Promise Me Light (35 page)

“I’m not sure I can do normal with you but I’m willing to try.
Nothing like two best friends with a shitload of lust for each other,”
he snarled, picking up the bottle of Vodka. Unscrewing the top, he kept
his eyes on me as he brought it to his lips.

I watched as he swallowed the last of the alcohol, looking so sexy
that I wanted to kick myself for noticing it.

“Oh, don’t forget about the love part,” he said, slamming the
empty bottle back on the table. “Because I love you more than
fuckin’ life itself but if you want to do normal, I’ll do
normal.”

He slung the duffle bag on his shoulder. After blowing out the
candle, he stalked toward me. When he got close enough, he grabbed my
upper arm and hauled me across the room.

“Ryder, you have such a way with words,” I said sarcastically,
not fighting as he led me toward the door.

“You haven’t seen everything I can do with my mouth yet,
Maddie.”

I stopped, my own mouth hanging open. When the corner of his mouth
lifted in a half grin that didn’t quite match the coldness in his
eyes, I snapped my mouth shut. Irritation erupted in me.

“You know you’re a huge ass,” I said, wanting to hate him but
knowing I never could. Calling him names was the next best thing. “I
don’t want normal – I want you. But I really want to punch you in
the face right now. I’m pregnant and I’m a mess of emotions and I
really
just want to hurt you.”

“I know you do, baby,” he mumbled. “And you can if it will make
you feel better. That’s what I’m here for.”

Opening the back door, he started to pull me outside but ice-cold air
hit us, almost knocking me over. Surprised, my eyes sweep over the yard.
Moonlight touched on the big snowflakes falling quietly to earth. A
light dusting of snow covered the ground, coating everything with
whiteness.

“Shit!” Ryder swore, blocking me from the wind with his body. But
the cold still found a way in, wrapping around me and running through my
thin coat and down my flannel shirt.

Ryder turned and led me back into the house, shutting the door behind
him.

“Change of plans,” he answered, letting go of my arm and walking
to the table. Putting the duffle bag on the wooden surface, he dug into
his jean pocket. A second later, another match flared to life. He lit
the candle again, casting the room in a yellow glow.

“What are we going to do?” I asked.

“We’re staying here tonight,” he said, not looking too happy
about it. Reaching into the duffle bag, he pulled out a pistol. Pulling
back the slide, he checked the chamber to see if it was loaded.

“It’s too cold and I’m not dragging you out in it.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“I’m not asking,” he said. Laying the gun on the table, he
finally met my eyes. “I’m going to go find your horse and put her in
the barn with mine.”

He reached into the duffle bag and withdrew a ball cap. It was one of
the ball caps I had bought him the first year I was in college. My heart
went pitter-patter, knowing he kept it all this time.

Putting it on, he pulled the brim low, hiding his eyes from me.

“But everyone will be looking for me,” I said. “I need to go
back. The only one who knew where I was going is Eva and I swore her to
secrecy but when she finds out I’m alone in this weather, she’ll
freak.”

He looked at me, his face void of all emotion. He was too good at
that.

“They all know where you are. Don’t worry about it,” he
said.

I drew my eyebrows together, confused. “What? How?”

Ryder let out a sigh. “Because Cash followed you here. I saw
him.”

His words hit me like a bucket of cold water. Not the fact that Cash
followed me - that seemed to be a given with him. It was just scary to
think that I had been followed without knowing it. If it had been a
stranger following me, I might be lying hurt or dead somewhere.

A feeling of unease crept over me at the thought. Terror came back,
threatening to pull me under again.

“I’ll be back in a second,” Ryder said, walking past me.
Leaving me with a growing sense of panic.

The sound of him walking away left me frigid. I started shaking.
First my hands, then my legs.
I hate being weak! Snap
out of it,
I told myself. But I was almost raped in this house.
No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t let go of my fear.

I massaged my temples with a shaking hand, trying to concentrate on
my breathing. It was useless. I started hyperventilating, unable to
catch my breath. Panic was setting in.

I never heard Ryder walk back to me. One second I was alone,
listening as he walked away. The next, he was beside me again, his
warmth surrounding me.

