Race to Recovery (Full Throttle) (14 page)

“What? No grudge? Are you going to forgive me too?”

“That depends on what you say, Seth. There are some things that are unforgiveable but I’ve never seen you go that far. You’re a fixer, not a fighter, and you should be proud of that.”

Already Brant was becoming reasonable again. Seth stood. “I have some errands to run. You’ll want more food for your next temper tantrum and I owe Mom a phone call.”

Brant smiled at Alice and followed Seth to the door. “You don’t have to go.”

“Stop pretending, Brant. Alice can’t hear you over here. We both know you’re just pretending for her sake. You’ll never be able to keep this up.”

“When did you become so angry, Seth? Did you always hate me this much?”

“No, but I was always disgusted by your attitude and the way you got away with everything.”

“So why now, Seth?”

“Alice, of course. We both love her but you’ll end up hurting her.”

“Do you love her or the idea of protecting her from everything, including herself?”

“It’s the same thing!”

Brant’s smile looked weary. “Are you coming back tomorrow?”

“I need to talk to Alice tomorrow. And you’d better not say anything to anyone about it.” Seth turned and stormed out.

* * * *

Brant and Alice spent the rest of the morning in the Common Room, each lost in their own thoughts. Against her better judgement Alice trusted Brant.
He’s under all this stress and his anger is just leaking away. I’ve seen so many people become angry and cynical from being in rehab. But Brant’s been here half the time I have—no one gets over an addiction that fast. But I’ve never met someone with as much to lose as Brant. Most of us have already lost it all.

She sighed and flipped the page of the magazine on her lap even though she hadn’t read anything.
I’ve fallen hard and fast before, but was it love or just a longing to escape in any way possible? They didn’t love me. When Brant looks at me there’s something in his eyes, they go soft and they make his whole face look gentle. I’ve never found gentle attractive before.
He looks at me like there’s no one else in the room. He looks at me like there is no room!

She snuck a peak at Brant but he could have been asleep on the other couch for all she knew.
He’s in love, there’s no question about it. Do I love him? It’s been two weeks since he walked in that door, is that really long enough? Didn’t Seth say their sister fell so madly in love in only twenty-four hours that she stood up to Brant? Twenty-four hours and it was the real thing. Oh, but I’ve made so many mistakes and there’s Seth to consider.
She took a deep breath.

I can’t be in love with either of them until we get out of here. Rules are rules and that’s all there is to it.
Feeling content with her neat little solution she glanced down at the magazine in her lap and made a face.
Who would actually wear something like that?”
She flipped the page again.

* * * *

After lunch they retreated to the library at Brant’s suggestion. It was quiet there and Brant knew the books would make Alice feel more comfortable.

“Why did Seth really leave?” she asked as she trailed her fingers along the decorative spines of the encyclopaedias.

“He doesn’t want me to change, I don’t know why.”

“I guess you’re his addiction. He’s addicted to helping people and he’d have no one if you changed.”

That’s why he loves you,
Brant thought.

“What were you thinking just now?”

It didn’t matter how angry Seth was, a promise was a promise. “That you may be right about him.” They smiled at each other. “You’ve been a big help to me this last week and I would like to talk with you again, if I could.”

“You are talking.”

“I mean talk about what I was thinking earlier.”

“You were lost in thought for a long time. I thought you might have dropped off.”

“No, I wasn’t sleeping, but some of it felt like a dream.”

“So they were good thoughts?”

He sat in the chair in the corner and nodded. “I was thinking about you.”

“Brant …” She took a step back.

“I’m sorry, that sounds all creepy and I didn’t want it to. Will you listen without running away? I promise that when I’m done you can go and hide and never talk to me again if that’s what you need to do but I need to say these things because just thinking them is going to drive me crazy. Please.”

He’s asking too much of me, whatever it is he has to say he knows it will be too much for me and yet he’s asking anyways.
She wanted to be mad at him but she could see the hope and the sad acceptance in his eyes and simply couldn’t call up the anger. She took a few deep breaths but her voice still came out shaky. “Okay, I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try to hear you out.”

“Thank you. This has been the strangest couple of weeks of my life. I don’t think people are meant to change this fast. I don’t know which way is up, I don’t know who I am or what defines me anymore and that scares me more than any race or wreck I’ve seen or been in but so far it’s been positive.

“Alice, you were the reason I even considered changing. When I came here I was angry at my sister and Seth and the whole world because I didn’t want to be mad at me. I didn’t know how to admit that I had been wrong or that I had messed up and had no one to blame but myself. And then I saw you eating dinner and I thought you looked so sad and so hurt. Seth kept telling me to leave you alone, that I’d hurt you, and I had to get to know you and find out your story because I was afraid it was someone selfish and angry like me who had hurt you in the first place.

