CHAPTER
EIGHT
November 2003
Eighteen Years Old
CHLOE
First semester at Penn was hard for me—harder than I’d thought it would be.
I made a few friends at my dorm, but not many and no one I felt I’d really bonded with. All my freshman year classes at Penn were so large, with well over two hundred students in each lecture, that it was impossible to make friends with anyone in class. I should know, I’d tried to make conversation with a few girls I’d seen in class, and they had all smiled and responded back politely, but made no efforts to prolong the conversation before rushing out of the lecture hall. Many of the other freshmen on my floor in my residence hall seemed to be meeting new people through the Greek system—if they were pledging a fraternity or sorority— or through a club or social group they’d joined during the first week of classes. There had been a few clubs that I had wanted to check out, but I ended up missing their scheduled informational meetings and sign-ups because I had gone to visit Jackson instead. I tried to go to one of the club’s second events two weeks later, but it seemed like people had already made friends with each other from the first introduction meeting and had met up to hang out a few times between the first and second club event. I’d ended up leaving the event feeling like an outsider, and it brought up the same feelings of insecurity and loneliness that I’d felt during my first day at my new school when I’d moved in with Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom. It wasn’t the type of feeling I wanted to feel, and I never ended up checking out the other clubs I had also been interested in.
And after a while, it felt harder and harder to make friends with people because as people started to form their social circles and routines, they became less willing to make time and space for new friends.
What made the first few months of college even worse was Jackson. I really missed him. He had started pledging a fraternity a few weeks into the start of the semester and with every passing week, I’d hear less and less often from him. And when I did hear from him, it was usually just a quick text or email, and rarely a call. The few times I’d actually heard his voice, I could barely get a few words in before he said he had to go.
But I didn’t fault him for being busy. College was supposed to be busy and fun. Even though my first semester wasn’t panning out the way I’d wanted or imagined, it wasn’t fair to blame Jackson for it, or expect him to not enjoy his own college experience. I never told him that I hadn’t made many friends yet, and I wasn’t sure if I would, even if he was around more to talk to. I didn’t want him to feel bad or guilty for having a great time while knowing that I wasn’t.
So as the weeks dragged on, and I heard from Jackson less and less often, I began to feel more and more isolated and alone. And even though I hated feeling this way and knew that I needed to get out and make more of an effort to meet new people, I couldn’t seem to escape the heavy feeling of loneliness and despair.
The one thing I was looking forward to—the light at the end of the tunnel—was my upcoming nineteenth birthday in two weeks.
I had been excited about my birthday ever since I started planning it a few weeks ago. Jackson was taking the train down and Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom were driving into the city for the day. Even Charlie decided to take the week before Thanksgiving off so he could celebrate my birthday with me.
I had the whole day already planned out. We were going to spend the day at the Autumn’s Colors and Chrysanthemum Festival at Longwood Gardens before heading to my birthday dinner at Vetri, an upscale Italian restaurant owned by the up-and-coming chef, Marc Vetri. I was so excited to see everyone, especially Jackson, and spend my birthday with those whom I loved and cared about. I knew having them around would make everything better. My birthday was exactly the thing I needed to get out of this slump.
***
November 21, 2003
Nineteen Years Old
My nineteenth birthday was today and it was turning out to be the worst birthday ever.
I woke up that morning with puffy, blood-shot eyes and a migraine. I had cried myself to sleep the night before. Luckily my roommate had left early for Thanksgiving break and hadn’t witnessed my complete mental breakdown.
I had cried because Jackson called me late the previous night.
I squealed in delight when I saw his name pop up on the screen when my phone started buzzing. It had been almost two weeks since we’d spoken on the phone. We’d both been busy with midterm exams and papers, but he had been even more busy because of his fraternity.
As I picked up to answer the phone, a wide grin spread across my face knowing that I was finally going to hear his voice.
But as soon as I did, I knew something was wrong.
“Hey, Clo.” His voice was low, like he was whispering and didn’t want anyone to hear him. But even through his muted voice, I could hear that he wasn’t happy.
“Hey, Jax,” I greeted him with apprehension, the excitement I’d felt just seconds ago gone from my voice. “How are you? I haven’t talked to you in a while.”
“I’m all right. How are you?”
“I’m good.” I tried to sound cheerful as I braced myself for whatever he was about to say. “I really miss you. I’m really excited to see you tomorrow.”
As soon as I finished my words, a sinking feeling crept its way into the pit of my stomach.
This can’t be about tomorrow, can it?
I wanted to blurt out,
“You’re still coming, right?”
but I held my tongue, afraid that if I asked that question out loud, I’d for sure make it come true.
“Clo…Please don’t hate me…”
The sinking feeling in my stomach spread through my body. “What is it?” I finally managed to get out.
“I—I really hate to do this to you, but…I can’t take the train down for your birthday tomorrow.”
His words felt like a cold dagger through my heart.
“Why not?” I demanded, trying to keep my voice steady.
“I don’t really have time to explain right now. I’m so sorry! I’m actually in the middle of a pledge activity. I snuck out real quick so I can tell you. I’m really, really sorry, Clo. I promise I’ll make it up to you! You know I’d be there if I could.” Then I heard a guy yelling in the background. “Shit! I gotta go, Clo. Please don’t hate me. I’ll call you tomorrow morning and will explain everything to you, okay?”
Before I could even respond, the line went silent, and he was already gone.
I got out of bed, feeling more tired that morning than I’d felt the previous night before bed. I looked out my dorm room window and saw that it had started snowing overnight and the pale, gray sky was filled with light flurries of snow drifting and swirling along with the wind. This was the first sign of snow this season, and I couldn’t help but smile a little at how beautiful and peaceful the city looked while being blanketed by the first layer of white, powdery snow. It was one of my favorite things about the start of winter.