He tilted my chin up, forcing me to focus on him.

“Look at me, Maddie.”

I met his eyes beneath the brim of his hat. The harshness in them was
still there but just around the edges I saw concern, worry. For me.

“Breathe,” he whispered, his raspy voice wrapping around me.

I took a deep breath through my nose.

“Again,” he said.

I took another breath, focusing on his face. A sense of calm washed
over me. The rapid rise and fall of my chest slowed down as my heart
rate returned to normal.

“Better?”

I nodded, feeling the panic dissipate.

He ran his thumb over my lower lip, his eyes following the
movement.

“They’re just memories, Maddie. They can’t hurt you. Replace
them with the memory of what we just did. How I held you against the
wall, your legs wrapped around me.” He stepped closer, his warm
fingers moving to cup the back of my neck. “How I told you I loved you
more than fucking anything else in this world. Those are the memories I
want you to remember.”

Studying me a second longer, he turned and walked out of the kitchen,
leaving me alone in a house full of memories.

New memories.

I stood in the living room, looking at the pile of blankets and
pillows on top of the couch. Ryder had slept here for the last few days.
Hiding from me. Thinking I didn’t want him around.

With swift movements, I built a fire in the fireplace using sticks
and broken branches he had brought in at some point. After a few
minutes, flames leaped to life. I poked at the growing fire, watching as
sparks rose and disappeared into the chimney.

Glancing into the dark corners of the room, I pulled a blanket
tighter around my shoulders. Sitting on the floor, I gripped the
fireplace poker tighter. I might have new memories of this house but the
old ones still lingered.

I was still staring into the fire when the back door flew open,
making me jump. I let out a sigh of relief, the tension in my body
disappearing as quickly as it appeared.
Ryder’s
back.
Seconds later, I heard footsteps walking toward me.

“She’s in the barn.”

I glanced up to find Ryder standing above me. His nose and cheeks
were red and his ball cap was gone. He stared at the fire a second,
watching as the flames danced and leaped. When my stomach growled
loudly, he turned his attention to me. Firelight reflected in his eyes
as they moved down my body.

“When was the last time you ate?” he asked.

I shrugged, trying to remember what it was like to eat a real meal. A
meal that contained all the essential food groups.

“Breakfast?” I answered.

“Shit, Maddie,” he muttered under his breath. Without another
word, he turned and walked back to the kitchen. I heard him moving
around, his boots heavy against the linoleum floor.

A few minutes later, he came back, this time carrying two cans, a
pan, and a stainless steel container of water. Sitting next to the
fireplace, he placed the pan near the flames. Opening the first can with
a pocketknife, he emptied Spam into the pan and cut it into small
pieces. Next, he opened a can of potatoes and emptied it into the pan.
Sitting back on his heels, he watched the food heat up.

The flames danced over his face, highlighting his profile. The
muscles of his shoulders bulged as he leaned over to stir the makeshift
meal. Beneath his shirt I could see the outline of his biceps, the same
muscles that had held me pressed against the wall.

He glanced over at me, catching me staring at him. Setting the
pocketknife down, he faced me.

“I want you to know that I never left you, Maddie. I stayed close,
keeping an eye on you. Everyone knew where I was. Just not you.”

“Everyone knew?” I asked, stunned.

Ryder nodded, watching me closely.

“Gavin?”

Ryder looked back at the fire. “He found me right after I left.
Hell, he knew where I would be. It’s where I always went when I was
pissed - your house. We exchanged words and a few threats. He told me
why he kissed you. I explained what I would do if he tried again.”

“Did Eva know where you were?”

“Yeah. I told her before I left.”

Okay, that hurt.
Eva always told me
everything. No secrets - that was our rule.

“She told me she didn’t know,” I said, drawing my eyebrows
together. “She was really pissed at you.”

He scoffed. “She was spitting mad. I threatened her within an inch
of her life if she told you. Brody was about ready to gag her to keep
her quiet.”

“That explains why they were fighting,” I said. No one threatened
to gag Eva. That was the biggest mistake ever. It became clearer why
nobody had been concerned about Ryder’s whereabouts. They knew from
the beginning where he was.
But why didn’t they tell
me?

