Promise Me Light (32 page)

Throwing my jeans down, I reached Ryder before he could unlock the
bathroom door. Without thinking twice, I shoved him, pushing his wide
shoulder.

He whirled around, surprised. “What?” he hissed in a mock
whisper.

“How dare you! You can’t talk to me that way!”

“I just did,” he taunted. “I’m just proving I’m not good
enough for you. Didn’t you hear them? I’m a ticking time bomb,
Maddie. Tick, tock.”

I shoved him again but he didn’t budge. I tried shoving him a third
time but he didn’t move.

My pregnancy hormones were playing racket ball with my emotions. I
wanted to break down and cry but I also wanted to give Ryder a bloody
nose. I couldn’t control myself. Even my words were spontaneous bursts
of nonsense.

“Gavin’s right! You’re an asshole!”

The expression on Ryder’s face almost made me want to apologize
right away but then his expression hardened.

“Yeah, I am. You should stay away from me,”

With one more look at me, he reached for the door handle again.

I felt both fright at the thought of him walking out and fury that he
would do it.

“Okay, I will! LEAVE!” I lashed out, losing all control. “Get
the hell away from me!”

“That’s easy because I’m already gone.”

I watched in a haze of heartache as he walked out of the bathroom,
not looking back.

The door shut quietly behind him.

Closing the door on us.

I emerged from the bathroom with red-rimmed eyes and a hardened
heart. Determined to have it out with him once and for all.
Who cares if the pregnancy had my emotions all over the place?
He couldn’t talk to me that way!

The hand-cranked flashlight cast a soft glow over the hallway, thanks
to the allotted eight minutes of cranking. I focused the light on the
floor in front of me, heading for the bedroom. The words that I would
say to Ryder replayed in my head; I know you’re hurting. You’ve been
through a lot. But you’ve got to let me in.

I was still rehearsing what I was going to say when shouts of
frustration interrupted my thoughts. I rushed toward the sounds of
arguing. In the living room I found Eva and Brody, facing off like they
were about to go a round in a cage fight.

“I hate you!” Eva screamed, pointing at him.

My eyes grew wide, never expecting to hear those words from her.

“Yeah? So what else is new?” Brody yelled. “You’re always
freakin’ mad at me!”

“What’s going on, Eva?” I asked, stepping further into the
room.

“I’m so sorry, Maddie,” she babbled, her blonde hair swinging
gently around her shoulders. “I tried to stop him but Brody let him
go. He practically pushed him out the door.”

My heart started hammering, her words not making sense. I was afraid
to ask but I had to know.

“What are you talking about?”

“Ryder. He left,” she said, twisting the ends of her hair
nervously. “He packed a bag and walked right out the door. I tried
stopping him but he was determined to leave.”

Her words slammed into me, knocking all the breath out of my lungs.
The blood left my face, pooling in my cold, numb feet.

“Where did he go?” Gavin asked, appearing behind me.

“He wouldn’t say,” Brody answered, letting out a frustrated
breath. “He only said to take care of Maddie. From the look on his
face, I thought it best to leave him alone.”

“Hell,” Gavin muttered under his breath. “I hope he’s out
digging his own grave because I’m gonna kill him.”

Grabbing a shotgun that was leaning against the wall, he headed for
the front door. A second later, it slammed shut behind him.

I couldn’t move. My eyes found Eva, my tears making it difficult to
see her clearly.

She took a hesitant step toward me. “I’m so sorry, Maddie. He’s
a god-awful jerk.”

I didn’t listen. I couldn’t. On stiff legs, I walked out of the
room, ignoring Eva. Ignoring the cold that washed over me. Ignoring the
hurt in my head, the pounding of blood in my ears. Ignoring everything
but the pain.

I stood in the middle of his bedroom, hurt clawing at my insides.
When I saw the empty hangers in the closet, I knew it was real. Ryder
was gone.

Four days. Ninety-Six hours. That is the amount of time Ryder stayed
gone. Too long.

