been boss in our house. I know I can't be like my mother."

"You mean it won't be `Yes dear and No dear?'"
Karl mocked wickedly. "And I just painted an obedient, submissive wife on my canvas."

"Well, it's a good thing you can paint right over that particular picture," Jessica retorted calmly.

"What should I paint instead?" Karl teased.

"Paint love, and trust, and promises meant to be kept," Jessica said tenderly framing his face in her small hands.
"The rest we'll paint as we live it....one day at a time."

Three weeks later, Karl and Jessica sat on the couch in his family room.
She had spent a week with her family in Oakland finalizing everything for the wedding. Karl had driven up Friday for the weekend. It had been his second visit to her parent's home. A big wedding was planned in two weeks’ time. Neither Karl nor Jessica could wait any longer. Fortunately with everyone pitching in to help, they didn't have to.

Jessica thought of the noisy laughter, the comments that were typical when her family got together.
All weekend there had been someone or other around and Karl had been very quiet on the way back.

"Did you find my family overpowering?"
Maybe he was having qualms about the big wedding.

"Not really," Karl replied.
"I was envying you all the friendship and the laughter, glad I'd be part of your family soon."

"Then why are you so quiet?"
Jessica demanded.

"I'm just very nervous."
Karl confessed.

"Nervous?
Why?" asked Jessica surprised. "They all liked you."

"I thought your parents might think I was too quiet and stuffy for their daughter."

From time to time she caught a glimpse of the cracks of doubt. They were getting smaller though. Jessica knew it would take time to convince Karl completely. She was content to let life and time paint that corner of their canvas.

She flung her arms around his neck.
"As far as I'm concerned you're perfect."

Tenderness softened Karl's face and she saw the love shimmer in his eyes.
"I don't know what I've ever done to deserve someone as nice as you."

"Hush!" Jessica ordered, sealing his lips with hers.
Karl kissed her long and satisfyingly before raising his head to ask. "Did your mother ask if you were sure you wanted to go through with this?"

"No," Jessica nestled against her fiancé’s strong shoulder.
"She said there was a certain something about a woman in love. I have it and she knows I'll be happy. She did ask if I'd told you I can't cook anything except eggs and chili."

"What did you say?"

"I said you could cook and I'd learn." Her laughter was muffled in the soft fabric of his shirt.

"Did you tell her you've decided to quit work?"

"Yes. I told her I've finally found the two things I really want to work at. The first is being a good wife and mother." Jessica watched Karl's face suffuse with tenderness. "The second is working for animal rights. They need champions. Humane shelters need more publicity as well. There are so many people who can benefit from having a pet. Children, older people, those who are lonely. Look at the difference Scrap has made in Mr. Lucas' life." Her face was lit from within as she talked of her dreams.

"You will save enough time for me, won't you?"
Karl asked.

"Just like you will," Jessica's reply surprised him.
"Mrs. Lucas and I have decided you're not going to work late anymore during the week and not at all at the weekends. She's letting all your patients know your new hours. If taking time for yourself worries you, she suggested getting a partner. She told me there's someone you helped through dental school who is very keen on working with you."

She was relieved when he smiled.
"I thought you were against dominance," Karl teased.

"I only said I was against being dominated," his wife-to-be said sweetly, tongue in cheek.
"I never said I was against dominating."

"I'll have to get Reverend Barnes to include something about that in the vows then.
Jessica Sylvia Woods," Karl intoned in fair imitation of the minister he'd met yesterday. "Do you promise only to love and not to dominate this man?"

"I do," she said solemnly, her eyes alight with mischief.
"Except when it's for his own good like working less, taking more time for himself and his family."

Karl groaned.
"It would be just like you to say something like that at the wedding, in front of all the guests. I don't know why people call marriage, `settling down'. There's nothing about you that gives me the feeling that we won't be settling down any in the years to come."

Jessica smiled contentedly.
"I don't think so either but you're going to love every minute of it."

Karl claimed one more kiss.
"I believe that. Are you hungry? I'll fix us something to eat."

"Mom packed some cold turkey for us," Jessica told him.
"Do you want me to make a salad to go with it?"

"I'll do it."
He cupped her face in his large hands. "Jessica are you really happy?"

She sensed the underlying concern in his voice, the sliver of the old fear.
She smiled through the sudden moisture in her eyes. "Happier than I ever thought it was possible to be," she said seriously.