Promise Me Light (26 page)

“Yeah, I slept with a bunch of girls! Shit, if I could take it all
back, I would!” he shouted, taking a step closer. But then his voice
dropped, running along my nerve endings. “I
never
would have touched another girl if I knew I could
have had you. That’s the problem. I don’t want anyone else but maybe
you do.”

“No!” I shook my head, terrified he would believe that. “I
stood with Gavin’s arms around me and wished it was you holding me.
You kissing me! I would have given my life to have you back. I missed
you!”

“Hell, Maddie, I missed you too. I lay on the hard ground at night
and ached for you.” Pain and fury mixed in his eyes and on his face.
“I breathed and I lived because of you. I walked through the woods
alone, without any food or water just to get back to you.”

His voice became hard, all the pain gone. Only rage remained. “Then
I get home. My family is starving, barely hanging on. I find out I’m
adopted and that my real mother was a druggie who didn’t want
me.”

He towered over me like a giant. His next words were harsh, said
through gritted teeth. “Then I find out my brother and the woman I
love were getting it on here at home while I lay dying. You think I
shouldn’t be steaming, fucking mad right now?”

My blood boiled and coldness filled my veins. “Yeah, you have every
right to be mad but Gavin and I weren’t getting it on!” I yelled.
“Dammit, Ryder! Nothing else happened! Why can’t you understand
that?”

Iciness stared back at me, void of all emotion. No love, no hate, no
passion. Nothing.

“And I’m supposed to believe that?” he scoffed, disgusted.
“My parents lied to me for all these years about my birth. Maybe my
best friend is lying to me too.”

I stood up straighter, all the air whooshing out of my lungs.
Realizing I had a firm grasp on his coat, I forced my cold fingers to
let it go.

Sticking my chin up, I stared him in the eyes.
What
was the adage? Never let them see you sweat?
Well, I wasn’t
going to let him see me hurt. I wanted to bawl like a baby. I wanted to
scream like a banshee. I wanted to punch him until he bled. But I stayed
quiet and calm. In the past, he had called me stubborn. He was about to
see just how stubborn I could be.

I took a step back, forcing an invisible wall up between us. His eyes
moved up my body, somehow making me burn. I wanted to grab the back of
his neck and kiss him. His low-riding jeans teased me, looking more
provocative than they had a right to. I wanted to unbuckle them and
reach inside, wrapping my hand around him and show him just how much I
loved every inch of him. But instead, I squeezed my hands into fists at
my sides.
Pretty sad, Maddie. You can’t resist him
even when he hates you?

Taking a much needed breath, I turned and walked away, leaving him
alone. And he let me go. That hurt as much as his earlier words.

Halfway across the dusty barn floor, I stopped, a question popping
into my mind. Turning on the ball of my foot, I faced him again. His
gaze stayed on me, watching me with a closed off expression.

“Where is he?” I asked.

Ryder scoffed and looked away, shaking his head with disgust. It hurt
to see him act like this but Ryder wasn’t a saint. I had known that my
whole life. He could be a cold-hearted bastard but I knew it was just a
front to protect himself. A way to hide his emotions from everyone
else.

“I left him in the pasture, out cold. He’s lucky I didn’t shoot
him and leave him to rot,” Ryder said.

Terror flooded my body.
Gavin was out there alone?
Lying on the ground somewhere hurt?
Without thinking twice, I ran
to one of the stalls.

“What are you doing?” Ryder asked, watching as I pulled a saddle
blanket off of the top of a stall. Dust swirled around me, making my
nose itch as the blanket fell in the hay at my feet.

I didn’t answer him, reaching for the saddle sitting on the stall
instead. Placing both hands on the leather, I jerked but the saddle
didn’t budge.

“Jesus, Maddie, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Ryder
asked, taking long strides across the barn floor, stopping only when he
was beside me.

I refused to look at him, tugging at the saddle instead. This time,
it started to fall. The weight of it almost knocked me over but Ryder
caught it easily.

“Dammit, Maddie, you’re gonna hurt yourself,” he muttered,
lowering the saddle to the ground. “You’re pregnant. You can’t
lift heavy things, remember?”