“Here. Eat,” Ryder said, placing the pan on the floor in front of
me.

I glanced down at the food and suddenly didn’t have an
appetite.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?” I asked, ignoring the food in
front of me.

“Leave it alone, Maddie,” he mumbled. “Eat.”

When he shut me down like that, it just made me furious. I picked up
a fork and stabbed at a piece of Spam. I chewed it a few times before
forcing the food down my throat, feeling as if I was eating lead. But
somehow I managed to eat half of the meal. Maybe because I was so
blooming mad that I didn’t think about what I was doing.

Pushing the pan away, I scooted closer to him, wanting to get as
close as possible so I could slap him. Or punch him. Either would
work.

“Why did you leave, Ryder? I know I told you to but it was just my
emotions talking. I never expected you to go. Why did you?” I
whispered, staring at him as he watched the fire, his arms dangling
between his knees.

He stayed quiet, just staring straight ahead. When it became obvious
that he wasn’t going to talk to me, I started to get up but he stopped
me, reaching out and grabbing my wrist.

Tugging me to him, he pulled me into his lap. I went willingly,
wrapping my legs around him. He ran his hands up my thighs, stopping at
my hips.

“Because I had to,” he said in a hoarse voice.

I saw him swallow hard. His eyes looked deep into mine. This time he
didn’t try to hide his emotions. They were all there, laid out for me
to see.

“You should hate me, Maddie, for everything. Every time I called
you, drunk off my ass. Every bruise or bloody nose you had to doctor.
You should hate me for every woman I tried to replace you with. I regret
all of it.”

His hands left my hips to cradle my face, turning my face up to
his.

“I’m not good enough for you. I never have been. My leaving
proves it. I take after my real mom, just a lost cause. I was just so
fucking jealous because Gavin is so goddamn perfect and you are…” He
took a deep breath. “You’re my life and I don’t want to lose you.
I’m afraid that one day you will wake up and realize what a piece of
shit I am.”

“Ryder, you’re not a piece of shit…”

He shook his head, interrupting me. “When I found out Gavin kissed
you, I saw red. I exploded. I wanted to tear him to pieces. You were
mine, Maddie.
Mine
,” he said, his eyes burning.
“That feeling scared the shit out of me. I didn’t want to hurt
anyone. I just wanted you.”

“I’m still yours, Ryder.”

“I know. Hell, I know,” he whispered, running a hand down to my
stomach, touching my roundness. “I never should have left but
there’s more to it than that.”

“Then tell me.”

“These damn nightmares won’t go away. I wake up at night
sweating, unable to catch my breath. I see men whipping me till I bleed.
I dream that I’m dying and trying to get to you but I never do,” he
said, his last words a whisper. “I can’t reach you or our baby. I
see you. I hear you, but then they shoot me and I die.”

His words sent pain rushing through me. I wrapped my arms around his
neck, pulling him closer.

Another woman might have walked away from Ryder. They might have
given up on him long ago. But I wasn’t one of those women and Ryder
wasn’t any man. He was the man that had been beside me all along,
sitting back and letting me live my life while he watched from the
sidelines. He was rough around the edges. A man that would rather cuss a
blue streak than give a compliment. A man that threw a punch and asked
questions later. He didn’t love easily but when he did, he did it with
everything he had.

His hands ran over my back, tangling in my long hair. His eyes bore
into mine, looking nowhere else.

“When Gavin said he kissed you, everything just came crashing down.
Then when you wrapped my hand around your neck…” He scrubbed a hand
over his face and shook his head in disgust. “I had to leave. I
didn’t want to hurt you or the baby. I knew if I did, I would die. So
I came here and got stinking drunk on some old liquor your dad had. I
sat in this house and called myself a fool. I cursed myself for wanting
to return to you. The last thing you needed was me being around you.
Hurting you. Making you cry.”

“Ryder, you won’t hurt me. I trust you. We’ve always been there
for each other. Let me be here for you now.” I leaned over, kissing
the corner of his mouth. “I love you,” I said. “Don’t push me
away.”