Racing Outside the Line: A Love Story at 190 Mph (2 page)

The mirrored elevator did nothing to calm me down. Instead, it made my reflection unavoidable. I stared myself in the eye letting everything sink in. The anger began to take over my whole self—anger over what I was doing to myself, my life. "Could you be more of an idiot?" I asked the reflection in the mirror, "Why couldn’t you leave well enough alone? Why couldn’t you sleep with Josh and be happy? Why couldn’t you want
him
? What the hell is wrong with you?" I pounded my fists up against the wall of the elevator letting the physical movement drain the energy of my anger.

This was my own fault for living in the delusion that Seth had nearly kissed me. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the glass. "My fault, my fault," I whispered to myself, but the scene before Josh arrived played back in my mind. I thought about it, really thought about it as the floors flew by and came to the conclusion… "He
did
almost kiss me!" I screamed at my reflection. "What the hell is wrong with him?" I began, focusing again on my reflection. "Why the hell was he playing this ridiculous big brother act? Why the hell did he almost kiss me earlier? Why did he stumble all over himself and act as if he had never seen me before?" I could feel the blood rushing to my face again, feel my temper flaring. I let the shawl that had been around my shoulders drop and clenched it angrily in my hand. I found myself walking confidently in my high heels for the first time all night. I was so caught up in my own self-absorbed thoughts that I walked confidently right out of the elevator and down the entryway, smack dab into Seth.

"I’m going to beat the crap out of that boy," he started to charge away from me, down the entryway toward the elevator with a fury I hadn’t seen before. It would have been a bit unnerving if my anger didn’t trump his.

I got in front of him, and I think it was simply the sheer force of my indignation that prevented him from plowing me down and heading up to kill Josh. I unleashed the full wrath of my anger on him, "You just think you know everything don’t you?" I kept my voice low to avoid drawing more attention, and I was pleased to find that this just made me sound more deadly. His eyes widened with surprise at my tone. "You’re so damn blind! You don’t even see what’s right in front of you!" The look of confusion on his face only served as a catalyst to the full rage that had accumulated within me. I started to walk toward the entrance, but he made the mistake of grabbing my arm to delay me. I did my best to look viciously at his hand on my upper arm and proceeded to tear into him. "You don’t even bother to ask me what the hell happened, you just go charging off into the elevator. What were you going to do, Seth? Were you going to kick down every door until you found him? You’re pathetic."

He looked stunned into silence, but still didn’t let go of my arm. I carried my searing gaze down to his hand again then coldly glared back up at him. "I swear to God, if you don’t take your damn hand off me this second… you don’t
want
to know what I’ll do to you." Whether it was my deadly calm or my threat that made him let go of me, I’ll never know, but he did let go, and I stood there fuming at him for a moment until he began shaking his head. He had the oddest smile on his face—a smile I wanted to smack off him. You don’t smile at someone who is ready to take your head off, it’s insulting.

"You’re even more beautiful when you’re angry, you know that?" Readjusting the tilt of my head, I wondered if he was completely crazy. My concern over his mental state warred with my hatred of him in that moment and my silence left him the opening he needed to elaborate.

"I’m serious," he defended moving closer to me, "another ten feet and I’d have to fight off a few of these guys hanging around here whose eyes have been glued to you since you walked out of that elevator." When I continued to glare up at him, he put two fingers to his eyes and pointed over his shoulder to the left at two guys who were standing outside the lounge. I glanced quickly to where he pointed and the realization that he was telling the truth, took away my steam.

My impatient sigh could likely be heard by everyone around us, "Can we just go already?" I didn’t bother waiting for an answer and felt no need for his escort either as I pounded an angry path toward the door. I could feel the gaze of the person behind the counter and knew that despite how quiet my anger had been, it had not been unnoticeable by any standards. As was always a concern when I was anywhere with Seth, I had to wonder if everyone stared because it was Seth Keller, race car driver, that I was with or if it was due to the large scene I had caused. I didn’t bother to look up at the faces around me to guess what they were thinking, and I didn’t bother to look back at Seth—his asinine smirk over how cute I was when I was angry was enough to piss me off for a month.