I wanted to say, ‘
I’m a grown woman and don’t
need you telling me what I can and can’t do
,’ but I kept my
mouth shut. It was a hard thing for me to do.

Leaning over, I tried lifting the saddle, anything to keep my mind on
the task at hand and not on Ryder’s large body standing over me. But I
gave up and left the saddle on the ground when it became apparent that
it was too heavy for me to lift.

Instead, I grabbed some reins and the bridle hanging on a nail
nearby. Without glancing at Ryder, I picked up the saddle blanket and
walked away, leaving the saddle behind.
I don’t need
it. I could do without a piece of leather. Or Ryder.

“You’re not going out there after him,” Ryder said, following
me across the barn.

“Try to stop me,” I ground out through gritted teeth, my focus on
the metal doors ahead.

“Don’t tempt me, Maddie. I don’t want an excuse to touch
you.”

His words hurt, but I pushed the pain away.

Flinging open the barn door, a cold wind hit me, chilling my face and
bringing snowflakes swirling around my feet. Ignoring the cold, I
stepped out of the barn. My arms were full of reins that dangled behind
me and the scratchy horse blanket chafed my skin, but I didn’t mind; I
kept going.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Eva and Brody standing on the
porch, watching us. I knew that Eva was mad, itching to wrap her hands
around Ryder’s neck.
Join the club.

Cash was striding toward us with purpose, his hips rolling casually
with each step. His gait was relaxed but I knew he would be ready to
fight at a moment’s notice. The ever-present cowboy hat was on his
head, hiding his eyes from the world. A rifle was gripped in his right
hand, a hand that could swing the gun up and fire within seconds. But I
knew that wasn’t the only weapon he carried. The man was a walking
army, capable of taking out a man with hardly a sound.

Ignoring both Cash and Ryder, I hurried to the edge of the barn. A
few yards away was the pasture. Three horses stood next to the water
trough, watching us with interest. I headed their way, not paying
attention to Ryder or the cold wind that made me shiver.

“Maddie,” Ryder said, saying my name like that’s all he had to
do to stop me.
Well, not this time.

At the gate I slipped the lock off and hung it on the barbwire fence.
The horses watched me approach, flicking their ears back and forth.
Pushing past the other horses, I approached my quarter horse. She tossed
her head, her big brown eyes staring at me with untamed wildness.

“Hey, girl,” I said, reaching out and letting her smell my cold
fingers.

“Maddie, I swear if you ride off after him…”

I threw the horse blanket on the horse’s back and glanced over my
shoulder at Ryder.

“You’ll what? Get mad at me?” I asked with indifference.
“I’m going after him, Ryder. He’s your brother and he’s my
friend. Don’t try to stop me because you can’t.”

Cash stopped a few feet from us, watching Ryder warily. “Everything
okay, Maddie?” he asked.

My eyes darted down to the gun in his hand as snowflakes started
falling around us.

I heard Ryder shift behind me, ready to strike if Cash overstepped
some dumb, stupid boundary. It just irritated me more.

“Maddie, what’s going on?” Cash asked again.

“Ryder knocked Gavin out cold and left him somewhere out there,”
I answered, nodding toward the pasture as I slipped the bridle over my
horse’s head. “Someone needs to go get him. Might as well be me
since we’re so close. You know, since my lips have done all kinds of
things to him.”

Okay, I shouldn’t have said last part but I just
couldn’t resist.
I was so blistering mad that I just wanted to
scream. And I wasn’t the only one.

Ryder exploded. His face turned red and his hand grabbed my arm,
spinning me around.

“I swear, Maddie, I’m close to strangling you,” he forced out
between clenched teeth.

We both ignored Cash as he took a step closer, always the
bodyguard.

“Go ahead,” I hissed at Ryder, out of my head with anger and
hurt. “You almost did once. You wrapped your hands around my neck and
slowly started to squeeze. I dare you to touch me again.”

He stared at me, stunned by my words. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me
but I just had to push him. He just drove me too insane not to.

Reaching out, I grabbed his hand and put it on my neck, forcing his
fingers around me. They felt warm against my skin. Familiar. I wanted
his hands everywhere on me but I pushed the craving away. I didn’t
want to feel it again. I wanted to feel fury, not the desire that
consumed me morning and night.