Just then I heard my phone beep, alerting me to a new text message. Feeling slightly better than when I’d initially woken up, I reached for my phone.
It was from Jackson and my spirits immediately brightened at the sight of his name. But then our conversation from the prior night hit my consciousness, deflating me once again.
Didn’t he say he’s going to call me this morning?
Feeling a sense of dread, I pulled up his text message.
Happy birthday, Clo!!! I hope you have an amazing day! So sorry I can’t make it! I was about to call you, but the brothers of the house just came unannounced and they’re about to take my phone. I’ll call you as soon as I can, but may not be until Sunday night. So sorry!!! Love, Jax
“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” I blurted out loud as I stared at my phone in utter disbelief. In a crazed moment of anger, I pulled up his number and dialed it.
My call went straight to voicemail.
I slumped back onto my bed, feeling more upset than ever. H
ow could Jackson do this to me? We always spent our birthdays together, and he’d promised he was going to come. How could he cancel on me in the last minute on my birthday for a frat house? How could he disregard my feelings like this?
There were so many feelings swirling inside me, I wasn’t sure how I really felt. Anger? Disappointment? Sadness? Loneliness? Resentment? Betrayal? Abandonment? Was it possible for someone to feel all of these emotions all at once?
I crawled underneath my duvet, wishing I hadn’t woken up that morning. How had a day I had been looking forward to for weeks turn out to be such a disappointment? At some point during my session of self-pity, I must have fallen back asleep, but the next thing I knew, the buzzing of my phone woke me up.
After a few seconds of fumbling through my sheets for the phone, I answered it quickly.
“Hi, Charlie.” I was surprised to hear how awful my voice had just sounded.
“Happy birthday, kiddo!”
“Happy birthday, Chloe!” I heard Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom exclaim in the background.
“Thanks, guys.” I tried to sound cheerful.
“Did we wake you? You sound out of it.”
“Yeah, but it’s okay. I must have drifted back to sleep, but I should get up now.” I rubbed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. “So what time are you guys planning on coming over?” I looked over at my alarm clock on my nightstand and realized it was already close to ten in the morning.
“So that’s why we called…” There was a short pause, and then some rustling.
“Hey, honey. It’s me.” It was Aunt Betty, who must have just grabbed the phone from Charlie.
“Hi, Aunt Betty. So what’s wrong?” I held my breath, knowing it probably wasn’t good news I was about to hear.
“Oh sweetie, have you taken a look outside this morning?”
I walked over to the window to see that the snow flurries I’d seen earlier were now larger snowflakes falling steadily from the sky.
“Yeah, it’s snowing out.” Then I realized what Aunt Betty was trying to say. “Do you think Longwood Gardens is closed today because of the snow?” Normally it didn’t start snowing until the very last few days in November or early December, and Autumn’s Colors and Chrysanthemum Festival usually ended before the first snow fall.
“I’m not sure, honey, but that’s very likely. That wasn’t what we were concerned about.”
“So what’s the problem? It’s just snow.”
“The weather report this morning said that a large blizzard is currently moving through our area and staying until mid-day tomorrow. We’re supposed to get about twenty-five to thirty inches of snow by tomorrow morning.”
“Oh.” I felt a sense of foreboding and I knew I didn’t like where this was going. “So what does this mean for today?”
“Well, we were thinking maybe we can reschedule for maybe Sunday or next week. Charlie said he could look into getting everything rescheduled so you didn’t have to do that.”
“Reschedule? So you guys don’t want to visit me?” I knew I sounded like a self-centered child at that moment, but after Jackson had flaked on me the night before, I wasn’t sure I could handle my own family flaking on me as well.
“Would that be okay, honey?” I could hear the guilt in her voice. “I mean, it’s just one option though,” she quickly added. “I know you’ve been really excited about today, and today
is
your birthday. So if you feel strongly about celebrating today, just say the words and we’ll come to pick you up and we can play it by ear and figure out something else to do instead of Longwood Gardens if they’re closed. What do you think?”
I didn’t need to think about it to know what I’d wanted for today. So for the first time that I could remember, I allowed my own selfish desires to take the front seat and told Aunt Betty what I wanted without holding back. “Aunt Betty, I really want to see you guys today. Jax canceled on me last night and won’t be coming now. My birthday is today, not Sunday or next week. I don’t really care what we end up doing today, but I just don’t want to spend my birthday alone.”
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry to hear that about Jackson. We thought he might have taken the early train down this morning from Boston and was already with you. You’re right, you shouldn’t be alone for your birthday, and we’re only forty minutes away. We can probably head out soon and be there in about an hour. Does that work?”
“That’s perfect.” I smiled, touched by how much she cared for me. “Thanks for understanding, Aunt Betty. I hope I didn’t come off sounding ungrateful. I know I’m being selfish today. So it really means a lot to me that you guys are making the trip.”
“Sweetie, don’t be silly. You don’t have a selfish bone in your body. I’m so glad that you’re speaking up for what you want. You need to do that more often. You know we all love you. I wouldn’t have even suggested postponing today if I had known Jackson wasn’t there.”
Her words brought tears to my eyes. “You guys are the best, Aunt Betty.”
“So we’ll see you in about an hour, then?”
“Yup. I’ll see you guys then.”
When I hung up the phone, I felt my mood improve. I was determined to make the best of my day. I wasn’t going to let Jackson ruin my birthday because he decided it wasn’t worth showing up for.