Race to Recovery (Full Throttle) (11 page)

“When did you realize you were wrong?”

Brant’s eyes opened a little wider. “I don’t know. I was being stubborn about it. I didn’t admit it until now.”

“So you haven’t apologized either?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“I think she’ll forgive you. I mean your sister could be cold-hearted or something, I don’t know.”

He laughed. “No, she’s probably too friendly for her own good. That’s what started this in the first place. No, I think you’re right, I think she’ll forgive me. She’ll never let me live it down, but she’ll forgive me.”

Seth hated to see Brant and Alice bonding like this but he had never been in a real fight, not one that had come to blows or resulted in a falling out.
I did make Chloe angry in New York but we patched that up the next day. Somehow I don’t think this is the time for bragging.
His mind went blank as he searched for some topic or story that would make Alice pay attention to him with those slightly adoring blue eyes and that understanding smile. There was nothing so he handed the dice back to Brant. “It’s your turn.”

The game progressed quickly and in silence. Everyone was lost in thought and out of things to say. A few times Seth almost tried starting a light-hearted conversation but each time he second guessed himself and ended up slumped lower in his seat. Finally he settled on a joke. “A mushroom walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender refused saying, ‘we don’t serve mushrooms here’. ‘Why not?’ the mushroom asked. ‘I’m a fun guy’.”

Alice smiled. “I’ve heard that one before.”

“Do you like jokes and puns?”

“I used to. Your sense of humour sort of breaks when you spend sixteen hours of your day high on drugs and the rest of it sleeping. Tell me another.”

“Three ropes are outside a bar. The first tries the door but the bouncer says, ‘no ropes allowed’. The second tries but with the same luck. The third rope twists himself up, fluffs his top, and walks up to the door. The bouncer looks him over and says, ‘are you a rope?’ He replies, ‘No, I’m afraid not’.”

Alice let out a delighted laugh. “Oh, that’s wonderful.”

Seth was grinning now and ignoring both the game and his brother’s dark look. “What did the man say when he walked into a bar?”

“Oh,” Alice’s eyebrows furrowed. “Gimme a drink?”

Seth grinned wider. “Ouch.”

“Ouch? Oh! A bar, I get it! Oh, it feels good to laugh at real jokes again.”

“Why do all your jokes have to do with bars?” Brant asked.

“I thought the Polish ones would be too offensive.”

“Are you Polish?” Alice asked.

“No,” Seth said, “But there was a farmer across the road who was and he loved Polish jokes.”

Alice glanced at the board. “Who’s winning?”

“I think I’m ahead,” Seth said. He took the dice from Brant with a smirk. “And it’s my turn.”

* * * *

They played board games and told jokes all morning. After lunch Brant grudgingly went to his appointment with Dr. Keaton.

“How is your nose?” Dr. Keaton asked. “And your ribs?”

Brant hadn’t thought about his injuries all morning. There had been a few times that he had laughed hard enough to make his ribs ache but now he felt every bruise.
And Seth is alone with Alice, winning her over with bad puns. I’ll bet anything he’s going to pull a dime out from behind her ear.
His mood got rapidly darker and he said, “I’m fine.”

“Do you want to talk about the fight?”

“No.”

“Brant, being nonresponsive won’t speed this process up.”

“Fine.”

“Tell me about the fight. How did it get started?”

“Why don’t you tell me? You have cameras everywhere, don’t you? Why weren’t we tackled by orderlies as soon as the first blows were exchanged?”

“Those cameras aren’t watched at all times. We have them mainly for liability issues.”

“So go look at the tapes.”

“We have. We know the two of you talked, I’m interested to know what that was about.”

“It wasn’t. It was one aggressive male misunderstanding something and taking offense. Offended aggressive males say offensive things, you should know that, it’s fuel on the fire. Two offended and aggressive males like to punch each other. End of story.”

“How many times did you practice that?”

Brant shrugged. “How many times do you imagine conversations you know you’re going to have before you have them? I have a lot of time to think now that I have no cell phone or internet.”

Dr. Keaton frowned and changed tactics. “You’re deflecting and that means you’re defensive, probably in denial. I don’t see us being resolved in just five visits.”

“Are you threatening to keep me here longer? Because I can walk out that door any time I want to.”

“It’s a power struggle neither of us can win. But I wonder why you love fighting so much? You fight me, you fight Dr. Hurd, and you even fight your brother. Why?”

In a far more civil tone Brant said, “I don’t know.”

Breakthrough
Dr. Keaton thought, keeping his face serious. “You categorize yourself as an aggressive male; you know you fight with everyone, so why do you continue to do it?”

“I don’t know.” The temper was creeping back into his voice.

“Do you believe that you’re helplessly bound to this path because you’re an aggressive male? Or do you like hurting people?”

“I’m not trying to hurt people!” The words started pouring out. “I’ve always been like this, it’s all I know. I fight, I lash out at people when I’m angry because then I’m in control! If I’m yelling and insulting then I’m in control of the situation.”