Each minute led me closer to a sense of loss that I refused to
acknowledge. Darkness hovered just around the corner, threatening to
sneak up on me and steal what little light I had left. I felt guilty for
telling him to leave. I clung to hope that he would return. Not the
angry man that left but the best friend I couldn’t live without.

But maybe Ryder and I had been wrong. Maybe best friends weren’t
supposed to be in love. He had said in the beginning that it was a
mistake. That he never would love anyone. Maybe, just maybe, he was
right.

Gavin went looking for him but came back empty-handed. I grew
terrified that Ryder was in trouble, returning to town to take his anger
out on the men who had tortured him. But Gavin told me not to worry,
that Ryder would never leave me. I wasn’t so sure about that.

By the fourth day, I had to get away.

It was close to dusk when I saddled my horse and took off. A few
snowflakes were falling, the wind was blowing, and the temperature was
dropping, but I had to leave. I hadn’t been to my dad’s grave since
the day I found Ryder. I needed to talk to him. I needed to sit at his
grave and cry.

Beneath the large oak tree, I slid from the saddle and let the reins
fall to the ground. I took a deep breath and looked at the sunset, so
beautiful despite the bitter cold. Oranges and reds marked the sky,
looking like a painting instead of a simple sky. It always amazed me
that something so beautiful could exist when the world had turned into
such an ugly place.

Feeling a great sense of sadness, I dropped to my knees at the foot
of my dad’s grave. My stomach rumbled painfully, reminding me that I
had not eaten since breakfast. Eva and I had split a can of pears but it
hadn’t been enough. Dinner would probably be something the men caught
or killed. I felt despair at the thought. I wanted a meal not cooked
over open flames. A meal that didn’t taste like wood or smoke or wild
game. But then I reminded myself that we were lucky. We had shelter and
a small amount of food. That was more than most people could say.

Months ago, we exchanged money for a grocery bag of food. A tank of
gas. An article of clothing. Those days were gone. People were starving,
wasting away until the only thing they could look forward to was death.
I heard on the shortwave radio just the other day that if you weren’t
hungry and cold, you weren’t living in America.

It was our world now. Our reality.

Sniffing, I wrapped the large coat I wore tighter around me. With a
gloved hand I brushed the dead leaves away from my dad’s makeshift
wooden headstone. The wind whipped my hair across my face, stinging my
eyes when the strands caught in my eyelashes. I ignored the wind and
huddled deeper into my coat.

“It’s over, Dad.” I whispered, looking down at the frozen
ground beneath me. “Me and Ryder. I think it’s truly over. He’s
gone and I don’t know what to do.”

Saying the words aloud hurt. I tried so hard not to cry. I had shed
so many tears in the last few months that the last thing I wanted was to
ever cry again. But the tears fell anyway, cold and wet on my frozen
cheeks. I left them unchecked, refusing to brush them away. They
reminded me of what I had lost. What I didn’t have. What I would never
have again. I cried for my dad. I cried for my baby, hoping he or she
would survive this hard, violent world. I cried for the United States,
the war, and all the people lost in it.

I cried for Ryder.

Sitting back on my heels, I placed a hand on my stomach when the baby
kicked. That’s when I heard it. The sound of heavy boots crunching on
frozen grass behind me. My hopelessness disappeared. I was alone, in the
middle of nowhere. I had to pull it together.

My hand slowly reached beneath my coat, wrapping around the cold
metal of the pistol I carried.
I can do this! I can do
this!
The words rattled around inside my head, paralyzing me.

Feeling my heart race, I waited until I heard the man stop behind me.
Knowing I had to protect myself and my unborn baby, I whipped the gun
out from under my jacket and whirled around, aiming at the stranger.

But it wasn’t a stranger. It was Ryder, standing a foot away with a
dark expression on his face. The collar of his jacket was turned up,
protecting him from the cold and hiding his lower jaw. A ball cap was
pulled down low, hiding his eyes and making him look more like a college
kid than a man living in a world gone mad. But to me, he had never
looked so good before.

I lowered the gun, my hands suddenly shaking.

“What are you doing out here alone?” he asked.

I shrugged, afraid to say anything else. If I opened my mouth, I
might yell at him. I might sob and cry. I might make a fool of
myself.

