Aunt Betty shook her head. “That’s something you’ll have to ask her. I actually don’t know that part. All she had said was that something had caused her to change her mind and she decided not to tell you. But she wouldn’t tell me what had changed her mind.”
I frowned, dissatisfied with that answer. It wasn’t enough for me.
As if reading my mind, Aunt Betty continued. “Just think about it, Jackson. You’ve known her since she was seven. Do you really believe it’s like her to keep something like this from you without an understandable reason? Do you really believe she’s the type of person who would intentionally hurt her best friend, the boy she’s loved since she was seven?”
Her last words took me by surprise. “She didn’t love me then. She never told me.”
Aunt Betty gave a light chuckle and shook her head. “Jackson, I know you’ve loved Chloe for as long as she’s loved you. Have you once told her?”
I didn’t answer her, but her words stayed with me. As much as I wanted to remain angry with Chloe, I felt the solid fortress of hatred I’d built around my heart for her begin to crack and crumble.
To my surprise, there was also another emotion I’d been feeling that I hadn’t expected: relief. Maybe it would have been more natural for me to be upset knowing now that Chloe had been an escort and had slept with men—including my father—for money. But surprisingly, I was more relieved than upset about this. After what had happened, I’d always thought that I’d been played a fool, that I’d been lied to, that her feelings for me had all been a farce. I thought that Chloe wasn’t the person I’d thought she was. I thought I didn’t know her at all.
But now I wondered if I’d been wrong all along. It was then that it hit me. Since that night nine years ago, I had selfishly built this hatred for her based solely on my own emotions and how she’d hurt me. I’d judged her like a total stranger would have passed judgment on her. I’d somehow discounted the previous fourteen years I’d known her, the fourteen years she’d been my best friend, the previous fourteen years I’d loved her. I’d always thought she’d slept with my father because she didn’t have the same feelings I’d had for her, and that rejection had blinded me. I’d made assumptions about her reasons for sleeping with my father without ever once wondering if that was the Chloe I’d known, without ever once giving her a chance to explain her side of the story. In the last nine years I’d hated her, I’d never once wondered if she had a good reason for what she’d done, if her reasons had nothing to do with me and how much she’d hurt me. Instead, I’d only hated her and that hatred bled through every fiber of my being and every part of me that loved her.
When I left the hospital half an hour later, I was riddled with guilt as I let my conversation with Aunt Betty sink in. My mind went back to everything that’d happened in the year leading up to that night I’d made love to Chloe. I remembered Chloe going through some problems after the accident, but I was too involved with my fraternity and college to really pay attention or be there for her. I knew I’d upset her several times, especially the time she’d come to visit me unannounced. But at the time, I didn’t think anything of it. Had she tried to tell me, but I’d been too involved with my own life to know? Had she been going through a tough time and I hadn’t been there for her?
Aunt Betty was right. She’d been my best friend and I’d known her better than anyone else had. I’d used that night as the reason to convince myself that I hadn’t known her at all. But if I’d taken the time to really think things through rationally, I should have known that something hadn’t made sense. It wasn’t like her to have done what she did without a good reason.
I clenched my fist as I started to feel the anger rise within me. But this time, it wasn’t directed at Chloe. It was directed at the situation we were in. I felt feelings of confusion and guilt wash over me—confusion for not knowing what had been wrong with Chloe in college and guilt for not realizing that something had been wrong.
I’d once thought my love for her was unconditional, that I’d love her until my last dying breath. But I realized then that I’d been wrong. My love for her had been juvenile and selfish. I’d never told her how I really felt. And yet, like a coward, I’d slept with other women because I wanted to test her and because I thought she wasn’t interested in me. I’d even encouraged her to sleep around herself.
Today, after all these years, I finally realized that the explanation I’d created in my mind for her betrayal may not be the reality. Now I wondered how desperate and low she must have felt to go through with what she had done.