“Why would you always want to be in control? That’s a lot of work and a lot of stress.”

“If I’m in control I must be right. I hate being wrong.” So many pieces of his past, actions, consequences, and relationships, tumbled through his mind, clicking together to form new patterns and ideas. He stood. “I’m sorry, I have to go. I have to think.”

“Brant! Our time isn’t up!” Dr. Keaton called but Brant didn’t even hear.

He walked straight up to his room without a glance to check on his brother and Alice. Alone in his room he sat in the dark and let the thoughts free.

Alice paused Seth mid-story and said, “Isn’t that Brant?”

Seth glanced over his shoulder and frowned. “Where is he going?”

“Maybe he went to get something from his room? Dr. Keaton had me keep a journal when I first got here.”

“He never mentioned a journal and he’s not really the journaling type.”

“I didn’t think he was. He’ll come back down soon.”

“I hope so,” Seth muttered under his breath. He turned back to Alice, “Where was I?”

* * * *

David, the orderly, interrupted them an hour later. “Mr. Bye, you know the rules.”

Alice frowned, “What rules?”

Seth forced a smile. “I can’t stay if I’m not with Brant. They let me wait in the Common Room while he’s in his appointment but he’s been hiding in his room too long.”

Alice turned to Dave. “He’s visiting me, can’t he stay?”

“I’m sorry, that still breaks the rules.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll come back tomorrow. Brant will be done his hissy fit and the three of us can spend all day together. Consider this a chance to catch up on your reading.” He winked.

“Okay, I give up. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Seth waved and followed David out to the visitor’s entrance.

* * * *

Alice sat her bed with a novel open and forgotten on her lap. Her mind was doing circles with no end or answer in sight.
They both make me feel alive. I’m sure they both think they love me and it’s very sweet of them. That’s why they’re so competitive. I can’t love them both and I can’t lead one on if I’m in love with the other. How to choose? Brant makes me nervous, I’ve seen him blow up, but it’s never been directed at me before but I’ve been there before and sooner or later I’ll mess up and he’ll yell at me too. The beating is never too far behind the yelling.

Seth wouldn’t lose his temper; Seth would never lay a hand on me. He’s one of those people who feel the pain of others but he doesn’t understand me. I know I’m still broken but I won’t heal if he won’t let me step outside my comfort zone once in a while. He can’t keep me under a glass dome; I’ll stay fragile and frightened. But he would keep me safe.

It’s infuriating to have someone decide when you’ve said enough or what your comfort zone is going to be. I’ve spent too long living by other peoples’ rules. Brant understands; Brant knows what it’s like to be dependent. But I’ve dated addicts and recovering addicts and when they fall off the wagon they drag me down too.

Oh how do I choose? I can’t love them both.

Round and round her thoughts went, all afternoon, until she chanced a glance at the clock and saw she was almost too late to get any food. The book fell to the floor and she hurried from her room to find Brant in the hallway. “Were you waiting for me?”

“No, I lost track of the time. I was thinking.”

“Me too. Brant …”

He gestured with a sideways jerk of his head. “Let’s get some dinner first. If you want to talk I’ll listen but I’m starving.”

“Okay, dinner first.” She was all too happy to delay that conversation.
How do I tell him I want them both to back off? I’m in recovery, I can’t fall in love right now, it wouldn’t be right. Brant didn’t listen when I said I didn’t want friends, will he listen now?
Her thoughts followed her down to the dining room where they had to rush to get everything before the kitchen staff took it away.

“At least we can take our time eating,” he said as they grabbed a table. “Was Seth mad that I didn’t come back down?”

“No, not angry. He seemed disappointed though. He said he’d come back tomorrow. Has this happened before?”

“Once. I got angry and hid. That was the day I talked to you in the library. And the day with Penny.”

“Oh, I see.” She turned to her food, some sort of noodle dish with grilled chicken strips.
That wasn’t that long ago. I’ve dated men with tempers before, I won’t do it again. Maybe he’ll listen to that.
“Were you mad today?”

“No, I just had a lot of thinking to do about why I get so angry. I’m starving. Who knew soul searching could make you so hungry.”

They ate in silence mainly because Brant was eating too fast to talk. He wasn’t as distracted as he looked and he happily noted that Alice wasn’t picking and poking at her food with that ‘don’t notice me’ posture that had caught Brant’s eye the first day.

How many men saw that body language and thought ‘easy target’?
Brant suddenly thought.
No wonder she was scared of me.

When they had finished Brant led her to the garden door. Alice hesitated. “It’s getting late, maybe we shouldn’t.”

“You aren’t afraid of the dark, are you?”

“No, I’m afraid people will think I’m a whore like Penny was.”

He sighed. “The Common Room gets fuller in the evenings; I thought we could use a quiet place so we could talk, if we wanted to.”