The second I was out the revolving glass door, the cool air slapped me in the face, but I was so heated up with anger that it didn’t chill me, and it certainly didn’t cool off my temper. I was relieved to find Seth’s black Ferrari parked at the curb, but Seth’s leisurely stroll back to the car made me wish to key the stupid thing. He tried to open the car door for me, but I glared at him with such force that he put up both hands and backed away.

Thankfully, he was silent the whole way home, and I didn’t deem him worthy of a single glance. The second we pulled into the driveway I was out of the car and in the house before he could turn the engine off.

I stomped angrily up to my room and slammed the door shut. Childish, I know, but it’s not like we had a punching bag in the house to take my anger out on. Searching around my room, I had to find something to throw, something to hit, anything that would take away this anger I had at myself and at Seth, and at my parents for leaving me with Seth as a "brother figure." A red haze of rage blurred my vision, but didn’t prevent my eyes from settling on my desktop and the books, pens, tissue, plant, everything sitting innocently on top. Before I could calm down long enough to think better of it, my arm whipped through the air and sliced everything onto the floor. Seth’s hands were suddenly gripping my arms. I hadn’t noticed that he had followed me up to my room, so the surprise of his movement and the strength behind his grasp made my breath hitch in the back of my throat.

"Okay, I need to know what the hell happened
right now
, Alexis!" He was yelling every bit as much as I had been, but there was no anger behind his voice, only frustration and confusion.

I tried to maintain my original furious tone in the hopes that it would make him leave, but I could already feel it draining from me, replaced with an ache deep within my chest. "Nothing! Leave me alone!" I wanted him to leave before the tears began.

He inclined his head in the direction of the floor where my pile of debris sat looking very sad. "That’s not
nothing
! Tell me what happened. Did he try something with you?"

Again, I couldn’t help but wish that something
had
happened—It would have made it all so much simpler. "Nothing happened, okay, absolutely nothing happened. You should be happy to hear that, right? Nothing happened! So accept it, and leave me the hell alone!"

He looked confused, but I could see him working it all out in his mind, "You’re upset because nothing happened? Nothing happened and you WANTED something to happen?" His eyes narrowed slightly, and his voice took on the tone of someone scolding a child. "What did you want to happen, Alexis?"

I pushed hard against him, trying to get away, trying not to look at him, trying to avoid his questions, but I was still so angry that I wasn’t thinking clearly. I could suddenly feel that stupid drink I had had making everything just a tiny bit fuzzy. I fought against him, but he put his arms around me, holding me, and that calmed me down even though I didn’t
want
to calm down.

I tried not to let the soothing strokes he was running up and down my back sway me, I needed to stay angry at him or I would lose all control over myself. "Why are you so angry? Lexie, please tell me." The sincere concern in his voice intensified the ache in my chest leaving me powerless to stop from answering him.

"I’m just stupid. I’m just really stupid." Despite my attempts to keep my mouth shut, everything began pouring out quickly. "I should have wanted to be with him, he was my boyfriend. What is wrong with me? Why couldn’t it be
him
that I want? Why couldn’t it be that easy? Everything else in my life has been so hard, is it so much to ask for that to be easy?" My anger had dissipated. All I had left in me were tears. Thank goodness for waterproof makeup or his sparkling white t-shirt would not be so sparkling. He would deserve that, though. I tried to remind myself that he was at fault here, too. It was his fault that he almost kissed me, his fault I loved him.

"You’re not stupid." I could feel him rubbing his cheek against my hair and his arms tightened around me, "I know life hasn’t been fair to you, if I could fix that for you, I would, in a heartbeat… Please, tell me what happened tonight."

I was sobbing quietly into his shoulder as I gave in and explained, "He was sweet, there were candles and soft music and no pressure." I tried to get the whole story out in one breath before I lost my nerve to say any of it. "He said he would take care of me and that he thought my first time should be with someone who would take care of me." His body stiffened when I said the words "first time," and I could feel him standing up straight again.

