CHAPTER
TWELVE
December 2003
Nineteen Years Old
CHLOE
I realized that I needed to sort this whole mess out somewhere I felt comfortable and safe. I decided to take a trip back home to see Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom.
The forty-minute drive helped. I kept the window down and the cold air hitting my face helped wash away my hangover and clear my head. By the time I got there, I felt almost human again.
But then I gasped when I saw it. As I pulled up into the driveway, there was a new “For Sale” sign in the front yard.
“Hi, sweetie. What an unexpected surprise. Is everything okay at school?” Aunt Betty folded me into her arms in a motherly embrace.
I looked over into the living room and was surprised to see Uncle Tom passed out in his recliner. There was a half-empty bottle of whiskey and a dirty, empty glass on the side table next to his recliner. From the smell of alcohol that lingered in the air, I had a feeling he’d drank more than enough to get himself drunk.
“School’s fine.” I paused, unsure how to bring up the subject. “Aunt Betty, why is there a For Sale sign in the front yard?” I decided not to beat around the bush.
Aunt Betty looked down at her hands so I wouldn’t see the tears brimming in her eyes. “This house has just gotten too big for us now that you’ve gone off to school.”
I knew this wasn’t the real reason. “Come on, Aunt Betty. I know how much you love this house. There are so many great memories that happened in this house. I know you guys would never put it up for sale because you thought it was too big. Please tell me what’s really going on?”
She let out a heavy sigh. “You’re right, honey. There’s no point hiding the truth from you.” She met my gaze and I noticed how blood-shot and sunken-in her eyes were, and I immediately felt the guilt that’d become a constant gnaw against my insides. “Our insurance didn’t cover all of Charlie’s medicals bills. Some of the surgeries weren’t covered. The doctors also told us that Charlie’s recovery process from the accident will be a lengthy one. He’ll need to stay in the hospital for some time and he may need continuous physical therapy for a number of years so he can adjust to…”
She couldn’t finish the sentence, but I knew what she was going to say and a lump formed in the back of my throat. “Are you sure there isn’t another way? Selling the house just seems so final.”
Her shoulder slumped and her eyes filled with tears. She shook her head. “I don’t think so, honey. I just don’t know how we can manage it all without giving up the house. Even if we sell a lot of our things and refinance the house, it won’t be enough. Based on what we’re anticipating, we’ll need at least half a million dollars to pay for all the medical bills in the first year. Even if we were to withdraw early from our retirement funds, we don’t have enough money saved to cover everything. Tom’s worried that we’ll have to file for bankruptcy.” Her words broke into a sob as he buried her face in her hands.
“Oh, Aunt Betty, I’m so sorry.” I held her tightly as she cried helplessly in my arms. The only other time I’d seen her cry was when my mom had passed away, and this felt worse than that because I knew it was all my fault. “I wish none of this ever happened.” I wanted to tell her that it was all my fault, that I wished it’d been me in the car instead, that I’d gladly take his place right now if I could so he could continue living his normal life before the accident. That was how I felt.
But I couldn’t voice any of those thoughts to her, or to Uncle Tom. I knew them well enough to know that they’d just console me and tell me that I shouldn’t think that way, that I had done nothing wrong, that it was no one’s fault. And as much as I wanted to hear those words, they were the last two people that should tell me that it hadn’t been my fault, that I hadn’t done anything wrong.
“If we sell the house, your uncle and I can move into a small apartment. The utilities will be cheaper and we’ll be able to use the money to pay off some of the medical expenses that we’ve incurred. Then we hope we can pay for Charlie’s ongoing physical therapy with our combined income after our monthly expenses.” She sighed. “I think that’s the best plan we’ve got.”
Then something occurred to me.
“Aunt Betty, you, Uncle Tom, and Charlie have loved me, taken care of me, and provided me with so much. I want to help out as much as I can. I owe you guys at least that.” With my heart in my throat, I reached into my purse and pulled out the three thousand dollars that was stuffed inside and handed it to her. “I came to give you this. Maybe it’ll cover some of the expenses for now. I have another two thousand dollars in my savings that I’ll bring over later this week.”
She gasped aloud and hugged me so tight I could hardly breathe. Fresh tears of relief flowed down her cheeks and made me wet too. “This is a miracle. This will save us for another month. But where did you get this much money?”
“I’ve been saving it from my two part time jobs.”
I expected her to question me further. She knew I had just started these two jobs shortly after the accident a few weeks ago. But to my surprise, she didn’t. Maybe with all the stress, it hadn’t crossed her mind. Or maybe she was at a point where she’d believe anything if it’ll help make life just a little easier.
When she took the money from me, there was a wave of relief and hope on her face that touched my heart. It felt amazing to be able to give back to the woman who had loved and raised me like I was her own child. And at that moment, it didn’t even bother me to know where that money had come from.
***
That evening after dinner, as I lay in the room that had been both mine and Charlie’s at different periods of time, I thought back to all the precious memories I’d had in this room. I thought about how happy my life had been while living in this house. With each memory I recalled, I realized more and more how emotionally attached I’d become to this bedroom, to this house. I couldn’t imagine having to say goodbye to it all.
Just then, my phone rang, and to my surprise, it was the ever-elusive Jackson.
For a brief second, I thought about ignoring his call—to give him a taste of his own medicine—but as the phone continued to ring, I gave in and answered.
“Hi,” I said plainly, torn between being angry at him and missing him.
“Hey, Clo. I’m so sorry for not calling you back sooner. It’s just been a really crazy month with pledging and everything. I hope you’re not mad.”
“Do you want the truth, or do you want me to tell you I’m not mad?” I asked him bluntly, giving him the answer passive aggressively.