“Hell, Maddie, what is Gavin thinking letting you ride off by
yourself?” he muttered, looking off into the distance.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head in disbelief.
He
still thought there was something between me and Gavin?
Really?

I sniffed and wiped a stray tear away. His eyes snapped back to me,
watching as another tear escaped down my cheek.

My heart was beating a mile a minute, making the simple task of
thinking hard to do. I pushed myself to my feet ungracefully, still
getting accustomed to my growing middle. Ryder took a step forward, his
hand outstretched to help me but then he stopped, dropping his hand
away. That damn wall was back up, wiping every emotion from his
face.

“So this is where you’ve been hiding?” I asked, ignoring the
wind blowing my hair into my eyes.

His gaze ran over me slowly. “Yeah. I needed time,” he
answered.

I nodded, hurt filling me. But then I just got angry.

“You needed time? Fine, I’ll give you all the time you want,” I
muttered, walking past him. The sleeve of my jacket brushed against his,
the friction waking my body up like it always did when we around each
other.

I was almost to my horse when he reached out, grabbing my arm.

“There’s only one thing I want, Maddie,” he said, his eyes on
me.

“And what is that?” I asked, feeling butterflies flutter around
in my stomach, just like his words wrapping around me.

“Come in the house and talk to me,” he answered. “Tell me
you’re okay. That the baby’s okay.”

I shook my head. “I can’t go back in there. I haven’t been back
in that house since…the men…” My voice wobbled as I glanced at the
house.

“They’re just memories, Maddie. I’ve been running from them for
the last few days. Hell, I’ve been running from them for years.”

He’s not talking about the torture he went through.
He’s talking about me. I’m just a memory now. One that he’s been
wanting to run from for years.

“Am I one of those memories?” I asked.

He didn’t say anything. It was all the answer I needed.

I turned to my horse, grabbing the reins. Forcing Ryder’s hand to
let go of me.

“That’s it? You’re leaving?” he asked.

I looked back at him, seeing coldness in his eyes that made me
flinch. When I didn’t answer, he muttered a few choice words, pulling
the brim of his hat down lower.

“Fine. Go back to Gavin. See if I fucking care,” he snarled,
turning away. With long strides, he crossed the field, fighting the wind
as he headed toward the house.

He didn’t care? Fine! Neither did I!

I gathered the reins in one shaky hand and put my foot in the
stirrups. I was about to pull myself into the saddle when the grave
caught my eye.

My dad’s words floated back to me from the day he died. Words that
I would remember for the rest of my life;
‘Ryder loves
you. He told me.’

How many times had my dad said that Ryder would take care of me? That
we had a special bond no one could tear apart? He once said that men hid
their feelings behind strong muscles and few words, something Ryder did
extremely well. He swore Ryder needed me as much as I needed him. My dad
believed that until the day he died but I wasn’t sure I did.

As I stood in the middle of the field, the images of the past rushed
back. Me and Ryder as kids, playing house in the barn. Swimming in
creeks. Riding horses in the summer. Sharing secrets and dreams.

The times I called him crying, saying I hated college and missed
home. Listening as he told me I could do it, that I was the smartest
person he knew. Telling me how much he missed me but would see me on
summer break. The times he made me laugh, forcing me to smile when all I
wanted to do was cry. The nights he made me angry, finding him drunk and
bruised, broken and at the bottom of a bottle.

Through it all, we stuck together. He never frightened me away. I
never grew tried of him. But now, our love was tearing us apart. Taking
our friendship and shoving it into the dirt, trying to crush us.

I glanced at the house. Suddenly, I knew - I couldn’t give up on
us, even if he wanted to.

Pulling my foot from the stirrup, I left my horse and started across
the field. Each step brought me closer to home. Closer to him. Closer to
where I belonged.

The wind swirled, whipping the tall brown grass against my jeans.
Pulling the hood of my jacket down further, I watched as Ryder threw the
door open, letting it slam shut behind him.

I crossed the front yard, the yard where my father had died. The
place where he took his last breath and left me. Tears threatened but I
pushed them away.
I had to do this. I had to be
strong.