"I understand." The hard edge in his voice was unmistakable. I could hear the anger in his tone, not directed at me really, but there was anger there, nonetheless. It was like I could hear the wheels turning in his head. He thought he had it all figured out, but he still had no clue. I pushed against him then, but I had burned through all of my strength leaving my attempts to shove him away from me very weak. "He pushed you to sleep with him, and you said no. No wonder you’re upset."

That did it! I shoved hard, finding my anger again, and he was forced to release me. "You don’t know anything! You think you’re
so
smart and you just know everything about me, but you’re just as stupid as I am." I was back in kicking and screaming mode again beating a hasty path toward the door, looking for something to hit or smash when I changed my mind and turned back at him. "I’m pissed at myself for
not
saying yes, for
not
sleeping with him, for
not
wanting him." His eyebrows shot together, and his lips parted in confusion. "I’m stupid for not being with someone who cared for me," I threw my hand out in the direction of the front door, which, at the moment, was the best directional idea I had of Josh’s location, "instead of continuing to obsess over someone who doesn’t want me. I’m pissed because I hurt him when what I really want to do is hurt you!" He made the mistake of moving closer to me in an attempt to hold me again. I couldn’t stop myself from hitting him in the chest with all my force and all my anger. "Why can’t I want him instead of you?" I yelled at the top of my lungs, pounding on his chest with my fists. "Why can’t you want me the way I want you?" Tears were pouring down my cheeks, and I just couldn’t stop being angry. It was as if the past ten years of unrequited love had accumulated to surge through me in this one moment.

He grabbed my wrists, but my strength seemed to surpass the force he was willing to use to restrain me. He tried to calm me down, tried to stop me from hurting myself, which is really what I was doing by pounding on the wall that was his chest. Nothing stopped me. Nothing slowed the anger… that is, until he planted both palms firmly on my face and kissed me. I was so stunned that I didn’t even know what to do. I was motionless for a few seconds, just standing there, holding my breath. As it sunk in that his lips were not only on mine, but were encouraging mine to move, it dawned on me that he was kissing me.

Although I knew he was likely just kissing me to try to calm me down, I couldn’t hold myself back from really kissing him in response; I had simply had too many fantasies of a moment like this to not take my chance. His lips were hard at first, and I was timid in response. I knew how to kiss, but he had called me a kid so many times that it shot my self-esteem. When I felt his fingers apply pressure to my chin, encouraging me to open my mouth, my brain shut down. I drowned in the absurd passion that his lips slanting over mine again and again and his tongue sliding into my mouth had created.

My pent up frustration and the ridiculously strong love that I felt for him overtook me. When I found myself completely out of breath, I had to pull my lips away from his, but instead of pulling away, he shifted his focus to my neck. A soft moan escaped me while I clung to him even more tightly. He picked me up and lay me on the bed, never letting his lips leave me. We made out for an eternity, or at least, that’s how long I was hoping it would last. I grabbed his hand and placed it on my breast. My heart beat faster when I heard him groan as he began to knead my breast. He pulled his face away from mine and looked into my eyes.

"I can’t make myself stop touching you, Lexie, tell me to stop, baby." He was as breathless as I was and sounded as if what he was saying was causing him pain.

I couldn’t talk, all I could do was reach up, grab his face in my hands, and pull his lips back to mine. I worked as quickly as I could to pull off his shirt as he rolled me on top of him. I sat up, straddling him so that I could run my hands across his bare skin. He unzipped my dress and pulled down the bodice, exposing my breasts. I was a bit self-conscious, but the way he was looking up at me, shaking his head ever-so-slightly and breathing as if he were running a marathon, made me smile shyly. When he sat up bringing his bare skin into contact with mine, I thought I might pass out. The fire of his skin on mine was indescribable. I had made out with Josh before, but I had never felt my bare skin against a guy’s before. The fact that it was Seth’s skin flaming against mine made it ridiculously pleasurable.