“I deserved that.” Jackson’s voice was filled with agony. “You have every reason to be upset with me. Clo, I know I’ve been a really shitty friend to you in the past few weeks. You deserve better. You’ve always been there for me, even when I pushed you away. I should have been there for you when you needed me. I hope you can forgive me.”
I was silent as tears welled up in my eyes as I listened to his apology. While a part of me wanted to stay angry with him, I knew it wasn’t worth our friendship. I had been upset with Jackson for breaking his promise to visit me for my birthday. I had been upset with him for neglecting me and not returning my calls or texts. But what was the point in staying angry with him after he’d just apologized? What else did I want him to do? Not enjoy his time in college? Not date girls but stay single and miserable? Not be out having fun, getting drunk, and being happy? None of that would make sense. He was my best friend. It wasn’t his fault that I hadn’t made many friends in college. It wasn’t his fault that I felt lonely and miserable. And it definitely wasn’t his fault that I felt guilty for ruining the rest of Charlie’s life and causing Aunt Betty and Uncle Tom to sell their house.
Mistaking my silence for anger, Jackson continued, “Clo, I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I broke my promise and stood you up on your birthday. I really feel awful about that. I never called you or texted you back when I promised I would. And even when you told me that you needed to talk to me because something was wrong, I still didn’t give you the time and attention you needed and deserved. I’ve been the worst friend to you, and I’m really sorry. I—”
“Jax,” I finally cut him off. “You don’t have to explain. I know you’re just enjoying your freshman year, and I’m really happy to know that everything’s been going well for you. But the problem is, things haven’t been going well for me recently, and you haven’t been around to be my best friend to even know anything that’s been happening. So even though I’m upset that you didn’t show up to my birthday, what I’m more upset about is the fact that you haven’t been around for me to even talk to. I really needed a friend during the past few weeks and you weren’t there.”
“Clo…I don’t even know what to say. I’m a fucking asshole and I treated you like shit. I’d just been so caught up with everything with the fraternity and being in college, I completely took you for granted and neglected our friendship. I’m so sorry. You needed me and I wasn’t there for you. But if you can forgive me for being such a dumbass, can you tell me what’s been happening? I’m all ears.”
My lips curled into a small smile as I considered making Jackson squirm and grovel a little bit longer. But my need to tell him about Charlie and the all-consuming guilt I’d felt won out.
So I told him about what happened on my birthday, about the blizzard, about Aunt Betty’s suggestion that we’d reschedule due to the bad weather, about how I guilt-tripped them to come see me anyway, and about the accident and Charlie’s resulting paralysis.
When I got to the part about Charlie, Jackson interrupted my story. “Clo, that’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known any of that was going to happen. You can’t blame yourself for everything. You can’t think that any of this is your fault, because it’s not.”
Tears fell down my face as I finally heard what I’d been waiting to hear from him. “But if it wasn’t for me, it wouldn’t have happened…”
“Clo, don’t do this to yourself. If you use that kind of logic, you can say it was my fault for standing you up that caused you to insist that they drive to see you that day, you can say it was Aunt Betty’s fault for not being more firm about not traveling because of the weather, you can even say it was Charlie’s fault for not wearing a seat belt and not being more careful while driving.” He sighed. “What I’m trying to say is, we can spend all day blaming someone for what happened, but the truth is, bad things happen and we can’t predict the future to know what will happen next. You can’t beat yourself up over something you didn’t want to happen.”
“Thanks, Jax…I really needed that.” I wished he were there with me at that very moment. I wished he were just next door like old times so I could go see him and give him a hug.
Then the events of last night flashed before my eyes and I cringed at the thought of what I had done. “Jax, so something happened last night.” I suddenly felt nervous about admitting to what had happened last night.
“What is it?” I could hear the anxiety in his voice.
“So I was really upset last night and I went out and…I met a guy, and we had a little too much to drink…and we ended up hooking up and…”
“Clo, can I stop you right there?” he cut me off.
“Uh. Okay?” I wasn’t sure why he interrupted me.
Did he know something I didn’t? Did he somehow know?
I thought irrationally, feeling panic prickle against my skin.
“I think it’s great you’re out enjoying college and letting loose. I don’t think you need to feel guilty about having some fun in the middle of what’s been going on with Charlie. We’re best friends, Clo. I’m going to be there for you, but maybe we don’t have to tell each other every single thing that happens to us?” He then chuckled, but it sounded forced and out of place. “Meeting new people and sleeping around happens. Maybe we don’t need to share every graphic detail about our conquests?”
“But…” I wanted to tell him that wasn’t why I was telling him about last night.
“Clo, We’re both single, and sleeping around is just a part of the whole college experience. Casual sex is not a big deal. These are our experimental years. These are the years we’re suppose to make those silly mistakes and grow from them. I’ve had my fair share of fun, but I doubt you want me to go into the details of those escapades. So maybe we can spare each other the possible awkwardness, and agree to just not get into the details of our sex lives?”
“Oh. Okay. That’s fine.” I wasn’t sure why, but his words stung. Was it because he didn’t give me a chance to hear what I had to say? Was it because he was okay with me sleeping around, and maybe even encouraging it? Or was it because he just told me he was having his fair share of casual sex?
I didn’t know what it was, but his words rubbed me the wrong way. So after a few more minutes of catching up and talking about what classes we were taking, I lied and said I was tired and had an early morning class and needed to get ready for bed.
It was only eight-thirty, and I wasn’t at all tired. But after I got off the phone, I laid in bed in silence thinking about what he’d said, and at some point I fell asleep.
***
I wasn’t sure how long I had been out, but my phone suddenly rang, waking me up. I grabbed the phone, thinking it might be Jackson again.
But it wasn’t. I frowned at a number I didn’t recognize, but decided to answer in case it might have been the hospital where Charlie was staying.