As I drove back home, I felt torn over how I felt about Chloe, the girl who’d been my best friend for most of my life, the girl who I’d loved more than anyone else, the girl who’d broken my heart. Now that I knew there was more to the story than what I knew, could her reasons be enough for me to forgive and forget what’d happened nine years ago? Could I really get over what I’d seen that night? Could my feelings for her ever be as pure and true as they’d been before that night?
I didn’t know.
But what I did know was, I had to see her and this time, I had to listen to her side of the story.
CHAPT
ER FOUR
November 2000
Sixteen Years Old
CHLOE
I couldn’t stop grinning as I stared at the shiny laminated card clutched in my hands. Having a learner’s permit didn’t just mean I was now able to practice driving behind the wheel of an actual car, it meant I was one step closer to freedom. Jackson had teased me mercilessly when he received his before me and I couldn’t wait to show him that he was no better than I was now.
“Bet you’ll fail!” he had taunted me over burgers and fries after I told him I was going to the DMV for the exam the next day. “That test is brutal! All trick questions! Most kids don’t pass it the first time, but of course I did because you know me, I’m a freaking genius.” He flashed me a boyish grin that only further complemented his natural charm.
“Bullshit! You don’t scare me,” I said as I playfully threw a ketchup-coated fry at him. But the truth was, he had passed his first time.
I stayed up for hours that night memorizing the study guide book in preparation. If he was right and I failed, it would be beyond humiliating, because it meant that he would have bragging rights over me forever, and I knew he wouldn’t let me live it down.
When Aunt Betty drove me to the DMV the next morning, I felt queasy and my eyes stung from the little sleep I had gotten the night before. At first, the questions blurred across the page, and I had to blink several times and force myself to concentrate. When the test finally came into focus, I saw that the questions were hard. But thanks to Jackson, I knew almost every answer. When the clerk handed me back my paper, I’d scored a ninety-five percent. I squealed with excitement as I jumped up and down at the counter.
“Very good, young lady. This is the best score I’ve seen all week.” The clerk had said as she directed me to stand behind the white line and smile for the camera. Just a few minutes later, she handed me the card, fresh from the lamination machine. I smiled to myself as my hand touched my still-hot driver’s permit.
Pennsylvania
Instruction Permit
Chloe Sinclair
I read each line of the card and felt the butterflies in my stomach turn into the excited pounding of my heart. I’d done it. This was the first step toward being independent and not having to depend on Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom. As grateful as I was for everything they’d provided me since I’d moved in with them eight years ago, I couldn’t help but feel like a burden and an extra expense for them before they were able to retire. Their son, Charlie, who was eleven years older than me, supported himself financially. I’d heard Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom talk about their retirement before, and I knew they were trying to save up so that they could retire a few years early. I didn’t want to be the reason they couldn’t make that happen. I knew my driver’s permit was one step closer to my ability to take care of myself.
“Congratulations, honey!” Aunt Betty hugged me right in the lobby of the DMV and I shrugged out of her embrace.
“Not in front of everybody!” I rolled my eyes, feeling embarrassed over the attention. “Can I go to Jackson’s house?” I asked immediately, knowing that he was the first person I wanted to show my new permit to.
“Sure.” Aunt Betty smiled.
When we got to the Pierce’s home, I waved goodbye to Aunt Betty and made sure she had left before ringing the doorbell. I loved her, but she could be so embarrassing sometimes. There was no doubt that if Jackson or his parents had opened the door before she left, she would have gone on and on to them about how proud she was of me for passing the exam on the first try, and how hard I’d studied for the exam.
Once she had safely rounded the corner, I rang the doorbell and quickly hid the card behind my back, bristling with anticipation. Jackson was going to shit himself when he saw that I had passed the exam on my first try, too.
But to my surprise, his father opened the door. It was rare for him to be home in the middle of the afternoon.
“Hi there, Chloe. It’s always a pleasure to see you.” He smiled at me and held the door open so I could enter.
“Is Jax home?” I asked, already heading toward his room.
“No, he’s not back from football practice yet.”