“Go ahead, Ryder. Squeeze. Prove to me how much you hate me right
now,” I said, my eyes drilling into his.

He swallowed hard, his throat working. His fingers ran over my skin
lightly, his eyes watching the movement. His thumb brushed beneath the
top of my shirt then disappeared underneath the collar of my jacket.

I sucked in a breath, pulling cold air into my lungs when his thumb
moved over my collarbone.

“You really think I could do that? Hurt you?” he asked, low
enough that only I could hear him.

“You’ve already hurt me once today by not believing me. Why not
twist the knife some more?” I said, trying not to fall apart as his
hand moved to the back of my neck.

I saw a crack, a tiny glimmer of feeling in his eyes. Then it
disappeared, covered up by a withdrawn expression. That’s when I knew
I had lost him to the anger.

“Let me go, Ryder,” I whispered.

“I’ll go with her,” Cash interjected from beside us.

Ryder tightened his hand on the back of my neck, drawing me closer. I
let him, thinking he was going to wrap his arms around me and say he was
sorry. Or beg for my forgiveness. I should have known better. This was
Ryder.

“Go. Run to him,” he snarled, his words soft but the threat
behind them real. “But you’ll always be mine, Maddie.”

Slowly, his hands left me. He was letting me go but I knew I would
never be free of him.

I never wanted to be.

We found Gavin a half-mile from the house, near the creek that ran
along the ranch.

Over the sound of the wind, I could hear the water and knew that
nearby was an area where water swirled and bubbled over large rocks.
Ryder and I had played there as children. Once or twice Gavin had joined
us as we swam or tried to catch minnows in the clear water. Many days I
had sat on the sandy bank, watching and laughing as Gavin and Ryder
competed on who could catch the most minnows. They were fierce
competitors, then and now. Except now, they were competing for something
else. But I already knew who the winner was and would always be.

Gavin had a boot in the stirrup and was about to mount his horse when
he saw Cash and I riding toward him.

I beat Cash, my horse galloping closer to Gavin in the shaded area he
stood beneath. As soon as my horse stopped, I slid from the saddle, my
gaze on Gavin. Crossing the freezing ground, I walked through the
thigh-high weeds that surrounded me.

“Hell, Maddie, what are you doing out here?” Gavin asked, his
eyes sweeping over my body.

I’m cold but I’m here to save your butt,
I
almost said.

He watched me warily as I walked over to him. His nose was bleeding
and the skin around his eye was broken, leaving behind a nasty looking
bruise thanks to Ryder.

“Ryder said he left you out here, unconscious. You okay?” I
asked.

He wiped his nose on the back of his hand then glanced down at the
blood left behind.

“Yeah. I deserved every hit he got in,” he muttered, touching the
corner of his eye. “Probably deserved a hell of a lot more.”

I grimaced. His quickly swelling eye looked painful.

“So how pissed was he?” he asked.

“Pissed doesn’t begin to describe it. I’m surprised you’re
still in one piece,” Cash answered, leaning forward in the saddle.
“Can’t say I blame him for kicking your ass. I would’ve done the
same.”

Gavin snorted and walked past me, leading his horse over to mine.

“I want to kick my own ass,” he muttered. “I’m sorry but I
had to tell him, Maddie. It was eating me up inside. Every time I looked
at him, I felt guilty as hell.”

I frowned, remembering Ryder’s words to me. “I told him that it
meant nothing but he’s mad. Furious.”

Gavin peered down at me. The wind picked up pieces of his dark hair -
hair much darker than Ryder’s. They did look like brothers but there
were some tiny differences between them. Besides the dark personality
that Ryder had and Gavin didn’t, Gavin was slimmer than Ryder. He had
more of a runner’s body, leaner but still muscular. Ryder had more of
a fighter’s body, solid and cut from stone, ready to take someone out.
Just like he had done to Gavin.

“How are you holding up?” Gavin asked me.

Staring off into the distance, I shrugged. I was upset but more than
anything I was angry. I wanted to hit someone or something. Namely,
someone tall that infuriated me like no one else.

“Sorry about all of this, Maddie. I just hope he realizes what
he’s got and doesn’t throw it away. If he does, I’ll kick his ass
from here to next Sunday,” Gavin said. “For you.”