“Then I started talking to you, and yeah, I was stubborn and pushy about it, but I thought you were nice and sweet and I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to hurt you, to destroy you the way they had. You’re beautiful and your voice is music and your laugh—nothing else matters anymore except making you laugh.

“Maybe my family has the bad habit of living life too fast; my sister fell in love in a single day. It took me a little longer than that but I fell in love with you Alice. I want your voice and your laughter and your beauty in my life. I know this is too much all at once and I’m moving too fast. I promise I won’t say another word about this unless you want to discuss it. If you want to hide I won’t chase you or come looking for you. If you just want to be friends, well, at least I get to hear you laugh and talk sometimes. And … and … I don’t know what else to say.”

“Shit.”

He blushed. “I thought you’d run away or cry but I wasn’t expecting that.”

“I’m sorry, I spent all day debating whether I had feelings for you, or your brother, or neither of you and instead of working it out I said, ‘I can’t love because the center has rules’. Have you thought of that? There are strict rules about no romantic relationships while you’re in here.”

“I know and I don’t want you to be kicked out. I could leave, if that would be easier for you. I’d give you the number at the farm and you could call me there when you get out and we could talk it over then. You deserve to be here, to get better; I won’t ruin that for you.”

“I don’t want you to leave until you’re ready to.”

“Nothing needs to change between us. I don’t have to hold your hand or kiss you—I would give anything to be allowed to kiss you right now. But I’ll wait, or I’ll just forget it, or whatever you say. I promise. We can go on talking and laughing together until Dr. Keaton lets us out of here.”

“You’d really take no for an answer?”

He nodded.

“Can I run away now? Just long enough to catch my breath? I just … I don’t know what to think.”

He nodded again. “I’ll wait.”

She forced a smile and fled to her room.

* * * *

Brant went for dinner at the usual time. Tonight was ham, baked potatoes, and an assortment of noodles, with or without cheese sauce. Ham was Brant’s least favourite meat but the rest of dinner looked delicious. When Alice came in she didn’t even look at him and his appetite left him. He waited until she had settled at a different table then he dropped his tray and his half-finished meal on the pile and walked out.

He was moping in his room when someone knocked on the door. “Yeah?” he called.

“I’m ready to talk.”

Her voice lifted his spirits and he was smiling when he opened the door. “Alice.”

“Did you want to take a walk outside? It’s a nice evening.”

“Sure, I’ll come for a walk with you.”

As they strolled through the garden she said, “What does your brother think of all this?”

“He’s convinced I’ll hurt you eventually, he believes this change I’m undergoing is an elaborate game to seduce you. If there’s anything else he should tell you himself. I don’t want him to hate me when all this is over.”

“Is this an elaborate game?”

“No. Even if you only want to be friends I like this new me a lot better than the old me. I don’t want to be that person again and I will always be grateful that you were here to shake me out of my rut.”

“I’m not used to this, you know. People never pay attention to me. If someone acts like they see me it’s because they want something from me. Now you and Seth want to talk to me simply because I’m me and ….”

“And then I go and ruin it by asking something from you. I’m sorry. Alice, I ….”

Alice stopped walking and snapped, “I listened to every word you said this afternoon, even though I wanted to run away as soon as it turned personal. Now you are damn well going to listen to me, without putting words in my mouth and what are you smiling at?”

“When I fell in love with you, Alice, you were quiet and timid. Today you swore at me twice and raised your voice at me and I love you for that too.”

“You’re impossible!”

“You’re probably right about that.”

“Now I’ve completely lost my train of thought.”

“You’re not used to positive and pleasant attention?” Brant offered.

“That’s right, I’m not. But it’s been so nice that I had to sit and argue with myself about whether I loved you or Seth or neither of you. I’ve been trying to figure it out for days.”

“Really?” he perked up.

“I really did try to convince myself that falling in love was out of the questions so it was a moot point and I didn’t have to think about it anymore but then I realized that I couldn’t wish these feelings away. There’s no hiding behind protocol or rules anymore.” She took a deep breath. “When I sat down to talk to Seth, the day after Penny got kicked out, I thought he was nice to talk to, I thought about how nice it would be to have someone in my life who would spend all day with me while I recovered, to have someone who cared just about me.

“The more I talked to both of you the more I realized that Seth was trying to protect me from getting better. He didn’t want me to face the past, ever, because it made me upset. You just kept pushing and pushing and even though Seth said you don’t take no for an answer, you did. When I was done talking you stopped asking.”

“I wanted to keep asking. I want to know everything about you.”

“I know. I trust you, I know I shouldn’t because you’re an addict and I’ve walked this road so many times and I always end up strung out on something in the end, but I trust you. When you watched that race on TV I could see it in your eyes. You’d do anything to get back into one of those cars.”