The look of disappointment must have been evident on my face, because he immediately said, “I expect him back soon, though. You’re welcome to wait if you don’t mind hanging out for a few minutes with an old guy like myself.”
“You’re not old.” I laughed. I remembered when I was younger, I had thought Jackson’s father was ancient. But now that I was a little older, I thought he looked like Harrison Ford. There was a similarity in the eyes and the crooked grin. He was funny, kind, and had a certain charm, at least for an older guy. I wondered if Jackson would be handsome like his dad one day and I smiled, thinking he was already handsome.
“What’s behind your back?” he asked and I flushed to suddenly remembering that I’d been planning to surprise Jackson.
“Oh, nothing. Just this,” I said and I could feel my cheeks starting to burn. I held out my hand from behind my back and he gently picked up the card and read it. A grin curled the corners of his lips and his eyes flashed with happiness on my behalf.
“Congratulations! That’s a big deal getting your learner’s permit.” He moved toward me as if to hug me like Aunt Betty had done. I felt my heart begin to pound in my chest, mortified at the mere thought of it. But I had panicked for nothing. He was simply reaching out to return the permit to me. As I sighed with relief, a part of me was a little disappointed. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be hugged by a man as smart and mature as Mr. Pierce.
That’s silly, though.
I quickly shook the thought from my mind.
“Come sit with me and tell me what else is new with you.” He plopped comfortably on the couch in their living room and patted the cushion next to him. “I’ve been working so many hours lately, I never see you kids anymore. Please, tell me how you’ve been.”
I felt bad for Mr. Pierce. He really did work a lot and whenever I saw him, I got the feeling that he was lonely and missed his family. It was obvious he felt bad about not being able to spend more time with Jackson. Unfortunately, Jackson didn’t see it that way and complained to me about his dad on the rare instances that he mentioned him. Maybe if I sat and talked to Jackson’s father a little about his son, it would help make their relationship closer. It seemed like the least I could do.
“Things are good. Jax and I have almost all the same classes together this year, except for math and P.E. He’s doing really great in football; even though he’s a freshman, the coach let him play in the last three games. The first time was because several of the regular players were hurt and they needed a linebacker. He did so well, the coach has played him every game since.” I could have bragged about Jackson for hours, but his father cut me off with a friendly chuckle.
“That’s great about Jackson, but I was asking about you. How have you been, Chloe?”
No one ever really asked me about myself—especially not adults. It was weird, but kind of nice, too. Jackson was lucky to have a good dad; sweet, sensitive, and really caring.
I wanted to respond, but I realized that I didn’t really know what to say about myself. I shifted uncomfortably as I tried to think of something to say that didn’t sound totally stupid.
Jackson’s father tried to break the ice for me, asking casually, “How are your classes?”
“Good, I guess. I’ve got almost all As, and just a few Bs.” I tried not to sound like I was bragging, and added, “Oh, and one D.”
It was something I hadn’t confessed to anyone else yet, but for some reason I felt comfortable enough to tell Jackson’s father. I guess I just wanted to test the waters and see if he would freak out like Uncle Tom would and lecture me on the importance of grades or if he was really as cool as he seemed.
“What subject?” he asked and I could feel the lecture coming on.
“Math.” I said, biting my lower lip. “It’s algebra and the teacher goes over everything so fast I can’t follow him.”
“Can I tell you a secret?” John leaned toward me as if he was about to whisper the secret in my ear.
Curious, I nodded.
He got very close to me and said softly, “Algebra is bullshit. It’s just a waste of time.”
I couldn’t believe it. Jackson’s dad really was cool! A huge grin crossed my face and I struggled not to laugh.
“I wouldn’t worry about needing to learn it unless you plan to be an engineer, or else you’ll never use it in real life. But you do want to keep your grades up, though, so if you need help, I can help you with some tutoring.”
“Thanks, Mr. Pierce.”
He frowned. “John, remember?”
“Oh, right. Sorry.” I paused and forced a smile. “Thanks, John. That’s very nice of you to offer, but I know you’re busy.”
“Don’t be silly, Chloe. I’m not that busy,” John assured me and I watched as he put his hand around my shoulder in a comforting gesture. The flesh of his palm was warm on my skin and for some reason, it made me a little nervous. Uncle Tom loved me, but he wasn’t a big hugger like Aunt Betty was and he was rarely physically affectionate. I never knew my father. So feeling Jackson’s father’s arm around me made me wonder if this was what it was like to have a real dad and I allowed myself to lean into him.
“Chloe, you should know by now that nothing you could do would be an imposition to me. You’ve already given so much by being such a good friend to Jackson. You’re a special person and I hope you know how much you mean to all of us.”
“Thanks.” I felt my cheeks flush, but inside my heart soared. They were the kinds of words that a girl just needed to hear from a male role model in her life, no matter how confident she was or how much self-esteem she had. I thought about Jackson and felt envious that he had a father.
Just then, as if he knew I was thinking about him, Jackson walked through the front door and set his football gear heavily on the floor of the entryway.
“Hey, Jackson. How was practice?” John cried out enthusiastically. He pulled his arm from around my shoulders rather abruptly in his rush to welcome Jackson home. But I hadn’t really noticed. It made me smile to see the two of them have a chance to connect. I knew from personal experience how much it sucked to feel abandoned by your parents and it was rewarding to be able to witness this small moment between them.
“Fine,” Jax said dully, then his face instantly brightened when our eyes met. “ ‘Sup, Clo? What are you doing here?”
What am I doing here?
I knew there had been something I wanted to tell him, but at that moment, it’d slipped my mind.
Jackson’s dad stepped in for me. “Chloe’s struggling in math just a smidge and so I offered to give her some tutoring.”
“Algebra?” Jackson asked and I nodded. “Who’s your teacher?”
“Mr. Phillips,” I responded.
Jackson gave a disgusted groan. “He’s the worst! He talks a million words per minute and doesn’t let anyone ask questions. I’ve got Beiderman; she’s a lot better. They both use the same textbook and lesson plan. I can teach you everything you need to know, if you want. Come on, we can go over the stuff you’re having problems with now.”
I turned to Jackson’s father and flashed him a grateful smile. “Thanks for the offer, Mr.—John, but looks like I don’t need a tutor after all. I’ve got Jax!”
John’s expression turned to one of disappointment, and I felt bad for taking his son’s time away from him.
I’ll make sure I don’t stay too long so they can have some father and son time
, I thought to myself as I waved goodbye to Jackson’s father.
As I followed Jackson to his room, I suddenly remembered why I had come over in the first place. Shoving the learner’s permit in Jackson’s face, I cried out happily, “Check out what I got today!”
“No way! Who’d you have to bribe to get that thing? Is it a fake?” Jackson ripped it from my hand and pretended to check it for authenticity, grinning all the while.
“No one, you jerk. I earned it myself and the lady at the DMV said I got one of the best scores she’s seen all week. It’s probably better than yours, so bite me!” I teased him back and we both laughed and fought with each other playfully in a battle over control of my learner’s permit.
When we reached his room, Jackson handed it back to me and I saw his eyes were shining with pride. “I knew you’d ace it.”
“No you didn’t.” I rolled my eyes. “You totally thought I was going to bomb. But I didn’t.” I couldn’t resist throwing it in his face that he had been wrong with his prediction yesterday.
“No, I didn’t. I just knew that telling you that would motivate you to study even harder. But I knew you’d pass the test and get your permit. You’re one of the smartest girls I know.”
“Yeah, well you’re one of the biggest jerks I know!” I said, but he knew that was code for how much I really liked him. He really was the most amazing best friend anyone could ever ask for.
“Speaking of jerks, I’m sorry you got stuck here alone with my dad.” Jackson made a face as he searched his room for his math textbook and a pencil. “The coach made us all run extra laps today, so practice ran later than normal.”
“Oh, it was fine. Your dad’s really nice.”
“You don’t have to pretend with me.” There was an edge to his voice I rarely heard.